Hello, everyone, I'm here to tell you jokes again. At the beginning, I would like to tell you a knowledge point, should many people do not know, "jokes" is the second batch of national intangible cultural heritage list, can't imagine, is not feeling incredible, but it is, do not believe that you go to search for this list.
It is really recommended that you look at the jokes more often, perhaps you can get some inspiration, or simply laugh. It's okay to look at jokes and face life in a positive light.
First, I'll show you the summary table, mainly the statistics of the standard, classification and number of jokes.
Then look at the breakdown of the 72 jokes
Boys
Game (6)
1, so miserable
call your buddy: what's up?
Buddy: watching the kids.
I: sister-in-law?
Buddy sighed weakly: playing DOTA.
2, look at the life
My little nephew, eight years old, love to play the king of glory, I twenty-four, also want to play, the results, I found that playing this game to be mentally prepared, five people Qi on the line, because you do not know when your teammates were his mother to pull away from the homework. Don't get mad, it's all in the hands of fate.
3, all right
Parents said I always play violent and bloody games, when the time comes in reality you have to commit a crime ......
Just when I didn't know how to defend myself.
Side of the sister said: all right, brother also often play the girl game, also did not see him hand over a girlfriend ......
4, brother
Remember the first time to play CF when I encountered open hanging, take AK sweep half a day is not dead, the bullet is almost finished, he suddenly said: "Brother, do not shoot, I am a teammate."
5, protection
University dormitory a buddy just started to play dota, on the platform to play with people, all kinds of scolding ......
One time just went up to send a blood, and someone scolded him, and then he returned a sentence: you men play really good.
After that, a miracle happened, all four teammates surrounded him and protected him from hanging.
6, motion sickness
Recently fell in love with racing handbags, yesterday under a wild car, played an afternoon, suddenly a dizzy head.
I thought to myself: "Crap, what's the situation, and then lie down on the bed.
Then my roommate saw me and asked: What's wrong? I don't want to play anymore?
I calmly replied: MD, motion sickness!
The roommate was in a state of confusion.
Basketball (6)
1, possession
Exam soon ...... begging Kobe possession, 81 points in a single subject.
Begging for Rockets possession, 22 consecutive subjects without fail.
Begging for a Maddie possession, damn, can cop 13 points in 35 seconds.
2, laugh field
High school a girls basketball game, a girl, in their own side of the backcourt grabbed the rebound, get up to their own bar shot, unsuccessful, and grab the rebound, and shot, still unsuccessful, and grab the rebound, and shot, hit!
The referee and all the spectators on the court doubled over in laughter.
3. Going home
That said, I go to the sports center every week with a few brothers to play basketball, and today, as usual, we took the ball and went to the "battlefield".
This time there are a few good players, the left shook and shot, brothers were a mess of vegetables.
I was sitting on the court, watching in my eyes, angry in my heart, I kept thinking of ways to save our face.
Finally, I clenched my fists, threw off my jacket, and walked quickly up to the field, yelling, "Give me my ball back, I'm going home."
4. Poster
A university basketball tournament, the previous champion team of the Department of History and the Department of Computer Science broke into the final.
Before the game, both have posters to help with the sound.
The history department said, "History proves to be strikingly similar!"
The computer science department said, "Public opinion recognizes that computers will rewrite history."
5. Deal
Before the 1996 draft, Kobe went to the Lakers for a tryout,
and the general manager asked, "What's your best feature?"
The 18-year-old Kobe proudly said, "I play without fear of death!"
The GM nodded his head in dark approval and traded for Divac.
Many years later, we realized that Kobe said, "I play not PASS!"
6, righteousness
Yesterday evening basketball, the other side has a fat big brother, forty years old, two hundred pounds or so.
I and he grabbed the rebound, he jumped up and grabbed the ball, and stepped on the back of my foot when he landed.
I watched him put the ball back in again, and when he was done, he turned to me and said, "The boy was so righteous he didn't pump his foot."
I gritted my teeth in agony and said, "Pumped it, but it didn't come out."
Football (6 rules)
1. You go
Basin used to like to take off his shirt to celebrate when he scored a goal, but taking off his shirt to celebrate would result in a yellow card.
But this was not at all difficult for Pascal, who scored against Arsenal.
Basin used his brain this time and didn't take off his jersey.
Instead, he went at Arsenal's Djourou and forced his way to undress Djourou, resulting in a penalty from the referee.
2. Wrong
We used to always hack the national soccer team, 1.3 billion can not find 11 can play soccer. Now I know it's wrong, because even 6 billion foreign countries can't find 3 people who can play table tennis.
3, quarrel
During the World Cup, the husband and wife argued about the remote control.
The husband said: you don't even go into the kitchen to cook, why do you want to watch cooking programs?
The wife said, "You've never played soccer, so why are you watching the World Cup?
4. Chance
After Pele became a family man, he gave birth to a lovely son. His friends congratulated him, saying that he was already rich, and now that he had added a son to his family, there was no need to worry about his soccer career.
Beli, however, was not impressed, saying: "It's impossible for my son to succeed me. Although he may become an athlete, he will never achieve what I have because I am too rich."
5. Composition
The teacher said to the students: the title of this composition is "Remembering a Football Match".
Dongdong couldn't write it even after thinking about it for half a day. He then wrote a few sentences in his composition book: It rained that day, the ground was slippery, and the game was postponed.
6. Explanation
Male: I have tickets, why don't we watch the soccer game together today?
Female: Forget it. I don't even know what offside means.
Man: Let me give you an analogy. If my suitor, your rival, is the goalkeeper, and we attack her together, and you pass me the ball, and you find that I'm closer to your rival than anyone else, then I'm offside.
Cars (6 rules)
1. No
A car was passing through a small village when it crushed a chicken to death. The driver picked up the unfortunate chicken and said to a young boy who saw the incident, "Does this chicken belong to your family?"
"No, my family's chicken is the same color and grind as it is, but it is not so flat."
2. Pretend
Taking the long-distance bus home, the girl in the neighboring seat fell asleep on my shoulder, any long hair on my shoulder. It was an amazing feeling, and I just sat there, motionless, enjoying this amazing feeling. I really thank her for pretending to let me have a girlfriend for 1 hour and 40 minutes.
3, heart
I remember when I first got my driver's license, my dad took me around the car show and did his best to look at Land Rovers, Cadillacs, Porsches, Bentleys and whatnot. I vaguely feel that my parents have been hiding from me for twenty years, and the story of the rich and powerful in fiction and television is going to be staged in my house... As a result, my father came out of the car show after watching it and said to me: "Have you memorized all of this? These cars a can not hit, our family can not even afford to pay for their bumpers ...
4, tube
Wife called her husband who was at work.
The husband says, "I'm sorry, honey, I had a busy day at work."
The wife replies, "But I have some good news and some bad news for you."
The husband said, "Well, just give me the good news."
"Well," said the wife, "the airbags in our car really work."
5. Breathless
Have you noticed that most luxury cars start with the B-word?
Such as, BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Porsche, Bentley, Bugatti.
Can anyone tell me why? (BYD, expresses speechlessness!)
6. Switching
The limo carries a big boss.
Passing through a bad security section, the fear of death of the boss spoke to the driver, said: the recent security is not good, a lot of kidnapping cases, we change, you sit in the back when the boss, I'll be the driver.
Model (6 then)
1. Embarrassment
I bought a high imitation Iphone X cell phone model,
and then ran to the square and pretended to make a phone call,
saying, "Get out of here, the old man will never forgive you. "
Then threw the model into the river and sat on the edge of the river in silence,
Then several beautiful women came over to comfort me,
Just as I was getting the better of me, a grandpa next to me said,
"Young man, your cell phone is floating."
That scene was particularly awkward.
2, petty
Girlfriend's brother looked at my Porsche, want to ask me to borrow.
When I wanted to refuse, my girlfriend's mother said with a smile: a car only, your brother-in-law certainly will not be so cheap.
I sneered: you still want to do something? Do you want to collect the payroll card now?
Girlfriend's mom immediately changed her face: how do you talk? How do you talk? There are a few money is marvelous?
I instantly came to the fire, the last or girlfriend cried on her knees and begged me. I only reluctantly from the bookshelf, the Porsche model down to her brother.
3, vacation
A friend's house came a bear child, his room was turned upside down, all kinds of models are broken.
The friend came back and silently looked at the room, he did not scold the bear child.
Instead, took him to the piano and let him play for a while.
Then he said to the bear child's parents, "You kids have a talent for playing the piano." From then on, that kid never had another vacation.
4. Tank
A little boy found a hundred dollars on his way to school.
After school, the little boy gleefully went straight to the toy model store.
After choosing a tank model, the boy handed the attendant the hundred-dollar bill he had picked up that morning.
The attendant looked at it and said, "Your money is fake."
The little boy said, "Could your tank be real?"
5. Reason
After work, set up toy models on the side of the road to earn some extra money.
Came a small positive (about six or seven years old) on a motorcycle model love. He looked at me pitifully and said: "Uncle! I have no money, can you give it to me?" ...... Looking at his dumbfounded face, I hemmed and hawed and said : "If you give me a reason, I'll give it to you!" ......
Only saw him touch his head: "My dad is a ☆City☆Manager!" ......
6, praise me
One day I put my father to buy me Ultraman toys dismantled, dad was about to beat me, mom quietly said: do not hit the child, I heard that inventors are like this when they were young.
After that, every time I dismantled a toy, my dad not only didn't scold me, but also praised me.
Until one time, he saw me in the doorway with a brick to smash his collection of years of Gundam model, I also said with a face of aggression: how just can not be dismantled.
After a severe beating, a future inventor was thus aborted.
Digital (6)
1, price increase
A meeting, the host suddenly said: the following please support the cell phone price increase to the left side of the people, against the cell phone price increase to the right side.
Everyone sat on the left, no one sat on the right, except for one person still sitting in the center.
Host: This gentleman, are you for or against cell phone price increases?
The man replied, "I'm the one who is raising prices, but I'm against it."
The host panicked and said: Lei Dajunzi, disrespectful disrespectful. Come up to the podium quickly!
2, WeChat
A buddy with a cottage, very envious of the Apple.
It happens to be that a certain operator store to carry out activities: charging 699 bills to send Motorola, charging 799 to send Samsung, charging 199 bills to send Apple.
Then that dude filled up 199, carrying two pounds of apples back ......
Brothers, don't be cheap ah.
3. Honesty
Small Ming accidentally dropped his Lovecraft 4 into the river.
The river god took pity on him, so he took out a Love Crazy 5 from the river and asked if it was his. Xiao Ming shook his head.
The river god took out another Crazy 4S and asked him if it was his, but Ming still shook his head.
Finally, he took out a Crazy 4, and Ming nodded his head and said, "This is the one that's mine."
The river god was pleased, "Honest boy, you can have all 3 Love Crazy, they can't be used anyway."
4. Bundle
One day, Bill Gates came to a place called "IT Restaurant" for dinner.
When he was drinking soup, he found a worm and asked the waiter what was going on.
The waiter said, "Oh, it's called 'Bundle Soup', so you don't have to use the bug if you don't like it."
5. Cat Disease
User: How come I can't get on the Internet all the time!
Customer service inquired about the situation: it may be a problem with your cat.
User: Okay, wait a minute. Well, my cat has asked me to close the door outside!
Customer service: ！！！！！
6, crisis
Husband with hard-earned pocket money to his wife a camera, want to give her a surprise.
The wife took a look, and instead of being happy, she exclaimed, "Husband, how can you send me such a small camera?"
Husband humorously said: "so that you can be photographed small and delicate ah."
Wife's mouth pouted and said, "Go go go, you'd better send me a bigger one, that way I can take a picture of you as sturdy and tall, and I'll feel more secure."
Husband sighed, "You're feeling secure, but I'm about to have a financial crisis."
Girls
Emotions (6)
1, leftovers
Girlfriend: "Look at other people's boyfriends! They all eat their girlfriend's leftovers!"
Boyfriend: "You are left over for me!"
2. Crush
No one has ever confessed to me, which means one thing: I've always been crushed.
3. Brains
I'm a female, and I share a room with my older sister.
Today she was struggling to twist the lid of the yogurt while sighing: whenever I can't unscrew the lid I feel like I'm missing a man ~ ~ ~
I silently took the yogurt in her hand, pulled off the seal under the lid of the yogurt, gently unscrewed it and handed it to her.
The goods were incredibly surprised, muttered to himself: original, I lack of brains ~ ~ ~
4, so tired
Company older women, finally dating a boyfriend.
On one occasion chatting: "Sister Wang, in love, oh, marriage has fallen, now rest assured that it!"
Sister Wang: 'I don't think so! I'm worried about a lot of things, and last night I was afraid that he would see my face. Waiting for him to go to bed before I went to sleep, at 5:00 a.m. I got up to make up, and then pretended to continue to sleep, hey ...... this worrying instead of more.
I ...... surprisingly speechless ~
5, worry
A sister more than thirty, all aspects of the conditions are good, but is not married, parents anxious.
Finally, a while ago, the sister in the parents of the openings, looking for a handsome married out.
On the day of the wedding, several of our bridesmaids were responsible for blocking the door, a variety of difficult is not to open the door, the best man joked: "and then do not open the door we can go ah!"
The result of this, the sister's mother an arrow step rushed up, set aside us to open the door, to the outside of a group of flabbergasted people said: "Do not go do not go ah! Quickly come in! Come on in!"
~~How worried is Auntie that my sisters won't get married?
6, I female, my sister is almost 35, no one asked, today downstairs, Liu Aunt suddenly want to introduce my sister to the object ......
Said half a day, the father is sullen, a look of reluctance to let Liu Aunt go back first, said we think about it and then give her a reply to the ~
Liu Aunt After leaving, mom was about to freak out, only to see my dad immediately said to me: fast, go buy two notes of incense, to your grandfather on a grave, the ancestors open eyes ah, your sister finally someone wants to ......
Selfie (6 then)
1, not blind
Other girls Send a selfie saying you've gained weight again and receive comments like: not fat at all! The body is so great! This girl sends a selfie to say fat again, received comments are: we are not blind.
2, photo
My sister, today in Lebao bag home from work, and then play with their own selfie, suddenly realized that there has not been a separate photo with his father, so, "Dad, have not been with you, let's take a picture of it."
As he said, he went into the room, and a short while later, his father came back out, with his hair combed out and his clothes changed.
This...should I open my mouth and call him again?
3, civilization
One time when I was off the bus, my nose suddenly itched a little bit, but I was civilized people, picking my nose is too indecent, right, I endured, the car after a stop, really did not hold back on picking up with my hands.
And also took out a cell phone to block a bit, how do I know the side of an older woman saw a loud: "Aigoo, little girl, in the car picking a booger also want to take a selfie ah".
4, infusion
The other day, in the hospital infusion, almost finished, the nurse came to me to remind me: self-timer? I'm not sure if you're a good person, but I'm a good person, and I'm not a good person.
There is nothing that can stop the human race from showing up.
5. Nowadays, girls are too tired to live.
It takes an average of three and a half hours to post a photo, an hour to ask a friend out, and an hour to put on makeup and change clothes at home.
An hour and a half to eat and chat at the destination, and an hour to take a selfie.
Simply, why do girls like to give girls likes.
Because both live hard, so sympathetic.
6, artifacts
There is a do-gooder aunt in the group that we all don't really see.
One day asked: "Pros, you say I want to buy a selfie artifact it, or you have what other selfie effect is good ah?"
The group was silent for a while, and finally a male voice couldn't hold back and gave a pertinent opinion: "Brick."
Clothing (6 then)
1, high point
Wife: How about I wear this dress to work today?
Husband: Yesterday I saw a lady dressed exactly like you!
Wife: Which one of us wore it better?
Husband: If you were taller, I would have thought it was you.
Wife: Can't you say it differently?
2, fat
One time I had to go to a classmate's wedding, and before I left, I was confused about what to wear, and I asked, "Hubby, can I wear this sportswear?"
Husband said, "Yes!"
I said, "But my friends say I look fat in this."
Hubby glanced at me and said, "That's because they don't see you in anything else."
3, down
First time in Beijing, rented a small room, living in the first floor, on Taobao to buy clothes, pay and then contact the seller: "I have paid, please ship."
Who knows that side directly said: "I see your address, their own upstairs to get it! I'm right above you."
Take your sister, I paid for postage to send it down.
4, advice
Mom's position in her daughter's mind is irreplaceable, and my daughter has special respect for me.
Every time before she goes out, she dresses up and comes to me for advice: "Mom, see how I wear this suit?"
I said, "Well, not bad." She then immediately changes into a different set.
When I said I couldn't go out dressed like that, she scattered.
5, aggrieved
Mother to the naughty little brother beat up out of the door, mom's front foot just left, the more I think the more aggrieved, from the closet to the mother's clothes are out of the door, thrown to the door, a maniacal stomping.
After a few minutes there seems to be the sound of the mother's footsteps, in order to speed up the momentum of the mother's
clothes shoot clean into the closet, but also pretending to be very frank.
6, know what
I live with my girlfriends, once something to go back home for a few days, the day before leaving, clothes and other things are not packed.
But make an effort to pack some snacks to eat what, I asked my girlfriends: "How do not pack clothes?"
Answer: "This is called the old lady, soldiers and horses have not moved, food and grass first, you know what?"
Weight loss (6)
1, too fat
A fat man went to the clinic, the doctor: Hello, may I ask where you are not comfortable? What are the symptoms?
The fat man: doctor, I have no physical problems, just feel too fat, may I ask what way to lose weight?
Doctor: lose weight, a meal to eat a steamed bread is good.
Fat: Thank you, doctor! That is eaten before meals or after meals ah?
Doctor: .........
2, changing careers
My sister is a fat boy. One day, she and I are watching TV in the living room, suddenly flew a mosquito do not want to bite her, she slapped dead and stared at the mosquito to see, I asked curiously: "What is it?" She quietly spat out a sentence: "If the mosquito from now on does not suck blood, change line suck fat, that mosquito is a kind of how lovely little creatures ah ......"
3, dabbing
BFF in recent days always come to my home to dab, and each time I'm not sure how much I'm going to eat, but I'm sure I'm going to eat a lot of food.
So I asked: Why don't you eat more?
Best friend: Every time I lose weight and can't control my mouth, I want to come to your house to eat! After all, no one cooks like you, and after the first bite, you don't want to eat the second bite!
4, decided
Today determined to start losing weight, said to her husband: "I start tomorrow dinner only eat bananas and pineapple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The result is that the husband faintly returned a sentence: "Elephants also eat these grew up."
I pour ......
5, the truth
Recently saw a saying that: "fat is a moment, and ugly is a lifetime."
Thinking about it, I was elated, even if I lose weight successfully and so what? Decidedly open to eat!
Afterwards it felt like something was wrong somewhere.
6, help
A woman invited a Taoist priest, said: "Master, recently is really strange, first of all, when going up the stairs, that the wooden staircase was born hard hard broken, and then I just sat down to the chair, the ghost chair is also broken; the most horrible is to go to bed at night, the bed even collapsed, please master save me!"
After hearing this, the Taoist priest took out his mahogany sword, circled around the woman three times, and then suddenly the sword pointed at the woman and bellowed, "Female master, you really should lose weight, drink water to slim down your body!"
Pets (6)
1, strange
I remember one day, husky from the neighbor's garden took a hamster covered in mud back, I recognized at first glance, it is the neighbor's pet hamster "Sugar," has been tortured by the dog! I've been tortured to death by the dog.
I immediately cleaned the hamster and threw it back into the neighbor's yard.
Early the next morning, I heard the neighbors were furious at the cry: Oh my God, who dug up my well-buried hamster and washed it .........
2, habits
A few years ago, I was ready to raise a dog, so I ran to ask my brother, how to raise a dog, because his family flowers! was really super cute, fun, and obedient.
He told me a whole lot. He told me a lot about how to get a dog, from what he'd read, what he'd heard from pet stores, what he'd heard from friends who have dogs, and what he'd learned from his own experience.
Then gave me a lot of help. Speaking at the end of the day.
He said very carefully: be sure to pay attention. Dogs, is sure to eat shit, no matter what kind of dog, you go out to walk the dog must be watched.
3. Haircut
My friend went to a pet store to give his dog a haircut, and asked the owner how much it cost, and the owner said 100 yuan.
My friend was shocked: "Crap, I cut a hair only 20, you guys this is too expensive it!?"
The boss said, "It dares to eat shit do you dare?"
My friend was not convinced: "What if I dare?"
The boss said: "Then I give you cut also charge 100!"
4, cousin
Not long ago I read an article, mainly about a variety of impractical small appliances, which is the top of the list is the sweeping robot.
After the article there are generally comments, one of which is this: the family dog pulled the rake, and then the sweeping robot wiped it evenly ......
Ton of laughter ......
5. To hell with it
The snake was upset after being beaten with poison.
One day, it saw a cat, so it bit the cat hard and said, "Don't think I won't recognize you if you act cute!"
The cat felt innocent after being bitten, and was trying to find someone to take it out on when, as soon as it went out, it found an earthworm writhing by the side of the road, and it kicked the earthworm hard and said, "Father's debt is paid by the son, go to hell!"
6, cat step
A cat wanted to go out to play, its owner does not allow, decided to guess who won who listen to, and ultimately the owner won why? Because the cat can only come out of the cloth ~
Gourmet (6 then)
1, playing meals
Today at noon to the cafeteria to eat, a girl said loudly, "I'm not a vegetarian."
The aunt of the meal looked up in horror: "How do you mean? You still have to play rough?"
The girl said slowly, "Beat me up the meat that's shaking down."
2, walk slowly
Why every time and sisters go to eat buffet, when we go, the welcome lady said to us are: you walk slowly! And the other guests said you are welcome to come back next time?
3, invincible
There are two things in a person's life that others can not take away, one is to eat into the belly of the food, the other is hidden in the heart of the dream.
So be a dream foodie, you are invincible.
4, eat paper
A few years ago with a few donkeys traveling together by bicycle, to the evening when the time to start camping, finished eating.
The female leader took out two bags and said that there are compressed food for us to eat, I and another donkey out while eating while complaining:" What compressed food ah! The other donkey and I took it out and ate it while complaining, "What kind of compressed food is this? It's like chewing toilet paper!"
The female leader gave us a look and said: " What you two are eating is paper, the food is in another bag!"
5, hot pot
Light to eat boiled green vegetables will be thin very slowly, you can with a little mushrooms and meat, dietary fiber and protein together to produce what food heat effect, the weight fall faster.
I thought about it carefully, isn't that hot pot?
6, disobedience
I remember when I was in college, I met an Indian friend.
We often have dinner together, that time, she and I talk about the country's culture.
I said: can you use chopsticks in our country? She said: you can't use chopsticks, grabbing with your hands is the most proper way to eat, and you can grab anything with your hands without being limited by the food.
As soon as I heard this I expressed my disbelief and immediately took her to a hot pot.
Well, finally organized, spent 2 hours ah, everyone point a support it, if not point praise ...... Then I have no choice but to continue to organize next time. I wish you all a smile every day.