As an emotional writer, I often receive a lot of letters from readers, one type of help in particular, most of them are about "should not" questions. For example: I am a girl, but the salary is higher than the object, in this case, he should not take the initiative to jump ship to improve wages, in order to give me the future? I asked my husband to help me with the dishes, but my mother-in-law said that women should do the housework, is she right?
Husband let me quit my job to be a housewife at home, should a woman stay home with the children? ...... This kind of problem seems trivial and complex, both related to money, husband and wife, children, but also involves the relationship between the two sexes, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. But I think these problems can be solved in one sentence, that is: in the relationship, there is no "should or should not".
These issues, in fact, all reflect the same problem, that is, people's long-term fixed thinking. This kind of fixed thinking is very easy to let people on both men and women have a kind of prejudice: as a woman, the work of good or bad is not important, but should be at home to do housework, bring up children, wait for the elderly; as a man, home affairs do not have to care more, but should be put all the center of gravity on the work, out of the desperation to earn money, only with the money in order to support the family. This kind of prejudice is actually a kind of disguised moral abduction, strong that women should be the main internal, men should be the main external.
This kind of thinking not only doesn't make sense logically, but also doesn't correspond to reality. Who says that a man has to earn more than a woman? Who says that women should do the housework while men don't have to?
It's not a good idea to allocate the two men's work according to their sexes, but it's not a good idea to do so. Life is not a child's play, according to the specific situation to make specific analysis. Two people's character conditions, family background, ideological concepts will inevitably have differences. It is also such differences that give both sides the opportunity to help each other. In the relationship, do not have too much demanding each other "should" do what, but to choose two people to understand each other, mutual respect, only so that both sides can go more long.
I have long been concerned about a pair of nicknamed "Cangnan Pai" and "Mango Mi" on the Internet couple, from their love, marriage to now have a daughter, has been over the years. But their relationship not only did not become cold, but more and more sweet, but also often share with netizens in their married life "small sweet things".
From their words, I realized that the secret of their love is that they never ask each other too much to do something for themselves, but both of them pay for the family together. The father can take the initiative to make time to help his wife to do housework and raise the children; the mother also respects her husband, even when he wants to take time off on weekdays to go hiking, so that he is happy to agree to such a "non-professional" request. I believe that in such a harmonious family atmosphere, the three of them will live better and better.
But it's not easy to be like them and not ask each other to give, but to give to each other. One of my readers, Yan, chose to get a divorce after realizing that her husband took everything he did for granted and that he was not willing to make the slightest change for the family. Yan is not young and has been married to her husband for more than ten years, so what was it that made Yan give up her years of relationship and leave decisively?
When Yan first married her husband, she was a young girl fresh from the countryside. At that time, she could not dress up and was not experienced in the world, and she would blush and be shy when she talked to people more than a few words. As a result, her mother-in-law never failed to give her a good look. Her mother-in-law felt that her family was all from the city, and this rural girl, with her rustic clothes and her inability to get along with others, would lose face when she went out. She didn't like her daughter-in-law very much, and often coldly refused to talk to Yan. But Yan's heart is very kind, and very hardworking, married into the door of the in-laws, and then wholeheartedly for the in-laws. Not only did she treat her mother-in-law as if she were her own mother, but she also took care of everything in the house, from the housework to the family's living, all of which was handled by Yan.
Yan's mother-in-law has been suffering from high blood pressure, which was not serious before, so she did not pay much attention to it. Later, as she got older, she needed to take long-term antihypertensive medication to stabilize her blood pressure. After learning about the situation, Yan not only ignored the past, but also without saying a word, out of the money, to buy her mother-in-law imported drugs, and urged her not to worry about the money, after all to take good medicine, take care of their own bodies. In this way, Yan's selflessness has gradually impressed her mother-in-law. The mother-in-law slowly accepted Yan, and their relationship eased a lot.
But there was an unexpected turn of events. The mother-in-law's high blood pressure triggered a cerebral infarction, and after suddenly collapsing one day, she was paralyzed in bed. As her husband was busy earning money, Yan quit her job and stayed home to take care of her mother-in-law. When her mother-in-law couldn't eat, Yan boiled mixed grains, vegetables, fish and meat in the kitchen every day, beat them into a paste with a machine, blew it out to cool it down, then carried the bowl to the bedside and fed it to her, one bite at a time.
Mother-in-law can't get out of bed either, so Yan helped her defecate at regular intervals. Even if the clothes and bedsheets are dirty, she will immediately put on a new one for her, and then carry the old one to the laundry. Not only that, Yan would also help her mother-in-law wipe her body every few days, and after that, she would also massage her arms and move her joints. Even the smallest details were taken care of by Yan. When it's sunny, she takes the quilts out into the yard to dry, and opens the windows in her room to let her breathe fresh air; every night, she stays by her bedside and talks to her, and doesn't leave until she's asleep.
These cumbersome and complicated matters have become Yan's daily routine. The mother-in-law, who was lying on the bed, although unable to move, was taken care of under Yan's meticulous care until her death in a dignified manner.
As the saying goes, "There is no filial son before the bed of a long illness," let alone taking care of a paralyzed patient. It's not that Yan hasn't thought about backing out, but the filial piety of her thought that since she had married into her mother-in-law's family, her mother-in-law was also her closest relative. Now that her loved one is sick and paralyzed in bed, how can she, as a daughter-in-law, sit back and do nothing? So, she started to take care of her mother-in-law with all her heart and soul, and this time, she took care of her mother-in-law for nine years.
For nine years, Yan gave up her job, her future, and even her own life to her mother-in-law. In the eyes of outsiders, these nine years Yan must have lived very hard, but she and I said: "Although every day is very busy, to help get to get that, but think about after all their own mother-in-law, as long as to see her in the hospital bed can be happy, and also do not feel anything." I also asked her if she had any regrets, and she confessed, "It's all in the family, taking care of your own family, there's nothing to regret."
This kind woman, from the beginning to the end of the in-laws as their own relatives, willingly for the whole family to make dedication. In her heart, her own sacrifice is far less important than her family. She believes that good people will be rewarded in the end, and that she will be rewarded for her efforts.
But just this year, Yan's father suffered a stroke and collapsed. The good thing is that he was rescued in time and saved his life. But the old man is very old and needs to stay in the intensive care unit for observation. The cost of hospitalization is very high, several thousand dollars a day, to take care of his father needs manpower, the family can not afford to hire a nurse. Yan was working at a fast food restaurant at the time, so she could sneak out during the week to take care of her father, but at meal times or on weekends, she just didn't have the time. The company's main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers," he said, adding that the company has been working on a number of projects in the past few years.
This request is not too much to ask, although Yan's husband is usually busy at work and needs to sacrifice his time off to take care of the patients, but after all, he is his own father-in-law, so this difficulty should be able to be overcome. But when Yan's husband heard the request, he refused without even thinking.
Yan initially thought that her husband was embarrassed because he had never taken care of anyone before, so she spoke up and said, "It's not that difficult, just help with the feeding. The hospital has nurses, so if you don't know what to do, you can just ask them." However, her husband said that it was too embarrassing for a big man to do the serving.
Yan said, "There's nothing to be ashamed of, but I did serve your mom this way in the beginning." But when her husband heard this, he was instantly displeased, saying, "It's only natural for you, as a daughter-in-law, to take care of your mother-in-law. It's your duty, and serving her is what you should do, so of course there's no shame in it. But what kind of son-in-law waits on his father-in-law, if people see that, won't they laugh at me? It's none of my business that your father is sick, I'm not obligated to do that."
These words surprised Yan, she has always treated her in-laws as relatives, but she did not expect her husband to always treat her family as outsiders, she asked in annoyance, "What do you mean by that? I've served your mother for nine years, and now that my father is sick, you still think it's none of your business?" Her husband replied in disbelief, "One size does not fit all, you took good care of my mom before, but that doesn't mean I should take care of your dad now. Those are two different things, so don't you confuse them and purposely look for trouble."
These words chilled Yan's heart all of a sudden, not realizing that her own contribution was only justified in her husband's eyes, and now that she had made such a small request, she was regarded by him as intentionally looking for trouble. Disappointed, Yan realized that all her years of emotion had been in vain, and eventually the coldness of her heart transformed into anger, and she angrily told her husband, "My father doesn't need you to take care of him, and the two of us shouldn't go through with it either. Get a divorce!"
Just such a sentence, so that the couple's more than ten years of long relationship, and finally to the broken. I think we can all understand what Yan did. She gave everything for her family, but in return she got a sentence of "It's your duty", which would have given her a chill.
Really, in marriage, it is necessary to be more heartfelt, mutual understanding, if only to talk about the obligation to do what the other side as should be done, it is too hurtful. In fact, in my opinion, instead of only pursuing one of the "should not", it is better to help each other.
After all, marriage is to rely on two people **** with the maintenance, if one party to the other party's pay a blind eye, they are not willing to make a little sacrifice for the family. Such a selfish approach will only bring harm. If you want to have a long marriage, then do not talk about "obligation", but to do not distinguish between you and me, suffering and ****, and only then can make the marriage to the ultimate beauty.