1. Is it true that parents hate their children?
This article was written in February 2017. At that time, three psychology teachers, Xu Kaiwen, Li Xue, and Wu Zhihong, held a public discussion on the "relationship between parents and children."
The cause was a Weibo post by Teacher Li Xue:
“Some parents always attack and humiliate their children repeatedly over trivial matters, making it seem like a big deal. , because this drives the child crazy and transfers the inner pain to the child, and he will feel relaxed and comfortable, similar to a drug addiction. When the child is brainwashed and possessed and starts to commit self-harm and suicide, it is the moment when the mother reaches the peak of pleasure. , watching children beat themselves up and cut themselves with knives, they can’t help but smile knowingly.”
There are also some cases in the articles written by teachers Xu Kaiwen and Wu Zhihong that look very shocking.
xxliu2016: A long time ago, when I was in junior high school in Da Concept, when my mother scolded me until I collapsed, I said that I would not let you go even if I died and became a ghost. She seemed a little proud, and it seemed that it was okay. She means. I always thought I had misread her expression. I couldn't believe how dark she was. She usually looks like a good person.
Literary Confusion: My mother once smiled triumphantly when I had a nervous breakdown.
amandaaaaaaaaaa: My mother is like this. When I was attacked and in pain, her face was happy and high-spirited that I had never seen before. Her expression was simply radiant. Seeing her like that made my heart slow. So slow.
Xiaozhu 112 Hair Hair Spirit Official Blog: I remembered a similar thing. When I was in junior high school, I was once irritated by repeated accusations from my parents. I ran into the room and lay on the bed, screaming angrily and desperately. I clapped my hands and kicked my feet everywhere, like a madman. But my parents came in and laughed at me together, saying that I couldn’t shed tears just by shouting, and even wanted to film it. I vented even more angrily for a long time, but they felt bored, stopped laughing, and kept telling me to stop.
KATETCHANG: My parents sometimes scold me very happily. They say they do it for your own good, but in their heart they say that I will seize the opportunity to scold you for being stupid and scolding you for not having the brains to scold you. You have been useless for three days and three nights, over and over again, with a smile on your lips, and laughter in the sneer. Especially when something bad happened to them, they found a good opportunity to project their inner shame and powerlessness onto me.
Ran Qingxin: She called me a bitch, kicked my lower body, scratched my face with my nails, and made me lose my face. In my second year of high school, the head teacher asked me what was wrong with my face in front of the whole class. I wanted to get into it. The hole disappeared, but he said to the teacher: I fell downstairs. But what hurt the most was not the beating or the scolding, but the spit my mother spat on my face on my 14th birthday. I didn’t cry, but wiped it away miserably and desperately and smiled. At that moment, I felt my heart dead.
Through these cases, do you think these parents love their children, or do you think these parents hate their children?
2. It may be true that both love and hate exist
I didn’t have much exposure to psychology many years ago, but during my studies I was always taught that parents must love For children, even if there are some behaviors that children don’t understand yet, there must be love behind the incomprehension.
But when I do family system arrangement therapy for clients, some parents’ representatives will tell me: “I have no love for my children” and “I really don’t feel that I care about my children’s pain. ", "I don't care about my children."
Note: "Parental representatives" do not refer to the parents themselves, but in family arrangement therapy, some people will be found to "play" the parents of the client, arranging and simulating the dynamic form of the family, and placing themselves in the family system. Those who represent the client’s parents.
Although these feedbacks account for a low proportion in many psychological consultations or family system arrangement treatments, they cannot be ignored just because they are low.
I was a little shocked by such feedback at first. I even thought that what the parents’ representatives said was wrong, but no matter how I guided the children’s parents’ love for them during the arrangement, I could not change them. relationship.
So I decided to take the plunge, because the essence of Family System Alignment Therapy is: the truth is what matters. I asked the parent's representative to say to the child (visitor): "I don't love you that much." or "I only care about your feelings a little bit."
The results were beyond my expectations. The visitor It did not appear to be a very painful state. On the contrary, many people suddenly became calmer and began to have some energy and strength. Later, they would tell me that they felt this was true. After a while, they will show acceptance and the relationship will start to develop in a good direction.
So after I have experienced many similar cases, I think that parents do not only have love but no hatred for their children; of course, I do not think that parents will only have hate but no love, they should be exist at the same time. Love and hate exist, and while you care about your children, you actually don’t care too much. This is the situation of all parents. In rarer cases, some parents show little love for their children, and this is not just the case with abusive parents.
3. Can you allow your parents not to love you?
From the time I was a child until a few years ago, my relationship with my father had never been good. Because I used to think that my father should love me, be tolerant, understanding, gentle, etc. as society preaches, but in fact he doesn’t have much patience with me, doesn’t care much about my feelings, and often loses his temper with me. , scolded me viciously... It wasn't until I saw many similar cases that one day I suddenly realized that he actually doesn't love me very much, maybe only a little bit, and I shouldn't expect him to love me very much, because my parents are You have the right to not have that much love for your children.
When I saw this feeling clearly, I was silent for a while, and then felt a little sad, but it was not too strong or too lasting. On the contrary, I suddenly became enlightened, as if the dark clouds above my head had become less, and my resentment towards him was also reduced a lot.
Both parents are mortals, and it is impossible for parents to love without boundaries. They have their own lives and their own yearnings. They also don’t want to have to pay only love and time for their children, but in the end, if there is only one bad thing, the children will probably blame them, hate them, and despise them. They also hope to do some things they like without being disturbed, and hope that their children will not occupy too much of their physical and mental time. So it's normal for them to hate children. If you only want your parents to love you, there will definitely be problems in your relationship.
"Mothers hate babies." Winnicott, the famous object relations guru, listed 18 reasons; when I put these on both parents and older children, I found that Many are equally applicable:
1. The baby (child) is not what she imagined in her mind;
2. Raising a baby (child) is not a childhood game, nor is it for dad and brother. Don’t treat children like me;
3. The birth of a baby (child) is not romantic or mythical at all;
4. During pregnancy and delivery, the baby ( The baby (child) is a danger to her body;
5. The baby (child) interferes with her private life and is a challenge for her to concentrate on doing things;
6. The mother gives birth to a baby The child is to appease his mother, because she will need a child more or less;
7. The baby (child) hurt her nipple, even biting it and bleeding;
8. The baby (child) is ruthless, treat her like an inferior person, an unpaid servant, a slave;
9. From the beginning, she seems to be able to Loves the baby (child), her excrement and all her things;
10. The baby (child) always tries to hurt her and bites her periodically;
11 , the baby (child) shows that he no longer trusts and is attached to her, and will despise her;
12. When the baby (child) gets what he wants, he throws her away like garbage, no Ignore her;
13. The baby (child) must be supreme in the beginning, he must be protected from accidents, and life must proceed at a baby's pace, all of which require continuous and thoughtful learning by the mother;
p>14. Initially, the baby (child) has no idea what she has done or the sacrifices she has made for her, but the baby still cannot be hated;
15. The baby (child) ) sometimes refuses the food given by her, making her doubt herself, while the baby eats the food given by others;
16. She obviously went out with the baby (child) and spent a A bad morning when the baby smiles at a stranger and the stranger says "How cute";
17. If she abandons or neglects the baby from the beginning, she knows the baby (The child) will always take revenge on her;
18. The baby (child) excites her, but also frustrates her - she cannot eat him, he does not belong to her.
These 18 items can actually be extended to many, many items, which are full of every day of life. If parents can only have love for their children, how can they digest so many problems? This is equivalent to giving up all their freedom and being imprisoned in the cage of a perfect mother-infant relationship. In fact, no one can do it.
When hatred, neglect and boredom occur, in China, the father may escape, but the mother is usually trapped. Mothers require themselves not to neglect their children, to devote themselves wholeheartedly to their children, and to put negative emotions into their own hands. Suppressing it deep inside, but this may lead to greater and more uncontrollable hurt or rage.
Mothers who are able to break free from the prison are often immediately questioned or even criticized. A mother traveling together left a lot of questions under the scenery pictures in her circle of friends: Where is your child? So cool and unrestrained, going out to play by yourself without taking the kids? Don't you want children?
In "The Battle of Love", a nursing mother who loves dancing puts her breast milk in a plastic bag and goes to work every day. Her husband is responsible for breastfeeding, taking care of the children, and doing housework.
But he often complained about his wife and always discouraged her from giving up her career and going home to take care of her children. He said painfully: I am now 30 years old, and every day I dream about how to make money to support my family, but I have put down my career. Now my alarm clock is the sound of a baby crying. When the baby cries, it means a nightmare day for me. It's time to start.
But the husband seems to have never thought that if he makes this switch to his wife, it will also be a nightmare for his wife, as if these nightmares are what the wife must bear.
As parents, we have all experienced the pain of raising children. As mortals, after experiencing these, resentment will arise. This exists in every family.
In the TV show, teachers commented that they supported their wives to continue their careers, but in this case, would the children also hate their mothers when they grow up - why didn't you love me well after you gave birth to me? Raise me well; you gave birth to me, but you only care about your career.
And if this husband one day transforms the negative emotions suppressed in his heart into a strong desire for control, will the child say to him - parents are a disaster, and your control makes me miserable.
If we believe that parents only love their children, then it is very likely that so many problems will arise. But if we can see the truth clearly - there is a love-hate relationship between parents and children, then many problems may be taken lightly and let go.
“The best treatment is to bring a person closer to the truth of his life. If this person completely embraces the truth of his life, that is the best state of life. So, go embrace you The dark night of the soul is to face the tragedy in your life without distance
——American psychologist Thomas Moore
(To the effect, not the original words, excerpted from Takeshi. Teacher Hong’s article)
If you can’t see the whole thing, you can’t say you’ve seen the truth. People who don’t see the truth will always breed a lot of imaginary fears, which are much scarier than the reality of the truth. So, have you seen it? Do parents hate their children?
Your likes are my motivation to update~