But the truth is, every thing only existed in my mind, from what I used to look forward to, imagined, to what later became unattainable, because my mother left me forever.
In the beginning of 2020, when there was a global outbreak, I was fortunate to have a healthy family, and I always thought that these difficult times were over, and that there would always be happier times ahead, but the truth was the opposite of what I thought.
At the end of March, everything began to change because of an operation, the mother suddenly decided to go to do kidney removal surgery (four years ago, I found out that my mother had a bad kidney), it was a common surgery, lucky to go to the pre-operative checkups, the results were the same as four years ago, there is no deterioration, due to the slow hospital scheduling checkups, there has been a delay of many days, the mother was in Chengdu, always worried about the grandfather of the family, every time I would tell the doctor that I hope to be able to do it, but I was not sure that I could. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to find a way to get the best out of this, but I'm sure you're going to be able to find a way to get the best out of this, and I'm sure you're going to be able to find a way to get the best out of this, but I'm sure you're going to be able to find a way to get the best out of this.
In the days of waiting for the surgery, my mother was always very anxious, she often could not sleep at night, and refused to go out to play during the day, and she always ate very little, no matter how much we tried to enlighten her, she was always very stubborn, thinking that she was about to lose a kidney, and she would be different from the normal people.
It was hard to wait until the start of the operation, I saw my mother wearing a hospital gown, lying in the hospital bed, at that moment I think she is really a good little one, the body of a single can not, the heart can not say how to feel, I watched her being pushed into the operating room, I spent a long time outside of the five hours, wait until we were called to go to the mother because of the role of anesthesia, the eyes are only slightly open, the body of the left and right sides of the tube, chest stickers, and the body of the patient, the body of the patient, and the body of the patient. She had tubes on both sides of her body and all kinds of medical patches on her chest. At that moment, my tears fell down, she was obviously a person who could go up to the mountain in the middle of the night to water the peppers, and she was also an athletic person, and she was very powerful in my heart. Even I feel like touching it, I can't bear to do it.
The evening of the third day after the operation, the mother suddenly uncontrollable, mouth chanting discharge, go home, reach out to pull out their own body tube, we try to control, still no way, then called the doctor in charge of the doctor, the doctor asked her, she can be a normal answer, the doctor diagnosis is no problem, we feel that may be because of homesickness, she has never been away from home for so long. The mother's mood stabilized for several more days, as if the person is normal again, finally waited until the discharge, the mother could not wait to go home, no matter how we can not persuade, after asking the doctor, we were discharged from the hospital the next day after the mother to take home, ready to be in the home for the convalescence.
Due to work reasons, after a week of home I see my mother began to communicate normally and others, and the usual no difference, and because of work reasons, I had to rush back to Chengdu, in my return to Chengdu on the fifth day, my brother suddenly called to say that my mother's condition began to deteriorate, walking, and even began to talk to the problem, we rushed to the hospital to review the hospital gave the results of my mother's body, the mother's body has no problem, we change a lot of people, but also the mother's body has no problem. We hurriedly went to the hospital for a review, but the hospital gave us the same result that my mother's health was fine. We changed hospitals, but the results were the same. Finally, on the advice of a friend who was studying medicine, we took my mother to a professional psychiatric hospital, where the doctor diagnosed my mother's anxiety as being too much, which led to a decline in her physical and verbal abilities, and suggested that she be treated conservatively, and that we prescribe medication for her to go home to recuperate, and to help her to feel better, because my mother didn't speak at all at the time.
The mother's mother was not able to communicate with the psychiatrist.
We went back to our hometown and started to accompany our mother to heal her body, but she was very stubborn at that time and did not take any medicine, we did not dare to force her to take medicine, her body was getting worse and worse day by day, but we did not have any solution, that period of time, we were more and more tormented day by day.
As time goes by, my mother can't even speak or walk at all, and she can only eat liquid food, lying in bed, no difference with the vegetative state, we feed her porridge on time every day and change her diaper, her eyes cry red every day, my mother used to be a particularly clean person, but now she needs to use a wet diaper. It was extremely difficult for her. Later, my mother's condition will be more serious from time to time, we have no way, at first to give her fluids, and then she was too thin, even the fluids can not be lost, due to long-term only eat liquid food, my mother's body can not keep up with the nutrition, the whole body cramps, that is the first time I saw someone will be all over the body cramps, the expression of the pain of the grimace, but we can not do anything about it, we could only watch, my uncle heard what others say on the mother may be helpful, and immediately went to do it, grandpa, he said, he was a good person, and I was very happy. The first time I saw my mother, she was in pain and had a terrible look on her face, but we could not do anything but watch.
The mother kept the bad state and continued to lie in bed for more than two months, until August 12, I went to the county town to give grandpa a prescription for medicine, early out of the door, everything happened unexpectedly.
I never thought I would say goodbye to her in that way, although I knew this day would come sooner or later, but when it really came, I felt I still couldn't accept it.
I was on the way home to learn the news of the death of my mother, I was sitting alone on the road waiting for the car, was scheduled to be my brother drove to pick me up, but waited for a long time did not see my brother's presence, I called my sister, she has been in a state of unavailability to answer the state of my heart at that time, some uneasiness, but thought that she may be busy, I sent a tweet to my sister and asked her why she did not pick up the phone, she had not replied, during the period of a village, she had not been in a state of unavailability. did not reply, during a village uncle drove down to me that let me wait for him, he went to my home to buy some things, then I was very apprehensive, but also hold a fluke, it may be just the mother of some serious, so come to help to buy some things to get ready, suddenly the phone rang, it is my sister back to me WeChat, the content of the extremely simple, the mother went, my sister replied to the four words. I was holding the cell phone hair hand can not control the shake, I breathed heavily, try to calm their emotions, I was especially want to immediately run home, I think my sister must be joking with me, waiting for the uncle's car back, I feel that the time is incredibly long, I can not wait to grow a pair of wings, you can fly back home, and it is hard to wait until the uncle to receive me, I sat on the car without saying a word! I did my best to lower the brim of my hat, my body is still trembling, tears in my eyes, I tried not to let it fall, on the way I received a phone call from my cousin's wife, she asked me how long it was going to take to cover the coffin, wait for me to go back to see the last night, I tried to control my emotions, so that my voice sounded normal, I said wait for me, don't cover it, I'll be right at home. When the car my house is getting closer and closer, I began to be afraid again, I do not dare to enter the door of the house, I feel that the footsteps are more and more bearing weight, to the door of the house, I saw a lot of people in the house busy, I walked in, I intentionally do not first look at the mother sleeps in that house, I first from the other side of the backpack to put down the backpack on the back, and then toward the mother lived in the house, I saw at once in the middle of the living room in the coffin, but the lid has been covered, I went back to the house. The lid was already closed, I went to the coffin, I even felt that the person lying inside must not be my mother, or she must still have a body temperature, they must have made a mistake, I shouted frantically, why is the lid closed, lift it off for me, she was just sleeping, my aunt and a few aunts dragged me and didn't let me get close to the coffin, they consoled me, saying that the lid wasn't closed, and they would show it to me right away, and told me to not be anxious. My uncle pushed open the lid of the coffin, my mother was lying inside, extremely peaceful, she was wearing clothes I had never seen before, with a hat I had never seen before, she had not eaten nutritious food for a long time, she was already skinny only skin and bones, I looked at my mother who was familiar and unfamiliar, the tears couldn't stop flowing down, I yelled at her frantically, "Get up, what are you doing, get up, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me. Get up and talk to me, talk to me. You haven't waited for me to get married and have children, what are you doing, what are you sleeping for, get up for me." I tried to reach out and touch her, my aunt hugged me tightly, she said, "She's been in pain for so long and you guys have taken care of her for so long, this is a relief for her." I shook my head frantically, "No, I would have taken care of her a little longer, at least then I would have seen her every day." My aunt told me to look at her carefully one last time and remember her, how was I going to remember her, I had only been looking at her for twenty-two years and I wanted to look at her for many more years before I remembered her. My uncle closed the lid and I instantly sat paralyzed on the floor, I didn't have any strength left to struggle, to hiss, I just kept staring at the coffin for a long, long time, but I couldn't remember what she looked like when she was alive. More and more blurred.
After my mother was buried, I often broke down and cried at night, I was always afraid of ghosts, and then on the contrary, I hope that there are ghosts in the world, so there will be hope to see my mother again. After my mother's burial, my brother went to Kunming to do something, my grandfather went to the hospital to see a doctor, my sister went back to school, I was alone in the house, but did not feel afraid, more of a sense of loneliness, every day I woke up to sleep is also a person, play with the cell phone to play with the tablet, and sleep, and eat, one day eating dinner suddenly broke down and cried, immense miss mother, I was like a child no one wants, and no one even knows that I am alone in the house. I was like an unwanted child, no one even knew I was alone in the house. Later, when my grandfather came back from the hospital, I went to pick him up, I suddenly felt that I finally have someone to want, the family is no longer I am alone, no longer have to wake up to face an empty room.
? Later, the name of the head of the household on the account book changed from her to me, and I was left alone in the account book.
I no longer need to sneak around eating instant noodles for fear of being scolded by her, and even if I eat instant noodles until I vomit, no one will say a word to me.
No one will make me eat walnuts every day in a forceful manner and read to me several times a day.
? She won't be around to say a word about me when I buy lots of spicy snacks with reckless abandon, or even when I eat a meal a day without her being around to lecture me.
I play outside until very, very late, and no one will play life-threatening serial call to urge me to go home.
I habitually called her when I couldn't find something, when I encountered something unfamiliar, but there was no response anymore.? All the things I wished to be free of her then, are free now. But she was completely gone. With all that she was to me, all gone, not even in dreams.
I also tell myself from time to time that my mother, she went to meet her boys, and her mom and dad, and she doesn't have to be our warrior anymore, she went to be her mom and dad's little princess. She will be happy all the time with her boy in another place where I can't see.