Outside the hedge the old road you held me through.
Even goodbyes are silent in the year of barren smoke and grass.
--Adapted from "The East is Broken"
(1)
It's hot summer again. But, my heart can't get hot enough.
Many words have been bottled up in my heart, relative to the summer to say, the amount of gambling has not been said. Of course, also because I do not know how to say. I always feel that in recent times he is like the summer weather, suddenly wind and rain, cloudy and uncertain.
The other morning, I met Summer downstairs, and he looked at me as if he didn't even know me.
"Hi! Hi! Summer!" I greeted loudly with a rippling smile on my face.
Summer actually just nodded slightly and rewarded my enthusiasm with a grunt from her nostrils.
At that moment, I felt like a puppy wagging its tail and suddenly being kicked into a doorway by its owner for no apparent reason. I was so depressed, my mood was two hundred times worse than the black July weather. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with summer. I couldn't help but think of what my mom used to say when she complained about my always-serious, always-horse-faced dad - "No one ever borrowed your grain and gave it back to you in chaff!"
Summer,, you little psycho, what gives you the right to suddenly ignore me after the midterms?
If I remember correctly, Summer hasn't come to my house to play for almost half a month.
Summer, you're not a star or a celebrity, so what's your problem? You've always claimed to be a "manly man", but what kind of a man are you? What kind of man are you? I've turned myself into a "doggy" bun for some reason, and it's just not fun!
I'm getting a migraine from thinking about it, but I still don't understand why Summer has suddenly turned into such a heartless person. He's really changed, and it's very strange. However, if someone were to ask me what exactly has changed in him, I couldn't tell you. Anyway, I feel that she has changed, and it's weird and unpleasant!
From kindergarten to middle school, Summer and I hung out together, so much so that we almost confused our genders. He didn't think that other boys wouldn't fit in with the "girls" once they got to middle school, and I didn't have to keep a mysterious distance from the "boys" like my close female friends did.
Summer, but I feel like you've been avoiding me lately, haven't you? Why? I'm not practicing weightlifting or boxing. I'm not one of those tough, raw women who lift weights and box and wrestle and throw shot puts and discus throws! I've almost cracked my brain, which everyone else thinks is brilliant, and I still can't figure out what I've done to offend your "manly tofu" dignity?
Is it possible that I shouldn't have asked him about the exam?
The other day, I bumped into Summer in front of the neighborhood, and as always, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hi, Summer, did you do well on your exams?"
I really didn't mean anything by it, I was just asking in passing. Anyone can understand me, I can't relax with such an important exam. Even though it's been a week since the end of the exam block, I've been apprehensive, and I'm still sitting in the exam room in my sleep, either unable to read the paper or unable to answer any of the questions in a cold sweat. I wanted to talk to someone, maybe I'd feel a little more relaxed.
"I'm not sure if I did well or not, but it's just the way it is, so why do you worry so much? You women are just a pain in the ass! You've already passed the exam and you're still talking about it, aren't you sick of it? I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.
I didn't expect Summer to jerk my hand away and lash out at me in a vicious manner. I'd rather be deaf than believe I heard what he said. The blow hit me so hard that I couldn't find my way out of the room. I remained motionless for ten minutes or so. At that moment, I was as embarrassed as one of those particularly poorly written novels - "I wanted to go down a hole in the ground" - and as if I had become the dumbest of all the dumb penguins on the Antarctic continent.
Summer has never been mean to me as far as I can remember. Before that, I always thought he was very gentlemanly. The uncles, aunts, and grandparents upstairs and downstairs all praised him for his manners and for being a nice, gentle boy. If they knew how rude he was to me, he'd have a bad reputation.
"Don't pay any attention to him, he's sick and has taken the wrong medicine!
"I'm not going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it," he said. I don't want to vent my frustration this way, I'm sure there's only one way to go - head on the wall, liver and brain, death! But I don't want to die for nothing. Thankfully, I was able to stand up straight and not choke on his words!
When the summer figure disappeared in the depths of the building, I hold in the tears of anger and aggression, continue to poisonous woman like in the heart of the teeth cursing: "white eating retarded crazy eat wrong medicine mad cow disease outbreak ... ... "
This is always across my heart is like accidentally eating a green fly. I feel like I'm a complete and utter ingrate. I cursed and swore in my Blog:
Summer, I'll never care about you again, knowing that you've turned into a gray-haired old man!
I still wonder if Summer's "male menopause syndrome" has come early. A quarter of a century earlier than my dad, who just had a viral attack over forty-nine?
(2)
Today was the day I received my midterm report card.
I inquired about Summer's messed up test, and I really felt bad for him. I'm sure he's tugging at that miserable report card and has been sweating non-stop, right? The compact was indeed black for Summer, desperate as he must have been like a crow fluttering dazedly in the vast blackness of the night.
I took a detour home from school, fearing that I would meet up with Summer. I didn't know if I should offer him any comfort. In fact, I've been trying to laugh ever since I got my report card! I don't have anything to say against anyone who says I'm being petty. I just wanted to laugh, and, I did hide from my classmates to sneer. However, when I saw the dead gray expressions of those classmates who did as badly as Summer, I was too embarrassed to smile like a peach.
After three years of "blood" fighting, night and day suffering, I can finally stride into the proud school door of the fourth high school. As long as I endure three years of "inhuman torture" as always, what awaits me is surely an acceptance letter from Peking University, Tsinghua University or Fudan University.
Now I finally understand the summer's anomaly in recent times.
Summer's failure to get into the fourth high school was expected, because he never seemed to think about it, and it was only natural that he wouldn't be able to work towards his dream goal like I did. But he should have been able to get into a normal high school anyway, right? He's really shabby too! Why did he get such a low score? How could he even get into a vocational high school? I now know that he actually still cares about the examination, especially like this kind of adults called "can determine our future fate and future examination" he actually predicted the end of the examination, no wonder that day I mentioned the examination thing, he will not ask questions to be angry at me.
But I still think that even if the summer heart is as uncomfortable as crawling into a long caterpillar, he still has no reason to ignore me. I asked myself, what did I do wrong? Why should he be angry with me? Of course, I've completely forgiven him now, without any reason, and forgiveness is forgiveness anyway. However, I still have so many things in my heart that I want to say to him. I feel like I'm a little out of my element too, a perverse feeling that I don't think anyone can understand!
I don't dare to take the initiative to go to summer, I am afraid to run into his sharp "thorns" again.
Somehow, I suddenly feel sorry for Summer. I really wanted to comfort him and show him my heartfelt understanding. But I knew for sure he wouldn't want to accept sympathy from others.
But I would like to say that my sympathy for Summer is three hundred percent from the depths of my soul.
But who would believe that but me?
(3)
Joyful days aren't really very passable. Please, good people of the world, don't ever call me pretentious.
Would anyone like to hear how I'm doing these days? Aside from being happy, I'm just worried about summer. I can't help but wonder how I could waste such a dark vacation if I were him.
Mom and Dad let me have my way for the first time in my life. Summer was aware that I wasn't a particularly playful person. And my good friends and the few diehards have long been flying to the motherland of the north and south of the river, heaven and earth and people get away with it. My dad and mom are too busy catching up with their projects to accompany me out for a break. Moreover, they said that this is just one step in the long march, not worth celebrating. I'm confused! When it comes to demanding that I excel in my studies, they're like hyperthyroidism, with appetites the size of African elephants. It's hot as a sauna outside, and all I can do is stay home from morning to night, blowing the air-conditioner and thinking nonsense. I was on the internet, occasionally chatting with the Internet user who called himself Little Donkey.
"Little Donkey, you have to help me, I want to laugh but I dare not laugh! I want to cry but I don't know why I'm crying. help me!"
"Huh! Coffee Cat, isn't that a good idea? You start by laughing as hard as you can, preferably smirking your face off. Then, you cry as hard as you can at the top of your lungs until your tear ducts are paralyzed! Haha... Oooh..."
"No kidding, Little Donkey, I'm telling the truth! I'm not kidding, I'm solemnly giving you the SOS signal!"
"Coffee Cat, I'm telling the truth too, and I'm not kidding you either. Come on, don't make fun of me! You didn't know enough when you got into the fourth grade? You're not 'too fat to eat', are you?"
... ...
I'm bored and uninspired, and I don't think Little Donkey would understand!
I wanted to send Summer an "Emmy", but I didn't. I don't know why!
Opening my blog, I haven't written a word in days. At the moment, I was bored and typed out this sentence:
From then on, raindrops fell into the heart!
(4)
God's temper is very strange, the thunder and rainstorms spread all over the northern city, I feel the world is about to end, just standing in front of the window.
As you can imagine, my mood was unusually low, as if I had fallen into the world's lowest point - the Marianas Trench. Wanted to cry, just wanted to cry for no reason! Several times, I cloaked madwoman-like rushed to the window those crooked elm trees dying in the storm to cry. Cried enough, not a trace of strength, but feel the body relaxed, lethargic paralyzed on the bed, thoughts believe in the horse.
It's funny how I like to reminisce about the past when I'm not moving. Don't laugh at me, I think I've been through a lot! I've always thought that I'm a pretty profound person, and I also think that whether a person is profound or not has nothing to do with age.
I told my mom I wanted to write my own memoirs, and I wasn't kidding, I had a title in mind, "I Don't Know". Doesn't anyone think that's a "cool" title? Guess what my mom said? She says I'm "a teenager who doesn't know what it's like to be a teenager"! I'd like to raise three hands against her. How would my mom know what it's like? Although she is still a famous history expert, but in my opinion she can never study me as a living person. My mother said that I have been admitted to the fourth grade, my summer vacation she generously completely at my disposal, I fell asleep should wake up with a smile, why do I still have nothing to do with the full like nonsense?
The night before last I had a dream, and summer came back to me. As if we are still small, probably in the afternoon after school, we went into the "stars light" hutong, in the corner of the Sichuan people set up in front of the brine store stopped. Summer generously handed him 50 cents and said in a loud voice,
"Master, I want three duck feet palms, choose the bigger ones, okay?"
I followed behind Summer with my backpack, my eyes staring straight at the fragrant, golden, golden guy, just like a small beast that has seen its prey.
"Uh, two for you and one for me! Don't forget, it's your treat tomorrow!" Summer said.
We both stood on the street, nibbling away. I don't know what it was, but I laughed so hard I crouched down on the ground and couldn't get up.
"Don't tease, my stomach hurts from laughing. I can't eat anymore, the rest of this half duck feet palm belongs to you. I said.
Summer took the half of the duck's feet that I had gnawed so badly and devoured it.
"Ho, you're so retarded, I just had to make you laugh so hard you couldn't eat it! Fell for it again didn't you?"
Summer, you are so bad! I remember I was always falling for treacherous tricks like yours. Unfortunately, I was a bit retarded at that time, and I didn't know that the dictionary had the idiom of "learn from your mistakes and grow wiser". Otherwise, half a duck's foot would not have gotten into your stomach.
In order to find the traces of the dream, yesterday afternoon I risked the risk of being struck by thunder and lightning to go to a special trip to the Stars and Lights Hutong.
The dusty sign is still hanging on the trunk of the old elm tree at the entrance of the hutong. However, the green brick houses on both sides of the hutong have been demolished, everywhere is a mess of bricks and dirt, some people wearing yellow hats are building new buildings. The small store where the Sichuanese man set up is gone!
Somehow I suddenly felt heartbroken, like I had lost something important.
When I left the Stars and Lights Hutong, I looked back at the gnarled old elm tree, and tears inexplicably came to my eyes... ...
(5)
I feel like I'm suddenly getting a little old, because the book says only old people like to reminisce.
It's been a while now, and all those times Summer and I played together when I was a kid keep dangling in front of my eyes. Everything was so far away, and everything seemed like it happened yesterday.
We used to get into trouble for the smallest things, but after a while we were fine. We went to school and back home, shoulder-to-shoulder, through the star-lit alleyways as usual. We seemed to have no secrets in our hearts, and we didn't hide anything.
When I was in the sixth grade, my classmates loved to talk about who was "good" with whom.
One afternoon, we walked into the Stars and Stripes Hutong. After buying the duck feet as usual, we were enjoying ourselves while chatting and laughing.
Summer suddenly asked me mysteriously, "Do you like that boy in our class?"
I found the question amusing and smiled as I asked back, "Tell me first, which girl in our class do you like best?"
"You guess."
We pretty much walked around Teachers College in circles. I asked all the names of the girls in my class, and couldn't think of anyone else before I came to a realization and suddenly said excitedly, "So it's me?"
Summer blurted out, saying "How did you know? You're so smart!"
Afterward, did I tell that I liked that one boy, I can't remember now.
I still blush when I think of what I said at that time. But we didn't feel embarrassed at that time! I think it is really strange, now we are all grown up, even if we play together do not want to be as casual as before, stay together to talk about anything feel quite boring, so we have to play checkers, or play video games and so on. And, after junior high school summer obsessed with playing soccer, almost every afternoon after school to go to the teacher's college to play a while, we rarely go home together.
Maybe it's better not to grow up!
(6)
While we were eating lunch, my mom told me that the Summer family was coming to our house for the evening. I couldn't hide my surprise.
Throughout the afternoon, I ran through several supermarkets in the neighborhood and searched all the snack stores around. The effort was not enough! I finally bought the duck feet palm that we used to must nibble every day. I was salivating, but I held strong and didn't spare a single one. I imagined Summer's surprise when he saw a plate full of duck feet, he would look up at me and smile. I think I was the only one who understood the depth of meaning in his smile.
When I was looking for duck feet all over the world, my mom was puzzled. She said, "I've never seen a greedy girl like you."
Hey, how would a mom understand that feeling?
I think Summer will be in a different mood when he eats the duck feet feet I bought especially for him. He can't keep thinking about the exam, I will do everything to help him as long as he wants. As the "star of wisdom" in the eyes of his classmates, he can get good grades if he puts a little bit of thought into his studies.
Waiting.
Wait... ...
Never had time felt so long! I kept looking at my watch, I kept looking at the clock, and I kept pulling back the curtains, searching for Summer's familiar figure in that open space in front of the building, my heart beating faster with every turnip of footsteps ringing in the hallway. What's wrong with me? I couldn't quite understand this feeling myself, I felt a bit unlike myself.
Summer would have died if he knew I was acting so irrationally. I'll let him have it for now, since he's in an "extraordinary situation"!
However.... ... However... ... However... ... I'm surprised Summer didn't follow his mom and dad to my house!
His mom said he's busy right now, he's out taking cram classes to prepare for next year.
I was happy for Summer! It seems he's not as depressed as I thought, I thought he must be in pain right now! It seems that I just had wishful thinking that I knew him well, when in fact I was fooled by my own feelings.
I was so disappointed that my heart sank like a huge lead balloon. Looking at the plate full of duck feet palms, I did not have the slightest appetite. My eyes were actually moist. I found a flawed excuse to leave the table, leaving all the time and space for these four adults who had an extraordinary relationship.
I also found a grand-sounding excuse to walk out the door pretending as if nothing had happened.
At the moment, the neighborhood was unusually quiet. I was empty inside, and that indefinable feeling of loneliness wrapped tightly around me. I wanted to cry, I just wanted to cry. However, I still can't cry, always feel suffocated in my heart. I now realize that intense study may not be a good thing, as I now do not have a pile of homework without the pressure of study, the guy called "emptiness" will take the opportunity to catch me. I wanted to get rid of it, but I couldn't.
I even began to envy the busyness of summer.
I was distracted as I walked into the star lit alley.
The old elm tree was still standing alone at the entrance of the hutong, perhaps it was the only one who remembered the time Summer and I spent in the hutong when we were kids. The opposite side of the hutong has newly set up a lot of snack stores, Xinjiang's roast lamb kebabs, Sichuan's spicy hot pot ... ... Oh, my God! That Sichuanese road duck feet paw stall has been set up again!
I stood before him with mixed feelings.
I surprisingly wanted to say something to him like I was seeing an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time.
"Little sister, how about a couple of duck feet palms? It smells delicious!"
Obviously, he didn't recognize me. I was about to turn away when I suddenly heard a very familiar voice: "Want some duck feet feet?"
"No, I want spicy hot pot!" A petite girl said in a whiny voice.
It was Summer! How could it be him? Why is he here too? Didn't he go to cram school?
Summer was hanging out with a girl with dyed red hair on her arm .
I darted into the star-lit alley, and I felt like I was going to float.
I couldn't believe that the scene I had just seen was real.
I was inexplicably in tears.
(7)
I, who was never much of a Jay Chou fan, am now particularly enamored of his "East Breaks".
I am convinced that Jay and I have a heart to heart, and every lyric sings the sorrow I have buried deep in my heart--
Who is playing on the lute, a song of the East is broken,
Age peeled off the wall to see the childhood.
Just remember that year we were all very young... ...
(8)
It's October again, and the ginkgo trees are red all over the campus of the fourth grade.
For the Tsinghua University of my dream, I locked those unknown feelings in summer into my diary.
On weekends, I occasionally caught a hasty glimpse of Summer in the hallway, and we both politely smiled slightly and walked away without saying anything.
Occasionally I think of the three-way intersection across the alleyway from the Starlight.
Summer, from now on, we are destined to run on different roads.
Where will I go in three years?
And you?