Marquez has an analogy where he says that our parents are the curtain that separates us from death. It's only when your parents die that this curtain is lifted and you can see directly what death really is.
Last April Fool's Day, my mother left me. To this day, I still don't dare to watch her videos or listen to her voice, for fear of hitting that emotional switch that hides underneath the positive routine. Thoughts are everywhere, in every unintentional turn of the mind. Even though the new life is gradually getting on track, it still can't get rid of the eternal regret that the "favorite person is not present".
My mother's departure shattered and reshaped my life.
Anchored by Xia Yi and accompanied by Cheng Bi's "Song of Guardianship" and Wuna's "Four Seasons"
Written by Zhang Jieying
Designed and Edited by Eden
This is the first time that we've seen a movie about a woman's life in the United States, and it's been a long time coming. > 01.
When I was growing up, my father was practically absent, and my mother was the backbone of the family: in charge of the family finances and all the household chores with one hand. In her hard work and thriftiness, the days were not rich, but well organized. When I was a child, I cried when anyone hugged me, but as soon as my mother hugged me, I immediately put away my tears. It was the companionship of her best efforts that planted a full seed in my young heart.
Luckily, I have a capable but not strong mother. Life to me in every possible way, apples are cut into slices, inserted toothpicks, sent to my mouth ...... So, I have more time to enjoy the spiritual world, reading books, playing the piano, flower arrangement ...... friends in the eyes of the "do not eat The reason for this is that she has helped me clean up the mess of life behind her.
Mom has a pair of hands, for me to weave a lot of beautiful sweater; she is also very good at cooking, every time outside the restaurant to eat delicious dishes, she will think of going home to try, the dinner table always appeared to let me even call delicious new products. Every time I go home from work, I can smell the aroma of food coming out of the house,
The work is peaceful, from the factory to the retirement, many times was awarded the 38 red flag. The education of me is also: a job, down-to-earth work, do not always think of jumping around.
Mom is a good person, a lot of friends, like to dance, like flowers and green clothes, like to take pictures, super POSE, she is in the place, the atmosphere must be happy. Her interactive personality is something I envy but can't learn from her. When I was a child, she taught me to dance three steps and four steps, the rhythm and body with the pleasure, the freedom of limbs, so that I also instantly fell in love with dance. Later, she sent me to Little Flower Star to learn dancing, and had the opportunity to be on TV often. Understanding the music, understanding the role, dress up, perform on stage, for the beauty of the enlightenment, largely from that time.
02.
Life is unpredictable, and when I was in fifth grade, something happened that changed my life forever.
At my cousin's 10th birthday party, the guy at the next table, drunk as he was, ran in and smashed the birthday cake on our table for no apparent reason, and an action-movie brawl ensued - screams, broken glass, and smashing of things all mixed up into one big mess of "Run away! "Someone shouted, I was caught off guard and followed the crowd towards the door to run ...... a moment, I could not see out of my left eye, I used my hand to touch down, my hand was covered in blood, until out of the hotel, no one found me with a face full of blood, my mother found me and immediately took a taxi to send me to the hospital.
On the cab, I comforted her emotional outburst: "Mom, do not cry, I can not see in one eye, there is another eye it." At that time, I did not know where to get the courage to say such a thing, may be the child's "ignorance is fearless" it.
Later, after two major surgeries, the doctor suggested removing the eyeballs, and my mother wrote "no" on the pre-operative notice to save my eyeballs. After the surgery, I regained my weak vision, which was regarded as a miracle by the doctors. But the lack of eyeballs and the scars left by the surgery have affected my appearance forever. Since then, I have gone from being praised by my teachers and classmates for my good looks to being lamented by everyone.
The doctor took care of no strenuous exercise, so I became a spectator in the school's gym class. I couldn't dance anymore, I didn't have the halo of the stage, I wore discolored glasses, and I didn't dare to look directly at people. When I went to college, my mother helped me choose the "accounting profession", in her concept, do financial security, all companies need, the older the more popular, the most critical point is, do not need to deal with people.
The only daughter is the mother's heart of the tip of the meat. After the eye injury, my mother was extra careful with me, fearing that I would have any more failures. Because of her excessive nervousness, I have risen my rebellious heart. When I left my mother in college, I completely let myself go, learned the guitar, wrote songs, performed in livehouses, and fell in love, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was a "normal person" and didn't need to be taken care of.
After graduation, I did 7 years of finance, the first job in the state-owned enterprises, the second job in the listed real estate companies, Lujiazui CBD, welfare good treatment. However, I am very resistant to doing repetitive work on computers and numbers every day. In my spare time, I water my spiritual garden by participating in various activities - listening to live music, going to exhibitions, organizing indie music performances, volunteering for hospice care, and learning floriculture, so as to build up a skill for my career change.
03.
One day, two years after studying floriculture, I read an article on WeChat called "I Long for a Meaningful Job" by Zhang Yuelan, and forwarded it to my mom. This is my usual brainwashing tactics during that time, including recommending her to watch "Odd Man Out", and I want to let my mom understand what young people think now through these "social voices", and understand me better.
When I left the office, I received a 500-word reply from my mom, who said:
"Don't get hung up on it, do what you like, what's interesting, what's meaningful. Mom loves you! I hope you are happy every day, mom is willing to bear all the unhappiness for you."
Tears flowed as I read. Since a year, has been strongly opposed to my resignation of the mother, finally expressed full support for me, imagine her wearing presbyopia glasses, to the phone screen straining by handwriting to type this word, full of love and worry about me, tears broke the dike.
When I was ready in every way, my mother's support helped me in my final push. I took a deep breath and felt that a certain ripe moment had arrived. The next day, I submitted my resignation.
When my mother was there, I was always a cared for and pampered child, who could be capricious and fearless, and could moonlight in style, because I knew that there was dependence behind any situation. Although it is to do financial, but I have little concept of money, on the house car insurance and so on I am more scornful.
The Moon and Sixpence is a book that had a profound impact on me, "My heart yearns for a more thrilling life. I was ready to step onto rocky cliffs and run to reef-strewn beaches as long as there was change - change and unforeseen excitement - in my life." Beauty is faith, and for faith, I'm willing to risk it all.
After quitting my job I started my own business, an ideal humanist flower store. As it turned out, the money burned through and the store was not yet profitable, so I had to go back to work again. This time, I found a floral startup that had just received venture capital, and although my salary was much lower than that of a financier, my heart was full of joy when I was accompanied by flowers and plants and creativity every day, and if I could live my life like this, I would be satisfied.
Until fate struck me the hardest.
04.
For a while, my mother was often nauseous, especially when she was hungry. I went to the hospital for a gastroscopy, and I can't forget the doctor's furrowed brow as he handed me the report. A few days later, the results of the immunohistochemistry came out, and my mother pushed open the door to my room and told me it was stomach cancer. I was dumbfounded, how could it be? The first time I saw this was when I was a student at the University of California, Berkeley, and the second time I was a student at the University of California, Berkeley.
After the dismay, I had to face the reality, and my mom soon underwent surgery. The first time I saw this was when I was a student at the University of California, Berkeley, and the second time I was a student at the University of California, Berkeley, and the third time I was a student there. The positive margins meant that the surgery was not clean, and this unexpected result tormented me like a time bomb, but I kept my mouth shut and didn't tell my mother. I knew that sooner or later there would be a recurrence, and the chief of internal medicine at the Fudan Cancer Hospital told me that the median survival period of one year would not be a miracle.
I couldn't accept such a "death sentence", so I searched the whole Internet, joined a number of patient groups, and organized a variety of the latest therapies and effective remedies tried by patients, and did my best to find, even if there is only a glimmer of hope. In addition to traditional surgery and radiotherapy, I have tried hydrogen inhalation, new antigen vaccines, traditional Chinese medicine, pd1, and targeted drugs, all of which have been tried.
Every time I get a review report, it's a huge psychological challenge. I have to pace back and forth for a few minutes to do the psychological construction before I dare to get the report, before I dare to look at it, for fear of any sign of relapse. At that time, I would also secretly blame God, why did you torture me like this? I have given me so many sufferings.
After she got sick, my mom relied on me a lot and trusted every decision I made for her. She felt sorry for me for worrying and running around for her illness. I felt sorry for her as she was tortured by the treatment process and lost weight day by day. Cancer for a family, not only is the physical and mental test, but also a double blow to the economy, moving tens of thousands of targeted drugs, immunosuppressants, are used to renew their lives. Imported anti-cancer drug pd1 once 38,000, 10% chance of effect, use or not? This is tantamount to a deep soul torture.
I even thought of launching a water drop fundraising, my mother stopped me, she said that even if it is difficult to reach out to ask friends and relatives for money, the big deal is not treated.
At that moment, I finally realized the importance of money. It turns out that money is self-respect, and it is also the hope of life. In the past, I was obsessed with the pursuit of idealism and belittled the role of money, and the reality, gave me a resounding slap in the face.
Until the relapse, my mother was very strong. After stopping chemotherapy, the body feels better, she thought she had regained her health, but also drove a battery car to buy food, change the pattern for me to prepare three meals a day. I learned to cook with her and wanted to record her recipes one by one, thinking that I would always be able to keep something.
Unfortunately, it wasn't long before she found out about the bone turn. As the pain intensified, the effect of painkillers on the nerves, so that the former breadwinner of the family gradually turned into a willful child, hoping that there is always someone around, for which I had to quit my job. The last two weeks, due to the inability to get out of bed, can only be inserted into the urinary catheter.
When I was a child, my mother pulled me up by the handful. On the coldest snowy days, when the buses stopped running, she carried me four stops and sent me to the daycare center. One day, when I was serving my mother, who was at the end of her life in a hospital bed, I suddenly understood the whole meaning of the continuation of life and the cycle of reincarnation.
At that moment, I gave up on the idea of being a Dink. Death is horrible, but the companionship of a child and the continuity of life make it less horrible.
In her last days, my mother told me about the eye injury, and the guilt that accompanied her until the end of her life. She also left all her savings to me and told me to keep the money she left me, because there was a lot of money to be spent in the future.
I received my mother's life savings, and my heart was heavy. This is her umbrella for my future life, even if she is no longer there, this money can give me shelter at an important point in my life.
05.
My mom never pushed me to get married and told me from her own experience, "It's better to be alone than to be married to the wrong person."
I was never anxious about marriage, but I didn't realize that it was this mentality that made me meet the right person at the lowest point in my life. We chatted for a long time on WeChat, the first meeting felt very compatible, the second meeting I took him to see his mother in the hospital bed, mom was very satisfied with him, although with an oxygen mask, the eyes are shining.
Two weeks later, my mother passed away, he accompanied me through the funeral, and a year later, we got a license.
From surgery, chemotherapy, immunotherapy, Chinese medicine, targeted drugs, radiotherapy, to the final palliative care, 13 months, the miracle of life ultimately did not happen, but the love, in another way to continue.
My father and I, from the two life white, began to learn laundry, learning to cook, learning to sew, learning to manage money ...... lamented the mother in and out of the home was like heaven and earth. What fabrics can't be thrown into the washing machine? What is the difference between soy sauce and dark soy sauce? How do you cut a hobnail? How to pay for water, electricity and coal ...... from helpless to fully on board, I completed a real sense of mitzvah.
If I have my own children in the future, I will let TA learn to be independent from a young age. This is the lesson I learned from my mother, the real love, not for TA to do more, but when I leave, TA can still take care of themselves.
The process of coming out of the hurt, love is credited. Every weekend, he would take me to the landscape to feel the healing power of nature. In a sense, love can save a person.
After collecting the good mood, facing the re-employment of the choice of the question. At this moment, I y appreciate the importance of money, and will not again ignore the reality of the pursuit of the so-called ideal. I'm not willing to go back to finance, and the low income of the floral industry is not suitable for me at this stage. In the past year, I was y aware of the impact of a serious illness on a family, and finally chose the asset allocation industry in the hope that I can use my personal experience to help more people.
Losing my mother was probably the hardest pain an ordinary person can feel in their life, and I endured night after night of not being able to sleep.
It's been a year since then, and after experiencing the loss of my mom, it's easier to look at everything. I am still grateful for my destiny, grateful to my mother, with her abundant love, so that my inner never lack, to the sun; also grateful to God, in the darkest moments of my life, sent an angel, gave me the greatest support within.
The year my mother fell ill, I shed all the tears of my life. Every day in the future, I want to smile to face, to feel the warm wind, gentle clouds, the gift of time and the embrace of the love of my life.
May all the wounds in the world be healed by love.
Me and my mother.
This article is written by Joyce Zhang, a FIRE practitioner, an insurance agent and a lover of literature.
The images in this article are all provided by the author, and the flower arrangement illustrations in this article are the floral works of Zhang Jieying, the copyright belongs to the original author.
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