This shows that experience and cognition determine the world you see and what kind of life you live.
Correct cognition will make you have a healthy body and mind, a strong heart, and lead you to achieve an external breakthrough from the inner strength. Being one step ahead of others in cognition will eventually lead to an efficient life. The wrong cognition will make you suffer unreasonable expectation and evaluation, constantly deny yourself, and then consume your heart, exhaustion of body and mind, and lose the dominance of life.
However, one's inner experience and cognition are the result of long-term internalization. Influenced by parents, society and education. , and it is in the face of certain things or behaviors. So if you don't pay attention, your cognition will be biased, which will lead to wrong cognition and life will be dark.
It is gratifying to have correct cognition, but wrong cognition is not terrible, and life is not necessarily dark. As long as we correct and optimize our cognition in time, we can turn our lives around and achieve a breakthrough in life.
As the book "Cognitive Reconstruction" tells us, if we want to expand our life style efficiently, we only need to break the current rigid cognition, adjust the cognitive bias and correct the cognitive bias.
The author of this book is Wu, a psychological counselor, a well-known media psychological columnist and a TV program psychologist. She has been devoted to the theoretical research of psychology for a long time. Through personal experience, she tells readers how to identify wrong cognition, crack cognition, reshape correct cognition, and get a happy and brand-new life in the most effective way.
Let's follow the author to understand the cognitive defects and how to reshape the correct cognition from three aspects: security, identity and anger.
0 1 You are the one who always accompanies you.
A sense of security comes from trusting people and the world.
From the moment of birth, we are constantly looking for our own sense of security, from physical to material.
As we grow older, we feel less and less secure. This is because our desires are always growing. We don't have what we want, but we are afraid of losing it. Finally, the higher our desire, the less we feel. What's more, we over-amplify this kind of deficiency, which directly leads to our constant denial, disgust and loss.
So we turned our eyes to others, trying to gain a sense of security through the company and comfort of others. This phenomenon is very common in intimate relationships.
In order to get rid of anxiety, we will pour all our emotions into our partners and try to get comfort from them. If the other party doesn't respond in time, then you will be anxious, fidgety, and curse each other in speculation and doubt until the other party sincerely apologizes and tries to guarantee it. Over and over again, in the process of being swayed by considerations of gain and loss, you begin to doubt whether the other person loves you. Do you deserve to be loved? The disappearance of the sense of connection will cause the frustration of the partner.
In fact, even your closest partner can't fully accept your anxiety about life.
No one in this world can give you a complete sense of security, except yourself.
After all, I am the one who has always been with me on the road through thick and thin, whether it is crying or laughing, whether it is day or night, whether it is pain or joy.
Therefore, a strong sense of security comes from a strong inner self.
Then the question is coming, how can we make ourselves feel safe?
Cognitive reconstruction tells us that if we treat ourselves sincerely, we can enrich our hearts.
How to treat yourself sincerely? We achieve this goal through the following five steps.
1. 1. See all the anxiety in your heart and calm your emotions. If you are lonely at the moment, you must admit that I am lonely at the moment and accept the feeling of loneliness.
1.2. Start a dialogue with yourself. Tell yourself that only you are the last person to accompany, and only you are the most reliable. People who blindly rely on others can't decide their own life and take the road they want to go.
1.3. Deeply understand this uneasy emotion, face it squarely, admit that it is a part of our body, and do not escape or avoid it.
1.4. Explore where this interference factor comes from. Is it the shadow of childhood? Or is the original material demand not met?
1.5. After admitting the feeling of anxiety, pull your desire away from others, turn your attention to yourself, listen to your heart, make peace with yourself, and let yourself not be lonely.
We can see our inner defects, adjust what can be adjusted, correct what can be corrected, and turn ourselves into an ideal appearance through the resumption, thus resisting inner anxiety and achieving our strong sense of security.
Once people have a sense of security, they can form a harmonious relationship and a happy atmosphere, which is beneficial to themselves and others.
Loving oneself is the best way to solve identity addiction.
Xiaomei in life is a very good person. After graduating from a famous university, I joined a Fortune 500 company. I have been a department head for less than three years, and I am still very self-disciplined in my life, exercising and studying.
Such a perfect person deserves the satisfaction of rights, but she always feels that she is not good enough and sets higher goals for herself every day. In her view, only by continuous efforts can she perceive the value of existence.
I believe Xiaomei is not a case. Many people around us are used to determining their own value through the affirmation of others.
In the book Cognitive Reconstruction, Xiaomei's behavior is called "identity addiction", which means that she constantly pursues perfect behavior and loses herself in the pursuit of others' approval.
It can be said that this is a disease. In order to gain others' affirmation and praise, I keep repeating similar behaviors and ignore my true feelings. Non-stop overload operation will eventually lead to physical and mental fatigue and damage to health.
We use our lives to light up the light in other people's eyes.
Such people are often very insecure inside. They are very scared. If I don't work hard, they will abandon me. If I am no longer perfect, others will no longer love me. Therefore, they dare not relax and strive to be perfect so as not to be abandoned. In the process of desperately attaching to good parents, good employees and good children, I lost my sincere desire and forgot how to appease myself, accompany myself and be the truest myself.
Identity addiction widely exists in the following groups: families where men are superior to women, people who have had excellent brothers and sisters, people who have been pushed out and bullied, and people who lack family support. These groups have the same characteristics, eager to be recognized, and hope to please others through recognized actions in order to get affirmation.
Since it is a disease, it must be treated.
The author says that loving oneself is the best way to solve identity addiction.
Open your heart, look at your inner child and talk to him. Let go of yourself, don't pursue perfection, accept your flawed self and embrace your injured self.
Listen to your inner voice, affirm yourself and praise yourself. Only by loving yourself first can we have the ability and confidence to love others.
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Anger needs to be treated gently.
The author says that more than 80% of us find it difficult to express our anger. The reason is that we have been taught since childhood that anger is not allowed, it is shameful, disgraceful and stingy.
This makes many people choose to ignore and hide anger, hide it in a corner of their hearts, and then tell themselves that I am not angry.
I don't know that pent-up anger will burst into amazing destructive power at a certain moment, which will bring great trauma to your life and even your life. Being ignored, not understood, and not cared about will hurt your inner child. The injured child will let you reproduce the depression and pain caused by anger until you can face up to and appease him.
In fact, anger is a normal psychological emotion, which needs to be seen, valued and treated gently. Only in this way can anger flow and be eliminated.
In the face of anger, we should not be angry and then feel inferior, let alone feel unforgivable. It is just one of our secular desires and a part of our emotions. When it comes, bravely admit the feelings in your heart, then patiently appease, perceive your own desires and grievances, patiently accompany, find a suitable outlet for angry emotions, let the anger flow and vent, and let your heart calm again.
The reason why people can present all kinds of lives lies in an idea, and this idea depends on his cognition. This is why some people are eating whole grains, and their life goal is only to eat enough and wear warm clothes, while others can report their dreams, get out of the predicament and realize their own value and significance.
The height of cognition determines the width of life.
Although cognition is deeply influenced by family background, education, culture and social environment, it has its inherent shortcomings, but it can be improved and corrected the day after tomorrow as long as the methods are proper. Through continuous optimization and reconstruction, your cognition can make you stronger, more confident, no longer affected by anxiety and anger, know how to love yourself, go your own way and live your own life.