A friend's son got married in October last year.
After the marriage, the friend wanted to go and live with his son, think care of his son's life is more convenient, because the husband is firmly opposed to, did not live together.
They live not far from the two neighborhoods, every day, the friend to do a good job of meals, phone calls on five or six times, urging the son in law to come to dinner, the results are still late.
And then urged, the phone came from the other end of the very impatient voice.
The food was cold and hot over and over again.
The son in law did not come to dinner, the friend and husband had to wait.
My friend said to me, "I really want to move directly to live with them, so that it is more convenient to cook for them, and there is no need to call over and over again, and the food will not be cold, and over and over again, the hot food is not good."
I said, "Will they eat in a timely manner if you move there? The problem isn't the meals, it's the space. The kids are just getting married and they need their own private space, so if you live there and buy groceries, cook, and do housework for them, you'll end up being disliked."
I said, "I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that."
I suggested that my friend about the law, and set up rules: "What time to eat every day, you must arrive in advance, after this time do not come to eat, the meal is cold, they go to heat; want to eat, do it yourself."
The child will eventually grow up, will eventually have to walk independently on the society, face the society, parents do not let go for life?
Chinese parents are too much sacrifice themselves to fulfill their children.
My mom is a typical representative of Chinese parents.
My 86-year-old mom has been busy with her grandson and her son since the day he was born.
Every day, she buys groceries, cooks, washes clothes and does housework.
When she came to my house for a few days during the holidays, she had to bring her grandson with her for fear that he would not be able to eat without her.
Mom's idea of cooking for a lifetime is: "cook and eat on the line, what's good for you, not good for you, not good for you, eat less, so as not to have to lose weight."
But the concept of the mother, inevitably and son, daughter-in-law of the concept of contrary, son, daughter-in-law think rice is not good, not come back to eat, often on the grandparents and grandchildren in the home two meals.
Mom is accustomed to cooking, cooking more, lest not enough to eat. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new pair of shoes and a new set of shoes.
The mother's nagging, the grandson does not like to hear, the son does not like to hear, the daughter-in-law does not like to hear.
The mother's voice is not a beautiful one, as she lives in the midst of all the nagging and complaining that goes on every day.
I advised her, "Let your grandchildren live independently when they get older, and go back to your hometown for a few years to enjoy your own life."
She didn't listen to my advice.
Seriously, this is the greatness of Chinese parents, and at the same time their sadness.
Often, they sacrifice their own lives and their own happiness to fulfill their children, and what they get in return is often not gratitude or reward, but more dislike.
I remember reading an article before.
A retired mother, because it has always been very spoiled son, son married, she naturally took care of the son, daughter-in-law's life and living.
In order to take care of her son and daughter-in-law, she moved to the neighborhood where they live, and went to her son's house every morning to help make breakfast and clean up, and then returned to her own house at night after she finished dinner and waited for them to wash up and get ready for bed.
One day, as usual, she carried fresh vegetables from the morning market and walked towards her son's house full of joy.
But she failed to open her son's door, not because she had the wrong key, but because her daughter-in-law had changed the lock.
The daughter-in-law said, "Recently, there are especially many cases of theft in the neighborhood, so ......" On that day, as usual, she gave them a good breakfast, cleaned the room, and washed all the dirty clothes, however, the daughter-in-law did not give her the key to the new lock.
She thought, "Maybe they forgot."
In the evening, her son went to her house and gave her the key with the words, "Don't let my daughter-in-law know."
She knew it wasn't simple.
The next day, she went to her son's house as usual, but just as she reached their door, she heard an argument inside.
The daughter-in-law blurted out, "You must have given your mom the new key."
"Who doesn't have procrastination? After my shower, I threw my underwear in the dirty clothes hamper, and your mom washed it the next morning. Looking at the shorts and bra on the clothesline, I don't have the joy of being helped, only the embarrassment of having my privacy spied on."
"Look at how spoiled you are by your mom, every day you come home and lie on the couch, you do nothing, you don't put things away, you don't take out the garbage, you almost don't feed the food in your mouth, you're like an unweaned child."
"Can't she be like other mothers, dancing and modeling, and not staring at us all day like a camera?"
She did not expect, she can be called "twenty-four filial piety" mother-in-law's contribution, in exchange for this kind of criticism, the most intolerable she is, her son from the beginning to the end of a sentence: "She is my mother, you let me do?
Back home, she told her partner in tears their grievances: "He is my only son, my biggest idea is to take good care of them, almost to the heart of them, actually fell so many bad reviews."
From then on, she and her partner traveled together and disappeared from the sight of her son and daughter-in-law.
The real love of motherhood is a decent exit.
Parents who don't want to be separated from their adult children don't so much love their children as they want to have total control over them, a control that gives them a sense of fulfillment and power, and makes them happy with themselves.
Parents and children also need to "disconnect" if they are to have a better relationship.
The Disconnect says, "All tangible things are illusory, and our minds are constantly changing. Indulge in the rare and fleeting encounters with objects, which must be the happiness itself that we seek. When the karma is over, let go with panache. To be able to do this not only with objects, but with everything, is the desire to disconnect."
?
Disconnection: is to give children independent space
Growing adult children, have their own life, in order to make life happier, its way is parents give each other independent space, do not judge them to live a good or bad life, it is all their own life, parents just remember that the present moment of the good is enough.
Shed: be willing to let go
Parents always can not forget the past, worry about the future of the child, to avoid the withdrawal of the moment.
Don't feel that the children are still "children" and can't live without their parents. The only way to get rid of them is to transfer your feelings for the woman to your partner, and to have your own life with your partner, and to let go of them, and to exit perfectly.
Leave: leave your children and look forward
You will feel that the life ahead is more colorful.
People who are too attached to the past will form a vicious circle, always feeling that their contribution to their children has a unique significance, and they can't let go of one step.
When you really let go, perfect exit from the children's life, have their own social circle, you will find that you like the taste and sense of self-identity are improved.
I admire a quote that has been circulating on the internet: "I admire a kind of parent who gives intense intimacy to their children when they are young, and learns to withdraw appropriately as they grow older; caretaking and detachment are both tasks that parents must accomplish with their children."
Parents should not treat their children as if they were the only ones for them, nor should they desert their social circle, discard their hobbies, or even care about whether they are living a happy, joyful life for the sake of their children.
Life is a practice, and parenting is not a practice.
May the world's parents be able to break away, know how to face the adult children to know in and out. The first thing you need to do is to get a good deal of money, and then you have to give it up.
The first thing you need to know is to know how to give and take.