On the other hand, there are fewer children now, and many of them are only children. They are born with a high degree of loneliness, which makes them think strongly from an early age. They have neither food nor clothes, and the question they think is directly a metaphysical question: "Why do people live?"
This kind of thinking leads to worry and depression, because life is meaningless.
A high sense of competition and loneliness, these two factors together, make more and more children have psychological problems. The most common problem is academic anxiety. In senior three, I didn't study hard and read novels and mobile phones all day.
There are more complicated problems of depression and gender barriers, such as boys lying in bed in their mother's stockings and bras, girls committing suicide because of gender incompatibility and so on.
It is not only children who are anxious, but also adults. In the past, the youngest person who came to consult was a kindergarten class, and now even the baby is here. When parents saw their 2-year-old baby beating people, they thought there was something wrong. They came to consult, which shows how anxious parents are.
The gender of a good family.
All children's problems are actually family problems.
Family health, children health. There is something wrong with the child, but it is actually a problem with the family system. This system is not perfect and can't solve children's problems.
Happy families have one thing in common-no one in the family is very controlling.
Both husband and wife are mature. Maturity has nothing to do with education, income and social status, and farmers can be very mature. The main performance of maturity is that there is no strong desire for control and things are relatively independent. In the family, each member does his own thing and helps each other when there are difficulties. Families care about each other, but they don't control each other. This kind of family is healthier.
For example, 16-year-old boys go out to attend class reunion, and mature mothers will say, "Be safe, is there enough money?" "That's enough!" Then the child went out. He is free and relaxed outside. He is also natural in front of his classmates because he is out of control.
A controlling mother will ask, "Who are you with? How many people? What activities? What nature? Huh, how much money you got there? Can only use how much money ... "Such children go out and behave differently. Halfway through the game, my mother called again: "where are you?" Can you come back? It's already 9 o'clock. Didn't you say 9 o'clock? "
There is a controlling person at home, others will be under pressure, and problems will gradually arise. For example, when parents control their children's homework, children will not do their homework independently when they study. Homework is a child's own business, and adults should stay out of it. If mixed up, children must not do their own homework, dragging their feet to do this and that.
In all the happy families I have seen, no one has a strong desire for control, and everyone is relatively independent and does their own things. All good families are like this, but the proportion of good families is getting lower and lower.
Every bad family has its own problems.
1, the problem of family structure
One is a single parent family. It is not that single-parent children will not grow up well. Parents of single-parent children often deny each other, attack and vilify each other, which will do harm to their children.
The other is that the elderly are excessively involved in the discipline of children. Four adults take care of a child, and the old man is fully involved in the discipline of the child. There are always some shortcomings in character. For example, childish, disobedient, and easily angry. Because of his high concentration, people with high concentration get angry easily. If you can't get rid of the self-centered stage, it's childish and you can't think from the perspective of others.
In a healthy family structure, the elderly should be inseparable. In intergenerational education, the elderly are positioned as helpers, and the parents of children are the ones who make up their minds. When the children's parents come home from work, the old man will quit and leave it to the children's parents on Saturday and Sunday. If the old people can't distinguish the boundaries, there will be many contradictions. In addition to the contradiction between husband and wife in educating their children, there will also be contradictions between grandma and son-in-law, mother and daughter.
2. Husband and wife relationship
The disharmony between husband and wife is very unfavorable to the growth of children. Couples have been fighting for years, even if they don't divorce, so the children in the family will have problems.
Many years ago, a doctor's mother came to me for consultation with her son. At that time, she separated from her husband and lived with her children. Her son is in the first grade and his grades are not bad.
I advised her to wait until the child's adolescence. They came a few days ago, and the child has grown very tall and is in the second day of junior high school. His mother said that the child has been studying very well, but he will not be able to do it in the second day of junior high school, and he also has social difficulties.
They have been separated for many years, neither reconciliation nor divorce. My advice to this mother is to change her marital status as soon as possible. If this state continues, my son will get worse and worse.
My son also told me that he wanted his parents to divorce. Because for a child, it seems that it has been waiting for the second boot to fall, and it is too uncomfortable to hang there forever! Children must feel a sunny mother, full of yearning for life and embrace life. Mom must take care of herself. If you handle it yourself, your child will change and your grades will go up.
3. Parent-child relationship problem
A very hidden problem in the family education of the only child is the parent-child relationship.
Between parents and children, sometimes it is not a question of love, but simply a question of hate, which is only expressed in the form of love.
Give an example of mother-daughter relationship. The daughter of the kindergarten director is always the first in primary school. When she came to consult in the first grade, she found that she was schizophrenic and had to go to the hospital for treatment. How did this girl get the first place? She studies hard and forgets to eat and sleep, because her mother asked her to take the third place before the exam.
The reason is her mother.
I told the mother that this extreme demand for children is abnormal and abusive. She really began to cry. It turns out that this mother is the third daughter in the family, and her birth is not welcomed by her family, because they expect her son, and she can only get the attention of her family if she passes the exam first. And this kind of psychology continued to her daughter.
In China, this kind of rejection by mother is not uncommon. Many daughters with anorexia and bulimia have a mother who refuses her. It is difficult for women to gain self-identity and often pass on their disapproval to the next generation. This has something to do with our preference for boys in China.
There is also a problem with the father-son relationship. My son has grown up and is taller than my father, but the role of my father cannot be changed. Originally, it was to protect my son, which came from an instinct to protect small male animals, but now children don't know how to deal with themselves when they are older. What they showed was that they were dissatisfied with their son, critical everywhere, and attacked each other, which turned into a father-son war. This has something to do with the mother's failure to handle it properly.
The problems in the mother-child relationship are generally manifested in not letting the son grow up and having a strong desire for control. Because there is a subconscious idea that mothers value their children.
The problem of father-daughter relationship must be caused by the bad relationship between husband and wife. When a mother treats her daughter as an ally and speaks ill of her father, her daughter will attack her father.
The soul of the family is the mother.
What can be called "home" is not a big villa, but a mother in a broken house.
One mother will affect three generations. My years of clinical consulting experience have found that most of the problems are rooted in my mother. Grab mom's nose and you'll be right.
Because in an ordinary family, as long as there is no big problem, the mother will become the core of the family. Women are better at dealing with family problems. Because men's brains are better at logical thinking, women are better at sensing the needs of others. So women have an advantage in understanding and controlling people.
The relationship between children and mothers is also the most special. Although the umbilical cord was cut at birth, their subconscious is completely connected. All children will sacrifice for their mothers.
We have a misconception that mothers sacrifice for their children, but in fact children will sacrifice for their mothers. If the mother lives in a bad mood of being in hot water and swearing all day, then the child will feel that her mother is unhappy and miserable, and he will immediately carry this emotion on his back and feel that he is unhappy because of her.
The superego in everyone's personality is endowed by family education. For example, mothers teach their children that teacups must be placed on the table. If you put it on the floor, you will be scolded. Then, the children can only put the cups on the table-this is obedience, not obedience to the mother's will.
Obedience will gradually develop into recognition. For example, children go to primary school, invite classmates to play at home, and classmates put their teacups on the ground. Children will ask their classmates to pick it up and not put it on the floor-this is recognition.
When the child grows up and the mother has Alzheimer's disease, and puts the cup on the ground, he will let the old lady pick it up and put it away-this is completely internalized.
So the superego part of personality is actually given by parents. What kind of knowledge and concept parents have, children will gradually form such knowledge and concept and become a part of personality.