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Jokes about Mandarin?
The state wants to promote Putonghua, the county party secretary and county governor of a county in Ningbo, Zhejiang Province, responded positively to the call of the state and decided to make a speech in Putonghua at the county's rural work conference to take a good lead. County Party Secretary: "Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! Don't want pickles la, pickles are too expensive!" (Interpreter: Comrades, villagers, pay attention! No more speeches, we're in session!) After the county secretary has finished speaking, the host says: "Pickles please, sausages and pickles!" (Interpreter: The prefect will now speak!) The prefect says: "Rabbits, today's meal dogs eat, everyone is a big wanker!" (Interpreter: Comrades, today's meal is enough, everyone make big bowls!) (Translation: Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. -----) (Translation: Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. ------) (Translation: This is a dog shit that someone may have eaten) (Interpreter: This is a story someone might know.) County Governor: eat not also do not be anxious (know not also do not be anxious) County Governor: I will now give you pull - A college in Guangxi new to a very heavy accent of the principal. One day, he walked into the office seriously said to the secretary: "I want to kill a person!" Words just fell, next to a female assistant of Ningxia nationality was scared to lose color. After half a day, the original principal "kill" (sha) "check" (cha) is not divided, in fact, want to say "I want to check a person". In the Democratic Road, a unit working in the division of the Miss business trip, and a foreign unit of the lady living in the same hotel room. In the evening, the lady asked her with a smile: "Are you dead? You do not die I die first." Ms. Shi was stunned. After some comparison, she realized that it was the lady's "dialect version" of Mandarin that was at fault, pronouncing the word for "bath" (xi) as the word for "death" (si), and that she was actually trying to She was actually asking, "Have you taken a bath yet? I'll do it first if you don't."
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Jokes about Mandarin
Two guys went to the cafeteria to eat, unfortunately, next to the seat of the two couples, and I, but also feed each other. Two buddies just a little stayed down, but they did not say anything, and soon the two couples themselves took the initiative to leave ...... Because they also began to feed each other, 1. There is a polar bear and a penguin playing together, the penguin pulled the body hairs one by one, after pulling, said to the polar bear: "good cold oh! "The polar bear heard, also pulled their own body hairs one by one, turned his head to the penguin, said:" really very cold! 2、Small Ming lost a leg in a car accident, small Ming lost another leg in a car accident, another car accident small Ming lost his other leg, a car accident small Ming lost his leg again, in fact, small Ming is a dog. 3、One day a cabbage was walking along the road and felt very hot, so he took off one piece after another and lost himself. 4、There was a bun walking on the road, feeling very hungry, so it ate itself. 5, Xiaoming and Xiaohong is the same table, one day, Xiaoming borrowed a pen from Xiaohong, Xiaohong said, "No," "Lend me you will die!" Then she said, "Oh, I'll lend it to you." When Ming returned the pen to her, she died. 6. Once upon a time there was a little lamb who went out to play one day and ran into the Big Bad Wolf. The big bad wolf said, "I'm going to eat you!!!" Guess what? As a result, the big bad wolf ate the little sheep. 7. Bug: Little Flower, did you use my pencil? Little Flower: No, I didn't use it. Bug: Are you really useless? Little Flower: I'm really useless! Bug: Ugh, you're the 17th person to admit you're useless 8. When will Taiwan want unification? When you buy instant noodles 9. One day Xiao Qiang asked his father: "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?" 10. A rare steak and a medium rare steak met on the street, why didn't they say hello? (Assuming they can talk) Because ...... they are not cooked ah ~~~~~~~~ 11.Devil: God, can I be reincarnated? God: Yes. Devil: I don't want to be a devil anymore, I want to be white like an angel and have a pair of wings, but I still want to suck blood. God: Well, you'll be reincarnated as a Lancaster. 12. A man ran into God one day, and God suddenly had the goodness to give the man a wish. God asked: What do you wish for? The man thought for a moment and said: I heard that cats have nine lives, then please give me nine lives! God said: Your wish has come true! One day, the man was bored and thought he would die, he had 9 lives anyway, so he lay down on the railroad tracks, and a train went by, and the man died. Why is that? Because the train had 10 cars. 13, Xiaoming owes 200,000 underground money changers, Xiaoming begged him to let a few more days, money changers said: "tomorrow must pay, or else ......, chopped off 2 fingers; the day after tomorrow, ......, chopped 4; the third day then ......" Xiao Ming: "Is it not necessary to pay back" The money changer: "NO, by then you will become Tinkerbell." 14. There is a man who has a bad stomach. One day, he came to the gastric hospital to see a doctor, said to the doctor: "I eat what pull what, eat watermelon pull watermelon, eat cucumber pull cucumber!" The doctor thought about it, and said to him: "I think you can only eat shit!" 15, three small animals in the forest chatting, piglet said: now popular with nicknames, you after you call me piggy piggy. Rabbit said: good, then I will be called little rabbit rabbit. Chicken face unhappy said: I have something to do, first go 16, a person to the hospital to see a doctor. The doctor said: you have to take a blood test. Urine. Test stool After a while he came back to the doctor said: I blood also swallowed. Urine also swallowed. But he couldn't swallow the stool. There were three people in a family, Bandit, Chopper and Trouble. One day, Trouble disappeared. One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the police station with a cleaver and said, "Hello, I'm the robber, and I've brought a cleaver to look for Trouble." Hip Hip and Haha were good friends, very good friends. One day, Haha died. Hip was very sad, he went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you're dead." On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but the 1 dollar for the ride. I sat from the beginning to the end of the bus, and I felt calm all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found an extra note in my pants: "A grown-up goes out without a penny. -- On Tuesday, I carried a broken wallet with 10 cents in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, but there was a note in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession," -- " Wednesday, I still carried the money. -- " On Wednesday, I still tucked through the wallet, which was filled with $100 in counterfeit bills. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed into my wallet: "It is illegal to keep large-denomination counterfeit copies, so please consciously go to the relevant departments to turn them in. -- On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of expired copies of the Straits Times. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there, and when I took out the newspaper, it had been replaced by the latest Straits Times, with a note: "This is the age of counseling, so keep up-to-date with the latest information in order to seize the opportunity and win success! -- On Friday, I put a toy cell phone in my coat pocket. When I arrived at the terminal, the cell phone was still there, with an extra note: "Please do not make this joke to affect the normal work of our company. -- " On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waistband. When I got to the terminal, I found the gun gone and a note stuffed in the waist of my pants: "I'm sick and tired of you robbers, you're not even technical! Confiscated tools! -- On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, but it was too crowded. When I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found that I had 20 dollars more and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for us to work all day long in this business, here's to 20 dollars, take a taxi wherever you want to go, and please don't fix us again." Three rats were bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison like candy, I don't feel comfortable if I don't eat it." Another said, "I love to walk down the street twice a day or I can't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's late, go home and hug the cat." The couple divorced and fought for the child, the wife said with a straight face: "The child came out of my belly, of course it belongs to me!" Husband said: "Joke! It's nonsense. The money taken out of the cash machine can belong to the cash machine? It belongs to whoever inserted the card! A mom said to her little girl, "If someone is sexually harassing you, say "no" when you touch the top and "stop" when you touch the bottom." The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back to her mom in tears. After hearing what the little girl said, her mom said angrily, "Did you turn that person down?" The little girl looked at her mom with innocent eyes and nodded her head, saying, "The guy touched me up and down, so I said, "Don't stop"! Zhuge Liang is a person who is well versed in the eight arts, and one of his specialties is ventriloquism. But this day Zhuge Liang is with Liu Bei in the tent deliberations, Zhuge Liang suddenly want to fart, and afraid of being Liu Bei heard, embarrassed. He had an idea, said: "Lord, in order to regulate the atmosphere, I learn woodpecker call to you how to listen?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang imitated the woodpecker calling twice and took the opportunity to fart. Then asked, "How about it Lord? Did I learn like it?" Liu Bei said, "You learn it again, just now you farted too loudly, I didn't hear it." An elementary school student participated in her first school recitation competition and was especially nervous. Her teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally, it was her turn. The elementary school student gritted her teeth and took a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers, classmates, I recite the title: Red Leaf Madness (Maple) ......" ~~-#￥**...... Or an elementary school student, see the teacher point to read the composition of the classmates, especially envious, always looking forward to the teacher can also let themselves read a time. The opportunity finally came. "So-and-so, read your essay to everyone!" The pupil stood up with a flourish: "My Teacher". Teacher, how much I resemble your mother ......" :( This time it was a poorly trained host of a song and dance troupe. A performance, not properly prepared before the stage in a hurry. The show went on in order. It was her turn to announce the curtain: "Friends of the audience, please listen to the calf (solo) flute playing ......" (Note: "calf" in the northeastern dialect has the meaning of cursing) The audience poured a -#￥- My family often planted onions in pots in the winter to keep it fresh and tender. My sister came home for New Year's Eve and saw it, and said to my mom with delight, "Hey! Mom, this thick real onion ......" My mom and I laughed. There is a neighbor whom I call "Big Aunt" who rides her bicycle to work every day. Early in the morning, I ran into her at the door, I smiled and politely said: "on the aunt ah, Taiban ......". Bah! ...... I was dying to bite my tongue off. A female classmate, one day to look at the shadow of self-pity, suddenly turned his head to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair beautiful?" Startled, she added, "Oh, I meant to ask if my eyebrows are fierce." All rise! Play the flag, raise the national anthem... There was also a line in a text taken from a novel by a Russian author that said: "All the houses here belong to the lords (meaning the rich). As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: "All the houses here are owned by the lords". As soon as the words left his mouth, our language teacher asked him suspiciously: Where do all the old ladies live? Electrical appliances held a joke-telling contest, with the rule that each appliance had to tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or be taken to Aruba. First up was the washing machine, and as soon as he finished his joke, the whole audience laughed. Suddenly, he heard the rice cooker say, "It's cold!" So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next up was the smartest computer, and when he finished his joke, all the appliances laughed. The rice cooker was heard to say, "It's cold!" So! The computer was also taken to Aruba. The third one is the most humorous table lamp. After the lamp told the joke confidently, everyone laughed until they were rolling on the floor. The rice cooker says again, "It's cold~~~" Just as the lamp is about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stands up angrily, turns his head to the refrigerator sitting behind him and says, "I've had enough of this, just laugh, don't open your mouth so wide, it's very cold ugh!" Appliance supplies held a joke telling contest, with the rule that each appliance had to tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or be taken to Aruba. First up was the washing machine, and when he finished his joke, the whole audience laughed. Suddenly, he heard the rice cooker say, "It's cold!" So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next up was the smartest computer, and when he finished his joke, all the appliances laughed. The rice cooker was heard to say, "It's cold!" So! The computer was also taken to Aruba. The third one is the most humorous table lamp. After the lamp told the joke confidently, everyone laughed until they were rolling on the floor. The rice cooker says again, "It's cold~~~" Just as the lamp is about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stands up angrily, turns his head to the refrigerator sitting behind him and says, "I've had enough of this, just laugh, don't open your mouth so wide, it's very cold ugh!" Appliance supplies held a joke telling contest, with the rule that each appliance had to tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or be taken to Aruba. First up was the washing machine, and when he finished his joke, the whole audience laughed. Suddenly, he heard the rice cooker say, "It's cold!" So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next up was the smartest computer, and when he finished his joke, all the appliances laughed. The rice cooker was heard to say, "It's cold!" So! The computer was also taken to Aruba. The third one is the most humorous table lamp. After the lamp told the joke confidently, everyone laughed until they were rolling on the floor. The rice cooker said again, "It's cold~~~" Just as the lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily, turned his head to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough of this, just laugh, don't open your mouth so wide, it's very cold ugh!" UGLY CHILD A woman gets into a public ****ing automobile with a child in her arms. The driver takes one look at the child and suddenly says, "I've never seen such an ugly child in my life!" The exasperated woman walks to the last row, sits down, and says to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" The man replied, "You hurry up and go settle the score with him, I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ......" Jokes about speaking bad Mandarin 1. The fish seller yelled at the top of his lungs, "Fish, fish, fish." Next to a date seller, he yelled, "Fish, fish, fish." Fish." Fish." Fish." Fish." Fish sellers listen more and more wrong, think sell jujube as if intentionally against him, so the two quarreled. 2, a township enterprise's factory director will go to Kobe, Japan to visit, he can't even speak Mandarin, usually only speak dialect. So he asked his subordinates to find an interpreter, the subordinates came back to report: "Japanese interpreters do not understand the factory director of the vernacular". The factory manager said: "This is good, we will bring another teacher from the town, then ask him to translate our native language into Mandarin." Subordinates said: "Not yet ah, to Japan still have to ask a person to Japan's 'Mandarin' translated into Kobe's vernacular." 3, a very heavy dialect of the native accent of the outsiders, lost in the city, see a gentleman lady walking over, they greeted and asked: "rabbit (comrade), kiss (please) ......" The words are not finished, the lady will be angry red face. 4, a southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing, said to the waitress: "sleep a night (dumplings a bowl) how much?" The waitress heard, changed color, shrill: "rascal!" The southerner heard, said: "only 60 cents, cheap, to a night (bowl)." 5, there is a pair of farmers brother and sister with a crate pulling wheat to the market to sell, a southerner came to their brother and sister, asked: "Big brother, your little sister (wheat) how to sell ah?" The elder brother was so angry that his veins popped out on his forehead. 6. Old Uncle Cow was hawking loudly, "Sell mooncakes, four dollars for ten." Many people gathered to buy this "cheap" moon cakes, to pay, only to realize that the old man's moon cakes are ten dollars four. 7, the old people in the home for the elderly in the Mid-Autumn Festival night party, host Mrs. Wang said: "Everyone, the show damn (start), everyone please be quiet." 8, a northerner in a park in Guangzhou inquiring about "cable car" where, according to the answer to find, find the "men's toilet". 9, a pair of new couples after the first morning of marriage, the family got up to wash their faces, the bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law: "Granny, please die first (wash)." After saying this, the bride then said to the groom, "If your mother-in-law dies, will you die?" After a pause she added, "When both the mother-in-law and you die, I will die last." When the mother-in-law heard this, her face turned blue and she could not say a word. The bride said again, "Granny, why don't you die?" 10, a Putian old lady selling sugar cane on the side of the road, a bus stopped, the car a foreigner came to the old lady stall to buy sugar cane, just weighed sugar cane, not yet paid, the car started. The old woman urged, "Hurry up, you money to me, I marry (cane) to you." The foreigner was so scared that he didn't even take the sugar cane and got into the car quickly. 11, a country girl came to the supermarket, the waiter warmly greeted: "Miss, what do you want?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pig Sun (bamboo shoots)." 12, spring flowers met a friend with his son shopping, busy to greet, and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) looks really cute." 13, a rural elementary school class, the teacher walked into the classroom: "stand (on) class." The students said in unison: "old dead (teacher) good!" The teacher said: "spit blood (students), early death (on) good!" 14, two country girls back to the city, it was late, see a truck driving, they waved to the truck, the driver poked his head out, a girl said: "Comrade, we can do (sit) your wife (car) child?" The driver said in a bad humor, "Who wants you to be my wives." The other girl hurriedly said, "It doesn't matter, we are very close (轻)." The driver was so angry that he drove the car away, thinking: "Who and you kiss to go." 15、The village headman said at the villagers' meeting, "Rabbits, shrimps, pickles are too expensive, don't want pickled melon, want pig's feet." Translating his dialect into Mandarin was: comrades, villagers, now meeting, do not speak, pay attention. When my friend and I first moved, we didn't have a TV at home, and the two of us were bored. We pretended that there was a TV on the table, and then the two pretended that there was a remote control in our hands and that we could change the channel. This son of a bitch kept changing the channel, I told him and he didn't listen, then we fought. The teacher asked Xiao Ming a question in class. Xiao Ming stood up but didn't say anything. Teacher: Xiao Ming? Teacher: Xiao Ming Teacher: Xiao Ming! What's wrong with you? Do you know the answer or not? Teacher: Xiao Ming! Siu Ming: Squeak! Three little rabbits pooped. The first one was a long strip. The first was a long one, the second was a ball. The third one is a triangle. Asked, it answered: I pinched it with my hand. Pig Bajie is on the moon and Chang'e make out, suddenly a black shadow swept past, Pig Bajie hurriedly with a nail rake Chase out, after a while back, said: Damn, Yang Liwei ...... A man raised a parrot, very powerful, and it shut with the other birds were killed by it. Then the owner got back an eagle and it rested in a piece, and when the owner in to see, the outside of the cage hanging parrot's hair. The master said, "This time not **** it." But in a closer look, is the eagle died, parrot naked said, "This grandson is really powerful, not take off the bare bladder but also really can not beat the yatting." "Have you ever heard the big pig said there, the little pig said there is no" joke General will answer no Today in the Internet cafe to play CS, not far away from the two non-mainstream in the play Jin5, open LiPaLa the keyboard! I'm not happy! So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed hard! Harder! Faster than them! Louder than they were! They couldn't help but look over, and I glanced at them with contempt! They turned pale and glared at me! I glared right back! They continued to play Power 5 with a grimace, but the sound was louder than mine! How could I be so happy? So, I just slapped the keyboard with my palm! Slap it hard! Slap it hard! Those two guys stopped playing Power 5 and started slapping the keyboard! And the sound is more than I can handle! How could I stop? I hit the keyboard with my fist! Harder! Harder! The two men looked at each other and started hitting the keyboard too! The sound of the keyboards surpasses mine! I won't give up! I ripped off the keyboard! I threw it to the ground! I stomped on it! I stomped on it! The whole cafe applauded me! The two non-mainstreamers were dumbfounded, they didn't know what to do! But, under my provocative gaze, they got angry! They tore off their keyboards! They threw it on the ground and stomped on it! Then they also looked at me provocatively! At this time, the Internet cafe administrators surrounded them! A network administrator looked at their stomped keyboard, a slap in the face on the past! Then