Last night at eleven o'clock, my cell phone suddenly received a message. In a daze, I opened it and saw that it was from my good friend Li: "I finally quit the dormitory group ＜helpless.jpg＞."
The dormitory group is the hippest and most lively group in the college years, but why would you quit the group?
Li said, he is a very easy-going personality, but hate a roommate in the same dormitory. Even if there is no intersection, just to see her talk and do things are very disgusted, think she is doing it to death.
She didn't want to pay attention to that classmate, but she couldn't help it, and then she heard her voice, and sometimes she even wished she would disappear from the world. Every day she saw her in the group sunshine selfie and share daily life is very bitter, for this reason she chose to withdraw from the group.
She said that maybe withdrawing from the group doesn't work at all, so she used to avoid the girl when she was in school. But strangely, she seemed to be concerned about her again, and always inadvertently asked people around her about her.
She didn't know why she hated this person so much, and the other person didn't really have much conflict with her.
02
We all have "hate" in our lives.
For example, if someone breaks the law or does something immoral, we will hate them; if someone hurts us or violates our rights, we will hate them; and unfriendly behaviors or attitudes will make us feel disgusted with them.
This nastiness is perfectly normal, and behind it is some painful experience and daily accumulated anger.
But like Xiao Li, who is not too close to yourself or you feel that you should not hate her/him so much to generate aversion, then you should ask yourself nicely.
03
Maybe it's not her/him you hate, but someone else.
This person may be someone who has hurt you before.
After a reaction (including psychological and physiological reactions) is associated with a stimulus source, a similar reaction occurs for other similar stimulus sources, which is called "generalization" in psychology.
For example, if you are bitten by a snake, you will be afraid of snakes, and gradually you will be afraid of things that look like snakes, curved ribbons, the sound of silk, and even more so, you will be uncomfortable with people spitting out their tongues.
Similarly, if there are objects that have hurt or damaged you, some of the bad feelings they have caused you will be projected onto the people you "hate".
"You're a nag, like my mom."
"Can you stop being so pretentious, you're just like my friend who used to show off."
"What a loud voice, like a square dance in the neighborhood."
This person could also be someone you've hurt before.
When you've hurt someone, if that person shares some of the same **** as the person you currently "hate", it can be projected.
For example, a single mom has this problem: she loves her son, but when she sees that he looks so much like her ex-husband, she sometimes hates him for no reason, and gets angry at him for no apparent reason.
At this point it's her ex-husband she hates, and her son is just an object of her mental projection.
04
In fact, it's not the other person you hate, it's you.
If you think about why you admire those idols, you may find something unexpected. Those famous people you admire share some ****ing characteristics: they're the ideal of themselves.
For example, if you like Chris Pang's self-discipline, it shows that you actually want to be a self-disciplined person. In the same way, you may like someone who is humble and low-key, with inspirational stories ......
Each of us talks about accepting ourselves and loving ourselves. But you can recall if you have ever said that yourself.
"If only I were sunnier."
"I can't be such a wimp, I need to empower myself."
"Why can't I get good grades, am I really dumber than others?"
In fact, each of us is more or less dissatisfied with ourselves, and when we face these own shortcomings to produce pain, we are likely to transfer internal emotions to others.
Psychology refers to this psychological experience as negative empathy, a transfer that throws away some of the parts of oneself that one hates, that one should not have.
05
Intercourse is the inevitable companion of humanity. --Marx
When we inexplicably hate someone, it's good to stop and think about our own mindset. Is it because of mental projection, or negative empathy, or maybe it's our unfounded prejudices and stereotypes.
Interaction is more than simply communicating with each other, it's like a mirror in which we can discover the underlying parts of our personalities that allow us to understand ourselves better.
In the case of Li, it's not that she hates her roommate, it's just that the other person's presence or certain behaviors are hurting the hidden part of her heart.
When we talked, Li said honestly that she envied the girl, who was cheerful, outgoing, and had good social skills, and had many people like her, while she was very self-conscious, introverted, and didn't fit in well.
She is trying to prove that she is different from her by being obnoxious. It's a way to reassure herself that she's okay the way she is.
So now, do you have an answer for that inexplicable "hate"?
So now you have an answer to that inexplicable "hate"?