The root cause, this is the East and West of the culture of marriage, love and different views of the consequences.
Western cultural traditions have a deep individualistic tendency. Ancient Greece lived in a small Apennine Peninsula, but always city states, can not be integrated into a country, that is, the influence of its individualism. Plato's "Ideal State", that is, this and other small countries as the object. The pursuit of love and the establishment of a family, in the eyes of Westerners, is also a personal matter that has nothing to do with others or society. Westerners regard love as a sacred thing, believing that love is the most holy and flawless thing in human feelings, so many people take the acquisition of true love as the purpose of life. Indeed, in true love, the beloved is so perfect and flawless, beyond the mundane and dirty world, she is an angel in real life. In contrast, I am so ugly, selfish, and humble, so I must change myself to become pure, selfless, and noble, so as to be worthy of her. This is "love makes a man sublime" "love makes a man selfless" "love makes a man transcendent" reason. This kind of feeling, whether Westerners or Easterners, are the same, are the sublimation of human nature. The significance of falling in love is the expression of the spirit of life, without the need for physical union with the beloved. This is why Westerners emphasize love rather than marriage. Goethe experienced love many times in his life, so he was inspired and poetic. But every time his feelings surged to the extreme, Goethe fled, and the last person he married was a very ordinary woman. Dante met with Beatrice, the woman he had loved all his life, in heaven, not on earth.
Because Westerners emphasize love over marriage, and even believe that "marriage is the grave of love," many people feel a great sense of loss after marriage, when their feelings gradually become dull. In order to make their own spirit to have another object of support, in order to make their own pursuit, have to improve, the western so "lover" appeared. As for the harm caused to one's spouse, it can be ignored. I am free to get married, I am free to get divorced, these are my personal freedom and rights, no one else has a say in the matter.
This is still the behavior of the "love supremacists". In addition, many people do not understand the true meaning of love, just love as an indispensable thing to enjoy life, more demanding, less dedication, the number of times they fall in love, and their character is increasingly despicable. More equal and inferior, in order to meet the needs of the flesh, in order to covet glory and wealth, in order to personal purposes, and do not hesitate to make the "third person" "fourth person", is even more worthless. In the eyes of Westerners, the family is just a place for two independent people to join together. When union is not possible, marriage is the best option because it "maximizes the interests of each individual". The interests, freedoms and rights of the individual are paramount, and one must live one's life in such a way that one's rights and interests are safeguarded and fulfilled to the fullest extent possible. When the family is in the way of this, it should be dissolved and separated from the family. The cultural tradition of Western individualism is fully exposed in the matter of marriage. Today, my countrymen, competing with the Westernization, also with this idea, with this as, resulting in a high divorce rate and self-inflicted consequences, this is not surprising.
Chinese culture's view of marriage and love is different from that of the West. The Chinese have never considered love to be the only and highest goal in life. Love is wonderful, but there are things in life that go far beyond love. The family, the country, the world, all of these are beyond one's own love. Marriage is not just a matter between two people, but a matter that affects children, parents, relatives, and the nation.
I say this, to the point of view of today's people, it will be rebuked that the traditional Chinese marriage is "feudal rituals to bind human nature," "rituals to kill. This kind of opinion, really is the modern people of the motherland's traditional culture of the great misunderstanding. Chinese culture is a large group culture, that no one can leave the social group and exist alone. Without a large group, how can there be an individual? If the skin doesn't exist, will the hairs attach to it? Ancient and modern Chinese and foreign history, there is a person out of his society and realize the "personal interest maximization"? Nowadays, our people, influenced by the individualism of Western culture, always think that the country and society are the obstacles to the realization of personal interests, and always think that only when the individual is above the masses can there be equality, independence and freedom, which is so short-sighted and shallow. Ancient Chinese people were far-sighted and far-sighted, so Chinese culture especially encourages everyone to emphasize morality, so that the cultivation of the individual is gradually far away from one's own selfish desires and reaches the realm of selflessness. This is the meaning of "the world is public," as stated in the book of Rituals.
But on the other hand, although the goal is the common good, the starting point is the individual himself. The ideal must be practiced by everyone in the society before it can be realized, and it is only possible to realize it if one is able to establish oneself, and to reach out to others. Therefore, Chinese culture is characterized by the spirit of independence, believing that "everyone can be Yao and Shun", "they are human beings, and I am also a human being, and those who can do something are also like that". Emphasize that everyone starts from themselves, from the things around them, step by step to make the family harmony, neighborhood harmony, the country and the people peace, and ultimately make all the peoples, all the countries in the world can live in peace ****, in order to achieve long-term peace and security, peace and security of the world goal. This is what the Chinese often say about cultivating one's moral character and aligning one's family, ruling the country and pacifying the world. "From the Son of Heaven down to the common people, one is all about cultivating one's body." It can be seen that the Chinese people are a holistic view of society, not only to see the purpose of social development is to enable everyone to express their own nature, their own talent, so that everyone's life is happy and without regrets; at the same time, but also a deep understanding of the need to effectively safeguard the interests of everyone and happiness, the country, society must be peaceful, just and harmonious, which is the prerequisite for the interests of the individual and the foundation. If there is a big family, then there is a small family; if there is a big group, then there is an individual. This is not an empty word, it is a fact.
Reflected in the marriage and family, it is what Chinese culture calls "etiquette". Not only do couples need to love each other, but they also need to be guided by etiquette. Manners, not only politeness, more importantly, both spouses should have a sense of responsibility, including the family, others, the sense of responsibility to society, while both spouses must also have self-respect, independent personality.
Husband and wife are the most intimate of all interpersonal relationships, living in the same room, dying in the same hole. However, if a couple is bound together only by their feelings, the foundation of marriage is not strong. No one can survive without society. If a husband and wife have only the beloved in their eyes and no one else, they are like putting themselves outside of the whole society, can their lives be happy and fulfilling? Love is the most sensible of all human feelings, and the purpose of introducing family life to rituals is to prevent love from flooding and causing harm to the husband and wife and to others. Ritual is like a dam on the bank of a river, and it is to keep the torrent of feelings flowing in a reasonable and orderly channel. Rituals are not meant to bind feelings; on the contrary, rituals make feelings more secure and make the flower of love more colorful and fragrant. This is exactly the reason why the Chinese say: "Hair is born out of love, but stops at the rites". In the handling of feelings, is not the Chinese way more humane, more scientific and more reasonable than the Westerners?
Liang Hong and Meng Guang of the Han Dynasty, raised their eyebrows and respected each other as guests. Tang Zhang spacious, daily for his wife to draw eyebrows, and that the pleasure of the boudoir has more than that. The traditional Chinese marriage system, so that the long and deep feelings between husband and wife, the delicate and sentimental feelings than the West, is really more than ever. Such as Wang Shifu's "The West Wing - Palace": "blue clouds, yellow flowers, the west wind, the north geese flying south. Who dyed the frosty forest drunk in the morning? It is always the tears of the departed. I hate that we are late to meet each other, and I complain that we are quick to return. It is difficult to tie up the long willow threads of the jade buckskin, and I can't wait to hang up the slanting sunlight in the sparse forests". Song Dynasty poet He Zhi's "The Half-Dead Tong": "After passing through the Gate of Heaven again, all things are wrong, why do we return to the same place differently? The wutong is half-dead after the frost, and the white mandarin ducks have lost their companions." Nowadays, many people think that the traditional marriage system is a product of feudalism and rituals, and there is no redeeming feature, but is it true that the traditional marriage system is full of unhappy couples? Is it true that all the couples under the traditional marriage system were spouses? Is it true that those who get married through free love in modern times are necessarily good couples? Under the influence of modern individualism, both men and women tend to have the mentality of "stay if you're together, break up if you're not," without any genuine dedication to each other, without any consideration of their own responsibilities as husbands and wives, and without any emphasis on their own feelings and demands, the happiness of couples is only less than that of the ancients, but not more.
Husband and wife are the first of the five relationships (husband and wife, father and son, brother, ruler and subject, friend). The five relationships are the closest relationship in any person's life, and if the five relationships are handled well, then all other relationships can be handled well by extension, and the greatest happiness of life is thus laid down. The Five Luns requires everyone to fulfill their own responsibilities, such as father's kindness, son's filial piety, brother's friendship and brother's respect, and king's benevolence and minister's loyalty. The same applies to both husband and wife: the husband has his responsibilities and the wife has her responsibilities. Husbands are responsible for starting a family, supporting the family, taking up their social responsibilities, and striving to take on the world for themselves; wives are responsible for supporting their parents-in-law, educating their children, and taking care of the household. It is true that nowadays women are also widely employed and their husbands often do household chores, so the division of labor between men and women does not have to be so clear-cut, but both husband and wife have their own responsibilities, and they should not shirk their responsibilities, which is the same as in the past and the present. Everyone can do their part, it is bound to family harmony; family harmony, happy, the couple must feel happier, more cherish, the relationship between the two can be stronger. You have me in me, I have you in me, like glue, is it not a further sublimation of love? The fact that they are not in a position to do so does not mean that they are not in a position to do so, but that they are in a position to do so.
Husband and wife are responsible for each other, and they can win each other's respect. Husband knows his wife as a good wife and mother, can be assured that the commission of the family without worry; wife knows his husband as a decent man, since the life of the trust and cherish this karma, this family, so the cohesion of the family is greatly enhanced carry on. When two people are of one mind, their benefits can be broken. This concentricity stems from mutual respect. Anyone who honors a person he or she respects will have admiration for him or her and will not easily give up on him or her. Who has seen the pious religious easily give up the godfather, the good student easily give up the teacher? Couples believe that the other person is worthy of respect, he or she has made great sacrifices to the family, since the heart will be grateful, the heart of repayment, hope to be with each other for a long time is not too late, how would have to give up, the idea of divorce it? That is why the Chinese say that husband and wife should "respect each other as guests" and "love and respect each other". The respect between husband and wife, not between strangers, but based on the respect for each other's personality and the Jingmu follow the psychological, which is another sublimation of love.
Today's people think that couples only need to have love, no need to have respect. Just like each other, and no respect for the feelings, is not regarded as each other as a small cat or dog? To pets can be played with, if necessary, can be discarded; to love can also be played with, if necessary, can also be discarded without pain. This is the psychology of love without respect. If the husband does not fulfill his responsibilities, the wife will not dare to trust him for life, so he will go at any time; if the wife does not fulfill her responsibilities, the husband will regard her as a burden, so he is willing to give up and marry again. Modern people sing about human rights and freedom, less mention of responsibility and obligation, in the family, husband and wife are also so, so that the husband and wife less true love, less respect, less followers, less together, more textbook, more rupture, more indifference, more harm. In a person's life, the closest relationship is between husband and wife. If husband and wife get along with each other in such an unfeeling way, what happiness can be said about their life? The depth and breadth of the evils of modern individualism are obvious, aren't they?
These are the first time I've seen a couple of people in the world who have been in the same boat for a long time.
1 Stink less. Don't pretend to be a saint in front of the people who love you, you are husband and wife, not outsiders, it's okay to be cool outside, but go home and have a personal touch, don't be a stinker.
The longest thing to do, wife (husband) are far away from you, there is love?
2 economic to discuss more. Although married to live together, do not take each other's wallet money as their own money, money is money, love is love, does she (he) pay all to you is love? Then your love is too shallow. Not the money at home who is the husband or wife as a matter of course to control, to discuss the matter, who will manage the money to who will manage. These days, the economic crisis, who earns a little money is not easy, if you do not know how to manage money and have to rush to get, and finally make a mess of the family. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do that.
3 to be diligent. 80 people have a common disease, is lazy, some buddies and sisters lazy to the body can grow maggots, so there is no way, since to live together, please be diligent. Don't be a hegemonist at home, you don't do anything yourself, you depend on the other person for everything, and even say: if you don't do so-and-so, you don't love me. Isn't this nonsense? Love you must help you wash and cook ah, then you might as well hire a chef or laundryman or something, keep love you.
4 Do not nag. Nagging is the last century married people often do things, the 21st century married after 80 don't learn this "fine tradition", every day outside the gas by the eye is not enough? You have to come back to a little nagging without a break, annoyed also to you annoyed. If you don't get it right, it will directly affect your quality of life, which is something we don't want to see.
5 Speak with caution. Don't think that married to what words can say, some words can not say or best not to say, such as: when so many people chasing me, how do I see you this loser. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you can't get it right, then you're finished.
6 Do not chew the old. 21st century what is the most popular, chew the old. Oh, this is something unheard of in China for thousands of years, Confucius, if the nine springs know, I'm afraid to blow his nose in the ground, shouting: hurt the wind, outrageous. Popular to popular, we can not learn, **** said ah, do it yourself, enough food. A small couple of hands and feet, but to rely on the old man to feed, spread the word, you two outside can be a rat in the street, everyone shouted.
7 to be diligent and thrifty. 80 people, from childhood at home and baby, parents hold in the hand for fear of flying, in the mouth for fear of melting, each and the baby bumps like, did not suffer, do not know the money hard to come by. Especially after work, spend their own money is more generous, no spectrum, often the beginning of the month, the end of the rich, poor, here to advise buddies and sisters, or to be thrifty, or a big deal, found themselves a little bit of money are not. Then you two still do not have a quarrel ah.
Compliance with the "three disciplines"
The first do not interfere with each other's freedom.
The 80s were born after the reform and opening up, so in their lives, in addition to accepting the traditional Chinese thinking, but also absorbed a part of the idea of freedom and equality ****, reflected in the marital relationship, that is, do not interfere with each other's freedom.
Not bad, two people are in love into the marriage hall, but marriage does not mean that the other side is your private property, the other side is first of all an individual, there is a basic **** and freedom, if unauthorized to the identity of the husband or wife to interfere with the other side of the freedom of the activities of the friendships, it will cause the other side of the resentment, once or twice may not have a relationship, but if you've always been like this, be ready to love for the love! The first time, it may not matter, but if you keep doing this, you are ready to collect the body for love. Maybe the other side will still live with you under one roof, but more because of the life rather than because of love and you together. In fact, as long as the other side still love you, did not do such as cheating and other sorry things, then why do you want to interfere with the freedom of others?
The second mistake to dare to admit fault, good at forgiveness.
People are not sages, who can not fault, in this world no one is absolutely right. In the life together with the two young couples is even more so, every day, the trifles of wood, rice, soy, vinegar, oil, salt and tea, who will make a little mistake, this time the other side of the mistake to be good at forgiveness, their own mistakes to be courageous enough to admit it.
Don't always listen to the old generation, don't bow to her (him), or you will have a hard time. If you are always wide to treat yourself, strict discipline, their own mistakes are not recognized, do not remember, the other turned over a little bit of a small error you read every day, when read, afraid that the other side do not know their own wrong words. That engage in a long, the other side to ensure that even home are not afraid to enter the reluctance to enter, do not believe, you try.
The third item don't let each other feel lonely.
Most of the children after the 80's are only children, for the only child, grew up in the forest of reinforced concrete, between neighbors, old and dead, there are no siblings, so the 80's have a sense of loneliness deep down, afraid of being forgotten by others, encouraged by the world.
Other people may forget, but you as her (his) favorite person, if he (she) lonely, you do not know where to die when the ghosts go, ghosts can not find the shadow, the phone is not a visible her (his) heart will be how lonely and helpless. Therefore, do not let the people who love you alone, even if there are things, but also to let him (her) know that you remember him (her).