About two minutes of "Double Act"
1· "Emergency of Joy Begets Sadness"
Opening remarks: Today we will perform a double act. The oboe is very interesting. It requires one person to perform in the front and the other person to speak the lines in the back. From a distance, it looks like one person. This requires the two people to have a very tacit understanding and a very good performance. Cooperate, otherwise the double act would not be called the double act. Hurry up, hurry up, put on makeup, as the saying goes, a person is not beautiful until he matures, and we will see when this person becomes mature, it is better not to mature! What we bring to you next is a new work of ours called "Emergency of Joy Begets Sadness", I hope you like it!
A: The city of life is precious, but the price of love is even higher. In order to earn RMB, he is willing to become a shemale. I haven’t introduced myself yet. My surname is Zhao, and I’m nicknamed Zhao Renyao. Friends here can just call me by my nickname when they see me in the future. Ask me what my nickname is. Tell everyone to remember my nickname. Called a shemale. I am a ladyboy, I am a ladyboy, am I really a ladyboy! (Stop, stop, stop! Come out! Why did I turn into a shemale when I came out of your mouth? Am I called a shemale?
B: Sorry, never, never!
A: My surname is Zhao, and my name is Zhao Zhixiang. The media said that I have a very special appearance, with a face shaped like a slipper. Because of this, many singers sang a popular song for me that everyone liked very much, and it quickly became popular. Popular, ah! What song is so influential? It's the song "I'm Not Zhao Zhongxiang" sung by Wang Rong. Thank you! (Stop! Is this the song Wang Rong sang? She sang "I'm Not Huang Rong". , What kind of cultural level is this? It’s always been!) My job is to sell products, and I have a unique way to talk and talk sweetly. My biggest characteristic is that I have a great body. , eating Paipai is delicious, and I have never been to a hospital in my life. Yesterday I went out to sell my products, and I spotted one. After talking for a long time, he refused to buy my products. I spent more than 300 miles with him, and finally sold him. Bottle won the first prize in the first sales skit competition of Guangxi University of Finance and Economics. The product mentioned in the entry - Naoheijing. In order to celebrate the success of the promotion, I ate 50 salted duck eggs in one bite. I just finished eating half of it. Appendicitis! Doctor! How much does it cost?
A: You don’t need that knife! Cut the appendix! Just come here! I'll give you my life!
How much does it cost? A: 80 at most!
80!
Oh, it’s so cheap! You have to pay a price for everything! I paid more than 80 for cutting off the fish head yesterday! I want to call the whole family together to have the appendix cut off! Hurry up! Take advantage of the heat!
B: It’s not like I’m having an operation! By the way, do you want an anesthetic?
A: Oops! Why are you killing pigs? Why don’t you kill me?
You only have 80. Money! Where can I get anesthesia?
A: Why don’t you get anesthesia? If you don’t get anesthesia, it will kill me! : An injection!
A: 800! Doctor, are you taking an anesthetic?
B: Imported anesthesia! Anesthesia!
B: Doctor, which brand of anesthetic is so powerful?
A: After using the Hanxiao Jiuquan anesthetic, it feels like death. .
B: Doctor, are there any cheaper ones?
A: There are cheap ones! The effect is not guaranteed! He woke up as soon as he woke up, and the areas that should be numbed were not numb, and the areas that shouldn’t be anesthetized were anesthetized for a long time! I will be irresponsible if it affects your physiological functions and marital life after having a baby!
A: Ah! Those who import, those doctors who import! Taking Hanxiao Jiuquan brand anesthesia is a cheap product with too many side effects! I can't carry it!
B: OK! Get a shot! Does it still hurt?
A: Oops! After all, it’s money, it’s money, it’s goods! It’s numb just because you’re shouting!
B: We’re ready to disembowel it! I want to ask for your opinion, should this scalpel still be sterilized?
A: Doctor! The knives are not sterilized!
B: The disinfection fee is 500 yuan!
A: Then no need! I brought a lighter! It's the same thing if you burn the knife twice on the fire!
B: You are a very imaginative patient! !
A: There is no way! It’s impossible to be uncanny when I encounter a doctor like you!
B: Let’s disembowel him! oops! oops! Bleeding! Oh, you are full of blood! So high! Do you want to stop the bleeding?
A: Of course we have to stop the bleeding! Why doesn't the bleeding stop, doctor?
B: Do you use hemostatic gauze or a rag?
A: Doctor! You still have a rag to stop the bleeding!
B: That hemostatic gauze costs 500 yuan!
A: Ouch! As much money as you want! Stop the bleeding first! It's going to kill me!
B: Yes! If you have this attitude, it will be easier for me! Let me stop the bleeding first! Open the wound! Find the appendix and cut it out with a knife! Congratulations! The operation was a complete success! One last question! Do you want to sew it up again?
A: Doctor, why are you planning to let me go out with my chest? If you go out, you will attract flies!
2· "Dormitory Hygiene"
Opening remarks: Today the two of us will perform a double act. Speaking of this double act, it is very interesting. It requires one to perform in front and perform actions at the same time. The other person is speaking the lines from behind. From a distance, it looks like one person. This requires the two people to have a very tacit understanding and cooperation in their performances, otherwise the double act will not be called a double act. Hurry up, hurry up, put on makeup, as the saying goes, a person is not beautiful until he matures, and we will see when this person becomes mature, it is better not to mature! Next, we bring you a new work called "Radio Station". I hope you like it! Then the two of us will start performing!
Beep, beep, beep, beep, the last sound just now was Beijing time - can’t see clearly! Nanning Haliyou Radio Station, the anchor is 250, the medium broadcaster is 3721, and the stereo sound has started broadcasting now. Hello, listeners, I am a radio host and my name is Boring. Although my name is very similar to that of the famous host Wu Wu, except for our outstanding appearance, we have nothing in common. Okay! Now please enjoy the weekly song , why is it called "Song of the Week"! That is to say, there is a girl who changes her boyfriend every week! Please enjoy the Chinese rumor sung by Zhao Zhixiang, a famous singer in Nanning.
Why! ! ! ! (I’m stuck on you. What are you singing? This is a Chinese folk song!) This is a Nanning folk song! ! Who taught you that? It's me! ! You Tie Tie taught you that singing here is unhygienic! Right! You said that some songs on radio and TV are played inexplicably now! Can you sing some healthy songs? ! ) Nanning Hariyou Radio Station, the following is the advertising time, the Xingfu brand insole series advertisement: Since my child has athlete's foot, he has developed anorexia, picky eating, not growing up, and is prone to colds. What should I do? He uses Xingfu brand. The insoles are all healed, I am no longer anorexic, I am no longer picky about food, I have grown taller, and my resistance has increased, these are the Xingfu brand insoles! It’s really practical and convenient! friend! Craving roasted sweet potatoes? Roasted sweet potatoes have a fragrant smell, are cheap, and are rich in vitamin A.B.C.D.E.F.G. The wholesale location is in the corner of Chaoyang Square! Friends, do you need toilet paper? Please choose the Guadepa brand sand produced in our factory! Friends, do you want to lose weight? I introduce to you a set of the most novel weight loss exercises! Stretch out your hands, take it down, take out your tongue, and stretch it out! Get ready! Left, right, up and down quickly, I am a dog! As the saying goes, if you walk a hundred steps after a meal, you can live ninety-nine years, if you smoke a cigarette after a meal, you will be a god! I am a god! I ascended to heaven! I want to die! Come out!
3·"Radio Station"
Opening remarks: Today the two of us will perform a double act. Speaking of this double act, it is very interesting. It requires one to perform in front and perform actions at the same time. The other person is speaking the lines from behind. From a distance, it looks like one person. This requires the two people to have a very tacit understanding and cooperation in their performances, otherwise the double act will not be called a double act. Hurry up, hurry up, put on makeup, as the saying goes, a person is not beautiful until he matures, and we will see when this person becomes mature, it is better not to mature! Next, we bring you a new work called "Radio Station". I hope you like it! Then the two of us will start performing!
Beep, beep, beep, beep, the last sound just now was Beijing time - can’t see clearly! Nanning Haliyou Radio Station, the anchor is 250, the medium broadcaster is 3721, and the stereo sound has started to broadcast now. Hello, listeners, I am a radio host and my name is Boring. Although my name is very similar to that of the famous host Wu Wu, except for our outstanding appearance, we have nothing in common. Okay! Now please enjoy the weekly song , why is it called "Song of the Week"! That is to say, there is a girl who changes her boyfriend every week! Please enjoy the Chinese Rumors sung by Zhao Zhixiang, a famous singer in Nanning. Why! ! ! ! (I’m stuck on you. What are you singing? This is a Chinese folk song!) This is a Nanning folk song! ! Who taught you that? It's me! ! You Tie Tie taught you that singing here is unhygienic! Right! You said that some songs on radio and TV are played inexplicably now! Can you sing some healthy songs? ! ) Nanning Hariyou Radio Station, the following is the advertising time, the Xingfu brand insole series advertisement: Since my child has athlete's foot, he has developed anorexia, picky eating, not growing up, and is prone to colds. What should I do? He uses Xingfu brand. The insoles are all healed, I am no longer anorexic, I am no longer picky about food, I have grown taller, and my resistance has increased, these are the Xingfu brand insoles! It’s really practical and convenient! friend! Craving roasted sweet potatoes? Roasted sweet potatoes have a fragrant smell, are cheap, and are rich in vitamin A.B.C.D.E.F.G. The wholesale location is in the corner of Chaoyang Square! Friends, do you need toilet paper? Please choose the Guadepa brand sand produced in our factory! Friends, do you want to lose weight? I introduce to you a set of the most novel weight loss exercises! Stretch out your hands, take it down, take out your tongue, and stretch it out! Get ready! Left, right, up and down quickly, I am a dog! As the saying goes, if you walk a hundred steps after a meal, you can live ninety-nine years, if you smoke a cigarette after a meal, you will be a god! I am a god! I ascended to heaven! I want to die! Come out!
4·"Soldier Training"
(Based on the background of fresh graduates' training as soldiers in the detachment.)
A: Dear commanders and comrades-in-arms .
He: Hello everyone! My name is XXX (A), my name is XXX (B).
A: Today we will perform a small show for you.
B: Double act.
A: Yes. In the double act, one performs in front.
B: One said at the back.
A: It’s not what you say.
B: Don’t talk about the acting.
A: That’s not a good performance, please give me more applause.
B: It’s an encouragement to both of us. (The two bow to the audience again)
A: (to B) Let’s start?
B: Let’s begin! (A is behind A and B is in front of him, take his place)
A: (in Wuhan dialect) My name is XXX, from Wuhan, Hubei. I have been in the army for 6 years. I graduated today. I haven’t had time to go back home, so I’ll hurry up. The troops are reporting in!
B: (Hurrying back to ask) But you have become an official. What kind of official does the army arrange for you to be?
A: (Mandarin) Turn around! Listen - (pause, change to Wuhan dialect) Serve as a soldier in the service platoon and stand guard for three months - exercise!
What's going on? Where are the troops? Oh, in the nook of Dabie Mountain in Xinyang.
Ouch... This place is out of the way, it's like a place where rabbits don't poop. Look up at the mountains, look down at the river valleys, count the stones, and suffer from mosquito bites!
It was my turn to stand guard. I stood at the door. I couldn't see anyone for a long time. I didn't even get a chance to show off to the leader.
In addition to a few ordinary people, the people passing by were cows, sheep, chickens, and dogs. I was so anxious. Two hours of work felt like two years had passed. Same!
When I am bored, I will salute those cows, sheep, chickens, and dogs. Hehe, this can be regarded as "post" training!
Take a break! stand at attention! salute! Take a break! stand at attention! Salute... (repeat)
B: (turn around and leave, speaking in Mandarin) Hey...! Do you want to exhaust me to death? !
A: (in Mandarin) Sorry, I just forgot the words. Come again, come again - (in Wuhan dialect) It's good to stand guard! If you don't stand guard, how can you know the depression and loneliness of the warehouse soldiers? How can you understand the difficulties of the soldiers if you don't stand guard? How can you be a platoon leader without standing guard?
It’s good to stand guard! In one word, great! Two words, great! Three words, very good...
B: (stands up and turns around) I said you can count, you? !
A: (Pushing B back to his seat, speaking in Mandarin) Don’t mess with it, continue, continue. (In Wuhan dialect) Don’t tell me, by standing guard, I have really received a lot of education, gained a lot of knowledge, and gained a lot of feelings.
I found that our warehouse soldiers are really cute... They love the valley, the warehouse, and their jobs. They are willing to endure hardship, loneliness, and selfless dedication... Through their hard work, they Barren hills turned into gardens.
It’s so beautiful. Look, this is a fish pond surrounded by willow shades, this is a leisure pavilion shaded by red flowers, this is a brand new office building, this is a newly developed nursery garden... That tree, How green, those flowers, how red. Oh, it was a paradise...
Later, I went to the more remote Posts 2 and 3 to live for a while. The conditions were even more difficult, and the water I drank was pulled from the mountains. Come up.
The most uncomfortable thing is that there are so many mosquitoes. Those mosquitoes are so big! I'll take a bite out of you, it's so big!
Every night, mosquitoes keep me awake, so I wrap myself tightly in a towel, like a mummy. I just watched how these mosquitoes bit me! "Buzz...buzz..." These mosquitoes were like a group of small helicopters, spinning around my head.
Hey, hey, hey, the one on the left, I’ll hit it! The one on the right, I'll hit it! ...(continuous)
B: (stands up and turns around) Hey! Come out, I didn’t slap you in the face, right?
A: (in Mandarin) Haha... I just want to see how many mosquitoes you can kill. Sorry, I'm going to do it next time. (In Wuhan dialect) In the past few months, I have not only gradually adapted to life in the warehouse, but I have also gained two special partners, one named "Hei Niu" and the other named "Cheetah" - they are the two dogs in our warehouse. Military dogs.
Good guys, when I first saw them, I didn’t dare to let out my big breath, and I didn’t dare to breathe. They stared at me with big vigilant eyes, stuck out their blood-red tongues, and whispered to me. Shouting "Huh...huh..."
I was so scared that I quickly bought some ham sausages.
What's going on? What to buy ham sausage for? Paying bribes, making friends now is not that easy. It won't work without benefits. Even these two dogs can't talk to you in vain.
Don’t mention it, it works.
After several contacts, they listened to me.
The personalities of these two military dogs are very different. "Black Niu" is flexible, strong-willed and a little extroverted, while "Cheetah" is slow-moving, naive and introverted.
So, "black girls" are often imprisoned by military dog ??handlers because they bite people's chickens and cows.
Once, "Black Girl" chased the common people's cow all over the camp area, and the cow was exhausted and paralyzed from running alive, so it was imprisoned again.
At that time, we were conducting on-the-job training and competition activities. When he saw the "cheetah" being taken out for training, he was extremely angry.
In anger, it jumped out of the two-meter-high fence and injured its leg.
In those days, the guide fed it delicious food every day. I quickly took advantage of this opportunity to curry favor with him. I gave it milk and ham sausage. I sat next to it, feeding it food and touching its head. It sweetens my face while eating.
I touched it, and it licked me... (Continuous) (B quietly stood up, turned around, and touched A's head)
A: (in Mandarin) You treat me like a dog What...
(The two of them took a curtain call, the end)
5·"Old Naughty Boy's New Year"
A: The leader arranged for me to perform a show, which really surprised me Embarrassed. You talk about singing, but you like to go off-key. You talk about dancing, but the movements don't match. You talk about acting in sketches, but they are not funny. I have thought of a program and I need an audience member to come up and help me out. I just need to read the script. It’s very simple. Is there anyone willing? (B comes on stage)
B: Can I do it?
A: What is your surname?
B: My surname is Zhu.
A: Zhu, this is not polite. Xiao Zhu, do you know what a double act is?
B: Is it the one who talks at the back and the other does it at the front...
A: That's right.
B: I have seen it.
A: You want to help me, the one who reads the lyrics at the end.
B: That’s easy. Do you have any words?
A: Yes, I have already prepared it. (passing the words) You get familiar with the words, and I’ll put on makeup. (Make-up next to him)
B: (Reading words) There are many happy events for reform and opening up...
A: Okay, we can start. I sit on the chair and you hide behind the chair. As soon as I slap my hands, you start.
(Everyone takes his/her place)
B: There are many happy events for the reform and opening up...
A: Uh-huh, I didn’t even slap you. here we go? Start over.
B: Okay.
A: (Applause)
B: There are many happy events in the reform and opening up. Mobile antennas are set up on hillsides. Children’s mobile phones are given to me, and I can dial them from all over the world. It’s great to celebrate the New Year. The house is full of New Year’s goods. I eat too much big fish and meat. I just want to eat Ka Huan Xi Tuo.
A: (like making a cell phone call)
B: Hey, did you get slapped? You want to fight with your son Yinwa Yin when you go to the city, right? Come back to the sand quickly! What's going on when you come back? Come back and fry the Huanxi Tuo for me to eat. Hey, you brought back a few kilograms of Huifeng wine with me. Hey, hey, you brought back those firecrackers with me.
A: (Put down the phone)
B: The transportation is convenient and the bus is fast. My wife will be home soon. I have prepared the glutinous rice noodles and will wait for you to put them on the pot. The fire is blazing and the oil is boiling, and the fragrance of joy is floating inside and outside the house.
A: (take it and eat it)
B: Oops, it’s so hot! ...so delicious. Eat one more... Oops,... Eat one more, Oops, eat one more, Oops, eat one more...
A: (It’s so hot that I can’t stand it) Stop, stop, stop, you want to burn me to death ah?
B: Didn’t you say Huanxi Tuo is delicious? I want you to eat a few more.
A: It just exploded and made my mouth burn!
B: Okay, I’ll pay attention next.
A: Come again, pay attention. (Applause)
B: After eating Huanxituo, I want to drink some wine. Jingshan Huifeng wine tastes really good. No one to accompany you? I'm here to make a call to my son.
A: (calling mobile phone)
B: Hello! Son, can you come back and drink with me? install? Your mobile company is building a provincial-level civilized unit. How busy are you? Forget it, I'll fight in the mirror!
A: (put down the phone)
B: Let me clean the mirror first. Ha ha.
A: (Have a breath, wipe the mirror)
B: Have shallow feelings, add a little, have weak feelings, drink Coke, have feelings, drink white wine, have strong feelings, drink high, have feelings Okay, let’s have a bowl of fun, deep feelings, and a clear mouthful!
A: (Appearing drunk)
B: I drank bowl after bowl, bowl after bowl. Uh, this tongue is... is Lang disobedient? The earth is...really spinning! The sky...there are...there are stars in the sky! Oops, I have to... need to relieve myself!
A: (With urine in his hand, he stood up and walked away)
B: A pound of wine, walked as usual, walked crookedly to the door, opened the door and relieved himself. Oops, once the hand is released, people will be relieved a lot.
A: (Return to sit down)
B: Come on, keep drinking! After drinking liquor and beer, I drank one glass after another... only to hear my wife yell: It's the one who peed into the refrigerator! oops! I just went to relieve myself, and when I opened the door, I saw a sensor light inside the door...
A: (Pull out B) Uh-huh, I may not be so drunk!
B: It’s not a human being who pees in his pants after drinking too much!
A: What you say seriously affects the image of modern farmers!
B: Let me pay more attention.
A: Come again. (Applause)
B: The Chinese New Year is really lively. Every household posts couplets and young and old set off firecrackers. Nowadays, whipping is no longer allowed in the city, but in our hometown we still have open fires. I asked Bazi to bring back the cannon that Sun Wazi was playing with, and I took it out and played with it!
A: (Take out the lighter)
B: You men, go to Pengka, this whip is so loud!
A: (light the whip, throw the whip)
B: Hiss...
A: (cover the ears)
B: Bah! Interesting, here’s another one.
A: (Click the whip, throw the whip, repeat twice)
B: Hiss..., hiss..., hiss...
A: ( After there is no hissing, pick up the whip and take a look)
B: Bang! !
A: (falling to the ground)
B: Turned! (Take out your mobile phone and dial) 120? Please come to Yuanyang Creek in Green Forest Town as soon as possible. An old naughty boy is injured! (Puts the armor on his back) Since you are willing and weak, why bother drinking and setting off firecrackers! (Under the carapace)