If you want to stop yelling, the first step is to know what yelling is. For example, when parents yell, no matter how loud they are, they are generally full of anger and can't control their emotions to some extent.
At this time, if they pay attention to their own state, it is not difficult to find that their inner tension will be strengthened, their breathing will become heavy, their heartbeat will begin to accelerate, they will feel hot, their thinking will become unclear, and so on. This is shouting. In short, parents' reprimand is mainly to express their anger and let children know that if they dare not obey, the consequences will be very serious.
We always say that parents should not make a hullabaloo about, but there are exceptions. It is also necessary to shout under special circumstances, especially if there is danger that may cause harm to children. For example, if a car comes and the child doesn't see it, it is necessary for parents to shout and let the child stop in time.
However, it should be noted that in this case, the parents' reprimand is not to blame the child, but to prevent the child from being hurt.
Most professionals believe that yelling will affect children's positive feelings about themselves and the world, make them feel that everything is negative, and also affect their relationship with their parents and others. Mona Schur, an American psychologist, believes that if parents' discipline is scolding and ordering, children will easily show aggression psychologically and verbally, such as being more accustomed to solving problems with fierce conflicts. It is also difficult for these children to learn positive social ways, such as cooperation and empathy.
Another study also shows that anger accumulated in the family has an impact on children throughout adolescence. Anger will cast a long shadow, which not only has short-term lethality, but also damages children's emotional intelligence and sociality. In short, although yelling is neither a fight nor a curse, it will actually have a serious negative impact on children's growth.
We call the cause of each growl "trigger". There are two main triggers of shouting, namely external trigger and internal trigger. External triggers are those hints or instructions from outside you that can make you scream. For example, children are disobedient, always fighting, or making too much noise and losing their temper. These may all be a single spark, which will ignite your anger and make you yell at your children.
Internal triggers are about escalating negative thoughts and emotions in your heart, such as anxiety, fear, disappointment or anger you feel. An external fuse may be the fuse of your angry roar, but then your thoughts, that is, the internal fuse, are fueling your anger.
In addition to the fuse that causes the roar every time, the author also points out several deeper reasons that may cause the roar. For example, isolation, lack of sleep, lack of time, poor health, etc., will make parents particularly uncomfortable, and children are more likely to become punching bags. Of course, yelling may also have a historical background. Because parents are children's first teachers, children know the world by observing their parents. If parents often make a hullabaloo about, you are likely to lose your temper with your children naturally.
Finally, we also put forward a reason for yelling, which is the temperament between parents and children. Everyone has his own natural temperament, and it is actually very difficult to change one's temperament. When we expect others to meet our expectations, this expectation is likely to be high and unrealistic, and once the other party fails to meet our expectations, we will be disappointed. Therefore, when parents know that their children have their own unique temperament, they should adjust their expectations accordingly according to their children's characteristics and don't make unrealistic demands on their children.
1.ABCDE rule
If you feel irritated by your child, parents can try the ABCDE rule of not yelling, which is the following five steps:
Step one, ask yourself.
Ask yourself how you feel, what negative thoughts you have, and whether you can change these negative thoughts and emotions.
Step two, breathe, breathe.
When you ask yourself those questions, you should consciously control your breathing. Starting from the abdomen, take three or five slow and easy breaths consciously, while feeling your body and imagining that every cell is full of oxygen.
Step three, calm yourself, calm yourself.
Calm your heart with breathing, replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, and communicate with your child after calming down.
Step four, decide what your child needs to decide his needs.
Parents should think about their children's personality and age, reflect on whether they have unrealistic expectations for their children, think about what their children need, whether it is a hug or encouragement, and then think about what their actions can tell them.
The fifth step is empathy, empathy.
This requires parents to put themselves in their shoes, try to feel their children's emotions and thoughts, and tell them that you can understand their feelings.
2.4C rule
The 4C rule of discipline can help parents learn to discipline their children better every day.
Communication communication
It is said that parents need to have enough communication with their children to let them know what they can and can't do.
Choose, choose.
If a child has control over his life, he has no reason to stamp his feet and cry, so providing choices in time can reduce shouting and quarreling.
Consequence result
Parents need to let their children know what will happen if he does something wrong. Children must learn to be responsible for their actions in order to establish family rules.
Connection connection
This means that parents must keep in touch with their children. No matter how busy the work is, parents should set aside one-on-one time to accompany their children and communicate with them.
If parents find that other family members who take care of their children are yelling, parents should communicate frankly with these people and tell them the dangers of yelling. But remember, when you say these words, don't blame each other, because everyone may love children very much, but their methods and ideas are different.
What should parents do if they lose control and yell at their children? The remedy is a sincere apology. A sincere apology should do the following: first, you need to feel regret; Secondly, parents should bear the consequences for their actions; Finally, a sincere apology needs remedial measures. Only in this way can parents let their children know that they will try not to make such mistakes again.