In fact, children's separation anxiety is a very common behavior in the development of children's attachment to their relatives around them. Let's popularize it first. What is separation anxiety?
? Let's all review the development of our children. In the first three months of life, I feel that the baby at this time is "not sensible" and will not be attached to anyone, that is, we often say "don't recognize strangers." At this time, it is easier for mothers to take care of their children, feeling that everyone can hold their children and mothers can get proper rest.
When the baby is four to seven months old, the child gradually becomes familiar with her regular caregiver. I remember Yi playing in the living room with her grandfather when she was more than one or four months old. At this time, she didn't know strangers. However, for me walking back and forth in the living room, her eyes are always staring at the direction I am going. Then grandpa said, "Look, she already knows who her mother is at such a young age!" " "Yes, at this time, although the baby didn't feel very painful about her mother's departure, her heart was different from that of the first three months, and she began to know that her mother was her fixed caregiver and had a certain attachment to her mother, and this attachment would become stronger and stronger with time.
? When Yiyi was just four months old, we had just returned to Wuhan from Beijing. Yiyi and her father have not seen each other for two months. When she got home, Yi and her father showed obvious indifference. In the next two months, apart from long-term contact with her father, she obviously rejected strangers. Relatives and friends wanted to hug her and basically cried.
When Yi was half a year old, she was shy in front of strangers. She is willing to accompany me in a strange environment, and she also shows some uncomfortable reactions to strange faces at home. So, at this time, many elders began to enthusiastically teach me some "prescriptions" to deal with:
"You can't always hug her, let her play by herself!"
"Don't hug her when she cries, just let her cry. If she cries, she won't cry. That's what kids do. The more she hugs, the more she wants you! "
? "If you have nothing to do, just throw her to others. You should do whatever you want. You'd better hide and don't let her see you, so she won't cry. "
? "When a child cries, you hug him. This child is so shy in the future, how can he play with others? I don't know how to get on the table when I grow up! "
? "How did you cultivate such a good child? Look at other people's children, anyone can hug them, her mother can play casually, and this child can eat when he grows up! "
I am very grateful for the experience of these elders. The purpose is to make me more relaxed. I know that this method you are talking about is crying immunity, and it is a complete sleep training method. These methods can really train a good baby who seldom cries, so that his mother can worry and save effort. However, the people who published these opinions didn't tell you the amazing truth behind the story. I am glad that I got the qualification of psychology before I got pregnant, so I know something about this "crying immunity method", otherwise I will always believe it!
Psychoanalytic psychology believes that the relationship between parents and children in childhood determines the character fate of children throughout their lives. The mother-infant relationship is the most important, which determines the child's most basic sense of security and existence. The background of life is happiness or misfortune, which has been laid before the age of 3. As psychologists, a large number of cases are caused by the failure of mother-infant relationship. Their pain is beyond words, and only very difficult and long-term self-growth can repair it.
So let's take a look at what is "cry immunity" and what is its historical origin?
? "Give me a dozen healthy babies and bring them to my unique world. I can guarantee that one of them will be randomly selected and trained to be any kind of person I choose-doctor, lawyer, artist, businessman, beggar or thief, regardless of his talent, inclination, ability, occupation and ancestor's race. " -John Watson, founder of behaviorism.
At present, the core concepts such as crying immunity training, delayed gratification training, and independent and complete sleep training for infants, which are wildly spread on the Internet in China, all come from this. The utopia of behaviorists is a completely programmed, bare and emotionless world-man is not a sacred spiritual existence, but a machine. How the environment is shaped and trained, and what kind of results will be output.
Let's see how this "master" was trained in his own family:
John Watson published the book Psychological Care for Infants in 1928. In this book, he advocates a parenting system of behavior correction, and trains, shapes and corrects children as machines. Watson believes that children should be respected, but beyond emotional factors, so as not to develop the bad habit of relying on parents. This book has changed the way American children raise their children. A whole generation of children, including himself, grew up in this way.
His sons described Watson as "unsympathetic and emotionally unable to communicate." He unconsciously deprived me and my brother of any kind of emotional foundation. "
? When John Watson became famous in academic circles, his tragic eldest son Reina betrayed behaviorism and turned to psychoanalysis to become a psychoanalyst. Perhaps the emotional trauma of childhood loss was too serious for psychoanalysis to save Reina. Reina committed suicide many times and then committed suicide in his thirties.
His ex-wife's two children have also been having a hard time. The daughter committed suicide many times, and the son has been wandering and living on Watson's charity.
? The tragedy of the Watson family who advocated and practiced the "behaviorism infant training method" also continued in the third generation: Watson's granddaughter Mary Yette remembered that her mother Mary was silent and irritable, secretly drunk and tried to commit suicide many times. Mariette is an alcoholic herself and has considered suicide many times.
? The seeds of tragedy were actually planted as early as Watson's childhood. Watson's father had a bad temper and abandoned his wife and children. Watson was bullied by his classmates and was arrested twice for violence. The despair of love in childhood made John Watson devote his life to building a "programmed empire without emotion".
? Crying immunity was once popular in the United States because of its quick effect, ease of mind and labor. Children who grew up immune to crying later suffered from sleep disorders, personality disorders and even schizophrenia. After paying the price of a generation of American children's happiness, this way was finally deeply reflected and abandoned by Europe and America, and John Watson was once rated as one of the most annoying people in the United States.
? Mothers who have given birth in Europe and America now get advice from midwives and doctors on "intimate parenting". Intimate parenting and on-demand feeding have become the most basic knowledge in European and American countries.
? Therefore, no matter what sounds are made around me, I can objectively adhere to my principles and give love and hug to her mother in time when the child needs me.
? Because a person with children for a long time can only meet the needs of children as soon as possible. When I can't meet them in time, I also do it "before the people arrive, the sound comes first"! Then, for the needs of Yiyi, the mode I often respond to is "timely response, delayed satisfaction"!
When I hear her cry, I will respond to her: "Baby, mom heard it, mom is coming!" " "Then, while finishing the work at hand, talk to her at a distance, wait until you come to her side, touch her easily, comfort her and hold her up later. If the mother holds the baby nervously at this time, it will also bring a tense atmosphere to the baby, and the baby is likely to make a conditioned response to the mother's untimely response, so that the mother will become extremely nervous in the future.
? Therefore, they didn't take the advice of their elders when they knew something about crying immunity, and they didn't take it for granted after telling them that this method might bring various hidden dangers to adults. Then, I choose to be a "nuisance" and stick to my principles.
? From half a year old to more than one year old, Yiyi is very attached to me, and I often express my love to her, so this half year is a painful and sweet time. Pain comes from exhaustion and physical overdraft, while sweetness comes from Yi Yi's healthy psychological development.
? Therefore, based on this healthy reaction, I gradually felt the magic it brought: I began to call my mother for more than five months, because I often told her "eat grandma", called my grandmother for more than six months, called my father for seven or eight months, called all my relatives for more than one year and said some simple sentences for one and a half years. Started asking me "why" yesterday. . . . . . You know, asking "why" marks the beginning of left brain development. Under normal circumstances, the left brain will begin to develop around the age of three, and Yiyi just turned two, which really excited me for a long time last night!
? So when did separation anxiety begin?
? Under normal circumstances, between one and two years old, separation anxiety reaches its first peak and will resist the mother's departure. Once she found out that her mother was leaving, she would cry, cry and roll, and try her best not to let her go. And even when she was over one year old, this kind of situation often happened. I'll try my best to calm her mood, and I won't leave regardless of her feelings. The general practice is to tell her when to leave and when to come back, find her favorite things or toys and accept people's company before leaving, and gradually transition from a short time of a few minutes to half an hour, an hour, three hours, half a day and a whole day, so as to cultivate a kind of "transitional object" to replace maternal love.
? So I have been going out a lot recently, and Yiyi is used to it, because she is convinced: "Mom will come back!" " "Sometimes say goodbye face to face, sometimes she left without me. I still remember the first time I said goodbye face to face:
? One day after lunch, I told Yiyi, "Honey, my mother will accompany my grandmother to the hospital for a while. Why not play with my aunt and grandpa at home? "
? Yiyi: "no, mom plays with me!" " "
I said, "Look, my aunt is going to take you out to play now, including rocking wooden horses, playing marbles, and a lot of delicious food! Mom will go out for a while and come back at night! "
Yiyi pulled me out and said, "Mom (accompany me) to go out to play ~"
I squatted down and said, "Mom will be back after going out!" " "
? Yiyi: "All right!" Then, when my aunt was about to go out, she suddenly remembered something and ran back to take grandma's hand and said, "Every family is sick ~, every family is sick ~"
? Later, he took my hand and said, "Mom, stay with me ~"
I thought she insisted that I go out to play with her and was about to explain it to her again. Suddenly I found her holding my hand and coming to my grandmother, saying, "Mom, stay with me, everyone, you are sick ~"
? I instantly understood the intention of the baby suddenly turning back. I was moved, and repeated and perfected her sentence: "Mom is accompanying every family to see a doctor, is every family sick?"
Yiyi said, "Yes!"
? "Will the baby go out with his aunt in the afternoon?" I asked, and Yi nodded and ran out immediately. I reminded her, "You haven't said goodbye yet!" "
? Yi Yi turned around and said to her grandmother, "Goodbye, everyone!" "
"Who else?" I asked. Yiyi immediately said, "Goodbye, Grandpa!" "Who else?" I keep asking. After thinking for a while, the baby said, "Bye-bye, everyone!"
? I still asked her, "Who else?" The baby paused for a longer time and looked at me hesitantly: "Bye-bye, Mom!" " "
? "Bye-bye, baby, mom will be back at night!" I responded to her with a smile.
? After that, she skipped out to play with her aunt.
? This is the first time she accepted the fact that I left and said goodbye to my face. I would have done this at that time, because, first, my grandfather and aunt were both people she liked; Second, she goes out first, there is fun outside; Third, she trained me for my short leave and made a long transition; Fourth, she firmly believes that her mother will come back!
? Speaking of "Mom will come back", when I talked to my dad last night, he also said, no wonder, I couldn't believe it when I heard that Mom wouldn't come back at night last night. I kept chanting in bed at night: "Mom will come back!" Dad also quarreled with her: "Mom won't come back tonight!" " Yiyi argued: "Mom will come back, I have to wait for Mom!" " ! "Dad and Yiyi quarreled several times, and Yiyi cried and said," Mom will come back! " "Then I fell asleep while talking. After my analysis for my father, my father suddenly realized that Yiyi, like me, is a person who will stick to his beliefs!
? Children with healthy and safe attachment can get better guidance during the period of separation anxiety, while children with safe attachment have high self-esteem, often enjoy trustworthy and lasting interpersonal relationships, are good at seeking social support and have good ability to share feelings with others. In this regard, I will give you a detailed popularization next time, how to establish a healthy attachment relationship with children!