In the past, falling in love always felt that it was the fault of the other party. It took me a long time to get out. Now I realize that I was wrong, too. If love is a pit on the sidewalk, I can clearly see the pit there, but because of inertia, I still fall again and again.
The five chapters of life are as follows:
1. The first chapter
The first love in life.
Jiang, 174, is five years older than me. I was working in an internet cafe at that time. He often comes to play games. He is a handsome and traditional man. He has known me for months. He accompanied me to work every night and sent me home early in the morning. Anyway, he is old enough to fall in love. I liked the feeling of being protected and accompanied by him, so I started talking. Once took me to his house, and his mother said, "This girl is fine except that she is a little short." Because this sentence once made me feel inferior to my height, who would have thought that my husband just likes my petite now. Jiang is the youngest and most beloved child in the family. His sister and brother are married, and his parents are divorced. This is my first time to fall in love wholeheartedly. He talked several times. I remember he had a friend at that time, and occasionally we met for dinner. Then he will break up with me. I asked, "Why?" There seems to be no contradiction between us. "Why did you break up?" He said I was too young to fall in love with me.
19 girls may be young. But I think I'm more rational. You have to give a reason to break up. Maybe, oh, you got me, and you want to break up when you are tired of playing. I can't accept this reason.
Later, I asked again and again before saying that his friends thought I was such a good girl and fell in love for the first time. I'm sure I won't be sincere to him. So I want to test me to see if I am really good with him.
Shit, no wonder I don't like meeting his friends. The way he looks at me is complicated.
Fuck the temptation. Cry me to death every time. Why did you die? I kept a lot of diaries during that time. All kinds of analysis, dissecting yourself, and him. I think Jiang's parents are divorced. Maybe he feels insecure. I later learned that when he got angry, he said, "Break up." I'll bring it up, and don't even mention these two words in future quarrels and anger. Talking too much will break up one day.
So it was peaceful for a while.
Since it is a romantic robbery, how can it be so safe? I have great ambitions since I was a child. I like English and the outside world. I don't want to live the life of seeing my head at a glance in Chibi town: get married and have children and take my grandson to play mahjong and dance square dance. So, regardless of my father's objection, I followed my sister to work in Guangdong. Saw the new world, all kinds of people. The diary is still being written, which honestly records his thoughts at the moment. Of course, he also saw that he was content with the status quo and lived under the umbrella of his family.
Divisions began to appear. The game is backwards. It's his turn to keep me. He even proposed to get married and came to Guangdong. There was no telephone at that time, so he bought a plane ticket to Guangdong directly and waited for me to surf the Internet in an Internet cafe. It took me a few days to get in touch. Take me back to my hometown to open a small shop and live a quiet life. The world is so big and wonderful. Although there are occasional helplessness and curiosity, I still don't want to go back for the time being. I always feel that I haven't found my own world yet. How can you just let it go?
The saddest thing is not to break up, but to say, "Don't be silly, there can't be a man who will really be nice to you except me in this life, because you gave it to me for the first time." The more so, the more dissatisfied. I don't believe that you are the only one in the world who loves me. Even if I can't find someone who loves me again in my life, I won't give you my happiness. My happiness is up to me. You don't mean what you say.
So I came to the second chapter of my life.
2. Love the top for the second time, he is the sweetest and the most bitter.
I turned a blind eye to the pit on the road of love and fell in. I can't believe I slipped in the same place. Talked about a vigorous love. The lover loved her so much that she lost herself. At that time, I felt that God had finally given me an ideal person. Firmly tell my parents and those who chased me at that time, and say loudly that I just want to love Fang. It must be him. This is the first time I feel loved and loved. I love him, and I believe he loves me too, maybe not as much as I love him. It's just that I love too lowly and too hard, so low that I get lost in the dust. And he's haunting his ex-girlfriend and telling me openly. Have an affair with his suitor. This is his fault, too. This is all his fault.
I stayed in this pit for a long time. I didn't put it down for many, many years until I married each other. Call him before marriage and ask him to bless me. Come to my wedding. Expect him to come and be afraid of him. Of course he didn't come. He only shielded me when we got married. But my friend told me. Makes me despise him. Just get married. What's the big deal? I am not married. What do you mean you're hiding?
See this is a pit, see it has been there, but because of inertia, helpless, I know I am still here. But I just can't climb out. Indulge in it, even if the plot is worse, I still refuse to wake up. It was all his fault. Ruined my concept of love.
Three years of long-distance love on and off. Farewell to my favorite grandfather. I see the ugly side of all kinds of human nature at work, not goodness. Then come to the third chapter of life.
3. The third chapter of my life, my Mr Right.
I have written many articles about Mr. Wang. He is too mature, many years older than me, and this love is also the fruit of maturity. He also quarreled, and occasionally he didn't feel it was his fault. Later, he began to reflect and find out his mistakes and where they were. Once you find it's your fault, bow your head and admit your mistake and climb out of the pit immediately. Anyway, it is in the pit of marriage, going back and forth.
In the darkest moment of my life, I will disconnect from the internet for a period of time and make a silent wish with God. Please give me a lover. Let me cook, read and write, plant flowers and grass with peace of mind. Do what you like. I don't want to work hard in this complicated world anymore. I just want to live in peace. Then, during that time, I repeatedly read the last novel "Yue Tang Ji" of Su Nian Stone by Anne Baby, which described a woman's choice and attitude towards marriage and deeply influenced me. I remember a saying in the book that if you want a virtuous person and want such a marriage, you must first become such a person. Then keep the change. He will come to you.
I have been blank for a year, but I am still waiting for the party to come back to me one day. But my pride and self-esteem don't allow me to grovel any more. I used to think that Fang's world was just me and my ex-girlfriend. He even said that if she found someone else, I would kill her. He fell in love again, and his little girlfriend witnessed our breakup. It hit me hard when I found out. Fang occasionally chats with me on QQ about falling in love with his little girlfriend, and wants to break up with others after quarreling. Reminded me of my first love and gave him a good scolding. Ask him to be kind to others. Later, it was too bloody, maybe I was unwilling, maybe I wanted to look back, and occasionally I went back to my hometown and became an annoying ex-girlfriend.
During that time, I spent a year in a small apartment of 16 square meters, read 200 books, watched hundreds of literary films, and wrote some moaning words and travel notes in the forum. Do some simple work occasionally. Watching too many books and movies stimulates me to want to fall in love. The beginning is always beautiful, the process is always long, and the ending is always tragic. Also talked about a very short and bloody love. I have exhausted all my strength in falling in love in my life. Bad luck. I'm too busy. Both sides are too scum. Expect too much, fantasize too much. It will eventually burst. Faster every time.
Slowly put away your strength and learn to cook occasionally. A less stressful life. Slowly. Mr. Wang came to me. Start by having dinner together once in a while. I can only cook fried rice for Laoganma and dare to invite him to my place for dinner. Because the language is not very fluent, I shut it in the kitchen and let him watch "Riding a Thousand Miles" in the living room. I chose this movie that my husband later said I couldn't understand because there was a Japanese actor in it and I like Yunnan very much.
Look, my room is full of books and DVDs, and there are all kinds of photos and post-it notes on the wall. My husband's love for me has doubled. He thinks I am a hard-working and serious person with my own hobbies. Unintentional, simple. In the long run, it's a bit like living an independent and caring life in Yue.
Before and after marriage, we still often played games in the pit. He was very humorous, and I began to laugh and laugh with him seriously. As shown below, when traveling with a crane dance, they accidentally fell into the pit and the two were still laughing. He grabbed me and fell into the pit.
So, the feeling a few years ago was that you wanted to win, okay, let you win once. Make you happy once, and don't laugh next time I fight back. This is a balanced game, and one side can't always be in a winning posture. Only when the flag touches the opponent can the game enter and continue. Life is long, so play slowly in this pit. However, it took me several years to sum up these words in this process. Therefore, getting married is a natural thing for both of us. Now, the separation between the two places has the beauty of love.
I remember a friend once said, "Women who marry foreigners are not very valuable." I don't say anything. The splendor in this world has nothing to do with nationality, age or even gender. Maybe it's just the fun of the soul. He said, "Oh, there are both advantages and disadvantages for you to marry a foreigner as a husband." I couldn't help but reply: "Marrying any man has its ups and downs." He stopped talking, and I always had a function of talking to death. The substitution game is that it's all each other's fault, and I'm not wrong. I thought it would be good to let others play games.
Of course, you got married at a young age, except those who were forced to get married for various reasons, or who never tried to love each other in the past. Experience more before you get married. It is amazing that young people nowadays don't talk about what love is doing. I remember once attending a reader's meeting in Hong Ying. Some people often compare her with Xiao Hong, but her fate is so different. She said that her luck lies in having talked about many relationships, knowing that what she wants is suitable for her, and encouraging young people to fall in love more before marriage. She encouraged her daughter so much. But remember to teach her to protect herself.
Since I'm also at fault, it's still my fault to change people. Since it's my fault, I'll climb out of the hole myself. In fact, when you have enough love, it is easier to experience various forms of love and being loved: keeping company with pets, caring for plants, and having non-judgmental conversations with your companions … instead of just asking your husband or children or parents or mentors. Love yourself unconditionally, and your love can be self-sufficient. Even the people around you are nourished.
4. Chapter IV Life
There was still a hole in the road, so I made a detour.
I am most afraid of who will ask me out in my next life. The love in this life should belong to this life, and it is best not to meet again in the next life.
5. Chapter 5 of Life
I went the other way.
Now who knows where this life will end? Cherish it.