In this I've modeled one of my writing methods after One Hundred Years of Solitude, and while it's beyond my ability to match my Nobel Prize predecessor, I'm willing to give it a try.
Started writing on a sleepless night. For a moment I feared I had the insomnia described in the book. The worst thing about this disease is not that you can't sleep, but rather that you can do more without getting tired if you can do it without resting. The real killer is the forgetting, the forgetting of everything that belongs to you, and finally becoming a pale "not human" person with no future and no past. Then ...... I was in the peace that fear brings ...... I fell asleep!
It was 5.30 am in the morning when the sun was shining, so I can look back on about a year and a half. From the time I started my driver's license test, I put in a lot of stupid effort, and even though it's a very simple thing to do I never got the hang of it. Day after day, I worked at sunrise and rested at sunset. I've seen the sun at 5:30 in the morning and the moon at 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening, and I've suffered a bit of biting wind in the morning and a soft evening breeze, and I've finally made it through the second level of the course. In my joy and therefore stopped to think that finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief, I did not expect is that after a period of time, the section three times failed to make me begin to doubt is really not. So much so, that the driver's license test ended up accompanying my freshman year of college and became the thing I was most reluctant to face. It was such a small thing, but I did all the mental work. I talked to myself over and over again, and finally came up with the determination to give up if I couldn't pass the test.---- last chance. This does not mean something though, nor can I say that I can not pass is a fool, nor can I say that I choose to give up is a coward. I think giving up in moderation may sometimes be the wisest choice. And that, perhaps, was what set the stage for the epiphany I had one night six months later, only I didn't know it at the time. It just felt like, finally, I was sort of over it. Pain in and of itself means nothing; reflection on what is distressing does.
From this thing above, I understand, many times, hesitation will only defeat. It is better to advance at the first thought than to stop at the first thought. Section two after the completion of the decision to advance section three, I just think I should take a break, but I did not expect --- "a break directly rested a year". In a complete process, there is never this thing that ends for good. The end of one event is just the beginning of another. And we are in this cyclical process, in a spiral that keeps going up and up. As Li Shuitong's viewpoint suggests, man hovers between two states of suffering and peace throughout his life. And the Marxist view tells us that both man and history are always moving forward in twists and turns.
The mercurial land gave birth to the mercurial us, and I always remember that in this land, my friends and I spent the most pleasant long time. It's just that all the splendor and magnificence that life has possessed will eventually have to be repaid with loneliness.
The cat that I happened to meet on my way home from square dancing was so beautiful that she wasn't afraid of people at all, just meowing at you through the glass. When I raised my camera from afar, she didn't run away, she just sat there quietly. I thought I had met someone different that summer, but in the end I was still not immune. A few days before the driving school periphery I did not quite empathize with the evil of human nature, as if it were Schrodinger's cat. I am not in a position to say what happened, but once something happens, I will not be able to escape. For that, I will be forever grateful to the two friends I met then.
Appearing in someone's life has to be like a gift. And the few friends I met in my life, I will always feel that they saved me. Whether it was the so-called "fire and water" or "endless loneliness". I didn't realize at the time that years later, when I was confronted with so many hateful people and things, my heart was filled with strength when I thought of them. Overflowing with my own grandeur.
I have never dared to imagine how bleak my life, my world would be without them. I'm a carbonated beverage that has run out of gas, I'm a cactus without thorns, I'm a cheese that I've always carefully treasured but has already gone bad ...... It is like a meteorite that has fallen to the ground and made a big or small crater, but it is as if it has never been brilliant. And with the passage of time, one day, that pit, which is the only trace that can prove its existence, will also disappear, as if it had never appeared. The world envies the giftedness of geniuses and admires the down-to-earthness of strugglers, but the world will not remember me. One day, suddenly a few people said to you, even so, I like sweet drinks without carbon dioxide, I like cactus without thorns, and since the cheese is spoiled then it will be a memory forever ...... They took my hand and have been my strongest shield ever since. It was also just a very ordinary day, but from then on, that day became the most important day of my life.
I had been immersed in all kinds of unrealistic fantasies, such as a divine soldier-like chance encounter, such as all kinds of surprise encounters ...... And once I realized that the person I liked was just an ordinary mortal, then I stopped and started over. I imposed my own imagination on the other person, a little dissatisfaction, then all the respect far away and even incomparable contempt. And so every so-called germ has a bad end. I have been looking forward to it, but I have never once put it into action.
I've traveled all this way and passed many people by. I've also been known to "blindly stumble upon a dead mouse" and become someone's light. But at the time, all of them were the existence of the pain that I felt immensely. Simple expression was taken as a synonym for rashness, and calmness and restraint were criticized as being old-fashioned. So I refused to communicate with the outside world, and was criticized for being a closed-minded person. Then let him go, since every step should be disaster, then every step to choose what you want.
Still feel angry, in this process I think I paid so much so much, you reply to me a light "Oh, then what". Then shouldn't we work together? What else is there to do then? Or maybe it's, "You're always like that, you're so boring," or something like that. But that's what I am. I'm funny and I'm boring. Do I even think about my intentions when I unilaterally claim things like that? For the above gold medal surfers, simply kicked away, to hell with your full of reasoning, but also not able to face their own hearts. It's hard to imagine answering a letter with a sneaky reply, sending the most precious gift with a careless gesture. Every stroke is like a taunt, see - this is the person you presume to save; see, not everyone can be the savior. When I finally woefully chose to give up and end miserably, I was again confessed that I was unbelievably lovely, that I was the one who opened the door to someone's new world, that I was like. ---- At a certain noon when I was wholeheartedly preparing for the exam, when I was starving in the scorching heat of the sun. At what he called an important moment ...... So unmercifully scolded back. Qingfeng can not read and write, why do you mess with the book? Since then for the white chubby kind eyes of fat people and seemingly innocent but the heart is as fine as hair of the black people incomparable hatred, there is no next not for example.
I have realized my every wish, the only thing I don't have, the so-called even strength. There is no firm choice over, has been missing, everywhere full of regret, but I do not regret. 20 years old, the best decade of life as promised, I should cherish is. I'm not going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it, and I'm going to be able to do it.
What I haven't realized is that I'm an incredibly cheerful and kind boy who's overflowing with youthfulness. What I've always wanted to say most of all is that he was the one who brightened me up in those last hours. Throwing an unbelievably bright light on my darkened life. When I cast my eyes on others; when I didn't make a firm choice because I cared about gossip; when I was irrationally upset over trivialities ...... he seemed to be there all the time, resplendent, unseen and untroubled. And I knew that I was happy that he was there. On the road with him, I was happy. I'll never forget when we were flying to the highest part of the playground to see the color of the sky in the distance because of my whim, and I actually unconsciously looked at him as I looked at the sky. It's impossible to describe the subtle feeling, it just felt like, if only it could have been a little longer. It seemed like the two of us had always known each other, because it seemed like we'd always known what the other's name was and had heard about it. But it also seemed like we didn't know each other at all, because we didn't speak much, and even when we ran into each other, we just looked at each other and smiled and nothing more. I admit that in the last period of time, I did not have other thoughts, just feel very happy with him, that's all. But in the end, I couldn't help but be subjected to unwarranted suspicion, and I was annoyed. He feels to me as if he's always there, always chipper and fast-paced, doing his own thing. He worked hard, thrived at his own pace, and just ran full steam ahead all the way.
He seems to have always been good to me, only what I don't know is if he's been that way with anyone else. And therefore if he is. The best little sister I've ever had! The thing I regret the most is rebuking him on an incredibly impulsive level, but the reason for that is really my own weakness. I didn't want to admit that I had even had odd thoughts about him as more than just a friend. But the more I did, the deeper I seemed to fall. Caught up in my own obsession that I couldn't get out of. I know I'm nothing more than a neophyte, and I get bored quickly with what comes to me. And because of that, I can't just decide on any kind of intimacy and part ways in a haphazard manner. Or to be honest, due to some irresistible natural factor, too familiar, so familiar that I can't choose something easily. The word familiar in quotes. I was never able to look myself in the eye, and I had no way of denying my heart. I wasn't pretty and my grades were average. I couldn't see anything good about myself that he should find. There was no way I could accept and admit my mediocrity and incompetence. It wasn't until later that I realized that ordinary didn't equal mediocre. He was such a nice guy, and I had been restraining myself from urges I shouldn't have. But I couldn't avoid the violent ecstasy. And so the grief seemed inexcusable. It was as if he had always been there, and as if I didn't know from which moment I would lose him forever. I don't know what I really want, and if I really had to name an answer, I guess I want him to keep shining, to keep being there, to keep growing unbending and upward. I don't have to care about the eyes of others, I just want to walk my own path and shine my own light.
It is because loneliness is the norm in life that companionship becomes more precious. I'm glad we can be a part of each other's lives and witness a special time in our lives.
What I've said above is more like being skeptical. The saying goes, "There is no tree in Bodhi, and the mirror is not a stage. I've never been to a place where there is no dust." I've never experienced it, so who am I to say that what I feel is right. Or maybe it's not so much what I feel as what I believe I feel. And that, as it happens, is the most deceptive of all.
I think I am not of sound character, and I see things only as I feel them. I do whatever I want, and if I am not careful, I will fall into a place of no return. Therefore, I can not take good care of other people's feelings, because I know myself only slightly. This long road, for me, is more like a practice to meet my true self. It's been a long journey with many obstacles and dangers, all for the sake of a momentary epiphany and day-to-day action. Change is hard, always.
In all relationships, the most taboo is self-touching. It only makes sense to run in both directions, and without having to say how much I'm giving, I can only move myself alone. I am always self-centered, happy when called, unhappy when a kick away. Jealousy and revenge. For those kinds of things, I can't wait to talk for three days and three nights, and he told him how his pregirlfriend was in his own election when he was transformed into a lemon essence on the spot, and how she was in front of and behind the denigration of me, and in groups of three to five to add to my trumped-up charges. And again, even before that, how she teared up and frowned at others. I've always been unafraid to respond in the worst possible way to everyone who upsets me. Worse, there was that unexplained possessiveness; how could my friends hang out with people I hated? Smiling at each other is never okay, and walking around in a group is a mortal sin. I'm ever so confidently loyal to my own inspiration, only I can see through him, and you all think he's good? Then one day you'll regret it! As you can see, this is me. I'm not even open-minded, I say the same things to discredit each other. It's just a matter of time, since it's all in the past. How could I do such a thing? How could I let someone else go through the same filthy things I went through? And what about myself? Is that noble and honorable? Not necessarily. Therefore, this is something I can never tell him.
Yes, it's all in the past. I don't have to dwell on it, I don't have to get caught up in my own demons. But there are things that are important to me that I want to say, over and over again, beyond belief. It's like the whole world knows it, and I'm just about to shout it out loud myself. The more I'm warned not to do something, the more I do it! Can't I just talk about it? Big deal, big deal, if I lose it, I'm all alone and unattached anyway. But I can't, some words can't be said, some words even more can't be said. Let's just put it in words and express the unhappiness in my heart. I shouldn't be bound, why can't I let go to do it? Because I don't dare, I also just talk. Because there is no firm choice, because of the fear of a careless full plate, this cast forever regret. But whether to say or not to say, in my heart, are regret. Only, say is unknown, the risk is greater, and do not say is known, only I know. How can I? And how can I?
Putting it here, I wonder if anyone will see it. I've done a lot of things in these two and a half long, short years (from my senior year of high school to now), but it seems like I was wrong from the start. It started when ---- continuous state of multitasking, yet stopped just short of making plans and tasks out of it and giving up because it was too hard. It seems like I'm busy, but I'm actually too busy for my own good. It seems like I'm constantly holding on to something, or trying to keep giving up. And the constant giving up gave me serious self-doubt. Serious internal mental exhaustion, a powerful force of constant self-attack. I was never getting the positive feedback that seemed to me to be working. Caught in a vicious cycle of weeks and weeks. I could never find a way out and it seemed to me that everything had lost its original meaning. It was as if I was an incredibly positive depressed person who seemed to be cooperating with treatment all the time, but in fact had long since lost the desire to live. I said to myself, there is no way out, there is no way I can keep going on and on like this, there is no way to break out. There is no way to find my way out. I gave up again and again, and picked myself back up again and again.
When I look at the photo of myself on the ID card, I see an unspeakable feeling in my heart. Whether it's "overworked fat" or "anxiety fat", it's just too fat for words. Whatever choice I made, I think it was the best choice I could have made at the time. I'm not saying it's bad to be fat, nor do I think it's a good idea to go after "not over 100 pounds". It's just that gradually, this undisciplined life had some bad effects on me. I had trouble staying on track with something, and I would always give up halfway through. All of my plans - on paper only - I didn't have the consistency and dedication to finish what I wanted to do. Naturally, someone else was able to accomplish it, so I watched helplessly as others lived the life they wanted, reaping the rewards of what was theirs, little by little.
To say that the biggest change should be my slow acceptance of this imperfect self. I don't have the ability, I don't have the will to be superhuman, and I can't achieve what I want to achieve all of a sudden through hard work. I can't see the mountain through a blindfold. I realized more and more as I lived my life that I was ordinary. I was once unable to accept the fact ---- that I am obviously in possession of excellent skills how so not to develop their fists and feet. And after struggling for close to three years, I finally understood:Ordinary does not mean mediocre, while embarking on a lot of things, it seems to be earned, in fact, nothing. With my shortcomings, may also be that way, it is better to face it frankly. To build on my strengths and avoid my weaknesses is the most important thing I should do. That's what I learned in my loss six months ago that I didn't realize.
When did I start having such and such unrealistic fantasies? And at what point did I blindly expand my fantasies in some invisible way? Probably during my senior year of high school, I experienced extreme low self-esteem and madness, and finally fell into a kind of unspeakable delusion of grandeur so-called idealism. And ultimately bear all the disasters that resulted from it.
I have come all this way with a clear conscience. Even if there have been losses, but also frankly. Until the final overwhelm ---- when it was simply too late for me to react in any way, when no matter what I did I couldn't fill in the hole, when I thought I could try again, when I didn't know it anymore, when I had long since been removed from the so-called hope. During this very long process, I wasn't awake enough on my own to make the acquaintance of a like-minded, almost fanatical romantic. It was fun, but it was also empty. It was clear that everything was being done, and it seemed like nothing was being done. Blowing each other off, aspiring to be that unique best of the best. What she did best, was compel. And what I did best, was paperwork. Slowly, even though I was separated from her and from the environment I was in at the time, my own "field" didn't change substantially as a result. Or, rather than saying that, I'm misinterpreting what she meant. I was the one who was unmotivated, the one who wanted to get it over with, the one who refused to rise to the occasion. Then again, instead of saying I didn't try my best, it's better to admit ---- that even if I tried my best, that's all I could do. At one point this seemed like a terrible thing to me. Therefore, I have always refused to accept, always with a kind of "in fact, I am very clever just did not try" posture, to scorn those who really down-to-earth to do the study.
And when I tried to struggle, I was the moldy beef patty, I was the gnawed skeleton, I was the poor landlord. So three words destroyed my self-confidence, and I was plunged into infinite misery. So I deserved to be banished and never to be recalled. And what I didn't expect was that my unexpected vacation brought about by that seemingly insignificant virus that can't even be described in quantitative terms would turn out to be the medicine that redeemed me. When I saw the light of day, the new king granted me amnesty, and one day I was able to enter the hallowed halls of heaven with my "stupid skills". The announcement seemed to come as a surprise, and I felt excited and cautious. Our real friends didn't feel sorry for us, but only flirted with us. And I'm not sure how many of those tearful farewells came from the heart. For some, even leaving feels like being at home, just a place to move on, while for me, no matter what happens here, this is heaven.
Some people say that I'm just too weak to take a hit. But that was the person I held as a god, that was the person I thought would never change no matter what happened. And that just happened to be the last straw that broke the camel's back. I just felt disappointed and again, I didn't know what I could do, I didn't know what else I could do. With my limited vision and ability, with my level of cognizance that seems to be eye to eye but is actually a dead giveaway.
Frankly speaking, the end of my secondary school is very objective and real: I did not hang like a big kill, just with an ordinary score to the ordinary strength and the arrogance of the heart is higher than the sky to enter a good university; I did not even learn their favorite profession, not to mention what top of the list. Ordinary and mundane, day after day. But I shouldn't forget these experiences that seemed so poignant to me at the time. Only by raising the level of my own cognition could I get enough to match everything.
And so it was that I fell into another circle, trying frantically to take in everything that seemed to me to be of help to me. But in that vast sea of resources, I try to do my best to grasp just a drop in the bucket. And for me, those favorites were enough to keep me going for a long time. Day in and day out, I acted as a mover and shaker of knowledge, but only glimpsed at the things that really needed my attention. Then they were thrown away with the excuses that there wasn't enough time, there was too much to do, and these things weren't what I really wanted to learn. ...... All sorts of excuses to leave them behind. In hindsight, the classics are still the classics, I'm still me, and not necessarily as good as my former self.
It is true that the pursuit of learning or? The first thing that you need to do is to put in a lot of effort in order to see a little bit of hope. There are no shortcuts to learning. I have been enshrined, but it is just a piece of paper. What really needs to be done is always persistent action. What I can see is making mistakes over and over again, even repeating them without any progress, but what I can't see is the "conditioned reflexes" that are rooted in my heart and have become a part of my life. It's easy to do something, but it's hard to make it happen. Flowers bloom and fall. I am no longer a child. I can no longer act recklessly. Persistence is the key, but it is also difficult. Then go ahead and do one thing. Start with one thing. And then slowly add to it.
Strangely enough, when I was small, I still knew that if I didn't study hard or work hard, I wouldn't get good grades. Now that I'm getting older, I'm always thinking about getting something for nothing. In fact, it is not more and more unhappy, but the happiness itself has become more complex, need to do more things to realize their own happiness. Streams of water do not compete for the first, but compete for the heave. It is only through constant effort that one can realize one's goals. "I am y afraid that I am not a piece of beautiful jade, so I do not dare to ponder over it diligently, but I am half convinced that I am a piece of beautiful jade, so I refuse to be mediocre and keep company with the rubble." The description in "The Book of the Mountain and the Moon" was once very close to my heart.
More often than not, I have seen too many beautiful words, and so I blindly take the experience of others as a guideline and ignore my own uniqueness. Let the flower become a flower, let the tree become a tree. Thousands of sails are competing, and a hundred boats are competing. Under the impact of the tides of the times, can we keep our original intention and not lose our direction? I would like to call it "a failed ruler's self-help movement". I have not tried to save myself, but unfortunately I am too sick to be cured. I thought I had borrowed someone else's glass of wine, and instead of telling everything about myself, I just copied someone else's story as my own experience and told it to someone else, and was complacent about it. When I realized that the other side of the meaning of the slightest denial of my anger, and strive to be invincible. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good look at this, but I'm sure you're going to be able to get a good look at this.
What I can't deny, however, is that I've always been in the middle of something I love and didn't even know it. Because the desire to be a teacher has been in my heart since I was in elementary school. I've been going around in circles, and suddenly I realized that thanks to God's mercy, I was able to choose it after so many years when I was really deciding on the direction of my life. This is probably one of the things that I've been sticking to ---- my heart for so many years.
And it is always the seemingly useless things that really work. Twelve Letters to a Young Man inspired me; Honky Tonk Torture shook me; One Hundred Years of Solitude inspired me ...... Looking at that one calm and restrained text, I was incredibly religious in everything I believed in ---- Only books were my final salvation. That endless wisdom, that sage advice. Whichever is the presence that draws me in. Those seemingly unrelated experiences weave a gentle web that sends me to the other side. Those who seem to never see each other again became an indispensable presence in my life.
When I really took off the layer of armor that had been binding me, there was no sound at this time. My biggest feeling is that I don't know what to say. Those obviously carved into the bones of the interesting surprisingly did not have half a bit of room to show. Language can not express, then hidden in the words. Words have an end, but the meaning is endless. In fact, I always want to follow this sentence with a nonsensical sentence: the children and grandchildren are endless. Some people love me, no matter what the world says about me, firmly love me as I am; some people have expectations of me, hoping that I will always walk in the place of flowers; some people envy me, saying that I do not know how to cherish, hoping that one day I will be pulled down from the altar; some people hope that I fall into hell, never turn over; some people belittle me, saying that I am busy and busy to the end of the day is nothing more than that, no name ....... In any case, I saw myself in the eyes of these people in a way that I had never seen myself before. And I've always believed in everything I believe in and loved everything I love. Incredibly determined to choose nothing for myself.
The most important thing is always to pursue the true self, no matter what you do, the premise is to do well first. It is not desirable to lose oneself in pursuit of so-called glory. In the age of entertainment, it's easy to be led by the nose before forming your own values ----, and you're exhausted and don't know what you really want. The most important thing to do is to lower your threshold of excitement and invest your time and energy into something truly meaningful. Action is the only cure for fear.
Honestly, life is hard and life is fun. Day after day, flowers can blossom on a calm day if you put your heart and soul into it. As the saying goes, flowers bloom, and that's pretty much it. It's a long story about me. I have also longed for a flash of erudition, a moment of splendor, and the ease with which I can swim. But these will always be an accessory to the efforts that have been made, and cannot be rushed, nor can they be rushed. What I said once was not what I really wanted to say. Since you can't juggle so many things at once, let's just do one thing. One can only find one's direction by constantly moving forward, and likewise, one can only find one's own way by constantly trying. There is never a perfect plan, all we can do is to put our ideas into action, and then seek ways to possibly succeed in the midst of failure.
It is impossible to look into the future without fear, because if you are not careful you will either become over-ambitious or you will lie down with empty hands. I can't declare that I'm going to do something or the other because if I'm not careful, I'll think that I've already done it and then I'll brag about it. Like the people of Wuling, at first it is very narrow, but only through the people, and then dozens of steps, open up. So let's do it, for the sake of one day's openness.