Self-growth psychology
Know yourself.
When we understand the importance of introspection and start to do so, these problems will haunt us either explicitly or implicitly until we reluctantly close our eyes and never open them again.
Do you still remember what your childhood dream was-to be a PLA man? Scientists? Angels in white? Dung digger? People's police? Have you ever forgotten your political ambitions, business fantasies and dreamy idealistic romantic pursuits in college? Today, are you exhausted in the trajectory of your house, car and children, or are you struggling to climb the cliff of career, utility and fame? When you suddenly calm down, even though you know that there are many friends and relatives around you, there will still be an inexplicable strong sense of loneliness and confusion invading your whole body. We can't help asking ourselves, who am I, what am I living for, what do I want and what can I get? Intuition tells us that we are getting farther and farther away from the self we really want, becoming more and more material and chaotic. Someone may comfort you and ask you, "You are getting more and more mature and closer to reality, so just move forward in a down-to-earth way." Isn't life like this? "However, when you torture yourself mercilessly, you are in a dilemma: am I really getting closer and closer to my true self? Who am I now, who am I going down this road, and who do I want to be?
Zhang Hui, a comrade-in-arms who once lived in a rental house with me for five years. When we first graduated, we were both in our early twenties and worked together. I remember he told me that he would become the department manager of the company within four years (it is said that he is equivalent to a deputy division level). At that time, he was high-spirited, high-spirited, and felt that he was a dragon and phoenix among people, and he would become a figure of great concern. Other mountains were dwarfed under the sky. Not too distant future. Even at night, I am often awakened by his nonsense. But after working for less than half a year, he began to complain that the work was complicated and trivial and should not be done by high flyers like him. He always thinks that his boss is incompetent and doesn't know the art of leadership, and he is not qualified to lead him at all. He thinks the company is a stagnant pool, but he is by no means a fish in the pool. . So he began to be absent-minded, dragging his feet to cope with work and looking for a new owner, and almost all his spare time was spent in KTV and cinemas. Drinking, chatting and shopping have become the norm in his life.
"As for finding a new job, his salary is either too low or too hard. This mentality of being swayed by considerations of gain and loss has kept him from bravely taking the step of job-hopping. In a blink of an eye, four years in blowing in the wind. At work, because of his perfunctory, not only did he not get the boss's approval, but he was also labeled as irresponsible and mediocre (his ability is actually very strong), and his future was therefore bleak (fortunately, he was fired in state-owned enterprises, but in private enterprises). Let's go to the food stall to drink draft beer. Zhang Hui said to me with a deep sense of drunkenness: Brother, it's been four years, four years. Not only did I not get what I wanted, but I also found that I almost lost myself. What else can I do? What is wrong with me?
I have to say that Zhang Hui is a typical example of disorientation between ideal and reality. From overestimating himself at the beginning to underestimating himself later, he didn't really recognize himself for four years. In fact, people like him are everywhere. Those who work for two years will be angry that they are overqualified. Those who have worked for three or five years will insist on "this choice is what I want", and those who have worked for seven or eight years will sigh "I only know what I want now, but I don't know what I want. The only thing I can do is not to give up. "People who have worked for more than ten years will be very helpless." I have no strength, maybe this is my fate! "
What the hell is going on here? It seems that everyone is lost.
Franklin said: there are three things that are extremely difficult to crack, steel, diamonds and your own heart. Yes, it's hard to know yourself, especially in such a materialistic age, and it's not surprising that you are divorced from your true self.
From a psychological point of view, the ego includes not only what we are now (for example, I am a handsome guy, I am single, I am born after 80, and so on). ), including what we want to be-powerful, rich and beautiful, and what we are afraid to be-obscene, poor and unloved.
We always tend to regard ourselves as the core of the world, so we overestimate the extent to which others point fingers at our behavior. We tend to exaggerate our talents and have many unrealistic ideas, but in fact, we may only be a very small role. Because of my wrong evaluation of myself, my dream suffered a heavy blow because it could not be realized. At the same time, the pursuit of material and utility makes it easy for us to limit our pursuit to a very narrow range-it can be said that there are too many problems, and the frustration of those who can't get it can be imagined. In addition, the arrival of setbacks often leads to the collapse of self-confidence and self-esteem, which also leads to the emergence of inferiority complex. The result of underestimating yourself is to think that you are so much worse than others, resulting in a sense of helplessness and incompetence, thus becoming negative and shrinking.
Especially for those of us who grew up in a collective culture, most of us are almost planned by others-how to think, how to act, what books to read, what university to go to, what to do, when to have children, and so on. The role we play is basically what others want, not what we want. One day, when you have a little idea of "I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't live like this, I have my pursuit", you will be confused except for fear, because we have lost the opportunity to recognize ourselves from a very young age, and we don't know what our true selves are, let alone how to pursue them.
Self-knowledge can help us measure the gap between what we think we have and what we really have. If the real you are as good as the ideal you are, then you will have a better self-awareness. If you are not as good as you want, you can say that you don't know yourself clearly enough.
Knowing yourself correctly is actually a long-term thing, which should start from a very young age. It's a pity that we can't start all over again. Let's start now. Psychologist m? Scott. Parker once said: "Life is a hard journey, and the journey of mental maturity is quite long." However, this does not scare us. On the contrary, it leads us through a series of difficult and even painful changes, and finally reaches a higher level of self-awareness. "
We should learn to accept challenges and constantly reflect on ourselves. From the psychological and subconscious point of view, only by accepting the challenge can we get real comfort. Only when you encounter all kinds of pain caused by inaccurate self-cognition, after constant self-reflection, can you meet your unknown self. Only when our mind has accepted long-term or even frequent self-discipline, self-knowledge is closest to the truth.
We should be honest. Not only can't lie to others, but also can't lie to yourself. For those who want to pursue promotion, learn to express their personal views in moderation, but don't lie. The balance between truth and expression will enable you to discover and know more about yourself.
We should learn to connect our past with our future. Try to complete such a fill-in-the-blank question "I am." Give at least ten answers to describe your current stable situation, for example, I am a civil servant, I am a competitive person, I am depressed, I am a false mother and so on. Putting these answers together is your self-concept of yourself. Next, you do another fill-in-the-blank question "In five years, I hope." Give ten answers (not too many, be careful not to be choked by greed), such as hope to be happy, hope to be a department manager, hope to travel around the world, hope to donate 10 poor students, etc. Then, compare the answers to the two questions, analyze the relationship between them, and see which one is feasible and which one is out of reach. If it is not feasible, it should be adjusted or eliminated; For the feasible, a clear five-year plan should be listed. For example, after five years, I hope to be a graduate student (with the same academic level), so I will save enough money in the first year, choose a good school and major, take the exam, and go through the admission procedures; Study hard in senior two and senior three, and complete all kinds of national unified examinations and school examinations; In the fourth year, concentrate on writing papers; In the fifth year, I successfully completed my thesis defense and got my degree. In short, no matter how big the dream is, we must find the correct path to realize it, learn to adjust the goals reasonably according to different stages of development, and decompose them into practical small goals. Only in this way can we successfully connect the past and the future, and then complete every small goal every month, quarter and year.
He who knows others is wise, and he who knows himself is wise. The winner is strong, and the winner is strong. A person's biggest opponent is not others, but himself. Only when people know themselves thoroughly can they accept themselves, face themselves, believe in themselves, rely on themselves, exercise themselves, get rid of themselves, surpass themselves and achieve their own success.
Noble self
In the movie "king of comedy", Yin Tianchou (Stephen Chow) and Liu Piaopiao (Cecilia Cheung) have such a classic opposite play:
Mommy took Liu Piaopiao and others to find the lonely walk-on actor Yin Tianchou and learn how to pretend to be a student girl to win the favor of the clients.
When he was lecturing in Yin Tianchou, Liu Piaopiao kept calling him "You are a dead walk-on!"
Yin Tianqiu smiled and seemed to inadvertently emphasize: "In fact, I am an actor."
Liu Piaopiao: "Are we really here to listen to a dead walk-on nonsense?"
Yin Tianchou: "Miss, if you must call me a walk-on, can you not put the word' death' in front?"
After being ridiculed by Liu Piaopiao many times, Yin Tianchou said emotionally: "In fact, when you come out to sell, if you know how to respect others, then others ..."
Before this sentence was finished, Liu Pu was beaten with a folding chair.
Although Yin Tianchou is only a walk-on actor, he loves performing arts and has a strong artistic impulse, so of course Liu Piaopiao or others are not allowed to offend his dignity as an actor. Just like every time he went to an audition, he insisted on his own performance concept and style. Even if he lost many opportunities and even couldn't get along with a box lunch, he never gave up on himself and kept on persevering. Liu Piaopiao, persistent pursuit of his own love, although in and out of places of debauchery, but did not bow in front of money, even if rich money beat her, beat and scold her, she did not give in. When Yin Tianchou said "sell", she did not hesitate to defend herself by force.
This bridge vividly depicts the real inner world of Yin Tian, Chou He, Liu Piaopiao and other small people in society, that is, although we are humble and down-and-out, we also have our own inviolable dignity and are eager to gain respect from others!
Or Stephen Chow. The movie "Agent Naomi" starring him (as a wife with loose hair) and Carina Lau (as a wife with loose hair) explains this to us with love.
As a royal spy, he is actually just an inventor who knows nothing about martial arts. He was expelled from the abandoned palace because he failed to complete the task of catching the four monsters in the Jianghu assigned by the emperor. As far as bits and pieces are concerned, his "career" is undoubtedly a failure. After returning home, he disguised himself as a charlatan and muddied among the people. However, the emperor was completely disappointed with him. Although he was recalled to the palace, he was not allowed to take part in the action to protect the state of Jin. When I got home, Ling Ling, who was lost and sad, lost her temper at her wife: "Now, only you praise me in the world, what's the use?"
Wife: "I don't care if it works, I just think you are great." You are great, of course I praise you. "
Zero zero hair: "There is a very important medical conference in Kim, but I am not qualified to attend."
Wife: "Who said you didn't? I said you did. "
It doesn't matter if the whole world says I don't have it, just say I do!
In the eyes of his wife, Chi Mao is a typical hero and the smartest person in the world. Others look down on him only because they don't appreciate him. The recognition and encouragement of his wife gave him great dignity and courage, which enabled him to overcome his inner humbleness, give full play to his specialty of being laughed at by others, and win back his own glory.
From this, we can easily see that dignity is not established by material and status, but has great power and is an inner recognition of self-worth. It can make us feel the warmth between people, let us live the best of ourselves, and may create more value than money.
Dignity means being respected, mainly in personality, rights, work and emotion. From the psychological point of view, dignity means treating yourself and others as an independent, free and complete person with unique nature and personality. Finding dignity can make people full of confidence in themselves, enhance personal happiness, stimulate individual creativity and improve team combat effectiveness.
But in the materialistic moment, dignity is as elusive as a flower in the mirror and a moon in the water.
Some people sell their dignity and shout, "Better be a mistress than marry a poor man!" " "I would rather cry in a BMW than laugh on a bike"; Some people trample on the dignity of others. They insulted waiters in restaurants, insulted petitioners in offices and scolded staff in offices. Some people don't even know they have dignity. Afraid of losing their jobs, they knelt down. They dare not go into the so-called high-rise office. They let arrogant doctors order them. ...
In fact, everyone has his own dignity, regardless of status or money. It's not just the people at the bottom of society who are shouting "Give me back my dignity". This distorted society uses power and money to protect those in high positions from harm.
Maslow, a humanistic psychologist, believes that human needs are hierarchical, and the need for respect is one of them. "The need for respect can be divided into internal respect and external respect. Inner respect means that a person wants to be strong, competent, confident and independent in various situations. In short, internal respect is people's self-esteem. External respect means that a person wants to have status, prestige, respect, trust and high praise from others. "
Rousseau once said: Every upright person should maintain his dignity. Dignity does not fall from the sky, but largely comes from personal efforts. Although both external value (money, status) and internal value (free will, faith) can increase individuals' positive evaluation of themselves, it is internal value that plays a decisive role in the end. However, many people lack intrinsic value.
Some people will not shrink back passively because they are born in poverty or because the tasks they face are arduous, but they will have high morale. They have a strong sense of self-identity, and hope that others will think he is very good, admire him and make unremitting efforts for this goal. And some people will choose to escape in the face of the same suffering. This is a sign of inner weakness. For them, dignity is out of the question.
Only when a person has self-esteem, self-love and self-improvement will others look at you with new eyes. Even if poverty is ordinary, it shines with awe-inspiring dignity. If you belittle yourself, even lose the bottom line of your personality, or even give up on yourself, who will respect you? As Suhomlinski once said: Without self-esteem, there is no moral purity and rich personality spirit. Sense of honor, pride and self-esteem-this is a stone that can temper delicate feelings.
The acquisition of dignity also depends on personal modesty. If people want to realize their dignity, they must be modest. It is true that human nature has dignity, but it is still unclear and incomplete. Dignity is mutual. When one party gives you respect, you should make a sincere response and give others more care and respect. If you only pay unilaterally and ask for nothing in return, you will never get real respect.
However, if you want to live with dignity, it is not enough to rely on personal cultivation and self-cultivation. Because the lack of dignity can not be completely attributed to the strength of the individual's heart, a certain lack of social system is also an important factor to deprive people of dignity. I would like to ask, who lives with more dignity than the ant family with a monthly salary of more than one million yuan and the state-owned enterprise executives whose food, clothing, housing and transportation are all consumed by public funds? Who will look up at those dignitaries who go in and out like "heaven and earth" and the security guards standing at the door? Who is more eager for dignity, a government official who always uses his power to deprive others of their rights, or a street vendor who is greedy and fired from the urban management early in the morning to support his family? It can be seen that living a dignified life is not only a personal matter, but also an important task of the country and an inevitable requirement for establishing a fair and just social system.
Because some external factors are beyond our control, if we want to get a sense of dignity, we must find ways to get it independently, just as Aristotle said: a person's dignity is not obtained when he wins an honor, but lies in his true value to it.
Everyone is hard to satisfy.
But excessive narcissism is not desirable, especially in the workplace. Nowadays, many people believe in personal heroism, and believe that we can create a world and hold up a vast blue sky by our own efforts. Therefore, although many people are brilliant, they often ignore their due cooperation and just work hard, hoping to win their own glory with their own work achievements. In fact, as an individual, even if you are talented and omnipotent, it is difficult to succeed, because one's strength is limited after all, and it is difficult to make satisfactory achievements by oneself.
There is a fairy tale that vividly expresses the importance of the team to the individual: Aetna is the Hercules in ancient Greek mythology and the son of Poseidon and Gaia. His strength is boundless and invincible. But he has a fatal weakness. Once he leaves the earth and his mother's nourishment, he will lose all his strength. When his opponent discovered the secret, he designed to lure him off the ground and killed him in the air. Later, people called the phenomenon of losing a certain ability once out of the corresponding conditions "Aetna effect".
Antai effect tells us that a fearless lone ranger, no matter how great his skill is, is doomed to failure if he leaves the team and fights alone. Therefore, we should learn to rely on the collective and the team. There is a famous saying: "If a drop of water never dries up, the only way is to throw it into the sea." Therefore, only when an employee is fully integrated into the whole team can he give full play to his ability and create greater value.
If you are labeled as a "lone ranger" in the team, you must do the following things as soon as possible:
First of all, the mentality changes. Change the mentality that others are not as good as you. Perhaps colleagues, subordinates and even leaders are not as good as you, but you have to believe that you can't do all the work in the enterprise alone. You need others, colleagues to cooperate with you, leaders to support you, and subordinates to exercise and grow. If you lose their support, you will only be busy all your life. We must abandon the "lone ranger" thought and "elite consciousness", bid farewell to "self-esteem, willfulness and self-righteousness", and treat our work and colleagues with an equal heart. Only in this way can you really change your image.
Second, role transformation. You don't need a lone ranger in the workplace. Today's cause is a collective cause, today's competition is a collective competition, and a person's value can only be reflected in the team. Therefore, the failure of 2 1 century was not defeated by anything else, but by ignoring cooperation with others or not cooperating with others. For enterprise employees, whether they are professional managers or ordinary employees, they should reposition themselves, do their own jobs well, and fully cooperate and authorize them. Only by trusting and respecting others can we arouse everyone's enthusiasm.
Third, cultivate overall awareness and implement coordinated operations. The fundamental function or role of the team is to improve the overall operating performance of the organization. Whether it is to strengthen individual work standards or to help each member achieve the goal better, the significance of team existence lies in making the team's work performance exceed the individual performance of the members, and making the team's performance composed of all parts and greater than the sum of all parts. The effectiveness of team work will eventually be tested at one point, which is the spirit of cooperation.
Fourth, establish the idea of active service. Sincere and equal internal communication is the basis of establishing the concept of active service. Everyone has a desire for success, but success is not waiting, but achieved through hard work. The role of the team is complementary. In daily work, many things are not perfect, and some places that are easily overlooked are often very important. This requires us to carry forward the team spirit, actively provide quality services to other departments, try our best to help others solve problems, and let all aspects of the organization be one step ahead.
Finally, we should play a team spirit without losing our individuality. Formal collectivism stresses that collective interests are higher than individual interests, and individual interests are subordinate to collective interests, pursuing convergence and burying individuality and specialties. Team spirit respects individuality and specialty, and makes personal hobbies and achievements complement each other. The formation of team spirit is based on personal hobbies and achievement development.
Teamwork is not against personality. A good teamwork atmosphere will not only not suppress individual creativity, but will give members more freedom and encourage them to show their unique advantages in their work, thus promoting the team and individuals to win the first place. However, cultivating team spirit is not unprincipled. The same principles, feelings, interests and goals as * * * are the ties that keep a team together. Without these, nothing can be done. Team spirit is produced in principle. Abandoning principles and accommodating individuals, although satisfying individual interests and needs, will play a misleading role, which will inevitably lead to distraction and loss of team cohesion. Without human cohesion, what team spirit is there?
Dare to think and do and the Brittan donkey effect
"They all say they are thirty years old." Pengpeng put his head in his hands and complained to me, "I'm 30 years old, and my job is the same as it was seven years ago. If I want to earn money but have no position, I will break my so-called backbone and continue to repeat the work I did when I first joined the company. Alas, nothing is "established". If you had been as bold as Zhiyi, you wouldn't have fallen to this point today ... shame. "
In 2003, pengpeng entered a good company and started a non-professional clerical job. Although many people who joined with him jumped ship in the second year, the relatively leisurely work, stable treatment and welfare calmed his restless heart and stayed down. Although pengpeng has his own ideas about his work, he is afraid to communicate or put his ideas into practice, because he is a newcomer, not a trained person. Over time, the monotonous work content killed his passion and made him want to leave after three years of work and engage in a job that can give full play to his professional expertise. However, considering that married employees who have been employed for more than four years can share rooms, he gave up several opportunities. In the fifth year, he got married in order to get a house. Soon after, a particularly good opportunity appeared, and pengpeng thought it was time to leave. However, the company put a sentence: people can go and the house must be returned. Although the house is not big, it is always your home. After careful consideration, pengpeng gave up the idea of leaving.
"My wife and I are the same age, and they are not small. At home, we have decided to have children this year. When I think about the large expenses in the future, I dare not have other ideas. Forget it. Anyway, my major is abandoned. I don't know what else to do. I'd better stay honest, at least I have a stable income. " Pengpeng said helplessly.
Because of indecision, pengpeng lost the trust of the company leaders. Many people with similar qualifications and poor abilities have been promoted one after another, so he can only stand still.
Pengpeng is a "Breeden donkey". He hesitated between the company's relatively good welfare and leisure atmosphere and his favorite career. He wants to leave for a period of time, but he is reluctant to leave for a period of time. For seven years, although he had an idea, he dared not think or do it. In a state of constant vacillation, he lost his pursuit and confidence.
In fact, in our life, there are not a few such "donkeys".
Brittan in Brittan Donkey, which I mentioned, is a French philosopher. He is famous for proving that it is impossible to follow one's inclinations under two opposite and balanced thrusts.
His theory was called "Bridan donkey effect" by later generations. It accurately reflects the typical psychological state of "pengpeng": being swayed by considerations of gain and loss, vacillating and hesitating in the decision-making process. The consequence of this is often that the sesame seeds are lost and the watermelon is lost, or even nothing is obtained, and finally it is too late to regret.
The "Bridan donkey effect" comes from a story: Bridan keeps a handsome and thinking donkey. One day, he bought some forage from a nearby farmer to feed his donkey. Because the farmer is an amateur philosopher, out of admiration for Brittan, he sent an extra pile of forage.
In a flash, the donkey was shocked. Two piles of forage with exactly the same quantity, quality and distance are placed in front of it, but it can't eat. "Eat the rest first, and the rest is fresh. No, you should eat right first. The right one tastes delicious. No, we should eat the one on the left first ... "It started a fierce self-debate, kept looking around, and couldn't tell which pile to choose. Finally, the thinking donkey starved to death in hesitation and confusion.
Although "pengpeng people" don't starve to death like donkeys, they are always caught in the dilemma of repeated weighing and not practicing when faced with life choices due to the influence of psychological factors such as being swayed by considerations of gain and loss, timidity and lack of self-confidence, and many external conditions. However, in reality, opportunities are often impatient. If you can't think hard and make decisive decisions, you will lose many opportunities to change your destiny.
In fact, many times, our indecision stems from our deep self-confidence-low evaluation of ourselves and great fear of failure or uncertain consequences. Therefore, no matter what kind of circumstances, when we feel confused and in a dilemma, please calm down and try to examine ourselves carefully and evaluate ourselves correctly from the perspective of a third party. Don't overestimate or underestimate, recognize your own strengths and weaknesses, treat your own shortcomings correctly, get rid of the bad habit of avoiding risks, cultivate a healthy adventurous spirit, turn pressure into motivation, make continuous progress and enhance your self-confidence. We should actively make up for our own shortcomings, be fearless of the uncertainty of the consequences, make decisive decisions and make the right decisions. Even if the result is not as expected, be prepared to bear the consequences. And this kind of bold courage and adventurous spirit is the quality of successful people.
Learn to think independently and adopt decisive decision-making methods. You should have your own opinions, don't deny your firm beliefs and plans at will, take the bigger goals that are in line with your medium and long-term development as the first choice, and don't blindly value immediate interests-this is often the enemy that tempts people to give up their pursuit and hinders their progress. Most successful people stick to their pursuit and make decisive decisions on the principle of "delaying satisfaction". They will take the initiative to postpone their current enjoyment for the long-term benefit, which is not only a manifestation of psychological maturity, but also an important part of emotional intelligence. The so-called "how can you see a rainbow without experiencing wind and rain" is the truth.
Don't be greedy, enough is enough. In fact, looking around and thinking too much are all caused by greed. Greed leads to too many temptations, which not only affects the accuracy of judgment in advance, but also brings the problem of bad chewing afterwards. Therefore, in the face of diverse choices, we must put an end to the greedy mentality and stop.
Learning philosophy well will benefit you for life. There should be more dialectical thinking about social life phenomena and less extreme and one-sided emotions. Be more tolerant and understanding of the difficulties in social life, learn to analyze problems dialectically and comprehensively, think and analyze from the overall situation and overall height, distinguish between primary and secondary, and grasp the main aspects of major contradictions and contradictions.
Grasping the present, losing is also a gain. Give up, give up, no give up, no gain. In the journey of life, you will inevitably lose a lot of things, such as property, lover, opportunities for further study, promotion, making a fortune ... In any case, what you gain will be lost, and what you lose will be gained. Winning or losing is not a temporary decision. Why spend too much energy and let yourself fall into temporary gains and losses and miss the opportunity? Everything is changing, the only constant is change.
Therefore, instead of being depressed by the loss of pain and sigh, it is better to seize the present opportunity and do the things at hand wholeheartedly. Whether I find pleasure in my work or not, I will be affirmed by others, and then I will be praised for your character, because everything I do reflects my personal quality. When we do things with our heart, the character gradually cultivated will help us better open our minds and help us know ourselves. Maybe one day, we will find that in those days when we are more or less complaining about missing opportunities, we have grown up, become focused, clear-headed and confident, and opportunities may follow.