When I was doing counseling, even many of the people involved often fell into self-doubt:
Is it really necessary for me to continue this kind of marriage? The fact is that the government has not been able to get rid of any of the problems that have arisen in the past.
Now I tell you, whether to give up or save are not the purpose, happiness is.
Before you decide to save your marriage or stop it in time, you need to do a "self-diagnosis" to help you accurately determine whether the marriage is worth staying in.
In my 16 years as a marriage counselor, I have found that when women face betrayal, there are generally three subconscious ways of coping with it, endure, roll, and hard.
Now you have the idea of forgiving him, that "roll" in your place we will not analyze, now say ruthless and endure.
This cruel, but also to be divided into 3 kinds, because he betrayed this matter if "digestion" is not good, may be to these 3 kinds of development:
* Self-abuse faction
Man betrayal because I am not good enough, from now on, I do not do housewife.
I want to crush this man in his career and self-growth, so that this man can only ever treat me as a queen and goddess, so that I can wash away my past shame.
* Masochism
I can forgive you, but can not easily let you go, turn in your bank card, sign the agreement on cheating on the net, in front of my parents kneel down to admit their mistakes, write a guarantee
In short, let you remember the painful lesson of betrayal, so that you talk about betrayal as a bird of prey!
* Mutual abuse faction
You will betray, I will not? I'm going to get back at you! We'll have an open marriage, so how about we each play our own game?
However, there are many people who can't do "hard", then you have to accept another word - endure.
And if you have been enduring, things will develop in another 2 directions:
* False Intimacy (love you have to trust you unconditionally faction):
He repented, you forgive, and hope that the betrayal of this quickly turn over, but betrayal of this matter has been like a thorn in the heart of the stuck in the relationship between two people is always separated by a wall.
* Grievance (moral blackmail faction):
Grievance perpetual motion machine: endure for a period of time, and then seizure, so that the man is condemned by the conscience; and then lurk for a period of time, and then a period of time and then began to explode.
Analyzing this, you should also be able to see that none of these paths is likely to arrive at true happiness.
So what can be done to save the marriage and regain happiness?
I'll tell you, marriage management requires ability, and marriage repair tests your wisdom even more.
You have to know each other's core needs, and have the ability and means to fulfill them, and at the same time know how to teach each other how to satisfy themselves, such a woman, is entitled to real happiness.
If you can learn nonviolent self-expression and provide positive emotional value to your man while holding the line, in this way, there is a high probability of saving your marriage.
Step one, reshape the cognition
Many women in the salvage, hate a step, the result of a minute to scare the man away.
This time, we have to complete 2 cognitive remodeling:
* Redemption is not the result, but the process;
* Redemption is not the other side, but their own.
When you get a call from an insurance agent, do you hang up immediately when you hear "Excuse me for a few minutes"?
Our world, where you can not afford to disturb? But there is an insurance salesman, mixed into a group of square dancers, with them half a month of square dancing, to solve the insurance business of the whole neighborhood of the elderly.
What is the difference between the two? Without process, there is no result; without lubrication, there is only friction.
The problem is that when controlled by the "devil", we lose our sanity.
Step 2: Restore sanity
The way a person handles a problem is determined by two parts of the brain.
One part is called the amygdala: rapid response one part is called the cerebral cortex: fine response.
For example, when we encounter a tiger, we are mainly dealt with by this part of the amygdala, hurry up and run, and you observe whether it is a South China tiger or a Northeast tiger? Is it male or female? How old is it?
But if you are Wu Song, you can take care of both parts, you will analyze this tiger pouncing, where should I hide, should I grab its tail or its head?
How quickly can you become a Wusong in the hard battle of recovery? Training is the only way to move from "amygdala thinking" to "cerebral cortex thinking".
You can tell yourself: I can lose my mind, I can vent my emotions, but I have to find the point that makes me lose control of my emotions, and then I can lose my temper.
This method can help you quickly train yourself to regain your sanity.
The third step, the words hooked
When their own emotions stabilized, you can begin to "teach" the man.
Why did he betray you? Why does he refuse to take what you say to heart?
Because he found that talking to you is a "black hole of inferiority": he found that you do not care about the solution to the problem, the mood will be week after week, just like the aunt, no matter how hard, the next time or exactly the same.
He realizes that his efforts are really worthless to you.
So, if you want to get him back, you must focus on these two points when you speak:
* When a man disrespects you, you must find your own face.
* When the man is not interested, be sure to regulate the atmosphere.
For example, if he does not listen to your words, ignores them, or is angry and impatient, then you can use a joking tone to say, "Are you a headache when you hear me say that?"
This adjusts the atmosphere of "black clouds" to a relaxed atmosphere of "joking", while also **** love him.
The man gets ****ed and feels relieved that he doesn't have to deal with a disgruntled woman, or be provoked on the battlefield and have to defend his superiority.
In short, if they don't have to deal with the "bitter passages" that they're not the best at, they'll be more willing to engage in communication. This is the embodiment of high emotional intelligence:
* 1) Awareness of the other party's emotions, communication aura;
* 2) for the current communication aura to regulate the temperature, humidity;
* 3) concerned about is the degree of lubrication of the communication, the change of the emotional state - not always joking, not always crying! , but rather soft when it's time to be soft, hard when it's time to be hard, relaxed when it's time to be relaxed, and resolute when it's time to be resolute.
And the communication of death is: obviously the other party has told you, non-invitation, or head on, which pot is not open to mention which pot, not hit the south wall will not turn back.
This means that your brain has completely shut down the "cortical channel" and completely "amygdalaized".
More often than not, the man was still attached to the marriage, thinking of making some compensation and efforts, but in the time that you began to accuse of suppression, the man is completely torn face.
Psychology has a "broken window effect", that is, a house if the window is broken, no one to repair, not long after the other windows will somehow be broken;
A wall, if there is some graffiti not cleaned off, soon the wall will be covered with messy, unpleasant things;
A wall, if there is some graffiti not cleaned off, soon the wall will be covered with messy, unpleasant things;
What are the reasons for this?
A very clean place, people will be embarrassed to throw garbage, but once there is garbage on the ground, people will throw it without any hesitation and without any shame.
We must always remember one thing in our relationships: there is no face without a face.
Must leave room for both sides to leave enough steps!
The two sides if there is still enough face, even if separated there is a chance to get back together. But if both sides have begun to tear, into the vicious circle of dog blood, then you kill not only the relationship at the moment, but also kill the future of your relationship may be reversed.