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How many places in a heart are soft that people can't touch for a lifetime? However, it is inevitable to accept wind, frost, rain and snow. Perhaps, there are always many things in life that make us helpless and sigh. There will always be times when any effort will seem so pale and powerless. Also like the moon's profit and loss, where will you go?
Maybe it's a little early for me to say this. However, my heart, it has obviously been strongly afraid, resistant, but also seriously painful. How many midnight dreams, the scene of fear appeared in the dream so clearly that I burst into tears and was heartbroken. Fortunately, this is just a dream, although it is my own nightmare. But I prefer to believe that dreams are the opposite, just to prolong the life of the dreamer. And I, only because of too much subconscious resistance, will let my most feared scene slip into my dream at night.
All my life, I have been connected with love. Not only love, but also affection and friendship. Any kind of feeling is the most important in my heart. So many times, in front of the weight of feelings, I will become small and insignificant.
I have lived with my grandparents since I was a child, and I have deep feelings for my grandparents that are different from anyone else. They are more important to me than life. It is an indescribable affection, and it is also an indescribable complex in my life.
It's just that time goes by and the years are ruthless. My adult, also invisibly, pushed them in front of an octogenarian. This is a natural law that human beings cannot change, and it is also an inevitable cycle of life. However, I still can't accept this reality. I feel horrible. I was scared. I'm afraid of parting and losing. From a very young age, I would cry and say to my grandparents, "I don't want you to die, I want you to live all the time." At that time, my grandparents always smiled helplessly and distressed, touched my head and told me: "Silly child, my grandparents will not die, and will always grow up with you." Don't worry; "
Until now, my parents are still very young and always used to it. My parents are always worried about me. I never even think about other things about my parents. On the contrary, I concentrated all my troubles on my 80-year-old grandparents.
Grandpa is a retired cadre of the credit union, and all the children have their own families, stable jobs and happy lives. And grandparents' old age is also comfortable and peaceful. Coupled with the relatively affluent economy, it can be said that it is a luxury. However, time waits for no one, and grandparents have suffered from high blood pressure for many years. Actually, it's nothing. It's just that grandma, a few years ago, had a serious heart attack. In 2008, it was very serious. I have been in bed for nearly a month and can't take care of myself. Looking at my grandmother in the hospital bed, my inner world collapsed without exaggeration. So, during that time, I went to work during the day and stayed with my grandmother every night, for fear that I would not take a look and my breathing would hurt. From that moment on, grandma's heart disease was also my "heart disease". A month later, grandma finally recovered and her condition improved. As for me, I was tired and worried for many days and fainted on my way to work.
After a few years, my aunt who worked in the hospital really broke her heart for the health of grandparents. Especially for grandma's heart disease, every time I feel a little uncomfortable, my father always takes grandma to my aunt for the first time and then treats her in time.
I still remember one time, my grandmother's heart was a little uncomfortable, so I went to see her attending doctor, Dr. Bai, with my aunt. Because Dr. Bai was busy, my aunt was busy registering first, so I accompanied my grandmother and other doctors in the corridor. While we were chatting and waiting, suddenly a doctor in a white coat came in a hurry. I didn't see grandma's doctor at that time, so I didn't recognize the doctor that grandma Bai was looking for. I saw that when the doctor hurried past us, grandma suddenly stood up and staggered behind the doctor like a child. I grabbed my grandmother and asked her what she was doing. Grandma said to me a little foolishly; "That's Dr. White."
I looked back at the figure pointed by my grandmother. The busy doctor Bai obviously didn't come to treat her, because he left silently and disappeared at the end of the corridor in a hurry. Grandma's eyes and behavior when she saw Dr. Bai inexplicably evoked my deep sadness.
Just a week ago, grandma was taken to Dr. Bai by her father and aunt because she had difficulty breathing again. Diagnosis-right heart failure!
Do you know my feelings and feelings when I know this diagnosis? Without deep feelings and personal experience, you won't understand the heaviness of your mood and the strong stabbing pain in your heart. Holding the phone, my tears have poured out like a flood that burst its banks. Although menstruation said, "Dr. Bai said that there is still hope for correction. I have been mixing intravenous drip and daily medication for a week, and I will recuperate as soon as possible to treat the right heart that has begun to fail. "
But I still can't restrain my intense sadness. I am sad not only because my grandmother's right heart is failing, but because I clearly see an indifferent force, which is gradually approaching my beloved grandmother and then approaching again. At that moment, I suddenly burst out with an inexplicable hatred. Do you hate waiting for me, or do you hate being unable to drive out the disease? Or hate the fate of life for thousands of years? I don't know.
Over the past few years, with the growth of grandparents' age, I have seen countless scenes and dreams in my mind that I don't want to see until I die. I know, it's all because I'm too scared. The passage of time scares me, and grandma's relapse scares me again and again. Sometimes, I am so scared that I can't wait to find an empty place and shout a few times to release my unspeakable worries and deep resistance.
If, pray, it can really work. Then I will. I am willing to bow my head in front of the Buddha and pray with the most sincere heart: pray for the Buddha, be sure to bless the elderly grandparents to live a long life and pray for you, and don't condone grandma's illness to deteriorate again.
If, kneeling, it really works. Then I will. I would like to bow my head to the sun, the moon and the earth and pray to heaven with the most sincere heart: please don't let the years be ruthless, please let time slow down a little, let me have more time, enjoy my knees, accompany me around, and repay even one tenth of my kindness.
I don't know if my emotions are a bit extreme. Some fear in my heart seems to have turned into a demon, tearing my heart all the time. I dare not think, really dare not think. If one day. ……
That will be unbearable pain in my life, even if I just think about it in my heart, I will want to go crazy.
I am so sad and helpless at the moment. I don't know, how can I stop what I want to stop and change the reality I want to change? If I can, I would like to change my heart into grandma's body to make her happy and healthy. As long as I can, even if I have to die, I won't hesitate at all. But, is this ok? Is it really okay?