A year after the last month, when I had dinner with Miss Cong, she once again asked me the same question,hollister france, I consumed these seven years with Zhang Sheng, in the end, is it worth it. My answer was the same as last year, I really can't answer without a drink.
In fact, the answer stuck in my throat.
Science doesn't have a formula for how much money a year of youth translates into, and you've been together for seven years, but you've finally broken up. In this long experiment, love is an elusive control variable, and I don't know when love appears and whether it has disappeared, so I can't give you an answer, whether it's worth it or not.
I don't have a seven-year relationship, and I don't spend so much time with anyone, day and night, so maybe I don't understand why you are so reluctant to give up, for a man who won't marry you.
I've read that the greatest love and respect a man can have for a woman is to give her marriage. But Zhang Sheng can't give Miss Cong, at least not now.
I have gone to great lengths to hint at this, but perhaps Ms. Cong still won't get it, because she is still in love.
The girl is a friend and neighbor who shared a room with me after I graduated from the university, and she has become a good friend from a stranger to an acquaintance, and has finally become a good friend who can talk about anything. Women dealing with each other, the initial always polite, but get along always have climbing, there are guarded, there are tit for tat. But Cong girl with me, is an exception.
Since living with Ms. Cong, she has conquered me with the light of motherhood. I've always been a person who doesn't pay much attention to the details of life, and I don't know how to do housework and cooking. But Miss Cong has done a good job of cooking, and will often leave me a copy of the housework is always her noiselessly on the cooking of the proper, know that I have a bad habit of losing things, but also specially in a variety of conspicuous place to paste love tips to remind me to bring a good cell phone key wallet. If I were a man, I would have been willing to do what she did under her skirt.
In fact, if I really become a man, I may not be able to take the girl. Cong girl born of beauty, quiet and gentle, generous and decent, work hard, chasing her man can be lined up from the Princess Tomb to Chang'an Street. Seven years ago, in the many suitors, Miss Cong firmly chose Zhang Sheng, Zhang Sheng handsome, well-off, stable work, the guitar played well, the two of them together, absolutely counted as a pair of male talent and female beauty of the pair of people.
Zhang Sheng, like me, bathed in the maternal glory of the girl in the bush, forgetting to enjoy the love. When you come to visit, all Zhang Sheng has to do is sit on the sofa and watch TV, and then wait for Miss Cong's cut fruit plate and exquisite afternoon tea. Mr. Zhang also spoiled Miss Cong with gifts on every business trip and surprises on every holiday. I couldn't think of anyone sweeter than them at that time.
But after a long time of contact, Ms. Cong realized that the relationship with Mr. Zhang has its own hard knocks. Eileen Chang said that life is a gorgeous robe, crawling with fleas, and Miss Cong silently endured the bite of trouble under the surface of the good life? Zhang Sheng does not intend to get married.
It was not that Zhang Sheng did not want to marry Miss Cong, it was that he never wanted to marry anyone. In his words: ? Marriage not only fails to sustain a relationship, it also destroys love.? According to my understanding of Zhang Sheng, he is not a person who is greedy for fun, and he is even more devoted to Miss Cong. After analyzing the various reasons, the result is the same as I guessed, the debris of the family breakup cut off Zhang Sheng's confidence in marriage.
From the time Zhang Sheng remembered, his parents have been arguing all day long, the home is always filled with the smell of gunpowder, after a long battle, they finally divorced Zhang Sheng in elementary school. Since then, the mother went to Hainan, the father stayed in Beijing, Zhang Sheng and grandparents *** with the life in Hebei. The distance between the north and south have not weakened the couple's hatred for each other, as long as you see Zhang Sheng, polite pleasantries after that is to keep rambling about each other's bad, the father suspected that the mother's bad temper, the mother picking on the father's irresponsibility. Zhang Sheng's teenage years were burdened with such heavy life issues.
After high school, his father took him from Hebei to Beijing in order to urge him to study. At this time, the father has remarried, Zhang Sheng's new mother is not old, but the frame is very big, in front of Zhang Sheng is not like an elder, but played a full? She is not like an elder in front of Zhang Sheng, but plays the role of a full-blown "evil stepmother". She is not like an elder in front of Zhang Sheng, but plays the role of an evil stepmother, who makes things difficult for Zhang Sheng at every turn, and her criticisms of Zhang Sheng often become the prelude to quarrels between her and her father. Living in the middle, Zhang Sheng is not only unable to study better, but also has to act as a mediator between his father and his new mother from time to time. During his years in Beijing, his father's marriage has left him psychologically traumatized once again.
These two psychological traumas have given Zhang Sheng an irrationally biased perception of marriage, which, in his view, is destined to end badly, so it would be better to never start.
Love sometimes makes people become blindly great, Cong girl know the original story, determined to do to save Zhang Sheng, she foolishly thought that with true love with time, will always melt Zhang Sheng's inner ice, will always let him regain the vision of marriage. Her perseverance has taken the world's breath away, and for seven years, in the face of Zhang Sheng's unwavering attitude, the Cong girl endured the pain of ten thousand arrows through the heart, but also strive to live a radiant.
The suitors who came before and after her couldn't shake her decision, and the friends and family who tried to persuade her couldn't stop her from insisting. She longed for the relationship to turn into a miracle, but couldn't wait for the opportunity to turn the story around.
In the blink of an eye, seven years have passed, and Ms. Cong is now twenty-nine years old, and at the threshold of her thirties, the pressures from society, family, friends, and coworkers have brought her to the brink of collapse. A Rose for Emily" says that all a woman desires in her life is a rose. Cong girl with every ordinary girl, not only longing for the rose on behalf of love, but also longing for love can ultimately achieve marriage, so she asked over and over again, I so insisted on whether it is worth it, insisted on whether there will be a good result?
I would like to ask the girl, if life can be repeated, will you still insist on this seven years?
The love is still burning, but the girl's determination has been burned to ashes. Before deciding to break up, Miss Cong made one last effort. She spent a month making a video about her and Zhang Sheng's relationship, from meeting to falling in love to arguing to being together, which recorded the movies they had seen, the concerts they had attended, the restaurants they had eaten at, the photos they had taken, and even every landscape they had seen.
When they first met, Ms. Cong had baby teeth, wore bright green dresses, and laughed wildly. Later, she cut her hair short and took the time to sculpt herself so that every smile was reserved and dignified. The more you look at them, the more you feel that the two of them are quite a couple, and walking down the street hand in hand is also an enviable pair of children.
From the youthful college days to the present immediately three Zhang's struggle for life, seven years, they have been unshaken by the wind and rain, the Cong girl for Zhang Sheng as a sister as a mother, Zhang Sheng for the Cong girl to do cattle as a horse, the story should always be reasonable to develop into a he put on a wedding dress, but Zhang Sheng did not, and the future will not be there.
Miss Cong said Zhang Sheng hugged her and cried after watching the video, but fuck it he still won't marry me. I know this is her last bit of leverage, all thrown out if you still lose the bet, can only regret the exit. After all, to reorganize into the next section of life, far more practical than the memory of the past to dwell on.
Break up with Zhang Sheng more than a year, the Cong girl is still unforgettable, she is still in love with him, which is a thousand gold can not be replaced. It's just that, apart from being hard to get over, what can be done about it?
Long-term in? The girl, who has been in love since the beginning, can only keep on giving and expecting the other side to change, and once she is in love, she will be in love with the other side. Once she is saved, she can only keep on giving and expecting the other person to change. The psychological imbalance can only bring the weightlessness of life.
Marriage can not be forced, it needs two relatively equal men and women **** with to create, to operate, Zhang Sheng need to wait to put down the heart of the burden of the moment, and Cong girl? The first thing you need to do is to get out of the way. The rescuer? The armor, in order to usher in a reciprocal, side by side into the marriage of love. The older unmarried man/woman youth? has become a magical label. It quietly lurks in us, becoming a time bomb that can't be shaken off. Regardless of your work situation and mentality, as long as it is the occasion when relatives and friends get together, this cute little bomb will choose to explode from time to time, turning you into the center of the conversation.
Our parents and relatives, always want us to be a ? happy? person, and in the eyes of most elders, not being married equals unhappiness. And your unhappiness means their unhappiness.
Most people are very filial and easily influenced by the environment. Therefore, countless young people, in order to their own happiness, more parents' happiness, desperately matchmaking, desperately trust people to introduce, widely spread nets, wild fishing, trying to use the most efficient way, in the shortest possible time with the least cost to identify the other half of their lives. On the one hand, I want to make my parents feel at ease, but also make myself less annoyed.
In fact, there are differences between different people, the time of psychological appeal to the opposite sex is different. More importantly, not everyone is ready to step into marriage as soon as they reach marriageable age. How to love people, how to get along with each other in love and maintain a stable relationship are all acquired skills that need to be acquired, and there are no shortcuts. It is often difficult for someone who has not been in a relationship to visualize what problems they will create in the process. If you skip the stage of falling in love and step straight into marriage, it can create a lot of unexpected trouble.
But? Leftover men? Leftover woman? These two evil words force us to be so anxious. It seems that people who don't get married at a certain age are really going to be ? The first thing you need to do is to get a good deal of money. and deserve to be looked at differently by others. No one asks you if you are ready, everyone is telling you with behavior, words and eyes: hurry up, or it will be too late.
Once we are in too much of a hurry, we forget the original purpose of looking for the love of our life. So there is no time to wait for that fabulous chance encounter, and no patience to look for that heart-thumping presence, and marriage becomes a time-bound task, an arms race for the marriageable youth.
I have always believed that activities such as blind dates and forced marriages are a serious violation of the way we love, and have nothing to do with a happy life. Some people are simply not ready to spend their lives with another person ****, and then rush into marriage under the flank of others. There are also some people do not even have time to understand each other, even friends are not counted, just think each other in all aspects ? The same? And also get along?
These are the first time I've ever seen a woman in the world who has been in a relationship with her husband, and I've never seen her in a relationship with her husband.
Parents always feel that their children married to their hearts only solid, children's life is perfect, but ignored the countless children's heart real feelings.
When a person is always pushed to the tip of that topic, always be prompted to get married over and over again, his urgent need for marriage is probably just an illusion.
So there are so many people, they forget the feeling of love, give up the process of enjoying love, forget the beauty of waiting, and forget that marriage is the home of love. In their world, marriage is no longer a topic of love, but a realistic and urgent task.
But, my dear, please don't be deprived of your right to find true love by those urgent moods and noisy voices.
We don't need to judge our own lives by other people's standards of judgment. If you're not ready yet, and you still hope to meet that right person, please don't be in a hurry. What's meant to be will always come, don't miss the chance to meet him because you're in a hurry. Find someone who feels ? almost? s marriage is irresponsible for yourself and for the other person.
Quite a few people end up thinking: ? Marry early, figure a quiet? ,? Conditions are about the same, can be? In fact, these ideas are wrong? Even if you rush to get married because of the urging of your parents and relatives, your life will not be quiet. Because marriage is not the end, but a new beginning. Those friends and relatives of yours? The ones who pushed you to get married in the first place? They're bound to harp on you for something else, and with the beginning of marriage comes a steady stream of new problems in your life.
Happiness doesn't need to be defined by others, and the person you marry shouldn't be just a? almost? The only thing that you need to do is to get a good deal on your own. Why should you lower your requirements? As we get older and our horizons improve, the quality of what we seek in a significant other should not only be less and less, but more and more.
Young people look at the wrong person, because they do not understand, can not see what they want to be, older still casually looking for someone to make do, that is not responsible for the family, not responsible for their own, but also for the other party's irresponsibility.
Marriage is not the same as happiness, and there is no such thing as a one-off in life. A good marriage, the need for tolerance, understanding, *** with the same life goals and lifestyle and many other necessary elements, and behind these elements, the most important is the support of love. People who love each other together will still have many conflicts, not to mention two people together? Waiting for the wedding hustle and bustle of the past, leaving you and him, into a deep silence, you then find that he is far from the one you want to be with each other until old age, it is too late.
The prose about describing the marriage of the selected article 3: the marriage of this small matter of lifeNot everyone is suitable for marriage. This is something that needs to be made clear first.
Those square dance moms put on a bitter face, carrying a heart to move right and wrong, nothing to read, ? You can't be alone for the rest of your life, right? This sentence is like an overdone mantra. She can't be alone for the rest of her life, so the end of her life now is taking her little grandchildren to a square dance. You don't have to be like them in a big way.
Marriage is a small thing. That's the second thing that needs to be made clear.
Those who claim that marriage is ? a big event in life? How many elders have you seen living this life? So, try to lol when you should lol, it works as well as reboot.
At this age, the marriage has been married, want to divorce are one step ahead. The remaining friends and classmates who are not yet married are often discussed in the group, and those who love to talk about this topic are like discussing a national issue, feeling that other people's marriages have a kind of magical feeling that is both distant and close to them. The person being discussed is full of anxiety, and the person initiating the discussion is excited. But I don't see anyone really figuring out what marriage is all about. We're still in a state of scarcity anxiety, scrambling for resources rather than taking things as they come, and that includes finding someone to marry, of course.
Marriage, in fact, is nothing more than a relationship. It is not an instinctive need, and unlike eating, drinking, and breathing, it is by no means necessary for everyone. Only too many people do not understand this. Some people love spicy food, some people love sweet food, Szechuan food has become mainstream, and people are forcing those sweet eaters to find a Szechuan restaurant and get a lifetime card. The people who are pulling you together feel that they are carrying out redemptive acts of kindness, while you yourself realize that, after escaping the clamor of persecution with a compromise, you have only just navigated the signs of running towards tragedy. But the people performing the act of kindness have long since snapped and are nowhere to be found.
We should think about these issues in reverse, we can positively see some of the truth, for example, if the divorce does not mean failure, then the marriage does not symbolize the success of life. People who urge others to hurry up and get married when they have nothing better to do have the quaint value of seeing pairing people up as setting things right.
Why do so many people force their children and even those they don't know to get married with a pained expression? In fact, it may not be just marriage that these people are forcing, they are accustomed to putting everything ? Different? They are used to forcing everything to be the same. They are used to forcing everything to be the same. For people who have been brought up to believe that they have to be in the majority in order to survive, living differently and making different choices is frightening, and these people are so used to a kind of group-fuck normality that they feel morally obligated to help anyone who is labeled as a maverick to get their life back on track. It's a hard line in their blood and bones. So the people who are pushing for marriage aren't pushing you, they just can't get past their own hurdle. They need you as an intermediary to complete a step of self-regulation.
After you understand this, you'll know that you can't convince them, and don't let them change you, so avoiding it is the best way. Don't be embarrassed. Being kind doesn't mean being fiddled with. Remember, all the people who force you to live a life you don't wish for are bad people, no matter how kind they look. They won't pay for your future, and when the day comes that you need to make good on the mistakes they've made on you yourself, those people won't show up to help you, they'll just hide away and use your pain as the freshest talking point in a life of mediocrity. Objectively speaking, they don't do it on purpose either, it's just that their habits dictate such a lifestyle.
Understand this step, and you'll get rid of some of your worries. Then, do a self-assessment to see if you're a good fit for marriage. Ask yourself this whether you are in an intimate relationship or not.
Marriage is when two adults decide to live together and share their lives. There is nothing else. Don't glorify it, and there is no need to vilify it. What with all the lame metaphors about family being a gentle harbor or marriage being the grave of love, let's leave them in the 1990s issue of Knowing Magazine.
Things to ask yourself include, first, can you allow your individuality to be minimized? Marriage is never additive, it's a fusion, which dictates that on many things, the person who recognizes the relationship must make compromises. Any relationship that successfully gets along is the result of compromise, and marriage is never an exception.
Second, what do you want from marriage? Some people want to rely on a marriage relationship to get a more decent material life, some people want to get a sense of security and not alone. Whether the former or the latter, it is a misunderstanding of marriage. Whether it's money or warmth, marriage can't achieve it for you permanently. The only solution to your financial freedom is yourself or your parents who are related to you by blood. Marriage is intimate, but it fizzles out and can be much more complete than you think. It's cruel, but the truth. And to get not alone, not even your parents can not give, can only rely on your own, that is an effective mechanism of psychological adjustment, need to learn to face and accept the reality, in that case, how can the marriage give you this inner system?
Third, what can you give? Don't think that marriage is an ending, after the knot all is well. It is actually the beginning of a brand new relationship to deal with. Essential skills include, acceptance of all the halo broken possible, know how to deal with trivial things, must be patient, to understand that not because of the closeness of the relationship, in the emotional synchronization, you are happy when the other person may happen to be sad, you do not want to talk when the other person happens to be excited, to learn to accept and deal with the normality of the emotional gears of the misalignment.
Well, if you can accept this, marriage is still a good relationship for you, and if you can't accept it at all, let others say what they want, and learn to be responsible for yourself.
So, when is marriage right for you? When you think it's a small thing.
Chinese culture and traditional context? The Chinese culture and traditional context of "life event"? s this rhetoric is so bad that its grandiose narrative almost renders the changes that come with marriage almost hyperbolic. It fills people with unrealistic longings or fears about marriage.
Most people are at a marriageable age when they are in transition, between independence and semi-independence, not yet fully mature or worldly, with a clear view of the world but no idea of what it really looks like. At this time, it is necessary to carry out what has been called a "life event". Life's major event? And you are the irreplaceable protagonist. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands dirty.
Marriage is an adjustment of the state of life, not a complete disconnection from the past and re-implantation of a new system. It doesn't have this subversive thing. You'll find that getting married doesn't create any qualitative changes in your own ideas, much less grow an extra head. So you have to grow up and gradually make yourself understand that marriage is really a small thing in life, and that the moment when you stop approaching it with a mindset that is heading towards sanctity, solemnity, and self-patriotization is the moment when it is really appropriate to walk into it.
And it's interesting to note that it's when you really feel that it's a small thing in life that it means, in a way, that you become an adult.
Marriage, which must be a matter of two adults, is not an adulthood in the legal sense of age, but an adulthood on a psychological level. Unlike the legal requirement, psychological maturity varies from person to person, and it's no exaggeration to say that some people are still children at thirty. The connotation of adulthood includes, economic independence, spiritual self-reliance, know how to deal with people in the world peace, but also know how to maintain the inner personality, the spirit of the inner boundaries of the solid, stable values, know how to enjoy the freedom at the same time understand the self-discipline, know the tolerance of others, for their own aversion to the people and things, will be used in a suitable and decent way to refuse; for the love of things, know that they strive to obtain rather than ask others to buy for They will be able to pay for it themselves. Such a person will not be too bad. But if you look around you, how many of them can really meet these requirements?
China's culture and education system have had the disastrous effect of desperately trying to suppress all signs of adulthood from teenagers to adolescents, from parents to schools to society, whether it's mental discipline or physical abstinence. But how is it possible that when they reach a popularly recognized marriageable age, they are immediately catapulted into maturity, as if overnight they must become a spiritually mature and responsible man or woman?
In a way, many of the disastrous endings of Chinese marital relationships are the aftermath of such foci. Before they could mature, they were thrust into a relationship that required a mature mind to achieve. Leaving aside the deeper spiritual training and talking about the most practical life, the vast majority of young people in most cities, except for a few special immigrant cities in the north, the vast majority of young people in most other cities, lack a period of experience of living alone. They transition directly from their families of origin to two-person families, but the process of living alone, of trial and error, of searching, of self-correction, of engaging with the real world on their own, is so important, so necessary, that it has been artificially and completely removed from their lives. Sometimes for financial reasons, sometimes because of China's uniquely repressive principle of infantilizing adults. The family of origin is at the root of some of these tragedies. Young people are thrown into marriages without ever experiencing the process of real uprooting and growth. In a way, many of the tragedies of Chinese marriages are two children playing house, not two adults living their lives.
The essence of marriage needs to be emphasized and understood over and over again: two adults decide to **** together and share their lives. This means, know how to respect each other, do not try to change each other into their own imagination, how he is, after the marriage is how, do not fantasize that after the marriage he will change into the way you imagine, that is not exist in the imaginary fantasy, life is to be built on reality, not built on fiction. As well, it is also important to understand that tolerance and trust are no longer concepts, but something that permeates a trivial matter.
As a relationship with binding obligations, there is an inevitable curve of descent that points to blandness. This is another thing to be soberly and mentally prepared for at the beginning of a marriage. It is not in keeping with the laws of biological evolution to retain a strong passion for someone forever. Most of the time, getting along, is tame. Dramatic imagery of the marriage relationship will only break you between hot love and loathing. That's not the truth of life.
There is never a savior, and marriage is even less so. It can't save you from loneliness, and it can't make the not-good-enough you better. What you have to do is make yourself an adult first, make yourself strong enough, and then live with someone who is also an adult and equally strong inside to be truly happy. If it's always one party saving the other and one party depending on the other, that's called charity, not marriage.
Marriage is not a necessity, not a symbol of a complete life, not a grave of love, not a harbor of tenderness, it is an interpersonal relationship, a small thing in life.
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