The "safe" baby is unhappy when his mother leaves, but he will be happy when his mother comes back.
The performance of "avoidance" babies is that when their mother leaves, their eyes will leave, and even if their mother comes back, they will continue to avoid and can't see her. These children act as if they don't care about their mother at all. But there is a sad discovery in psychology: when you measure the heart rate of avoidant babies, you find that they are actually very upset. Yes, they learned how to hide their feelings.
The "anxious" baby is very sad when his mother leaves and comes back, as a baby in urgent need of love. [ 1]
We can realize that a safe baby has a healthier mood.
On one occasion, my wife and I both went to other places for training and walked for a week. We communicated with DuDu, who is two and a half years old, in advance. He gets it, but he still misses his mother.
During our stay in other places, one day Dudu said that he wanted to cry, went to the dormitory, closed the door, cried happily for a while, and then came out to play. I heard grandma DuDu tell this story. At that time, I thought Dudu was an emotionally healthy child. He can understand and control his thoughts about his mother, and he can also release the pain caused by his thoughts by crying. After crying, he can restore calm.
Dudu misses her mother very much, but there is no pressure to miss her. Missing becomes a healthy life experience.
In those days, he wanted to cry, and sometimes he would lie on the ground and cry happily for a while. He'll be fine after crying. Keep playing. This is emotional health.
Healthy emotions may come from our usual contacts.
I remember when Dudu was about 2 years old, her mother didn't want her to go to work and would cry. Dudu patiently comforted Dudu: "Mom knows that Dudu misses Mom, and Mom also misses Dudu, but when Mom comes back from work, she must go to work and accompany Dudu."
Later, we tried to get up early for a while. After breakfast, Dudu's mother accompanied Dudu for a while, hugged Dudu and comforted him when he left. In this way, after a period of time, when his mother left in the morning, Dudu would still be unhappy, but he could accept it.
Mom and dad accept his emotions, that is, accept the child's experience, accept and encourage him to release and relieve his emotions through crying.
When writing this article, Dudu is almost three years old, the Spring Festival holiday is coming to an end, and her mother is going to work soon. When eating, we talked about telling Dudu early, and Dudu said directly, "Yes, or the baby will cry." Yes, children began to talk to us about such things.
In every morning, every little experience, accept the child's experience, accept the child's emotions, and accept the child. In this way, we have built DuDu's healthy emotions, his sense of security, and his ability to feel love.
When Dudu naturally hugs and kisses his family and says "I miss you" and "I love you", bits and pieces of his growth often come to my mind. We have never deliberately trained him how to express and control his emotions, how to express his emotions and how to express his love. Perhaps the safe family atmosphere nourishes his ability to feel and express love.
Safe babies are not only emotionally healthier, but also have stronger learning ability.
The researchers first determined the attachment patterns of a group of infants aged 1 year. When these children were 4 years old, the researchers gave them a gadget experiment. In the experiment, children don't know what unusual gadgets are. In this case, my mother said this gadget was fep, but another stranger said it was dax. Then, for children, mothers and strangers are almost equally likely to be right. Do another experiment at the same time. This time, the children saw a hybrid animal, a "fish bird". This animal looks like a bird most of the time, and occasionally looks like a fish. Mother calls it a fish, and strangers call it a bird. Both answers may be right, but the stranger is more likely to be right. [ 1]
The safe child said it was fep in the gadget experiment. It can be seen that when anyone can be right, they choose to learn from their mothers instead of strangers. But in the "fish-bird" experiment, they said it was a "bird", which shows that when strangers are more likely to be right, they choose to learn from strangers. [1] That is to say, a safe child should respect the truth first, and then trust his mother.
But the behavior of avoidant children is different: they say that the proportion of fep and dax is almost equal, that is, they learn almost as much from strangers as from their mothers. [ 1]
Those anxious children also have different performances: in the fish-bird experiment, even though their mother may be wrong, they choose to believe what her mother says. [ 1]
Therefore, children with different attachment patterns learn from others in different ways.
Through the above experiments, we can feel that safe children can learn better, and when they are not sure, they will choose to trust close people. Avoidant children actually don't know who to learn from, while anxious children focus on trusting their mothers, not being more correct.
If you can use your own experience to understand the differences between different learning styles, we will find that the differences in learning styles will continuously affect our ability to choose and accept information.
For example, a safe baby can better choose to believe the facts, which means that learners will try to explore the facts when the facts are unclear, which can make a person think more deeply, be good at seeing problems from different angles, think from multiple angles, be better at retaining doubts and have stronger recourse ability.
Avoidant babies are hesitant learners. They don't know how to get information, which makes learning full of contradictions, rather than thinking about contradictions.
Anxiety baby's learning style tends to be that someone can tell him a definite answer, and he is not good at thinking unclear and contradictory questions.
Therefore, safe babies learn better.
Children's sense of security needs to be gradually established in daily interaction with their parents.
Learning from mistakes is the basic learning ability of many animals, and human beings are better at learning from mistakes. It's just that many times, children lose this ability under the heavy pressure and anxiety of their parents.
Parents blame too much, such as "I told you so, you see, it just doesn't have a long memory." "I didn't tell you? It's all right now! " Even a simple "deserved it!" .
By blaming, we vent our anger on our children, hold back our grievances for a long time, or prove that we are right and the children are wrong. At this time, children are not only sad, but also have to focus on coping with parents' blame, resisting parents' criticism and avoiding punishment; Instead of restoring calm and introspection.
One day, water spilled out of the bathroom door. I told Dudu that there was water at the door, so be careful to slip. After a while, he hurried over and slipped at the door. I'll pick him up and hold him. I felt that he was all right, so I asked him if he hurt. I asked him if he was scared and cried if he wanted to.
After comforting for a while, the child stopped crying and went to play. I didn't think much about it either. After a while, he went to the bathroom to find his mother who was washing clothes. There was no water at the door, but he avoided the place where he slipped just now, hid far away, held the wall and dragged his mother's clothes to his side.
I am thinking: children can quickly learn to avoid danger in their mistakes. Please rest assured that children will learn from their mistakes and let them grow up.
It is only because of too much blame, especially from parents, that children are afraid of making mistakes. The first reaction after making a mistake is to avoid admitting it, talking about it and saying it, because these all mean blaming and being more sad.
Therefore, how children face mistakes can sometimes show whether a child has a sense of security, and can also reflect a family's concept of parenting.
In a safe atmosphere, making mistakes is not only a part of learning, but also a way of learning.
Therefore, children will face challenges more actively, constantly explore and pursue deeper cognition.
And children's sense of security is based on daily life.
For example, every time you face a mistake, the parents' reaction and the family's daily dialogue about the mistake are integrated into the child's heart, into the child's emotional reaction, into the child's thinking, and the child's unconscious reaction to the mistake is constructed.
Therefore, be kind to you, be kind to every day, every second, every sentence and every tone is watering the children's sense of security.
If there is no daily practice, when you realize it, you will deliberately build it. Unfortunately, it may have grown like that. Therefore, you are better and have healthier and smarter babies.
In the next article, we will explore more parenting skills to support children to grow up healthier and smarter.
Literature:
[1] Alison gopnik: Gardeners and Carpenters, Zhejiang People's Publishing House, 20 19.
Knowledge recommendation:
1. The Gardener and Carpenter by Alison Gopnik
2. Beast WeChat official account articles "Parents' Language-Learning Happens in Everyday Discourse" and "Curiosity-Why Children? "Why is it important?