She remembered his voice. Gentle, with a little brooding sharpness. In the days of calling Rin, it was this man who shared an apartment with Rin who sometimes came to answer the phone. A man from the north. A former coworker of Lin's.
City said that Lin had to work overtime temporarily at night. He smiled at her. In the bright, murky air of the lobby, the girl in the pink floral dress, tired and quiet, like a fragrant flower opening in the shadows. Alone, dragging her heavy baggage, she had come to join a man who loved her.
They walked to the door. The sky was drizzling with the fine spring night rain, hitting their faces cold. When he helped her open the door of the TAXI, he stretched out his big hand to block her head. Nuan Nuan, wait a moment. He said. When he ran back again, he was holding a large bouquet of pure white perfumed lilies. Lin instructed me to buy flowers for you, I thought you would like lilies. He placed the rain-stained bouquet in her arms.
He smiled with snow-white teeth, like some kind of beast. Warm and cruel. The light brown shirt had a row of round wooden buttons. It was Nuan's favorite.
The three of them had dinner in the evening. And his girlfriend, Koko.
Xiaoke was a native Shanghai girl, wearing a black dress from Idukin and a light purple rouge. She's not very pretty, but she's got flavor.
Nuan ate something and went to bed early, she was too tired. Lin's quilts and pillows had her unfamiliar and affectionate scent on them. There was also a black and white photo of her on the wall, hand-washed after he had photographed her. Nuan's bright, dark eyes were open with an expression of slight trepidation and vulnerability. Her short, broken hair was flying in the wind, and her smile was innocent. She was a freshman at that time, and Lin was a senior boy in his junior year. He was in hot pursuit of Nuan.
Nuan lay there in a daze, thinking that she was now in a strange city, Lin's city. He had told her to come over, and she had. It was like the first time she met Lin at the Freshman Ball, this articulate, shrewd Shanghai boy who taught her how to dance, and he said put your left hand on my shoulder and your right hand in my heart. And she put her hand in his.
In the middle of the night Lin picked her up, good warmth, to change her dress. He gently kissed her forehead. You finally came to me, Nuan Nuan. In the darkness, they began. Nuan was a little afraid. Fearful and confused. Feeling helpless even in the pain.
She wanted to go to the kitchen to get a drink of water. Without turning on the light. As she walked through the living room, she suddenly heard the sound of the door opening. In came Shiro, who had sent Koko home. In the doorway, she saw Nuan in a white cotton nightgown, standing there in a bit of panic.
There was still the sound of pattering rain outside. The dark and humid air was filled with the fragrance of fresh flowers. It was the large bunch of lilies inserted in a glass vase. The two gazed at each other face to face and suddenly lost their words. The only sound in the silence was the sound of the rain hitting the window.
After what seemed like an eternity, Shiro closed the door and walked quietly past her to his own room.
April 1999 She played some soft, watery music. The silence of it.
Warmly life began to go on.
Early in the morning Lin had to rush from Pudong to Puxi to work, and then sometimes returned late at night. He was doing very well in that German company. Work had become his greatest pleasure. The rest was the occasional early night, playing games on the computer after dinner, then suddenly shouting out loud, Nuan Nuan, my baby, come over here and let me give you a kiss.
City had taken a job and had been working at home on the computer. It was often just the two of them at home, sometimes Xiao Ke would come over, but she didn't like to cook. So Nuan Nuan's main thing every day was to cook, for City at lunch and for the two men at night.
The door to his room was open when Cheng was writing programs. He liked to wear a very old white shirt and jeans, barefoot and buried in work there, drinking lots of coffee. The room always smelled strongly of Blue Mountain coffee beans. Warmly at noon, he would probe in and ask him what he wanted to eat. Gradually there was no need to ask him anymore. Knowing that he liked celery and potatoes. She made him very clean vegetables. When eating, both of them don't like to talk. But there is a very strange tacit understanding. Both are very quiet in their hearts.
City felt the scent of this girl in the room. Sometimes she was alone on her knees scrubbing the floor, sometimes doing laundry, humming softly as she did so. She liked to play soft music, usually some Irish dance and ballad. Then when she was done, she sat alone in a large wicker chair on the balcony reading a novel. She was one of those girls who looked over particularly clean, without any ambition or desire. Just like her black and white photos. Silent, not belonging to this noisy world.
Ke told City that Nuan Nuan should be a traditional kind of girl, but she was doing an avant-garde thing. Cohabitation.
City said, "She's not like you. She's the kind of girl who doesn't know what she wants.
May 1999 It seemed he was destined to wait for her so quietly. In the twilight twilight of a crowded city.
City went to Puxi in the afternoon to run some errands. When Nuan went out to buy groceries, she habitually didn't bring her key. Shut herself out.
Call Cheng on his cell phone. Cheng said, Nuan Nuan why don't you come out for dinner. Don't do it, Lin has to work late at night anyway. They arranged to meet at Huaihai Road. When Nuan took the bus through the tunnel, she realized that she had been in Shanghai for almost a month and Lin had never taken her out.
The twilight of the silent spring dusk. The streets were crowded with people in a hurry. When Nuan got off the bus, she put on a little lipstick in the mirror. She was still wearing the floral cotton dress that she had brought with her. The soft skirt hit her bare calves with a faintly frustrated mood.
City waited at the entrance of Parkson. From a distance in the crowd, he was the kind of man who was quiet and vaguely sharp. Nuan recalled that when she was in college, she enjoyed reading Yishu's novels. There were three books that were very well written, People are Light as a Chrysanthemum, Xibao and Lianhuan. What Yishu wrote was not a cheesy romance novel. She has a lonely and thorough understanding of love and human nature. Nuan likes the men in her writing. With destined passion and melancholy. Like Lu Xun's wound. Juan Sheng. She used that name. Few men have those things anymore. They're gradually becoming animals in the business world. Lin, for example. He gradually made Nuan feel strange.
But the way Shiro waited for her. Reminded her of their first meeting at the airport. The familiar feeling. It seemed like he was destined to wait for her quietly like this. Nuan suddenly felt tears in her eyes.
City took Nuan to her favorite fruit pizza. In the Pizza Hut pizza store, Nuan sidled up and happily ordered orange juice and salad. She was like an unattended child. Lonely and pitiable. City watched her quietly. He experienced the difference between girls. Koko was independent and shrewd, always purposeful. But Nuan was ambiguous and fragile. She was like a pure white, fragrant flower blooming in the gloom.
They didn't say much, as before. Just once in a while, Cheng said a little bit about his hometown in the north, and the past of his childhood. Nuan smiled and listened to him. They ate this meal for three hours. Sinking gently into the flowing music, into each other's sights and words.
When they called home, Nuan fell asleep. Her face rested on City's shoulder, breathing softly. Cheng reached out his hand to hold her face, not letting her slide down. While calling her in a low voice, Nuan Nuan, don't fall asleep, we'll be home in a while.
It was on the gloomy staircase of the apartment building, under the pale moonlight, Nuan Nuan saw Cheng's eyes gazing at her, painfully and wanly, full of love and compassion. She was looking at his face so close. A man with a little bit of fallout. His scent, his cotton shirt, his eyes.
Nuan, you make my heart ache, you know. He reached out to caress her cheek. He restrained himself.
Sometimes I get scared. Shiro. It's true. The girl's warm tears dripped onto his palm, and almost instantly, all deliberate and repressed suddenly collapsed. He wordlessly embraced her into his arms, so fiercely and almost roughly that he blocked her lips, trying to block her tears. Nuan, Nuan, Nuan, my silly child.
He buried his face against the nape of her neck, feeling the suffocating passion, the drowning reason and the helpless desire. You are wonderful. Nuan. He whispered. Grow your hair long for me will you. You should be mine.
June 1999 You know you can't take me away. You know we are not free.
Some people are destined to love each other. Nuan thought. Even she wondered if she had met Rin maybe just to be able to meet up with Shiro. Time and heart had nothing to do with it. It was one month to know Shiroyuki. With Lin it was four years.
But they couldn't do anything. It didn't seem like they wanted to do anything either. The payoff was too great to know how to begin. Rin and Koko were not wrong. They weren't wrong either. So when Shiro told her that he had gotten a job and was moving into the unit's dormitory, Nuan nodded softly. She was aware of him. It was all he had to do.
Koko helped City come along to move his things. She said to Nuan, "We've made the first payment on our house, and the keys will be in our hands in half a year. It's good for Cheng to move out now, so that you two can have a good life with no one interfering.
It seemed like the wind was picking up.
City was with them for the last night. Nuan was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Fish, which Lin liked to eat, and celery, which Cheng liked to eat, every day she cooked different flavors for the two men. Lin was still indulging in computer games, Cheng writing programs, and Nuan put a small radio in the kitchen, listening to FM music programs, while looking through the window at the twilight sky, the large gray and purple clouds, and the gradually warming spring breeze. It was times like these that her mind remembered that disorienting night. On the darkened hallway, Castle's domineering, feral scent, the fierce kisses, the gentle pain.
He was a man she could easily fall in love with.
He was someone else's.
At three in the morning, Nuan woke up. You're going to drink water again, Rin said confused in the darkness. He knew it was a habit of Nuan's.
Nuan walked softly barefoot into the living room, she didn't turn on the light. Outside the window there was a big wind noise, the room still had the fragrance of the lily's cool and moist flowers. It was the first day she arrived in Shanghai, Cheng bought it for her. He said you might like lilies. She did like lilies.
She opened the refrigerator and poured a glass of ice water. A hand in the darkness captured her silently but firmly. She knew who it was. They made no sound. There was a soft shudder as he embraced her. He said, Nuan, are we guilty. But heaven should forgive me. Because I love you so much. He pushed her back against the wall. She felt salty tears in his kiss. She whispers, Shing, my hair will grow long soon. You are going to leave me. He said, I can take you away, we are free. She said, you know you can't take me away, you know we are not free. You knew it all along.
July 1999 I know we can't seem to be together
A very quiet life. Two people. The room seemed so much emptier all of a sudden.
While Lin went to work, Nuan was at home doing laundry and reading, still often with soft Irish music playing. On the balcony planted some irises and petunias. Sometimes after watering the flowers, she was alone and lost in the bright sunlight.
The sound of the keyboard is no longer heard in the room. There was no more the man with the short, flat shaved head, sitting barefoot in front of the computer in a very old white shirt and jeans, working. His quiet scent and the rich, clean aroma of Blue Mountain coffee. She often listened reassuringly to the sound of his keyboard while she was on her knees scrubbing the floor. Because one peek and she could see him. He called her name, Nuan. In his northern-accented Mandarin.
No and Lin has been a long time. It turns out that women and men are really different. A woman's heart and body go together. If the heart is not in the body, the body is just an empty pottery. Lin did not force her, he said, Nuan Nuan do you feel very lonely, or go out to find a random thing to do, you can have some socialization. But I really don't feel comfortable with you going out. You always need to be taken care of.
Nuan said, are you looking after me. She had a faint smile on her face, she was someone who didn't express her disappointment or dissatisfaction easily. The days with Lin were indeed lonely. He didn't know what she wanted. Maybe if he knew, he would be more than willing to give it to her. But the thing was, he didn't know. Maybe there would always be questions. He wasn't in the same category as her. Though he loved her.
But Nuan thought she could still have a life with Rin. Just like Shiro would be with Koko.
Maybe after living with Lin for six months or so they could get married. Live a plain and quiet life. Even if it was a little lonely.
In the afternoon, Nuan went out alone and went to the hospital. The weather was already very hot. Nuan took a long car ride and followed the map to find Ruijin Hospital. There were a lot of people, and while sitting on a recliner in the corridor waiting for the number to be called, she bought a pictorial newspaper to read. There was a special report on the pictorial, a bunch of photos of cute little babies, and underneath were their parents' reflections on their births. Nuan found a favorite baby, a little boy, curious and wide-eyed, his mother said, dark and thin, big eyes, like an ET. asked the doctor why it would be so hard to see, the doctor said, has not been dressed. Indeed, it is a very like ET's little baby. Nuan looked at the photo lovingly. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good look at it.
The results of the laboratory tests came out soon. Nuan was not too surprised. The doctor asked her do you want it. Nuan said I'll go back and think about it. When she walked out of the hospital, she held the pictorial tightly in her hand. She thought maybe a boy would have the same fingers and eyes as City. At the phone booth on the side of the road, she called Shiro on her cell phone. She always remembered the phone number. It was the first time she had called him since they had separated. Cheng was in his office, Nuan Nuan was silent on the other end of the phone for a long time, then she said, Cheng, I want to see you. Can you come out.
Still in front of the Parkson store on Huaihai Road. The same twilight color and the same crowd. I saw Cheng from afar, wearing the same old white cotton shirt and jeans. His face was even more handsome and sharp because of his thinness. Nuan thought, this is really a different man from Lin. Lin had given up his sharpness by going to work in a thirty-story building in a suit every day. And a man without sharpness was something that made people feel lonely.
City said, Nuan how are you. He bent his face to look at her. His quiet gaze silently overlaid like water. Nuan could see the wan and pain inside. But in the twilight of dusk, they just looked at each other plainly. Like any two men and women on a date in a crowd.
I'm good. City. It's my birthday today. Nuan looked at him with a sideways smile. Do you want me to buy you a present. I will.
They walked into Parkson. Nuan Nuan walked to the counter selling jewelry and looked at him mischievously, what I like, you can buy me anything ok. City said, no problem, I have my credit card with me. Nuan looked at it for half a day, then pointed to a ring and said, I want this. It was a thin and simple silver ring, it was 20 dollars after discount.
City said, Nuan, I want to buy something else. No, City, we had a deal. I want to buy something else. Nuan nodded helplessly. Then he told the clerk to put it in a purple silk box. As he placed it in Nuan's hand, he said, Marry me, Nuan. He smiled and mimicked the tone of a suitor. Nuan said, okay. Then she saw Shiro's eyes suddenly well up with tears.
How is Koko. Nuan heard her own calm voice. It was in the pizza parlor. The two were sitting by the window, looking at the neon and night colors on the street. She wants me to go to the US for my MBA. her aunt is in California. She keeps asking us to go there. But I didn't like it.
I know. Nuan said, "You are scatterbrained, different from Xiao Ke.
And I don't trust you, Nuan. He lowered his head, Sometimes I wish you'd marry Lin soon so I can be discouraged, but sometimes I worry that you'll be unhappy. You'll be a pain in my heart for the rest of your life. Nuan looked at him with a smile, if I want to go with you, do you want me. Shing held her hand, Nuan, there are many times I dreamt that we were sitting on the train together. I know I am taking you to the north. The road was long, but you were by my side. That was my happiest moment. Even wishing I wouldn't wake up.
Can we, City. Nuan looked at him.
We can, Nuan. If we hold on to each other and can carry all this guilt and pain, we can leave Shanghai and everything. Just the two of us. Shing tightened his grip on her fingers. I've been in fear of losing you. Nuan. No punishment God could have given me would have caused me more pain than this.
They waited for the last subway in the brightly lit subway station.
City said, Nuan, think about it as soon as you can and give me a call. I will handle everything with Lin and Xiao Ke. If I can be with you, I will carry all the sins for you.
Nuan said, ok. She looked at Shiroyuki, and she suddenly felt her fingers go cold and a dull, heavy ache in her heart. Hug me, Shiro, please hug me. Shiro hugged her tightly in the crowd. He pressed her head against his chest and said softly, Nuan, I can't bear this parting anymore, either let me have you for the rest of my life, or let's never see each other again. His fingers stroked the hair on her back, long dark strands, as smooth and soft as satin. Nuan smiled at him, I've worked hard to grow them long, Castle, and I'm going to hold your soul in them. For the rest of your life.
It was late at night when Nuan returned home. Lin was lying asleep on the couch. The suit wasn't off and there were some beer cans piled up on the floor.
Nuan squatted down and ran her hand over his face, then Lin woke up with a start. Nuan, where have you been. I came back from work and for the first time I didn't see you at home, you had me worried.
Rin, I have something to tell you. Nuan looked at him calmly, her face was like a pale and colorful flower, emitting a cool luster in the darkness. I can't be with you anymore. I have a child. It might not be yours. I want to go home.
Lin looked at her in surprise, Why, Nuan, are you messing with me.
No. Nuan said. I don't want us to live inside the shadows, it's not fair to you. If I didn't have kids, I would have wanted to go on like this. But it's different now. If I was still with you, I'd feel like I was the guilty one. But I don't want to live like this. You know that.
I won't tell you any details. I just hope you can forgive me. Because I used to love you. Because I no longer love you.
August 1999 It's always goodbye
The flight home was at 9pm. Nuan was waiting alone in the waiting hall. It was drizzling outside.
She didn't call City. Leaving without saying goodbye might give him and Koko more peace. Even she didn't want to bring herself back to the devastation and hurt she had brought to Rin. She just did what she could. Time would smooth things out.
This moment was peaceful and lonely inside. She was accompanied by the duffel bag she had come in, the silver ring strung on a silk thread around her neck. And a small life. There would not be much time left for it to belong. She gently placed her hand on the body. hi, little et. she smiled and spoke to it, will you say goodbye to me. We have to say goodbye to so many people. Loved ones, unloved ones. Always saying goodbye.
September 1999 Or we shall never meet again
In this familiar city, Nuan resumed her life alone,
At dusk, she often went out for a walk alone. The path along the river went all the way to the railroad tracks on the outskirts of the city. There were large open fields there. Nuan sometimes sat on top of the gravel to look at the clouds drifting in the distance, and sometimes walked through the lush grass, picking a purple daisy from her hand and sticking it in her hair. The long, dark, thick hair had flowed over her shoulders like water.
She felt a silence within her. All the past had settled down. Occasional sleepless nights would bring the sight of Shiro's face, one last time at the subway station, as he rested on the glass door and waved at her before the subway whistled away. The only light on the empty platform was bright. Pale on a bloodless heart. She was alone there in tears.
I can no longer bear to part like this, he said, or let me have you for the rest of my life, or let us never meet.
She could only choose to leave. For not wanting him to carry this sin. She had already carried half of it. And so it was possible to carry the whole.
While in the hospital, she finally let herself loose and allowed herself to cry. And not just because of the pain. She knew she had finally cut away the part of her life that was connected to Castle. They could always be strangers.
She started working at a nearby kindergarten, playing the piano for the little kids on the side and teaching them some children's songs.
Life was simple and silent. The air began to feel crisp and cold from the wind. She often wore washed-out cotton dresses, with no make-up on her face, just long hair like gorgeous satin. Rarely even going out on the streets, she didn't have any social life except for classes and walks. Nor did she know any adult men. Except Lu.
Lu was Roger's father. Roger was the naughtiest boy in his class, and his mother divorced Lu five years ago. Lu told Nuan, Roger always told me that he had a teacher with the most beautiful hair. Nuan smiled as she stood in the sunlight, her white dress and black hair shimmering with a faint sheen. That day they walked out of the kindergarten together. Roger scurried around in front of them. Nuan and Lu walked together on the gravel road, and Lu looked in amazement at the young girl, who looked up leisurely at the clouds without any extra words.
October 1999 To marry, for having grown old for you
A month later, this forty-year-old man said to Nuan, "Would you consider marrying me.
Nuan looked at him. He was very ordinary middle-aged man. She didn't have a deep impression of him. Knew that he was rich, but didn't look tacky or flamboyant. Cut short flat hair, liked to wear black cloth shoes. Didn't like to talk, but could watch her play children's songs on the piano for hours on end.
Nuan said, why. Lu said, I think the biggest difference between you and other girls is that your heart is flat and quiet. That's enough. I've seen a lot of women. When you are beside me, my mood is peaceful.
He looked at the plain girl. I know you must have had unusual experiences, and you can keep everything to yourself without having to say anything to me. I only wish to give you a stable and safe life, and we each get what we need. Don't you think this is the wisest marriage.
His hand gently stroked her long silky hair. Your hair is beautiful and sad. Like your soul. But you can stop here.
The night before the wedding, a cold drizzle fell.
Nuan Nuan opened the long brown cardboard box, inside was Lu's wedding dress bought from Hong Kong. The soft lace and white pearls were what Nuan had fantasized about before. But at that time, she thought the person she was sure to marry was Lin. Lu also ordered a full set of diamond jewelry. He said, that silver ring around your neck has been hanging for a long time. I don't ask you to necessarily replace it. You can wear it.
But it's not too long, just three months. Why does it feel so much like the last century in her mind, Nuan thought. She caressed the tiny silver ring, which was already beginning to dull. It was the only gift Shiro had ever given her. Back then they were on the streets of Shanghai, a strange city, strange people. And a love that was destined to part.
Nuan lost sleep all night long, until the early hours of the morning. Then at three in the morning, suddenly the phone by the bed rang. Nuan thought she was dreaming, while reaching out her hand and picking up the phone receiver in the darkness. In the silent room, only the rustling sound inside the phone could be heard. Then it was a man's northern accent Mandarin. Nuan Nuan. He called her name.
City, is that you. Nuan felt like she still couldn't wake up. She was really too sleepy. But she recognized this voice. Only once she heard it, it would wake up all the memories in her soul. The line wasn't too good, City's voice was muffled and intermittent, he said, Nuan, I'm in California, USA. I was walking down the street when it suddenly started raining heavily.
I thought I could forget you, Nuan. But at this moment, I miss you so much. I felt like you were leaving.
There was indeed still a loud rain on the phone. On the other side of the globe, is the city that won't see you again. Nuan said, "City, I'm going to marry someone. Because I have aged for you.
City cried. Then the phone suddenly cut off.
Nuan put down the phone. She looked at the dark room. She thought to herself that she was really dreaming. Would City have her phone number. But when she touched her face, her hands were full of warm, wet tears.
They never seemed to have a formal goodbye. And every time it was an absolute goodbye.
December 1999 A sinking love. Gone at last.
At Christmas, Nuan received a card from Lin. He said he was ready to get married. Also both Shing and Xiao Ke have left the country.
At the end of the letter, he said, Nuan, I think I can live a new life, I can forget you.
Nuan smiled and stroked the raised cherub pattern on the card. She was starting to gain a little weight, because of the baby, Lu insisted that she no longer be allowed to go out to classes and that she stay home every day.
Roger happily ran around the house, getting ready with Lu to dress up the Christmas tree that had been bought. Lu said loudly in the living room, Nuan, don't forget to drink your milk. Nuan said, I know. This is her married life. Plain and safe. It will last until death.
When she picked up the glass of milk, Nuan smoothly pulled open the curtains and looked outside. Strangely enough, this Christmas, it started to snow in this southern city. It was a small, snowy, clean snowflake, quietly fluttering inside the wind. In the dark and silent night sky of winter.
When Nuan looked at the fluttering snowflakes, suddenly some fragments of memories flashed in her heart. The living room filled with the fragrance of lilies in her apartment in distant Shanghai, the intense kiss of Cheng on the dark hallway, and the flash of Cheng's face through the subway glass, the last time she saw him. The handsome, melancholy northern man, but she remembers his fingers, his eyes, his breath, his voice, vague and tender, reminding her of a sunken love at the end of the century.
But there was no longer any pain in her heart.
He was finally gone.
P.S. Insomnia
Anne Baby
3:00 a.m..
The darkness was so silent that there was no sound.
The gradually stilling rain. The humid air,
and a world that doesn't fit the dream.
Nothing is comfort to an insomniac.
Walking around the room in his pajamas.
Drinking ice-cold water.
Taking three pills.
Looked at my face in the mirror. Pale and withered.
Sinking and indulging brings no expectations.
You think about some of the things you still have. Such as the past and promises.
You think you are sick. Your stomach is as burnt and empty as your soul.
Despair is shadows everywhere.
But in the night you are the flower that has lost its words.
Can't make any sound.
Nor can you sleep.
I don't know if it's ha!
But it's so hard to type ......
Looking forward to it!