For example, a mother said: Everything is happier than other dolls. Tell her that there is a big problem, and her mentality is uneven, which has a bad influence on her children. Parents said: I know, but sometimes I just can't control it. There are also many parents who have always said: the reason is clear, but the action can't keep up. And Miss Yin have read all their books. Why do they seem to run counter to their own ideas and practices when they do it, except for their high recognition? What is the reason? So, how should we adjust these inappropriate emotions and behaviors? How to achieve "the truth seems clear, but it can be done"? Most people think of relying on willpower to control, commonly known as "forbearance." This method is necessary, but it often fails because of patience. Is there a stable and effective method? 2. My experience is that this is a question of how to adjust one's emotions and behaviors, and psychological counseling theory is a knowledge of changing inappropriate emotions and behaviors. Cognitive therapy is a very useful method. Its principle is actually very simple, but it is a revolutionary change in thinking for changing mood and behavior. Twenty years ago, I was confused about how to adjust my emotional behavior. At that time, I lamented that "listening to the Tao can die in the evening." It was cognitive therapy that made me suddenly enlightened and opened the door to psychological adjustment. 3. Cognitive therapy Cognitive therapy simply means that your emotions and behaviors are determined by your cognition, so if you want to change your emotions and behaviors, you must change your cognition. Applying the father-son relationship, introduce the most classic ABC theory: in the ABC theoretical model, A refers to children's events; B refers to dad's corresponding cognition after encountering an event, that is, his views, explanations and evaluations of this event; C refers to the emotions and behaviors generated by dad. For example: the child didn't eat according to his father's request (a), and his father was very angry (c); The child didn't do well in the exam (a), and his father scolded him (c). Make a true or false question: Dad's emotional behavior (C) is directly caused by the child's event (A), that is, A causes C. (Yes or No? ) How many parents chose Yes? I guess, if only by intuition, more than 80% will choose yes. Most people will think that A leads to C. But the genius ABC theory (sorry, I really appreciate this theory so much that I am incoherent) tells us that the child's event A is only the indirect cause of the father's emotional and behavioral reaction C, and the father's cognition B is the direct cause of C. 4. Give two examples to explain the eating event with ABC theory: the same is that the child did not eat according to the father's request (A), if the father has such cognition B (idea/kl). Readers, imagine that if you have such a cognition, dad will naturally.
Without getting angry (c). And if your cognition B (idea 2) is like this: smelly boy, I have worked hard to prepare a meal for you, and you are not delicious! I'm afraid that caused not only anger (c) but also anger.
Therefore, facing the same event, under different cognition, it will cause completely different emotions and behaviors. It can be said that children will get completely different treatment in an instant. The same is true of failing in the exam. If dad thinks (idea 1): "There are accidental factors in failing the exam, it doesn't matter. This shows that I should improve my educational methods. As long as I work hard, my children will definitely make progress. " The father is absolutely calm and the children are carefree. But if dad thinks like this (idea 2): How many times have I told you, don't be careless and don't listen at all. See how I punish you!
The poor child can only be baptized by the storm. 5. What kind of cognition do you choose? Maybe you choose the second idea for both events now, but the first idea: you can have this! Besides, there must be! The first is reasonable cognition, calmness and being good to children. The second idea is unreasonable cognition (psychological terminology), which makes you crazy and makes your children "destroyed". Of course, everyone has the freedom to choose their own ideas. If you don't think it is necessary to consider children's feelings, if you think it is cool to be a bossy parent, if you are too lazy to change yourself, if you don't care about children's mental health, if you don't care about their long-term development. Go ahead, you can choose a second idea. 6. Recognize your own cognition. Some parents may ask: I always feel "angry and not thinking". Why didn't I notice what you said about the cognition between events and emotional behaviors?
This statement is true, which is the question of most parents. Let me explain in professional terms that human cognition and thinking are divided into rational thinking, automatic thinking (including intuitive thinking and habitual thinking) and core beliefs. (1) Rational thinking is the most familiar to everyone. Generally speaking, that is to say, the cognition and ideas that come into being when you deliberately consider and think. At this time, because you are deliberately thinking about it, you can naturally perceive them. For example, consider how to make this thing, what to cook delicious at night, and how to arrange the weekend (note: this processing thinking is not equal to reasonable thinking). (2) Automatic thinking Automatic thinking is usually an idea and cognition that automatically appears under the stimulation of an event. It usually includes intuitive thinking and habitual thinking. A: There will be many things when you get along with your children and family, and you will react accordingly. For example, if you see a child dawdling on his homework, you will immediately react: why are you so disobedient and so ignorant! This reaction is not deep thinking, but directly based on your experience, ideas, etc. It can be said that it is obtained immediately within one second, and people often ignore the cognitive process because they don't pay attention. At this time, a lot of judgment, reasoning and thinking seem to jump vaguely, much like some automatic reactions, which is intuitive thinking. As you can imagine, it is naturally difficult to make a comprehensive, reasonable and proper conclusion immediately, so irrationality is common. B: Habitual thinking Habitual thinking is the cognition and thoughts that you have formed habits and automatically appear under certain circumstances. Most parents don't think it is necessary to study, or they can't find a good guide book, so they will naturally form some concepts to guide them to treat their children based on their own feelings or simple thinking, such as: be strict with children, educate children when they are frustrated, be obedient, being beaten is love, learning is the first, and grades must be good. These perceptions or ideas are naturally one-sided or inappropriate. So it is often unreasonable. In the process of thinking, some wrong ideas have formed fixed thinking habits, which are preserved and appear habitually. Parents naturally ignore it, making it impossible for parents to reflect and criticize these wrong cognitive concepts. (3) Core Beliefs When you are angry, you can usually find automatic thinking behind this emotion and behavior. This is actually not mysterious at all. Imagine that if people want to think about everything intentionally, it is not exhaustive, then in most cases it is intuitive thinking. However, if you think about the same cognition many times or intuitively in similar situations, then the appearance of this cognition becomes a habit, and it will automatically appear in similar situations in the future, so that you can hardly notice its existence. This is a function of human evolution. The core belief is the core idea of your education for children. For example, my core belief is to respect children and give them freedom; Some mothers think that strict requirements and frustration education are good for children; The core belief of some dads is that children should be excellent everywhere; Some parents think that children should be obedient, and what I do is for their own good, so everything is right. These core beliefs will be "implemented" in all aspects of educating children, forming corresponding automatic thinking and taking root! Every automatic thinking is solidified into an emotion and behavior habit. Therefore, core beliefs are very important. To fundamentally change your unreasonable emotions and behaviors, the first thing to change is your core beliefs. Of course, everyone has the freedom to choose. But from the perspective of mental health and long-term development, I recommend the core belief of "respecting children, accepting children and giving them freedom". This is what I insist on, advocated by Cai Zhenni and Yin Jianli. If you don't change your core beliefs and want to change your mood and behavior, it's as difficult as finding fish from a tree! But after reading the books of two teachers, many parents have basically accepted the core belief of "respecting children, accepting children and giving them freedom", but they still can't do it. Why? Many times, it is the existence of automated thinking that unconsciously leads to emotions and behaviors that you don't want to see. And you generally don't know it exists, so you generally don't change it. Even if you read Mr. Yin's book, you seem to have accepted the reasonable core beliefs. Because most of the automatic thinking you have formed will not change automatically, the corresponding emotions and behaviors will remain "unchanged". It is important to understand this truth. Knowing how automatic thinking is formed, so is changing it. Suppose a scene (children eating), if your previous automatic thinking was idea 2, now you have formed a reasonable cognition after thinking (idea 1). You choose this reasonable cognition every time, and after several times, you form a new automatic thinking. Then you won't be angry, and you don't need to hold back at all.
)。 Some time ago, I wrote a blog post about reading Mr. Yin's book. Don't just focus on learning "technique" and forget to learn "Tao". I would also like to add that we should not only study theory, but also make great efforts to think about how to use it in all aspects to change automatic thinking. 7. My suggestion (1) is to read more books by Mr. Cai and Mr. Yin, and (you can also read my blog) to reflect on your core ideas. (2) If you agree with this educational thought, you should first reflect on your emotions and behaviors about an event: what are the contradictions between your automatic thinking and the rational core thinking, and then form a new rational belief. (3) After several repetitions, reasonable beliefs form new automatic thinking. At this point, the adjustment of unreasonable emotions and behaviors corresponding to this incident is a "small success"! (4) If this kind of reflection can persist for a period of time, new reasonable beliefs will be formed in many cases, and you will be done. 8. For example, the easiest thing for parents to get angry with their children is that they don't listen to greetings and don't obey. For example, if I let him do his homework slowly, I will have a nameless fire in my mind, shouting, scolding him and even hitting him. Analysis, if you are angry, it is difficult to suppress, and you must vent, then the subsequent behavior is natural. So the fundamental solution is peace. How to achieve peace? We should reflect afterwards and change our cognition. First, the core thinking. The core idea here is that children should listen to their parents. You can think for yourself whether it is appropriate or not, and whether you can change a more reasonable cognition. Personally, I think: children are not born obedient, not soldiers, and there is no need to ban them. They also have their own rhythm, not necessarily synchronized with themselves. Then analyze the automatic thinking, which may be: Why does it take so long to do homework? Think about it at this time, there are many reasons for his procrastination, which need to be solved slowly, and it may take a process to solve it gradually. Think about your bad habits, can you correct them immediately? It would be much more peaceful to think like this. Think like this every time you encounter this situation, and with the method of developing children's good habits, you will develop new automatic thinking and become less and less angry. 9. You can also change your personality. Cognitive therapy can not only change children's emotions and behaviors in education, but also can be used to change many other aspects of emotions and behaviors. If many aspects have changed, I believe my personality has also changed. I have personal experience in this respect, and the magic is really great. Hang your appetite, please expect me to talk about how to change your personality with cognitive therapy in the follow-up blog post. My method is not easy to use, it needs persistence and perseverance, but it is really effective. If you want to change yourself easily and educate your children, I'm sorry to disappoint you.