Text/37 Degree Warm Dad
The same gender, the same parents, the same family, different birth times, but very different behaviors. It can be said that there is a huge contrast! They are all under the same roof, why are their personalities so different? We also need to start with the parenting model of multi-child families and the psychological feelings of children.
To protect personal privacy, all characters and events in the article have been fictitious to a certain extent! Please don’t take your seat!
"When I gave birth to the eldest child, I was young, had good energy, and had little experience. Anyway, I just wanted to give her the best. When the second child was born, I was busy with work and had to take care of the eldest child. I always feel that I am indebted to my second child, who is not as meticulous as taking care of my elder sister." Yingguo (Yingying and Guoguo)'s mother looked at the two children playing with a doting look on her face and introduced the two sisters to me.
Looking at the two Yingguos playing, I found that the eldest child was reserved, steady and rarely spoke, while the second child was like a "chirping bird", his mouth never stopped.
"Teacher, have you seen? The eldest son has always been like this. He doesn't like to talk and gives up when he can't do things well. When I took the eldest son to dance class, I took my second son with me. When I saw my sister dancing, I jumped along with her. The dance teacher told me that Guoguo was talented and asked me to join her. I thought, since I was given a gift, let’s learn together! , the teacher always praises the second child for dancing well, which is indeed good. Then, the eldest brother thinks that the younger sister dances better than him, so he stops learning and says nothing. ”
From my mother’s point of view. The description of the sisters' daily behavior seems "not directly proportional" to the energy put in by their mother. If you compare them carefully, you will find a very interesting thing:
Why are the two children so different? This has to start with the birth order, parenting patterns, and psychological feelings of children in multi-child families.
My mother revealed several details. When Guoguo was still in her mother's belly, some elders or neighbors would joke and say, "Your mother won't like you anymore because she has a little brother or sister." For children, such a joke is tantamount to a collapse of the world and is not fun at all!
After Guoguo was born, grandma also said to Yingying: "You are a sister. You must be sensible. You can't always pester your mother. You must learn to take care of yourself, because your mother has to take care of your sister." Wrong words essentially deprive Yingying of her right to maternal love and care.
For children in families with multiple children, each sibling is his or her own competitor, and the target of competition is the material and spiritual resources from their parents. So, this also explains very well why two children in the family have various "competitions". The essence of the competition is not the items, but the parents' attitude towards themselves.
Her mother said: "After Guoguo was born, Yingying wanted to sleep with me. That's what my grandma said. In fact, the two children were only 5 years apart, and she was also a child. I didn't think much about it at the time. The reason why I care about this is that I really don’t have enough energy to take care of two children at the same time.”
When Yingying watched her sister arrive and “occupy” her mother, her grandma also began to demand that she grow up instantly. Big, my mother didn’t express her opinion on grandma’s attitude. In Yingying's heart, she thinks that she is unpopular because I am not good enough, so her mother begins to dislike me. At this time, there must be anxiety in Yingying's heart.
However, children must survive! Some people may say: "My parents don't lack food and drink for her, so how can I say that she can't survive?" For animals, having enough food and drink to sleep well has satisfied most of their needs. The relationship between humans and animals The biggest difference is that they have advanced emotional needs. If we just feed and clothe a baby, and take care of it without any emotion or physical contact, then there is a high probability that the baby will not survive. Even if he can survive, he will not become what human society needs!
Therefore, when Yingying established the self-concept of "I am not good enough", in order to gain her mother's love, she would inevitably reduce her chances of making mistakes, and gradually formed a restrained and steady character.
During dancing, if you find that your sister performs better than you and gets more praise and encouragement, that is to say, "you don't do as well as your sister", you will naturally choose to give up.
Because the mother takes less care of Guoguo and has less judgment about "good and bad", the child can grow freely and show: outgoing, lively, expressive, flamboyant and aggressive.
The mother asked: "What should I do in the current situation?"
In fact, similar situations will inevitably occur in families with many children, or the eldest son/daughter will be born Brothers and sisters at the bottom of the order compete for part of the survival resources, leading to a situation like Yingying's; or it may be that the eldest son/daughter performs very well, which puts pressure on the brothers and sisters to survive. In short, for families with many children, it is indeed very difficult for parents to have a balanced bowl of water.
First of all, when considering having a second or third child, parents should fully consider the age gap between the children and whether they have enough energy to cope with the emotional needs of two or even three children. needs.
Secondly, you don’t have to worry even if you are in a situation like Yingying’s: because Yingying is very motivated, has strong internal drive, and her introverted and steady style of doing things will make her more efficient in her work. Delicate and patient. Such children have high self-esteem, attach great importance to the results of things, and are eager to please others. They often use the likes and dislikes of others as the driving force for their own actions.
Parents need to pay special attention to help their children adjust their sense of purpose in doing things: "do things for yourself" instead of always considering the likes and dislikes of others. When unsatisfactory results occur, parents also need to help their children with psychological construction: accept their children's frustration, self-blame, guilt and other negative emotions caused by failure, and at the same time emphasize the importance of process efforts.
Conclusion: Everything has its pros and cons, so don’t blame yourself or worry. Every living condition of a child has its own corresponding high-quality resources. Parents need to see their children's high-quality resources and help them maximize the function of their own resources, which is the best development and education for their children.
#Special Reminder#: People are naturally aggressive, which manifests itself in arguments, competitions, risk-taking, etc., and of course aggressive behavior. For example: hitting and biting. I prefer to use the word offensive, which is more mild than aggressive and refers more to an enterprising and competitive attitude on the mental level. It doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong, everyone should be aggressive to a certain extent and don't misinterpret it.
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