Popular science of psychology
In America at the beginning of the 20th century, men in every family had to undertake very heavy work. Many people have experienced the war and formed the habit of bad temper and drinking. At that time, it was difficult for most children to get close to their father, let alone get his love and education. At that time, there were many cases of children and teenagers running away from home. Blankenhorn of the United States discovered and recorded these phenomena in his book America Without Father's Love. At the same time, he also pointed out that boys who are not loved by their fathers are more likely to have violent tendencies, get hurt, get into trouble, get poor grades in school, and are more likely to join bad gangs in adolescence. Girls who lack fatherly love are more likely to feel inferior, and will have sex with others earlier, although not out of her intention, and then they may get pregnant, be despised by others and be unable to continue their studies.
In recent years, psychologists have conducted a more in-depth study on the role of fathers in child rearing. A study conducted by Yale University 12 shows that children raised by their fathers have high IQ, energy, sociability and good academic performance. In our consulting cases, fathers often say that "the children are not close to me, and it is a little depressing just to find a mother", "I am too busy at work, always on business trips, and have no time", "I always forget things when I take care of my children", "Our family is divided, and my father is responsible for making money to support my family, and my mother is responsible for cooking and taking care of my baby"-the final result is that my father began to be marginalized. Is this really the case? What does the role of father mean in children's lives?
The significance of father in the growth of daughter;
First, improve self-confidence and self-efficacy. Psychologists have found that mothers are responsible for providing a sense of security, and the formation of security attachment is mostly provided by mothers, while fathers provide confidence for their daughters and improve their sense of self-efficacy (referring to people's confidence in whether they can use their own skills to complete a certain work behavior). Daughters who have been accompanied by their fathers for a long time are less likely to be anxious at key points in their lives, such as entering a higher school, applying for a job, falling in love and getting married. In the movie "Leftover Women Are Kings", the heroine Sheng Ruxi is a high-quality single white-collar worker who is over 30 years old. With the success of her career, her love life is blank, which has become a topic of constant concern for her family and friends. In such a situation that "old age is a leftover woman", facing the balance between career and love, and the decline of social status brought about by the growth of age, Sheng Ruxi finally recognized himself and made a bold confession. In the movie, Sheng Ruxi's father said, "My daughter is here with me. She can only be happy and can't do anything else." "That was more than 30 years ago, she came and made me a father. I also hope that she is happy, really happy, and can get married without regrets. I can give her hand to another man without regret, and I will not regret how I sent her away. " How can a girl who grew up in such an environment not be calm?
Second, the father is the key figure to decide whether the child is happy or not. As the first man in a girl's life, her father established his views on children and men. Dad's practice of joking, quarreling and discussing with his daughter in his own company can improve his daughter's communication ability with the opposite sex, and he will be more generous and decent in interpersonal relationships, and will not be easily tempted and manipulated. If a daughter is respected by her father, he will not accept other men's disrespect for her, let alone become a victim of domestic violence. Girls who get along well with their fathers are more likely to deal with love and marriage, which directly affects the quality of their daughters' married life.
Third, what will happen to girls who lack companionship? Girls who have a bad and cold relationship with their fathers are more likely to rebel and have extreme behavior in adolescence. Because of the lack of father's care and attention, the lack of father's love will make children even more revenge, revenge on their fathers who don't love themselves, revenge on their "unlovable" selves, and revenge on close people. Their destructive power is much higher than that of ordinary girls, and they are often very extreme. They may be puppy love, self-abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, racing, drug abuse and other exciting things. Girls whose fathers are often away from home because of their busy work are more likely to feel guilty and want to please their fathers, while in love or marriage, they will show bottomless sacrifice and even lose themselves.
The significance of father in the growth of son;
The father passed on male behavior to the boy. For a boy, his father is his role model and the most direct behavior template. His every move will remain in the child's mind like a movie, and his similar behavior will be internalized into his own aesthetic standards and efforts.
First, hobbies. Dad who loves long-distance running can often cultivate a boy who loves sports; Father and son who often repair things generally like games with strong hands-on ability; Father and son, who often read books at home, usually like reading books. In our experiments on several groups of families, when the father and mother spend the same time with their children, the father's influence on his son's interest is far greater than that of his mother.
Second, values. Children's values are partly determined by their natural temperament types. The values of boys are largely influenced by their fathers. Fathers are brave enough to face difficulties, and boys are often braver and less likely to shrink back when making life choices. Fathers respect women and attach importance to family, and boys will show more concern for women. Fathers have a strong sense of morality, and boys will also show strong moral binding force, especially after entering adolescence.
Third, children's emotional expression. By observing his father and other men, sons learn how to express and deal with their emotions, such as sadness, anger, happiness and fear. When we express our feelings, there is no need to avoid children, because children must know that their parents are emotional people, which is a good learning opportunity for children. For example, when the father is very angry, he should express his emotions appropriately and actively, seek solutions or lose his temper, throw things at random or even have conflicts with others. Different ways of handling them will leave different learning templates for boys.
4. What will happen to a boy without company? Sun Yunxiao, deputy director of China Youth Research Center, said: "The vulnerability and low anti-frustration ability of children in China are closely related to the lack of fatherly education. China's father did not play its due role in cultivating children's independence. " Long-term lack of paternal love, the baby may suffer from "paternal love deficiency." Some studies in the United States, Britain, Germany and other countries have found that the younger the child who lacks paternal love, the greater the risk of syndrome. The absence of father has a more obvious impact on boys, which will weaken boys' gender identity and make them less confident. Its symptoms are often emotional irritability, impatience, loss of appetite, impulsiveness, timidity, dependence and depression. Research on human behavior shows that 80% of "juvenile delinquents" belong to such a situation: they either have no father, don't live with their father, or often don't get his attention. It can be seen that for adolescent boys, the father is like a moral force, which always restricts the behavior of his son.
How to be a competent father;
First, fix the time of parent-child activities. Time is the easiest to say and the hardest to do. If a father thinks that work is equal to loving children, he may still have no time. Going deep into our own hearts, it is not difficult to find that the content of work is more about the realization of personal value. At the same time, we often see that some dads put their relaxation time, such as brushing their mobile phones, brushing videos and playing games, before parent-child time. We must know that if we love children, we must understand that there are more things to do with children than work. If we can arrange regular parent-child activities every day, week and month, it will be very helpful for children to win the sense of fatherly love, and it will not become a burden, but will make us feel the greatest satisfaction and relaxation.
Second, always hug, caress, kiss and tell your love. Hug your children, whether boys or girls, roll around and laugh with them, tell them that "Dad loves you and always loves you", tell them that you are happy, sad and sad, tell them that you have the ability to solve these problems, read picture books with them, discuss topics of interest, and don't be a silent father, because children have not been able to capture the emotions behind adults' silence well.
Third, establish emotional connection. If fathers often go to work early and come back late, they can also establish some specific emotional connections with each other, such as a smiling face painting, a paper plane and a message paper. When children get up in the morning, they will always feel their father's love, which is irreplaceable by no amount of money.
Fourth, be a better self and be an example. The father set an example for his daughter to choose a spouse in the future, and also set an example for his son for life. Studies have shown that the way a father treats women will become the daughter's initial view of men, forming the first cause effect. If she likes this way, she will find a future partner in this way, and she will be proud from the heart. If you despise or reject it, you will feel confused in the intimate relationship in the future, don't know what you want, and probably make mistakes in judgment. Instead of worrying about her daughter's risks in society, it is better to accompany her now and give her optimistic and inclusive fatherly love, so that she can understand love. For boys, fathers need to be themselves and be better themselves. Boys will learn and imitate their father's attitude towards things, thinking that this is a point of view that should be learned and worth learning. Freud described this as a father's role-children often follow and imitate their fathers in order to become like their fathers in the future.
Kiss recommended by the healing picture book to dad.
Synopsis: Is there a warmer and wiser parent-child story in the world than giving dad a kiss? The source of its warmth and wisdom comes from the gentle, meticulous and patient love of Father Bear. A good father, like a good mother, is a school for children. Just like the father bear in the story, he knows his children's psychology, personality and inclination like the palm of his hand, so he can follow the trend and follow the lead, and complete the care, encouragement and guidance for his children in seemingly games and frolicking. What runs through this story is the warm love between parents and children, which flows out gently and slowly in father Xiong's heart, eyes, conversation and witty behavior, nourishing his young life and pure heart. The sweet kiss and big hug given by the bear to his father are the reward for the warm and selfless love of the calf.
Suitable scene: 2.5-6 years old, father and daughter or son and parents read picture books, which can be used as bedtime reading materials. Even though the parent-child relationship with his father is somewhat alienated at present, I believe that through the metaphor and guidance in the picture book and the vivid performance of his father, children will definitely fall in love with this book and even love the happy time of being alone with their father.
Book version: recommended hardcover, suitable for long-term frequent reading.
Go on, don't miss →→→→→ Kiss Dad's picture book reading guide to improve the reading efficiency of picture books.
Reading guide:
(1) presents reading. This book can be easily mastered even by the father who just started reading it with his parents. You don't need much imagination, just read the stories in the book.
(2) read while playing. In reading, in order to catch your baby's attention as much as possible, you can read and do while playing. For children over 3 years old, you can try to perform this picture book with your children. For children before the age of 6, moderate reading while doing will not form bad habits, but can help children better understand the contents of picture books. However, readers should pay attention to that "reading while playing" is limited to imitating and learning the content related to picture books. Unlike children playing other toys or games, readers read picture books for their own amusement.
(3) self-study. This story will also tell all the people who have been and will be fathers how to be a good father.
If you have questions about children's psychological problems and picture book reading, you can leave a message and I will answer them one by one.