1
As my marriage enters its seventh year, I have been living in separate rooms with him for more than three years. For countless late nights, I shut him out. I saw him standing naked at the door of my bedroom with the quilt in his arms, eyes lowered but unable to speak, like a child who had made a mistake. I felt sympathy for him at the beginning and then took it for granted.
He is also sensible and would tell me at the beginning: Qing'er, you can't do this to me. There are some things that we must do between husband and wife. I stood up, stared at him hard, then slammed the door and locked it from the inside. After a few times, he failed in this matter. Only once at the dinner table, while watching me drink two bowls of black chicken soup that he made, he muttered: "You have a bad heart, can you please don't lock the bedroom door at night, so that I can take care of you in case of an emergency."
When I heard him say this, it was a sunny March afternoon. The sun shone warmly in our three-bedroom apartment, and thousands of dust particles danced in the beam. He decorated it in a pastoral style that I like, and the photo wall in the living room is filled with photos he took of my daughter and I when he traveled to various places. There is only one photo of me, him, and my daughter in the photo studio. I smiled implicitly and he smiled sweetly. There are flowers and green plants in the corners and balconies. The plants have just been sprayed with water, and the water droplets linger on the thick leaves, unwilling to fall. You can hear the sounds of children running and old people talking downstairs in the community. The warm breeze brings a burst of lilac fragrance into the room, and everything looks like it has been quiet for a long time.
At that moment, somewhere in my heart felt slightly relaxed, with warmth and sourness. It quickly returned to its former solidity and coldness. I can't tolerate him in my heart. A man who has been with me for seven years has given me a stable and leisurely life and is legally my lover. I said to myself, I don't love him, and a marriage without love is immoral. Leaving him is for mutual fulfillment and for his future plans.
He didn't speak, and silently took out a second bowl of soup, carefully skimmed off the oil, then sprinkled it with chopped green onion and coriander, and placed it in front of me.
Looking at the bowl of soup that was still warm, I told myself again that I must not be soft-hearted. The man I love is not him. On the other side of this city, Lin is still waiting for me. I can't live up to my love with Lin.
2
Ten years ago, Lin was my first love who I loved to death. It is said that men are animals that think with their lower body. Lin and I have been in a relationship for five years, but we are no match for the big breasts and fat butt of a strange girl. Lin later cheated on me and fell in love with a girl who was younger and more beautiful than me, and then disappeared from my world without a trace.
Because of this, I lost weight and suffered from insomnia and almost suffered from depression. During this period, he came close to my life. She silently took care of me when I was alone in this city, accompanied me to the hospital, urged me to take medicine on time, took me hiking in the mountains, and brought gifts to everyone in my family when I came back from a business trip.
In the summer evening, under the blue velvet sky, the Ferris wheel moved slowly. I sat on the carousel in the park and temporarily forgot all the gloom. My legs were stretched long, my long hair was flowing, and my head was slightly tilted. Raise your head and let the oncoming wind blow over your face. The hurt Lin had caused me seemed to be fading away.
I looked at him standing in the halo of light, busy looking for various angles to take pictures of me. The soft light coated his whole body with a layer of gold, and there were glistening beads of sweat on the bridge of his nose and forehead. , with a tall body like a god in ancient Greek mythology. At that moment, I, who had always been indifferent and aloof towards him, suddenly liked him a little bit.
Not long after, I agreed to officially be his girlfriend. He was overwhelmed with joy and sent me flowers and chocolates every day for a week. He didn’t stop until I pretended to be sulky.
At this point, it was less than three months since Lin and I broke up.
After seven years of marriage, he changed from a big boy who couldn’t even wash his socks to a warm man who came home from work on time, put on an apron, washed his hands and made soup. He said that the fumes from cooking are the most harmful to women. Skin; every anniversary or Valentine's Day, he would carefully prepare gifts in advance to surprise me, such as flowers, watches, candlelight dinners, and trips; I would take a second look at the expensive new cashmere coats and leather bags in the shop window. He would use half of his monthly salary to quietly buy it and hang it in the closet...
However, a woman's psychology in love is the most elusive. Many times, including myself, I don't understand why. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard I convinced myself. My heart towards him is like a thousand-year-old iceberg that cannot be warmed no matter what. I don’t like the smell of his body, the pace of his walking, his fingers, his skin, his voice...
When my daughter was two years old, she couldn’t stand his thunderous snoring and breathing. I moved him to the second bedroom on the grounds that it was convenient to take care of my daughter. Then the scene at the beginning appeared...
In my opinion, my marriage to him was like a prison with high walls. The smoke of fireworks was so strong that it made people sleepy, and the days were so quiet that they almost suffocated. . I'm looking for the long-lost intense emotion, but he can't give it to me.
A woman in the wall of marriage is like a trapped beast waiting for an opportunity, always eager to escape.
He has been trying to keep me warm with the constant temperature of marriage. While I felt at ease in the softness of marriage and accepted all the good things he did to me, I also longed for the wonderful world outside the wall. Tell yourself unscrupulously that you don't love him, and you will never fall in love with him before, now, and in the future.
In my late night dreams, I would repeatedly travel across mountains and rivers to find someone, a once-familiar face. In the dream I shouted over and over again, searching hard and feeling anxious.
The vague outline looks like a forest.
3
At the class reunion three years ago, I met Lin, the man who abandoned me. I heard that he married the woman with a coquettish physique back then, but they divorced a few years later. He has been single for several years, raising his children alone, and his situation is bleak. Looking from a distance through the noisy crowd, Lin was sitting in the corner silently drinking one cup after another. His profile was burdened by the life of a middle-aged man, gloomy and haggard. He was no longer the same white shirt and blue trousers sitting on a high hill. The boy who sang for me.
I have been planning for years to retaliate for schadenfreude. When I stood in front of Lin, Lin raised his head and faced each other, looking into those deep eyes that I had been so obsessed with. Collapse. Overflowing sourness suddenly surged from my heart to my throat, and I choked with sobs, not knowing what to say to Lin.
The world became quiet, and a long-lasting package in my heart slowly opened and loosened. The dust was shaken off in the passing years but has been kept intact. The memories over the years are like a flood. When I opened it, I burst into tears.
Since the breakup, I have only been able to see his back in my dreams for many years, and I have worked so hard to find the man in my dreams. Now he is really in front of me. You can see it, you can touch it, you can smell it.
Lin and I drank a lot that night. Telling each other about the ups and downs and sorrows of the past ten years, Lin cried like a child. The secret emotions in my heart were released violently in this night and alcohol.
The other man was worried that it would not be safe for me to go home at night, so he drove outside and waited for me until late at night.
Unable to withstand Lin’s confession and confession, I quickly surrendered. Lin and I re-entered a vigorous love relationship, completely forgetting that I still had him and my daughter.
Soon after my tryst with Lin Fenpin, I began to negotiate with him again and again on the serious topic of divorce. Every time, he changed the subject to another topic.
He didn’t dare to face it. He wanted to hold me back and prevent me from pursuing my own happiness. I thought to myself, hating him with itch.
Lin started to push me harder and harder. He said that I was not respecting him for not being able to get divorced. Being single and being with a married woman was a humiliation to him. He said that I was cheating and toying with him. emotion.
Being caught between two men and undergoing moral judgment, I began to have insomnia night after night. The flowers of the past have withered and drooped.
He said he wanted to take me to the doctor, but I ignored him. He asked his friends to buy precious tonics and put them on my bedside.
4
In the frequent conflicts with Lin about my divorce, my body and soul can no longer live in harmony. Another night of anxiety and insomnia. I lay in bed sighing and crying because of the loss of sleep. I simply got up and walked around the house.
His thunderous snoring could be heard clearly even when I was sitting in the living room. I hate him and dislike everything about him. Opening the curtains on the balcony, the moonlight filled the room. The world is so beautiful, but I am suffering and crying. I want to break free from the prison of marriage and pursue my love. I screamed in pain in my heart.
I don’t know when, he came to me. I heard his sigh so clearly in the darkness. He asked me to change my clothes and took me to the psychiatric department of the hospital overnight. I roared at him: You would rather drive me crazy than give me freedom. Marriage with you is hell to me. I am still young and my life is still very long. I don’t want to be in a dead-water marriage with you. In the midst of suffering, I want to correct the mistakes I made back then.
He was silent for a long time after hearing this, and I couldn’t see the expression on his face clearly in the darkness. If it were during the day, in a place with light, I wouldn't be able to bear or dare to say these words. Because I myself doubt the authenticity of what I just said, I dare not accept the moral judgment.
When daybreak was about to dawn, it started to rain lightly outside the window, and the smell of earth mixed with the warm and ambiguity unique to spring. I went downstairs and took a walk along the community. The magnolia petals that were still fluttering on the branches yesterday were carried into the mud by the east wind and night rain, making them dirty.
I took out my phone and wanted to send a message to Lin, but I received feedback that Lin had deleted his WeChat account again and called to turn it off. I can’t remember how many times this happened. I smiled bitterly: Lin was always so willful to me, and I was always unconditionally tolerant of Lin. Lin treats me very much like I treat him.
When I came back from downstairs, the pancakes, spicy cabbage, and red dates and millet porridge that he had just spread were already placed on the dining table. They are all my favorites. The smell of fireworks made my anxious heart feel a little calmer. He was combing his daughter's braid, his hands clumsily running through his daughter's smooth hair over and over again. He was sitting in the morning light, with a faint halo surrounding him. I suddenly remembered the dusk when I sat on the merry-go-round many years ago, with tears streaming down my face...
He turned around and saw my eyes filled with tears. He looked like he was crying, and he was so panicked that he didn't know what to do.
5
He drove me to work as usual, told me to take my medicine on time, and took out two pieces of white paper with words printed on it and handed them to me. I took it and looked at it, it was a divorce agreement.
After seeing how painful you were during this period, I decided to help you and give you the freedom you want. In fact, isn’t our life like this very good? You just love to dream too much. If you feel angry outside, remember to come back. My daughter and I will always be waiting for you at home...
The dusty raindrops hit the car window one by one, hitting my heart.
When I came out of the Civil Affairs Bureau, my whole body felt as if the bones and blood that supported me as a human being had been drained away. He drove slowly and followed me, asking me where he wanted to drop me off. I growled at him and told him to get lost.
The rain has stopped, and I sit on a bench by the roadside. When the east wind blows, the cherry blossoms on the branches are shaking like snow. It falls on the heads and shoulders of passers-by and turns into spring mud on the ground. Yes, I finally got my wish, broke away from the prison of marriage with him, and got the freedom I dreamed of. I can pursue and enjoy love with Lin equally. But at this moment, why am I so lost?
Without any worries, I opened the bedroom closet where I had lived for seven years. The closet filled with clothes of all colors smelled faintly of camphor. I knew that he had put them in carefully. When I touched that burgundy cashmere coat, something in my heart was slightly touched. I took out the clothes from the closet one by one and put them in the suitcase. He stood behind me in silence for a long time, smoking one cigarette after another, and finally said lightly: If you are wronged outside, remember that your home is here.
The once exquisite wardrobe was empty, leaving only the burgundy coat alone in the wardrobe that he had taken care of to make it fresh and charmless.
6
Six months after leaving him, I, as delicate and beautiful as a flower, began to wither.
Faced with Lin Chaoxi, who was deeply in love with her, Lin revealed his true colors in just a few months, cheating, committing violence, and deceiving. Like a rose in full bloom sinking into deep mud, I began to suffer from insomnia every night. I couldn't taste the food I ate, and even a lot of sleeping pills couldn't regain my lost sleep. The torture of waking up every night until dawn put me on the verge of a mental breakdown. If my marriage to him was a pool of stagnant water, then the so-called love with Lin was simply filthy mud. I was desperate at the beginning, but now besides a heart full of holes and a broken body, what else do I have? Thinking of him, my daughter, and that warm and bright home, I have no shame in going back. Every day I felt anxious and panicked about the impending doomsday, and thought about death countless times...
On this day, I drank two sleeping pills as usual, enduring the severe headache and anxious heart. , lie down and wait quietly for sleep to come. I am too tired, but I just can't let myself stop and leave this malicious world.
My heart is racing so fast that it cannot stop, and no matter how much I modify my body, it is useless.
In the quiet afternoon, the footsteps of passers-by downstairs stepped into my heart one after another, which was very clear. I felt that my heart was beating slower and slower, and I gradually felt that the strength of my body was being taken away little by little. , only a body was left, and another world seemed to be waving to me...
When I woke up again, I was lying on the big white bed in the hospital, and the world was quiet and pure. His haggard face came into my eyes, and I couldn't look into these simple and sincere eyes like diamonds. I closed my eyes, big tears rolling down the corners of my eyes. I heard him calling for doctors and nurses anxiously... He took care of me silently, still doting on me as a child as before, for fear that I would bump into him.
Standing in the autumn sunshine, I began to rethink my relationship with him and the meaning of love and marriage.
? On a spring afternoon with flowers in bloom and fragrant wind overflowing, I returned to the same home as him. Opening the closet again, the burgundy coat hung there safely. It had been carefully cared for and ironed by him, and wrapped in a transparent film. The color was still as bright as before. On windy days, it is always waiting to protect me from the cold.
His affection has been betrayed time and time again, but he still waits where he is, holding on to the simplest belief in marriage.
And I, amid the swords and swords of the years, my wandering heart finally settled down and no longer wandered.
I turned around and saw that he was busy in the kitchen. Amid the aroma of fireworks, his tall body was real and beautiful.
The afternoon light turned him into a beautiful statue.