She sometimes says, "I went to play with Mix", "I went to class today" and "I went to the hospital today". ...
Sometimes her story is really what happened that day, but sometimes it is not. Her father sometimes reminds her with a smile: "You didn't go to class today. Don't lie. "
Oh, my God, is this a child lying? Of course not!
Babies aged 2-3 just can't tell fantasy from reality. They have no idea that they are lying or why they can't make up stories. Please don't label children, let alone blame and punish them, because it is meaningless and even counterproductive.
In fact, there are many parents and friends around me, like my children's fathers, who are afraid that their children will learn to lie and be dishonest. For example, Mom Doudou left me a message behind WeChat saying,
"My child lied to me today that his homework was finished, and he went out and ran a big circle. When he came back in the evening, he found that he was making up his homework. Tell me, how did the child learn to be full of unknown addresses and lie without blushing? "
Juanzi, what do you think I should do?
2
◆ ? Every child can lie.
Parents, don't worry, I'd better show you a research report first:
Professor Li Kang, a developmental psychologist at the University of Toronto, has been studying children's lying for 20 years. Li Kang's team found that 30% of 2-year-old children will lie, and by the age of 3, the lying rate will reach 50%. After the age of 4, almost all children will lie.
Yes, every child can lie. So, you don't have to be afraid to lie for your child. Relax and listen to me slowly.
◆ ? Lying has nothing to do with the initial quality, it is a stage of children's mental development, so there is no need to make a fuss.
I don't know if you have seen Friends, but I remember an episode that was particularly funny. It says that Rachel, Phoebe, Ross and others found out the love secret of Monica and Chandler, so they started a secret game of "Oh, I know you know" and "Oh, I know you and he don't know", lying to each other and "testing and flirting" with each other.
In fact, Monica and Chandler didn't reveal the secret of their relationship to their friends, but chose to lie to hide it. No malice. Friends also joined the game of "lying" to each other. They thought that "I know you know" was a very funny thing, so "lying" here had nothing to do with quality and morality.
In the same way, almost every child will lie after the age of 4, but lying is only a psychological development stage of the child's initial irrelevant quality, and it is only a "sensitive period of lying".
A study by Professor Li Kang, a developmental psychologist from the University of Toronto, found that behind children's lies of "I know but you don't know" is the sprout of children's self-awareness. He is no longer limited to distinguishing you and me in concrete things, but also in abstract information. He also understands what "I know you don't know" means. He gradually feels that he is an independent and unique existence, and enjoys this growing sense of accomplishment, and occasionally "can't help" or "deliberately" use it.
Here's a little secret for you. It is not easy for children to enter the sensitive period of lying.
Researchers at the University of Sheffield in the United Kingdom have found that successful lying requires children to have executive functions. This is a complex set of skills, including memory processing, self-control and planning ability. Children need to hide the truth, make up another story, remember it firmly (not inconsistent), and control their expressions to look natural and not easy!
In the sensitive period of lying, children try to organize more convincing language, create more natural facial expressions and weave more reasonable illusions, so as to construct successful lies. At this stage, children's language expression, logical reasoning and self-control ability have been greatly developed.
The sensitive period of lying is only a stage of children's self-awareness and self-practice. If you can understand and give support at this stage and guide with appropriate methods, you can let your children observe faster and express more clearly. On the contrary, it can let the child pass through the sensitive period smoothly and let him have a rational personality of seeking truth from facts.
Knowing this, will you make a fuss about children who have nothing to do with quality, and will you accuse and scold children?
three
At this time, you may have to say it again, so why do some children form the bad habit of "lying"?
Then I want to ask you, have you ever thought that you might "force" your child to do this!
At the beginning of the article, is it because children want to play, but they can't "lie down", so they have to "lie down"? Fortunately, Doudou is still a very conscious child and knows how to make up his homework at night. I think it's good.
Children are not born to lie. Once they lie, the reason is similar to ours. They just want to escape punishment, afraid of disappointing their parents, and what do they want? ...
As long as there is no incentive, there is no need for children to lie and embarrass themselves! Yes, children lie, not as if nothing happened, but in fact it is very painful.
So, when you were young, did you lie? What is the reason? How are your parents treating you? Are you a liar now?
Tell you the story of my childhood.
More than 20 years ago, when I was in the first grade of primary school, I only had one experience of lying, which is still fresh in my memory.
I was selected as a member of the school dance team when I was in primary school. There are eight people. Every day after school, my friends will practice dancing together for an hour. After practice, my father will pick me up at the east gate of the school on time by bike.
One day, the teacher suddenly had something to do and the dance class was cancelled. Dad hasn't arrived yet, so my friends decided to go to the surrounding small park together. As a result, they forgot the time. When I arrived at the east gate of the school, I couldn't see my father. So he hurried to the north gate of the school to find him, but he couldn't find his father.
It's getting dark, all my friends are gone, and there is almost no one at the school gate. I was a little scared, crying and squatting at the school gate to continue waiting for my father.
At that time, my home was far from school, and it took about half an hour to walk home at the speed of a primary school student. To tell the truth, I don't even remember how I got home. Anyway, I waited around and didn't see my father. I should have crustily skin of head and cried all the way home
Just entering the door of the family members' hospital, I saw my father riding a bicycle and coming out in a hurry. Obviously, he was very angry and felt that his hair was going to explode. I dare not look at his face.
Dad choked back his anger and asked me, "where have you been so late?" Why don't you wait for me at the school gate? "
At that time, I was too scared to speak, and finally I whispered, "It's too late to practice dancing today."
Unexpectedly, when my words came out, my father punched me on the back, and I burst into tears in an instant. The uncles and aunts who came in and out at the door of their families' homes came to persuade them, "If you have something to say, don't hit the children, Xiao Juan, don't cry, don't cry."
I remember when I was crying, my father scolded me angrily and said:
"Son, I know I lied. I ran to your school to pick you up and looked for you four or five times. The teacher said there was no class today. Do you still dare to lie? What if I get lost? "
I still remember it vividly, as if it happened yesterday. From then on, I never lied again!
Dad hit me for lying. To tell the truth, I don't hate him at all, because I know my father is worried about me and really anxious to do that.
What I want to say is that I was a child at that time, and I was definitely not a "lying" bad boy as my father said. I blurted out "lies" subconsciously because I was really afraid that my father would be punished more. ...
four
I don't know if you have found out that children's lying is related to their parents' strict management. I know very well that my father was very strict with me since I was a child, afraid of being scolded for saying the wrong thing. If my mother is on a business trip for a few days and my father and I are alone, I will be particularly nervous and cautious in those days.
I still remember that once a guest came to my house and I went to make a cup of tea. I accidentally dropped the cup and broke it. I was so nervous. Fortunately, my father said, "Nothing. If I don't break it all the time, all the teacups will go out of business. "
Dad's understanding immediately eased my nervousness, otherwise I would try to make up some "lies" such as "my hands are too slippery" and "my cat is broken"
You see, parents are too strict, which will cause children to be constantly nervous and unbalanced. In order to escape punishment, realize their wishes or achieve balance, they will lie. If a child has a bad habit of telling lies, it must be something wrong with his growing environment.
Many people are used to blaming children for their conduct problems, so they are used to blaming children, but in fact, children's conduct habits are so dependent on their parents' education methods. When parents consider changing their children, the starting point should always be how to change their educational methods. If you don't think so, you'll never find a way to change your child.
Are you the parent who can't tolerate any mistakes and criticisms in life? Have you thought about it carefully? In fact, making mistakes is a compulsory course for children to grow up. It's sad that children make mistakes. Parents' understanding can often make children remember lessons better than criticism.
Lying is usually associated with thick skin. Suhomlinski said, "Shamelessness comes from refusing to fulfill one's promise". He lied so many times that he couldn't tell which sentence was true and which was false, and a person's morality began to degenerate.
"Don't tell lies" is the basic guarantee of happiness in life. No matter how successful a person is by secular standards, he is not a happy person in essence, because his morality has been hanging in the air.
Therefore, please believe that "lying" is definitely not something that our children are willing to do.
To take a step back, if our children once develop the bad habit of "lying", we should not and do not need to blame or even punish them from a moral height. Please stand in the position of understanding, sympathy and tolerance for children and feel the pain, entanglement and fear behind their seemingly relaxed "lying".
Then, please control your emotions, analyze the ins and outs behind "lying" rationally and calmly from the perspective of helping children solve problems, and start from the crux to solve the fundamental problem.
Please remember that blaming, beating and punishing will not make children more honest, but will only make things worse. On the contrary, your trust, understanding and support will make your child want to be a better and more open person!
WeChat official account Juanzi mother tells stories.