Jokes
7-year-old niece had to take a bath with me, while washing also said: "aunt, why are your breasts so small?"
I sweat wildly: "Which small, how small!"
The little niece pitifully looked at me and consoled: "It's okay, mine is also very small ~"
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A buddy of mine (Dr. Tsinghua) took the plane to Hong Kong.
Just sat down, suddenly realized that sitting next to him is actually Jay Chou!
After a half a day of looking around, I was embarrassed to see Jay Chou, so I said, "Hello, I'm Jay Chou, do you want my autograph?"
The old man was furious, and angrily replied, "I'm a doctor at Tsinghua University, do you want my autograph?!"
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Chinese students in a foreign highway accident, even people with the car flipped off the cliff, the traffic police rushed to the downward shouted:
"How are you?"
The foreign students replied:" I'm fine, thank you!"
Then the traffic police left and the international student died.
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Between 3-10 million annual income - buy a house outside the second ring road wherever you like;
Between 1-3 million annual income - buy a house outside the third ring road wherever you like;
Between 1-3 million annual income - buy a house outside the third ring road wherever you like. p> Between 8-15 million dollars of annual income - the sixth ring road outside the house to buy wherever you want to buy;
Annual income of less than 30,000 dollars - their own dig a pit to bury wherever you want to bury!
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Accompanying a friend to play to meet a netizen,
Almost to the time,
friend pointed not far from a strange ugly girl to the driver and said:
"See that woman?"
"See, stop there?"
"No, run her over!!!"
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My classmate's girlfriend has outstanding posture and a lot of suitors, causing him a headache.
One day, his girlfriend and received a medical school senior pursuit, my classmates know that the visitor is not good, probing: "Then how do you attitude?"
The girlfriend replied, "I didn't even think about it, I just rejected him!"
My classmates were y relieved, and asked: "How did he ask you out?"
My girlfriend replied, "He asked me if I wanted to watch a dead body together!"
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One day my classmates (MM) went to the bank to get money, thinking that there are still a few dozen dollars inside simply take it out, so the bank desk MM very loud and very NB said: "Take out all the money inside!"
The bank's MM swiped the card, and then looked up and said to the loudspeaker, "There's only one dollar and fifty cents in there, do you want to take it all out?"
At that time, there were a lot of people behind the queue ......
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The last semester of college, with a male classmate in a laboratory to do graduation design.
This is a typical technical guy, with strong skills and superb RP, but he is very quiet and doesn't talk to girls.
One day, I wrote my thesis to 12 o'clock at night before I remembered to come back to the dormitory, walked to the stairway, found that the lights have long been out, the hallway in the dark, quiet to death, that's called a KB!
There is no way to go back to the laboratory, to see that the man is still buried in the paper, and then asked him to accompany me down, I was very quick to agree.
When I got to the stairway, he said, "Come on, give me your hand!"
At that time, I was so touched, how warm-hearted good classmates, how gentlemanly good man!
I'm not sure if he's my future husband, but I'm sure he's the one who's going to make it.
So I stretched out those warm little hands ......
He grabbed my hand, and then gently put it on the staircase handrail and said: "Don't be afraid, you can walk down by yourself holding this ...... "
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Elementary school fifth grade a night self-study, everyone is very disciplined, the classroom is silent.
Suddenly, the homeroom teacher appeared angrily and roared, "Who moved the desk so loudly just now?"
We were all confused and looked at each other in disbelief, because no one had ever moved a desk.
The class teacher saw us silent, more angry: "Do you know the whole school teachers are meeting below? You are actually here to make a fuss, my face are disgraced to you all! "
(Note: Underneath our classroom happens to be the teaching office.)
Silence N a long time, in the class teacher's anger more blazing, a boy suddenly realized, shouted out, "We did not move the table, that is XX put a fart!"
The teacher was stunned for a long time, trembling and whispering: "Fart that loud?"
The class unanimously shouted excitedly, "Yes!"
After shouting, everyone came back to their senses, and then burst into laughter!
Khan ~~~~~ real story, the boy has been called "cannonball" by us.
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At the temple, the shaved head and the hot soup seller quarreled.
The head shaving master shaved his head and scolded: you sell a JB Hu spicy soup, cattle B well ah?
The seller of hot pepper soup was not convinced, and scolded back: you shave a JB head, you cow B well ah!
So, the customer who was getting a haircut stood up and kicked the pot of hot soup!
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My daughter went to a boarding school and gave me a potted plant and tropical fish.
When she called a week later, I told her the potted plant had died.
After a while, I told her that the tropical fish had also died.
She was silent for a while and asked, "So how's Dad?"
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Ming's dad said to Ming, "If you're good today, dad will take you to the fair, to see other people eat candy.
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I: May I ask if you are the legendary Princess Iron Fan?
Woman: what makes you say that?
I: Because...because...because I think your looks are only matched by the Bull Demon King!
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A customs officer stops a traveler and asks if he is carrying a declarable item.
"No." The traveler replies.
"Are you sure you don't have it?"
"Of course."
"Then what's with this elephant behind you with slices of bread in his ears?"
"Sir, what I put in my sandwich is entirely my own business!"
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During their thirteen weeks of basic training, recruits sleep on the hard ground and eat military rations, so as soon as their training is over, they are eager to get home so they can sleep on clean mattresses and eat their mothers' food.
The day he arrived home, he was greeted by his family.
His mother was even more excited, saying, "We're ready to go camping as a family to celebrate you!
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Customer: "Waiter, can you explain what's going on with the fly in my soup?"
The waiter bends down to take a closer look and replies, "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming."
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There was a building with four floors, and on each floor lived a weirdo,
The first one liked to eat gherkins, the second one liked to color his room green, the third one liked to pee on the balcony, and the fourth one liked to juggle with a big knife.
One day the fourth floor of the juggling big knife accidentally knife fell down, just as the third floor of the third floor to pee, the result cut off, fell to the second floor, was dyed green, fell to the first floor, and finally eaten as a small cucumber.
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One day Xiao Ming came to his future mother-in-law's home as a guest, mother-in-law: you casually sit Oh!
This is the first time I've ever seen a woman in the world with a baby!
Then he went into the kitchen and got busy, and all that was left in the living room was a nervous Ming and his mother-in-law's dog, Xiaobai
Suddenly, Ming realized that he had a sharp pain in his stomach, and he thought to himself: "I can't do it! I must hold it in!
But he couldn't hold it in~~poof~~he let out an invincibly stinky loud fart,
He thought to himself, "This is a dead end~~I'm sure I'll be kicked out of here." He didn't realize that his mother-in-law had just yelled out, "Xiaobai!
Xiaoming was relieved to have Xiaobai as my scapegoat, and then he couldn't help but let out a second fart, and his mother-in-law still shouted "Xiaobai"
When he let out a third fart, he saw his mother-in-law rushing out to scold him, saying: "Xiaobai"! You're going to wait until you're stank to death before you run, aren't you!
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Mobile boss on the public toilet, the gatekeeper said: into 30 cents, out of 20 cents! The first thing you need to do is to get the money to pay for it. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new one, and you'll be able to do that. The first thing you need to do is to get a good deal of money to pay for the services of the company. There is background music in the toilet, and the colorful ringtone fee is 20 cents. If you are a frequent visitor, I urge you to do a toilet package is more cost-effective. The old boss was furious: "Where is this king's law?!" The first thing you need to do is to get your hands dirty.
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Old, but classic
One day Xiaoming hand with a plaster cast, the teacher asked: what happened to your hand Xiaoming said: broke the teacher said: why?
Xiaoming said: because I am too lazy teacher said: too lazy hand will break?
Xiaoming said: I was walking on the road, shoes ran into a stone, but I'm too lazy to get my hands on it, just hold the pole shaking his feet to let the stone fall out, passers-by saw that I thought I was electrocuted to hit my hand with a stick so ......
Teacher: ... ...
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pol.ice caught a man stealing lobster at the beach, ready to be fined according to the law to punish ...
Man: What did you say? What law am I breaking?
These two lobsters are my pets, I was taking them out for a walk!
pol.ice: lazy to listen to you in the nonsense!
Man: Really, my lord!
They love to swim in the sea, and when I whistle, they come back!
pol.ice: I'll have to see about that...
pol.ice: Well, I'll see how you call your pet lobster back.
man: lobster? What lobster?
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A dude drove as fast as he could to the dock because he had to catch a boat.
When he drove to the marina, he saw that the boat had already left the shore . He locked the car door and immediately jumped on the boat as fast as he could run 100 meters, the whole action was done in one go without any pause.
His action scared the whole boat.
The captain of the ship was very strange and said: sir ...... The ship has not docked yet ......
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Q: Why does the doctor have to wear a mask when he operates?
A: Afraid of being recognized after an accident.
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Taiwanese businessmen doing business in China like to run sound and color venues every night because their families are in Taiwan.
One day he was caught by a public security expert and his Taiwan compatriot card was stamped with the word "lecher".
He was so upset that he spent some money through his connections to get the word removed.
After a week, his friend told him it was done.
He thought, "There is nothing you can't do with money.
He received the Taiwan compatriot certificate and opened it, which was stamped with three big words: "Not an obscenity".
Later, he tried to get rid of these three words through more powerful people, because he felt that these three words are still not elegant, so this time he explained that he had to solve this problem.
Because next month he will return to Taiwan ......
The friend also repeatedly assured him that there will be no problem, but the etiquette can never be less.
After another week, his friend came to him and told him: this time it's really done!
He rushed to take the Taiwan compatriot card to take a look, it reads: Africa Succubus
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In elementary school, the class wrote some book titles on paper, and then stacked the paper into airplanes, which flew around the classroom.
Unfortunately, one of the paper airplanes was picked up by the homeroom teacher, who opened it up and read, "Breast Care."
The class teacher was furious, and began to investigate the source of the paper airplane, and let the students one by one on the handwriting, to see who actually wrote it.
The result of the investigation was that the class teacher decided that A wrote it.
But A refused to admit it because it really wasn't him.
After school, A was detained, and at 7 o'clock, after the teacher repeatedly coerced, A couldn't bear it.
He said to the teacher, "Teacher, I really didn't write the words on that piece of paper, I wrote 'The Complete Book of Sexual Knowledge'."
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The next class everyone is walking outside, suddenly heard behind a buddy sighed: "Today and white belt ......"
The crowd stunned!
Two seconds later, I heard another word: "Umbrella!"
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A driver drove over an old man, the driver panicked and stretched out his head to see what was going on, and the old man was shocked to see it.
The dying man said, "Man, you still want to back up the car not."
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One day, in flight.
A security officer looked at a traveler opening his cell phone, and immediately walked over and said seriously, "Don't jerk off on your cell phone!"
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One day in the Oriental Plaza about the netizen MM meet, do not want to show too much earth, about the Starbucks.
When waiting for MM, I felt it was inappropriate not to buy something,
so I went to the counter to order coffee.
The waiter asked: "What do you want to order?". .
I didn't bring my glasses with me that day, and the lights in the cafe were dim, so I tried to look at the price tag, but I couldn't see ......
and said, "I can't see it clearly!".
Waiter: "Okay, cappuccino!"
So I drank my first Cappuccino at Starbucks ......
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The manager of a company told his secretary to forward an official document to the boss: "Report boss, there is a batch of orders from Europe next month. company needs to take someone to a meeting with them."
The boss in the back of the document short signed: "Go a head".
After receiving the letter, the manager immediately instructed his subordinates to buy a plane and prepare the itinerary, while he himself was organizing his luggage.
On the day of his departure, he was stopped by his secretary.
Secretary: "What are you doing?"
Manager: "To Europe for a meeting ah!"
Secretary: "The boss has agreed?"
Manager: "Didn't the boss say Go a head to me?"
Secretary: "Come to the company for so long, don't you know the boss's English level?
What the boss meant was Go a head! "
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A certain brother likes to eat fish.
Walmart's perch 9 dollars a pound, if the dead put on ice on 7 dollars two, as fresh. A brother from work, they rushed to buy, or often bought away, a brother stood in front of the tank and so ah, sometimes half a day is not dead one.
A brother will use the net to fish, with the handle to knock the head of the fish.
The waiter could not stand to watch, and came over to the brother and said: "Sir, the fainting does not count ......"
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A pirated version of the windows CD-ROM reads: "We have already paid for the genuine version during the Qing Dynasty, so no activation is required, please feel free to use it!"
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After the results of the college entrance exams came out, the teacher took a long breath and said to the even: "In fact, did not get in, for you and ** university are a kind of happiness ~"
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A buddy is not good at studying, but people just like to The first thing you need to do is to take up a seat, and of course, sometimes you have to do it under the coercion and lure of certain pig-headed girls.
A time, in the use of every book in the bag, hate to toilet paper, the results of half a row did not account for, looking at the people more and more, the buddy anxious ~ suddenly he had an idea, take off the headphone cable, and then straighten the desktop ......
Another time, the guy came empty-handed, even thought: today finally can not account for it.
On another occasion, this guy came in empty-handed, and I thought to myself, "I'm not going to be able to take advantage of this today.
The result is that the guy smiled and pulled out a pair of poker ......
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A, B, C and three people together on a trip, a cold ......
night, we all sleep in the same bed, A sleep in the middle.
At night, we all share the same bed, and A sleeps in the middle.
In the middle of the night...A sneezes, and the whole face of B and C is covered with A's crystals.
B and C: Next time, let us know ......
After half an hour, A: Pay attention...
B and C heard this and hurriedly burrowed into the quilt and made sure there was no connection with the outside world...
As a result, A let out a A fart.