Parents often try their best to have children, but the final result is often quite different from what they imagined.
Children's education is the greatest work in the world, and it is also a complex systematic project. But "parents", the profession that needs professional training most, are mostly "undocumented", which is really a terrible thing.
Parents need lifelong learning. By disassembling the book Positive Discipline, this paper breaks the inherent thinking, provides specific methods to grow up with children and reveals the password of children's behind-the-scenes behavior.
Dismantle books
Original book information: positive discipline
Publishing House: Jinghua Publishing House
Industrial and commercial bank number: 9787807246 176
Open book author
Zhua
The structural framework of this book
First, what is positive discipline?
1, Introduction
2. The concept of active discipline: the essence and needs of children.
Love is the premise of all disciplines.
Making mistakes is a good opportunity to learn.
5. Be sure to pass on the message of love to children.
Second, what should you do in the face of your child's bad behavior?
1, today's introduction
2. What is bad behavior?
3. Explore the purpose behind children's behavior.
4. Let the children bear the natural consequences.
5. What are the logical consequences?
6. Logical results are not the best way to deal with them.
Third, enter the child's inner world through birth order.
1, Introduction
2. Do children with different birth orders really have different personalities?
3. Encourage children with the knowledge of birth order.
Fourth, class meetings and family meetings.
1, Introduction
2. What's the difference between a family meeting and a class meeting?
3, the construction of family meetings
4. Some special challenges
Five, positive discipline toolbox
1, Introduction
2. Active suspension
3. Heuristic problem
4. Four steps to win cooperation
5. Summary
Cultivate the appearance of your dream child on the first day? -What is positive discipline?
Grow up with your baby and be your best self and parents! This is an ant private school, a good helper on your way to growth. I'm Zhu Ya from the parent-child growth camp. Today, I am disassembling a "divine book" in the field of parenting-American Nelson's "Positive Discipline". Please buy the original book yourself if necessary.
Active discipline is a way to discipline children without punishment or connivance. Dr. Nelson believes that only in a cordial and firm atmosphere can children cultivate self-discipline, sense of responsibility, cooperative spirit and problem-solving ability, learn social skills and life skills that will benefit them for life, and achieve good academic results. This is almost the dream of all parents for their children.
NO. 1 Pursuing children's essential needs
What are the most essential needs of children? I'm sure. The first is to affirm the rights of children. She or he is not an accessory of his parents. Regardless of his age, he is a natural person, no different from you. The second is to affirm the child's ability. Nowadays, children rarely have natural opportunities to feel their needs and their importance.
It is also the most secret and important thing-affirming the existence value of children. This is different from the praise that we often think you are great and powerful. This is connivance.
Help children develop healthy perceptions and skills in a more effective way: "Let's make rules that are beneficial to both sides. We must also agree on a solution that is beneficial to everyone when we encounter problems. When I have to make a decision alone, I will be firm and kind, safeguard your dignity and give you respect. "
Number two? Making mistakes is a good time to learn.
Our moral education since childhood is to be ashamed of making mistakes. In fact, we are not perfect, so we should have the courage to change our belief in "imperfection". "You made a mistake! Great, what can we learn from it? " Yes, it is us. When we regard mistakes as opportunities for learning, it becomes much easier to take responsibility for our own mistakes.
Many times, it is the bad behavior of adults that leads to the bad behavior of children. The author illustrates with examples that when adults remember to ensure that the message of love is passed on to their children, they will not only achieve positive results, but also experience more happiness.
The next day? There are no born "bad children"
Many times, children's behavior is just "commensurate with their age." Observe your children carefully. The so-called bad behavior is nothing more than the lack of common sense and effective skills, as well as the development of appropriate behavior, resulting from disappointment.
Adults often fall into the control of "primitive brain" because of lack of common sense, consciousness and skills. Developing proper sexual behavior means that children's brains have not developed enough to understand the requirements of adults. Their language or social skills can't make them express what they want. The author does not advocate letting children's bad behavior go unchecked. As adults, teachers or parents should at least bear the same responsibility for children's bad behavior. Let children control their own behavior, and we should also learn to control our own behavior. In this way, our behavior will be transformed into encouraging children's behavior without damaging their sense of self-worth.
65438 +0? Explore the purpose behind children's behavior
The primary purpose of everyone's behavior is a sense of belonging and value. The child's inner voice is: "I am a child, I just want to belong."
Children often don't know the real purpose behind their actions. But we can often find the reasons for their bad behavior from the following four wrong purposes.
Second, seeking power: I have the final say, not you, so I have a sense of belonging.
Third, revenge: I can't belong, but I can also hurt you.
Fourth, give up on yourself: I can't belong.
And we can judge which purpose leads to bad behavior by the emotional reaction to the child's behavior and the child's reaction when you ask the child to stop. Once adults really understand that a misbehaving child is a child who loses self-confidence, they will be willing to find ways to encourage the child. Encouragement is the most effective way to change children's behavior: an inspired child does not need to behave inappropriately.
Number two? Let children bear the natural consequences.
Natural results refer to anything that happens naturally. You will get wet without an umbrella; If you don't eat, you will be hungry; If you forget to wear your coat, you will catch a cold. ...
Let children experience the natural consequences, which can help children develop their perception of self-ability. What needs to be paid attention to here is not to exploit the topic and increase the blame, humiliation and pain. On the contrary, we should show sympathy and understanding for what children have experienced.
Number three? What are the logical consequences?
Unlike natural consequences, logical consequences require an adult to intervene in family meetings or class meetings. This is easily abused by adults as a disguised punishment. How do you define that you are bearing logical consequences instead of punishment? There are four screening criteria:
First, relevance;
Second, respect;
Third, it is reasonable;
Fourth, inform in advance.
If you miss any of the above, then what the child perceives is punishment. Adults like to use punishment, the purpose is actually the same as why children have bad behavior: to fight for children's rights and get back at them by making them suffer. But in fact, suffering is not the condition required by logical consequences.
Number four? Logical results are not the best way to deal with them.
Although the author talks about logical consequences at a great length, he always tells us in his articles that logical consequences are not the best tool to deal with most problems.
Many methods may be more effective, such as holding a family meeting, paying attention to and solving problems instead of the consequences of children's behavior, setting daily routines, providing limited choices, asking children for help, dealing with the ideas behind children's behavior, deciding what you want to do instead of what children do, implementing decisions with respect for children, embracing and helping children discover their choices instead of imposing consequences.
The third day? Walk into the inner world of children
Being in a family is like being in a play. Children play different roles in the play according to their birth order, and each role has its own obvious and unique personality characteristics. Birth order is not the only explanatory factor of personality development, but it is an important factor. Knowing this can help us walk into children and increase our understanding of children.
65438 +0? Do children in different birth orders really have different personalities?
Most children think that they need to be different from other children in order to have a sense of belonging and value. So children living in a family are often very different.
Bosses are the first-born children, and they often mistakenly think that first or best is very important.
Many youngest children are spoiled not only by their parents, but also by their brothers and sisters. This makes them mistakenly believe that they must constantly manipulate others to serve them in order to be important. Some of the youngest children decided that they must catch up with and surpass all the others in front to show their value.
Children in the middle often don't have the privilege and the least benefit of the boss. They may mistakenly think that they must be different from other brothers and sisters in some ways in order to show their value.
An only child may be like the eldest or the youngest. Most of them are willing or appreciate solitude, preferring unique experience rather than being first.
When the age difference between two children is four years old or above, the age difference will reduce the competition between them.
Number two? Encourage children with knowledge of birth order
Miss Jodie Moore is a fifth-grade teacher. When he found that John, a student in his reading group, had the worst reading ability and ruled out the possibility of talent and IQ defects, he learned through interviews that John was the youngest child in the family because he had never experienced a sense of responsibility and would not be motivated to do something for himself (including study).
The psychological test report shows that John is a gifted child. Teacher Moore changed John to the group with the strongest reading ability and said to him, "I find what a capable young man you are." I 100% believe that you have the ability to do better there. "
But for most eldest and second children, as long as they work hard, the effect of this sentence is disastrous. Bosses may be too nervous about pursuing perfection. For the children in the middle, this sentence may make them lose confidence. In fact, young people and old people don't like this sentence either, because their idea is that only when others take care of them can they have a sense of belonging and value. But Mr Moore succeeded because he encouraged, not disappointed.
Number three? Birth order and marriage
The largest and smallest are usually more attractive to each other. However, those qualities that attract each other at first often become boring later.
When two bosses get married, they usually appreciate each other's pride, but when they can't agree on who is in charge, the trouble begins.
The child in the middle may be the easiest to combine or the most difficult to combine. Depends on how rebellious or easygoing they are.
Only with mutual understanding, respect, cooperation and a sense of humor can any combination between people be successful.
The fourth day? How can the collective give children a sense of belonging, identity and happiness?
-Class meetings and family meetings
Choose to learn positive discipline, because everyone doesn't want to be a tyrant in the family or school, nor do they want to raise a child in king of the children or the shadow. So what group activities can help us live in harmony and help each other?
65438 +0? What's the difference between a family meeting and a class meeting?
Class meetings are suitable for teachers to learn. Family meetings apply to every family.
In the book, the author wrote a positive discipline method suitable for teachers-class meeting to help each other and solve problems. Teachers organize 10 minutes to read the agenda questions written by children every day, then brainstorm every point of view, read every suggestion, pick out which one is the most helpful, and ask the students who make choices when they are willing to start implementing the suggestions they choose.
Teachers need to give up control, invite children to cooperate, set an example and ask heuristic questions. Take responsibility for some problems, be objective, don't judge, and look for the positive intention behind every action.
Unlike class meetings, family meetings can be held once a week at a fixed time. Don't change or cancel family meetings because you are busy or something else.
Number two? The Construction of Family Meeting
?
Take turns to be the chairman: convene, take the lead in thanking, start to solve problems, be the first to speak, preside over the order, etc.
Take turns as a secretary: record meeting contents and decisions.
Acknowledge or thank you: Everyone starts by thanking each family member.
Agenda: A collection of issues to be discussed.
5 Solving problems: In family meetings, every solution needs to be agreed by everyone.
6 planning family activities: let everyone participate in the activities that everyone likes equally, and family members will be more willing to cooperate. How wonderful it is for a happy family to do some interesting and happy things together. The problem is that you must plan and act.
7 discuss housework: discuss housework at family meetings and let children help solve housework problems. Children will be more willing to cooperate if they can participate in discussion and choice. However, this is not a magic solution once and for all. The author found that every three weeks to a month, housework should be put on the agenda of family meetings: in the first week, children's enthusiasm is high; In the second week, I continued to do what I should do, but my enthusiasm was greatly reduced; In the third week, they will start complaining.
In family meetings, children can put forward new plans instead of the original ones, and you will find what great plans they can come up with as long as they are given a chance.
Third, some special challenges.
Young children (less than four years old) may interfere with family meetings. It can be held after they sleep, and once the children are old enough, they can attend some parts of the meeting, such as games and dessert sharing at the end. By the age of four, they can come up with creative solutions.
Teenagers often want the opposite of what they already have. Rebellion (personalization process) is normal.
Family meetings are equally effective in single-parent families. Family meetings are a good way to convey positive feelings to children and let them participate in solving problems instead of manipulating others.
Day 5 toolbox of positive discipline
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Through the first four days of study, we understand that positive discipline is a toolbox, which can help children form the quality of lifelong benefit. But how to do it? Three main positive discipline tools are described in detail below.
65438 +0? Active suspension
When people feel guilty, agitated and dominated by the "primitive brain", it is difficult to pay attention to and solve problems. Only when we calm down and connect our rational brains can we help solve the problem.
Active suspension is to make us feel better after we calm down, not to make us feel worse, nor to make us pay for our mistakes. Before using it, you need to understand these four principles:
1, take time to train. You can show it to your children first and talk to them about its benefits before using it. Tell your child the value of a cooling-off period. )
2. Let the children arrange their own pause areas. (If the child is too young to participate in the arrangement, then it is not old enough to use "active pause". Reading, playing with toys, resting and listening to music are all acceptable. In fact, children will do better when they feel better. )
3. Discuss a plan with your child in advance. When you have bad behavior, you can advise your children to go to the corner, or go with them, or go by themselves. )
When you feel better, if the problem still exists, you should follow closely to find a solution or make up for it. Calm is to solve problems, not "let the children go". )
How can you solve the problem when you calm down with the children?
Number two? Heuristic problem
Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is very different from imposing them.
What do you want to accomplish?
How do you feel about what happened?
What do you think caused it?
What did you learn from this incident?
What do you think of solving this problem?
……
It is important to note that if you want to enter the child's inner world, don't presuppose the answer. If one of you and your child feels guilty and uneasy, you can't ask questions. The heuristic questions you ask should come from your heart.
Number three? Four steps to win cooperation
You need to use these steps when you feel that there are obstacles in your communication with your child, which has caused your child to be dissatisfied with you.
1, indicating understanding the child's feelings.
2. Express sympathy, not forgiveness.
3. Share your true feelings with your children. Let children focus on solving problems.
Simply put, creating a cooperative atmosphere can teach children communication and problem-solving skills.
Have you learned?
Book here, a brief summary:
1, love is the premise of all discipline.
Making mistakes is a good opportunity to learn.
3. The primary behavioral purpose of all people is a sense of belonging and value.
The logical consequence is not to punish children. It is not a good idea for children to remember that children suffer.
5. Only with mutual understanding, respect, cooperation and a sense of humor can any combination between people be successful.
6. In class meetings or family meetings, ask enlightening questions, take responsibility for some problems, be objective, don't judge, and look for the positive intention behind every action.
7. Positive discipline is a toolbox, and how to use it in combination is analyzed in detail.
8. Creating a cooperative atmosphere can teach children communication and problem-solving skills.