"In contempt of a woman, there is no delay with a scholar! The first is that the woman's love for the woman is not a problem, but a problem for her. The woman's delay is unspeakable."
Recently, unconsciously, I can recite this line from the Book of Songs.
In the middle school years, the first time I read it, ignorant and clear as a pot of tea, because of the lack of personal emotional experience, the understanding of its experience, since it is not deep, is not through. Until the time Ran Ran, the years are long, green years gradually replaced by bitter time, their own bitter emotional trauma, forced me to seriously examine the poem, and only then really read it sighed out of the heavy and helpless.
Across the millennium after the flow of light **** Ming, so I clearly realize that even if things change, things change, as long as love does not die, many women's encounters, from ancient times to the present day, how similar, and even the version is similar, just a change of space and time background.
In the present life, there are more than enough, sad and love-stricken women. They are in the feelings, fear and trembling, walking on thin ice, and beg for perfection; even if the heart is clear as a mirror, the love is not a person, that he is not suitable, do not care and do not belong to their own, but they just can not let go of, can not let go of the dead, and even become more needy, and more and more need of him. So, caught in the whirlpool of grief and emptiness, drowning themselves, degeneration of life, long time not free.
I sympathize with, and understand these women, because once upon a time, I belonged to one of them.
I sympathize with these women and understand them, because once upon a time, I was one of them. However, it is also because of the pain that I have experienced, such as the pain of ants, that I started to study myself and explore myself, in order to find a way to salvation.
I used to think that this kind of complaint woman, the reason why it will be like obsessed with poppies in general, obsessed with a "very bad" man, must be because of the depth of love, the love of the cut. But now it is clear that the root cause of that obsession, in fact, may not be love, but a kind of fear.
Their hearts are full of fear, fear of loneliness, fear of being unlovable and unworthy of love, fear of being neglected, abandoned or destroyed. They desperately give love in the hope that the person they are infatuated with will remove their fear, yet that fear becomes deeper and deeper, and so they give love more and more until giving love in order to be loved becomes the driving force of their lives.
Once the man who made them obsessed with giving left, and the object of getting their own sense of being through giving disappeared, their world came crashing down. The more they work harder to pay, the more they do not get love, the more they do not get love, the more they love more strongly. In this way, the vicious circle.
This kind of hopeless struggle is named "love", in fact, it is no longer love, love once turned into a suffering and burden, it is really no longer love.
Have you ever noticed such a phenomenon? Some of the little girls who lack parental care, they tend to be particularly fond of dolls. After failing in their attempts to attract parental attention, they will turn their attention to the dolls, play with them, brush their hair, and even talk to them, rocking and comforting those dolls. Just like little Meggie in The Thorn Birds whose mother is very cold. In fact, in a way, these little girls feel like that rag doll, and they are getting the parental affection they need in a roundabout way.
These little girls, when they grow up, become obsessive, resentful women, transferring the love they felt for their dolls as children to that "him".
American psychotherapist Robin Norwood calls this type of woman, "a woman who is not a woman, but a woman who is not a woman. Norwood calls these women "women who love too much".
These miserable women, most of whom have experienced severe childhood trauma, grew up in families full of insecurity, parental tension, the absence of the role of the father, both parents are trapped in the pain of the self can not be extricated, to give the child very little real love.
When these girls grow up, they will always try to compensate for this unmet need in their early years by actively giving love, by desperately needing to recreate the hostile environments of their childhood, by continuing to fight to win love from those who can't give it, by re-experiencing and re-experiencing unfortunate relationships, by trying to make them controllable, in order to conquer the unfortunate.
These women, who desperately want to be needed and are very sacrificial, are often attracted to men who need others to take responsibility for them or who are extremely selfish. Because the closest thing to being loved is being needed, a man who appears to need her is actually giving her love. He doesn't have to be a kind man, or someone who gives to her or cares for her. Just the fact that he is needy is enough to evoke within her that familiar feeling from the past and provoke her to give love in response.
When I pulled out and dived into the deepest depths of my own psyche, objectively examined myself, and did my own audience, and only then realized that, in my own failed relationship experience, the girl with the spirit of sacrifice, lived so humble and so hard, this time, I really want to hug her, and hug all of them, like me, who die to give but do not have love. I'm not going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it.
The fallacy of life is that the more you lack something, the more you care, the more you desire something, the more you desire something, but often the more you can't get anything.
A love that is out of balance, like a dance that is not coordinated, is destined to end up in the end.
But when such a woman tries to get out of the relationship, it feels as if thousands of volts of painful energy are rushing through her nerves and spilling out at the end of the severed nerve. A deep emptiness rushes in, swirls around her, and sucks her into the still-vivid childhood fear of loneliness, an agony she is sure she will drown in.
They have been trying to overcome the fear, anger, frustration, and pain left over from their childhood with a self-sacrificing spirit of desperate love, and for them to withdraw would mean giving up an opportunity to seek relief and redress for what has been wronged.
Thus, to lose love is to fall into hell.
This kind of feeling like falling into hell, I have personally experienced, Chinese born, I also know, the literary world of the very talented women, a lifetime of feelings of displacement, no branch to rely on, they are more experienced, such as Zhang Eileen, such as Xiaohong.
"A woman's body follows the heart, the heart follows the man, while the man follows the situation, the man always disappears when the woman needs him most, and the woman will always have to learn to face the tragedy of the big time independently by herself."
So wrote Li Xinfeng, the inspirational muse of the advertising world, in her review of San Mao's film Rolling Dust, based on Eileen Chang and Hu Lancheng.
This movie review aptly depicts the tragic feelings of Zhang Ailing and Hu Lancheng. To say that it is sad is naturally for Eileen Chang.
In the 1940s, Zhang Eileen, the most talented woman in Shanghai, married Hu Lancheng, who was 14 years older than her, at the age of 24. At the time of his marriage, Hu still had a family and was serving in the Wang pseudo-government. Zhang Eileen ruled out worldly gossip and fell in love with Hu. During the period of love, after gifting Hu Lancheng's photographs, she once wrote, "Seeing him, she became very low, very low, low to the dust. But in her heart she rejoiced, and flowers blossomed from the dust."
But the later story proved that Eileen Chang did indeed lower herself to the dust, only that her heart, which was full of holes, never blossomed.
Hulan Cheng, who was already married for the second time, abandoned his wife, and in August 1944, he married Eileen Chang. Their union, did not go through the legal process, there is only a piece of paper as proof of marriage, which reads, "Hu Lan Cheng and Zhang Eileen signed for life, married. I wish to make the years quiet and peaceful now."
At the end of 1944, the current situation is turbulent, the Wang pseudo-government is in danger, Hulan Cheng went to Hubei to take over the editing of the "Dachu Newspaper", the two began to live in two separate places.
In 1945, after the surrender of Japan, Hulan Cheng became a traitor working for the Wang Government, in order to escape persecution, he fled from Wuhan to Wenzhou, Zhejiang Province, high school classmates. Soon, even with the fellow students of the concubine mother Fan Xiumei produced feelings, fell in love, the two in front of people began to husband and wife. Just left Zhang Eileen, Zhou Xunde Hu Lan Cheng, at this moment and Fan Xiumei together, visible his promiscuity!
Zhang Ailing, who had not met with Hulan Cheng for half a year, went to Wenzhou to look for Hulan Cheng, and was greeted with fatal injuries, and the triangular relationship caused her pain, and she in turn became the third party. When she left Wenzhou, Hulan Cheng sent her, it was raining, really the sky should be away from love. She sighed and said: "In the end, you are not willing. I have thought, if I have to leave you, and not to seek death, and not be able to love someone else, I will be just shriveled up." Zhang Eileen has known, her life the most beautiful love, has come to the bitter end, there is no room for redemption.
Even though, heartbroken to this point, Zhang Eileen still maintains a correspondence with Hu Lan Cheng, and in the economic relief Hu Lan Cheng, just because he was afraid of suffering in exile. 1947, after more than a year, desperate Zhang Eileen finally made up her mind, to Hu Lan Cheng sent a farewell letter to their feelings are finally brought to an end, but with the letter, Zhang Eileen but also sent a check for 300,000 yuan. Her manuscript fee.
The end of the relationship with Hu Lancheng, Zhang Eileen's heart has withered, and then moved to Japan, the United States, never harvested happy love.
Xiao Hong once said, "The sky is low for women, the feathers are thin, and the burdens around them are bulky."
Xiao Hong, known as "the goddess of literature in the 1930s", is also the "first bitter woman" with a very high IQ and a very low EQ.
Against the arranged marriage, at the age of 14, Xiao Hong refused to marry Wang Enjia, and at the age of 17, she chose to live with Lu Zhenshun, who already had a family, outside the marriage, which became a shocking move. Unable to cope with public opinion, Lu Zhenshun eventually abandoned Xiao Hong. Xiao Hong returned to her arranged marriage partner, Wang Enjia, and was eventually disliked by Wang's family. She became pregnant, but was still abandoned by Wang.
"The clear stream over there sings, the leaves on this side are green, girl, spring is here! Last year in Beiping, it was the time to eat green apricots, this year my fate is more sour than green apricots?" The 26-year-old talent read Xiao Hong's poem, was y attracted and impressed, he accepted the 21-year-old pregnant Xiao Hong. The two began a period of breathless whispering, night and day sweet time.
However, Xiao Jun became Xiao Hong's deepest love, but also her greatest pain. She regarded him as the greatest dependence in her life. But the conceited and arrogant, emotionally sloppy, irritable and unspecialized Xiao Jun, where can she stay for her. Xiao Hong's loneliness and cowardice, indecisiveness, submissive, submissive character, can only accelerate his boredom and dislike of her.
Soon, Xiao Jun and a woman named Chen Juan feelings, Xiao Hong Xiao Jun between the conflict is increasingly intensified, the quarrel is increasingly fierce, temperamental Xiao Jun often fists and feet.
In 1938, the two broke up. By this time, Xiao Hong was pregnant with Xiao Jun's child. Scarred Xiao Hong, met another writer in the Northeast, Duanmu Hongliang. Duanmu Confucian character than Xiao Jun gentle, seems to be more considerate, can give her a sense of solidity, which makes the tired Xiao Hong has wanted to dust off the idea of life. The two soon married.
I think, at this time was hurt Xiao Hong, rather than love Duanmu, rather than to find a dependence, just want to live a normal old man-style married life. There is no quarrel, no fight, no infidelity, no ridicule, just mutual understanding, love, consideration.
Xiao Hong, who has repeatedly made mistakes in love affairs between men and women, has once again made a wrong choice. Duanmu belongs to a very strong dependence on the man, the size of the family to Xiao Hong to carry things, and Xiao Hong's body was not good, and since then it is deteriorating, these trivial things can not let Xiao Hong feel bored.
Soon after their marriage, the Japanese bombed Wuhan, and Duanmu Hongliang left Xiao Hong with a big belly, and went to Chongqing. Xiao Hong arrived in Chongqing after a long ordeal, and at the end of 1938, Xiao Hong gave birth to a son in Bai Lang's house, who died soon afterward.
In 1942, at the age of 30, Xiao Hong never woke up in a hospital in Hong Kong .......
Studying in college that will read Zhang Eileen, read Xiao Hong, did not have their bitter emotional experience, analyzed, and recently thought more and more, re-examined, and fiercely only found that the two of them, is really typical of the "love too much" of the bitter woman it.
Not coincidentally, both live in a broken family, childhood have suffered serious psychological trauma. Zhang Eileen's mother, a woman of the new era, left Zhang Eileen for England at an early age. After her mother left, her opium-addicted father married a second wife, but her stepmother hated Eileen so much that she imprisoned her in a dark room for many days. The father, who listened to his stepmother, threatened to shoot Eileen Chang to death.
Xiao Hong's childhood was not as good as it could have been, and when she was 9 years old, her mother, Jiang Yulan, died, leaving Xiao Hong with three younger brothers. The year of his death, Zhang Tingju renewed his marriage.
Zhang Ailing spent her life in search of the love that was missing in her childhood, and Xiao Hong was not. They have all the characteristics of a woman who loves too much.
Their hearts are full of fear, in order to love, allow others to trample on themselves recklessly, hurt themselves, but do not dare to resist, because they are afraid to go through the childhood experience of being neglected and abandoned again. They have loved the whole world, but they have never really loved themselves.
With this realization, I also want to hug these two bitter women.
So, I began to think about how to seek redemption.
At too young an age, we know exactly how to take care of others, not ourselves. We pretend to be stronger, braver, more mature, and needing less than our true selves, while our need for loving attention and security is never met, and so we learn to deny our desire to be taken care of, and not to recognize our fear of pain and unmet needs.
Growing up, it's easy to do what we've been doing lightly since we were children - going out of our way to fulfill the needs of others. We focus all of our attention on the man who selfishly asks for what we have to give, and hope that by giving of ourselves, whether materially or physically, we will satisfy their superficial needs and temporarily fill a deeper lack of self at the same time.
We have been neglected by our parents for too long, and when we grow up, we desperately need to be needed, no matter if the other person is good or bad, good or bad, as long as he needs us, we will choose to be with him and hope that through this kind of payment, we can prove the meaning of our existence.
There is a story about a nearsighted man who lost his keys at night and searched for them under a streetlight. Another man came up to him and tried to help find the keys and asked him, "Are you sure the keys were lost here? The man replied, not sure, but the light is here.
Just like the man in the story, because the most important thing in life - love - was missing in childhood, love-starved women such as Eileen Chang, afterward uprooted their whole lives, were desperately longing to get it back, but instead of searching for it in the most promising places, they chose to look for it in the easiest places to see.
That most hopeful place is actually ourselves.
At one point, I didn't know that either, and Chang and Xiao especially didn't know that.
So it's time to be selfish, to love ourselves first, to nurture wherever we want to go.
Thus, a courageous disconnect is needed.
These are the things that we need to be brave enough to do, and it's hard to do when we're so used to giving as the value of our existence.
I have been in a relationship after the end of a long period of time, especially afraid of the morning eyes open that moment, that moment, my heart is empty and blank, I am afraid to face the new day, because I can not find support for me to continue to live on the power. Having matured too soon, my home had long since become a wasteland I couldn't return to, and I had placed all my hopes in a hopeless relationship that I had been dead set on giving for four years. It ended with a death sentence for me.
This emptiness is a feeling that many women who have loved too much have experienced after leaving someone. Because a long time in the past, they are all based on that moth to the flame like persistence to give, to prove that they are still alive.
Be brave and accept this emptiness. Facing the heart of the great emptiness, I know, sometimes, this emptiness is very deep, deep enough to even feel the wind blowing through the heart of the vacant place. It is important to allow yourself to feel this emptiness and to understand that you will not always be engulfed by this feeling, and that by remaining calm and feeling it, you begin to understand that warm feeling of self-acceptance.
Unless we take responsibility for our own lives and well-being, we are not fully mature human beings, but rather a dependent, fearful child within a shell of recognition.
Focusing on ourselves and taking responsibility for our lives means actively pursuing our interests. For too long we have focused all our energy on pleasing the other person and made him a business of ours, so it's time to shift our focus and take a good look at ourselves. How many things have you been longing to do for yourself, but haven't done? How many things are you particularly good at doing that you haven't put in the effort to do? Make a list, one by one.
Nurturing ourselves also means taking risks: going to places you've never been, meeting people you've never known, reading books you've never wanted to read, and eating food you've never eaten before. ...... Life can be as rich as a Swiss buffet if you want it to be.
More importantly, we need to understand that the world, without us, who can live as well, and the same, we left anyone, but also able to live a wonderful life.
The only thing we can really change is ourselves; the only thing we can control is ourselves, so let's leave it to God to arrange it.
Let go of the people around you, let them go to their own lives.
The reason why I wrote these words is because I am on my way to cure the disease of "loving too much", and I have a lot of thoughts that I want to share with my friends.
But what does it matter if it never comes?
Because the world is full of dust, and the only one who can ferry us is us!
Note: I matched the picture from the movie "Rolling in the Red Dust"