The neighbor's child is obsessed with the second grade of junior high school. When chatting downstairs, he talks very negatively, "I am stupid. I am the stupidest child in our family. My cousins ??are all better than me." "There will be times in the future. It would be great if a college wanted me. "If my mother doesn't like me, she shouldn't have given birth to me, so as not to embarrass her."...
I'm confused, but my mother is in elementary school. Teacher, why are children so unsure of themselves? Discipline too strict? Too demanding? The inferiority complex comes from excellent cousins? Kexin's aunt's cousin is studying at Peking University, her second aunt's cousin is studying at a key high school, and she is studying at an ordinary junior high school, with mediocre grades and failing exams from time to time. Nowadays, children are obviously tired of learning when they talk, "Why is there such an institution as a school? It would be great if girls didn't study like before."
When it comes to studying, Ke Xin's mother said that she has a headache, why is she a teacher? , but the child is not as good as others. She was fine in elementary school, but her grades in junior high school plummeted, and she couldn't control it. She was sitting there, but her heart was not on her studies. She was always in a daze, couldn't say anything, and talked back whenever she spoke, " Yes! You're unlucky, I'm stupid, I can't learn anything, and I can't do anything, okay?" Mom choked and could only sigh.
I don’t understand why Kexin, the lively and cute person I grew up with, is so depressed after entering junior high school? After reading "Parents do these 9 things, children will change from hating learning to loving learning" and suddenly realized that there are reasons for children's negativity, and most of it lies with their parents.
Liu Liang, the author of the book "Parents do these 9 things, children will change from hating learning to loving learning", is a doctor of medicine at Tongji University, director of the clinical psychology department of Shanghai Pudong New Area Mental Health Center, and deputy psychiatry department The chief physician is a practitioner of family and youth mental health. His usual focus is to help teenagers and families with growing difficulties, parent-child conflicts, study-weariness, Internet addiction, and emotional distress, and provide psychological consultation and popular science. He receives at least 100 families every year who are troubled by study weariness and has rich clinical experience.
Social pressure is high, and study weariness has become a widely concerned social phenomenon. The causes are complex and difficult to deal with. The author Liu Liang focuses on the study of family-based psychological treatment. This book is good news for families who are weary of study. , help you deeply analyze each cause of study weariness, and put forward practical suggestions to solve the problem of study weariness. There are many typical cases shared and analyzed in the book, which can effectively help parents and children troubled by study weariness.
There is a child similar to Kexin in the book, who is better at self-deprecating than Kexin. She calls herself "the invincible bad girl in the universe", has a bad relationship with her classmates at school, talks back to her mother at home, and treats herself badly. He has always been self-denying and talks very sadly.
As her attending doctor, the author Liu Liang learned that the main reasons are as follows:
1. Frequently criticizes children and denigrates their personality. Mothers love to nag, lecture and often label their children and even denigrate their character. "You have no perseverance, no perseverance, and you can't accomplish anything..." As time went by, the child retorted: "In your eyes, I am just a waste of air when I am alive, and a waste of land when I am dead."
Imagine a child who is scolded every day like "you can't do it". How can he still have self-confidence? As time goes by, he will believe "I can't do it" and "I'm useless". To destroy a child's self-confidence is to call him stupid every day, belittle him and deny him every day.
2. The relationship between classmates is not good, resulting in self-denial. For children, they attach great importance to the relationship with classmates. If the relationship is not good, they will be isolated in school, their inner loneliness will affect their mood, and they will not be interested in studying.
3. The relationship between husband and wife is not good. The quality of the relationship between husband and wife directly affects the way parents educate their children. If they are not in a good mood, they will take it out on their children and become more picky about them. Accusations and criticisms will follow. Maybe your careless words will become the last straw for your children.
Most children who are criticized a lot have low self-confidence, especially criticism that denigrates personality, which is more harmful, hurts self-esteem and lacks self-confidence. As you said, children who are often scolded gradually develop self-denial.
"I'm just worthless, I'm just not as strong as my cousins, I'm just stupid, what can I learn if I'm stupid?"
"I'm the invincible bad girl in the universe."
p>"No one plays with me, they dislike me."
"I am useless and cannot learn well."
"
"Why do people live just to go to school and get scolded? ”
......
All kinds of negativity and sadness, lack of confidence in front of teachers and classmates, lack of resilience after setbacks, and even depression of being hopeless. It is inevitable to be tired of studying.
How to solve the problem of children feeling depressed at a young age?
1. Write down 10 things and 100 advantages of children.
p>
When parents always like to nag their children's shortcomings and focus on their children's shortcomings, they gradually ignore their children's strengths. They think that their children should do what they should do, and they must criticize them if they fail to do so. We always see the bad things about our children, and over time, the children will blame themselves, feel guilty, and gradually lose their self-confidence.
Asking parents to write down their children’s strengths means that parents should be good at discovering the bright spots of their children. Parents who, when first asked, can't write down a few advantages, need to change their picky attitude towards their children, carefully observe their children's advantages and everything they do successfully, and express them appropriately to their children.
2. Praise children
To help children build self-confidence, they must learn to praise children appropriately, pay attention to any small progress in them, and recognize and encourage them in a timely manner. There is no need to worry about whether the child will be proud. Only when the child is recognized. It is a motivation to learn and be positive. Everyone wants to be seen and recognized. The more children are recognized, the brighter they will be.
You must learn how to praise, instead of blindly saying "you are awesome". Praise has no effect. Praise should be done carefully. The more detailed and precise the praise, the more convincing it will be. Only then will the child know which behaviors have been done well, and then reinforce them. For example: "You study very seriously" is very general, "I am." I noticed that you finished your homework and previewed tomorrow's class without looking at your phone. "This is very specific. Another example is: "You are very good! "It's better to say, "You washed the dishes and wiped the table after dinner. You were so diligent." ”
Liu Liang said: “The richer and more specific the details in the praise you give your children, the more profound the pleasant emotional experience you bring to your children, and the more lasting the imprint left in their motor memory. , the more helpful it is to build their self-confidence. ”
If you don’t know what to praise, please observe the child’s progressive behavior and think about the child’s recent performance in view of a certain advantage of the child. For example, if the child has the advantage of being helpful, think of him helping his neighbor move things. For parents who do not have the habit of praising, they need to change their way of thinking. It is not by criticizing their children that they will work hard. Excessive criticism will cause children to lose confidence and not like to learn.
If you have opinions about certain behaviors of your children, respect your children. , presented in the form of a suggestion, “Wouldn’t it be better next time…? "Children are more willing to accept it and turn reasonable praise into a habit, and children will become more and more confident. Confident people can succeed in anything.
3. Positive interpretation
The same thing There are different interpretations of things. Some people see the positive side, while others are unfounded and worried about not doing well in the exam. Some parents believe that "it is a good thing to find mistakes. Only by knowing your weak points can you make persistent efforts." Some parents think, "That's great. How can I go to a good university in the future?" Why are you so stupid? How did you take the exam? "
Regarding the child who loves to make fun of herself in the book, what we see is the sadness of giving up on herself. Liu Liang praised her for her ability to laugh at herself and resolve embarrassment with black humor. The child was surprised, "I have never laughed at herself. I thought this was an ability. "Then Liu Liang guided her to make a movie about her life, praising her for being strategic and brave. The child slowly began to open up her heart and her eyes became brighter and brighter.
Understand the reasons behind the child's behavior , think about the positive aspects of the current predicament, whether there are any benefits that have not been noticed, and actively guide the children to be positive first.
4. Let go appropriately.
In life, do your own things, and don’t deprive your children of their sense of accomplishment. Many parents only let their children study and do not do housework. They think they are good for their children, but in fact they deprive their children of the opportunity to grow by training them to do housework and teach them. Making bread, making juice, or even cooking will give children a sense of competence and enhance their self-confidence.
Don’t be too strict with your children when it comes to learning.
If the relationship between husband and wife is loving, children will not be harmed by it. We must know how to manage the relationship between husband and wife and learn to love ourselves. Some mothers are angry with their children because of family conflicts and have a bad relationship between husband and wife, so they place their hopes on their children. While paying more attention to their children, they also have higher demands, conveying anxiety about life and causing stress to their children. Some parents often blame their children, "I have paid so much for you, but you don't study hard, I'm sorry for you." The child is very depressed. Learning is his business, and you must also learn to be self-responsible.
The mother who "lost a girl" in the book later stopped keeping an eye on her children and turned her attention to her relationship with her husband and her own hobbies. She went out to meet with classmates and danced square dances to give her children space. . When parents are in a happy mood, they will love their children better.
I don’t know if the reason for Kexin is related to her mother often criticizing her and comparing her to her cousins. In short, I feel it is necessary to introduce this book to Kexin’s mother. Are there any such "bereaved" children around you? Are you denying yourself too much? To cultivate sunny, positive and confident children, please praise more and criticize less.