Father often compares him with other people's children every day, which makes him feel that his father doesn't like him. He is very wronged and angry.
The child's grades are not ideal, and his parents and teachers blame him and always compare him with other children. Children who are often treated like this will have great psychological pressure.
Although the boy's approach is more extreme, "other people's children" has always been an unavoidable nightmare for children growing up.
According to a survey report of the Social Investigation Center of China Youth Newspaper, 83.4% of the parents interviewed have compared their children with other children.
Many parents believe that through this comparison, children will see their own shortcomings and motivate themselves to become better.
But this kind of incentive is often counterproductive. When parents educate their children with a "comparative" attitude, the children have already lost!
The harm that "comparison" education brings to children is endless. Only by abandoning endless comparison can parents let their children grow up healthily.
Behind comparative education
It is parents' lack of confidence and vanity.
When I was a child, there lived a couple upstairs in my grandmother's house and a daughter at home. They came to work in this city from the countryside in order to make their children more promising. Their daughter has lived up to her parents' hard work and her grades have always been among the best.
Sometimes neighbors talk about some parents' shortcomings and always avoid talking about them or answer, "I only have a primary school diploma. How can I understand it?"
When the daughter did well in the school exam, the husband and wife could still boast: "My daughter did better in the exam ..."
Perhaps, only by comparing their children's academic performance with their neighbors can couples eliminate their children's self-confidence in working in cities from rural areas.
Many people with low self-esteem will set strict requirements on themselves or their relatives to maintain their self-esteem.
Therefore, parents' self-confidence urges them to focus on their children, make up for their psychological deficiency with more demands and cover up their self-confidence in life.
In the unit, children are the talk of adults when they relax, and also the bargaining chip in secret.
In the TV series Little Joy, Ji's father Ji Shengli is a deputy district head.
Ji Shengli hopes that his son will become a dragon and phoenix among the people, be able to give himself a long face and be worthy of the status of deputy district chief.
In the process of his son's growth, Ji Shengli was absent for a long time, which led to his son's extreme rebellion. The relationship between father and son is very tense, and various frictions often occur.
During a placement exam, Ji Shengli gave his son an order: "My son Ji Shengli will never be allowed to enter a slow class!" "
How can a prominent leader like Ji Shengli allow his son to enter a slow class? Isn't it embarrassing for my son to enter the slow class?
It's not just a season victory. Many parents in life regard their children as their "face" and "chips" to compare with others, hoping that their children can satisfy their vanity.
Comparative education is a kind of lazy politics in family education. On the surface, it is concerned about children's achievements and growth, and behind it is more parents' confidence and vanity.
Blind comparison will make children lose themselves.
Distort the child's psychology
In the TV series Stewed Sydney with Rock Sugar, Zhou Ran and Tang Xue are cousins. When I was young, as long as there was a game in Tang Xue, the whole family would get together.
Obviously, Zhou Ran also won the prize in the English competition, and she also won many "three good" students, but everyone in the family revolved around Tang Xue and no one paid attention to her.
Everything at home is compared with Tang Xue, who lives in the shadow of Tang Xue.
I turned a blind eye to my achievements at home, but I just called her Tang Xue. Slowly, she became jealous of Tang Xue and tried to make trouble for Tang Xue.
Simply comparing with other people's children will make children feel that they can't get the attention and love of their parents, which will lead to jealousy and hatred.
Dr Susan Forward wrote in Poisoned Parents: "No child wants to admit that he is inferior to others. They want to be recognized, and their understanding of themselves often comes from the evaluation of recognition. "
Those children who are often hit by their parents in comparison and can't get their parents' affirmation and recognition are also full of doubts about themselves and often fall into self-denial. Children will think they are incompetent and unworthy of being loved.
And those children who are always compared are also used to comparing themselves with others, so they are easy to be jealous and care too much about other people's opinions.
More seriously, children will hate people who are better than themselves, thus losing their good moral character of learning from Excellence.
When educating their children, parents should avoid blindly comparing or even hitting them, but give them more positive comments so as not to cause psychological trauma to them.
How to avoid comparison,
Educate children in the right way?
Parental education is like the steering wheel on the road of children's growth. The wrong method is bound to make the child's growth trajectory deviate and even go to the cliff.
How to avoid comparison and correctly guide children's growth is particularly important;
Trust and encourage children.
Brad, the hero of Call Me First, is a person who has Tourette's disease since childhood. At first, he didn't know why he always screamed and twitched uncontrollably.
His father always thought that Brad couldn't control himself, lost patience with Brad, and even yelled at the children in public, treating Brad differently from his youngest son.
This made Brad feel inferior and afraid to face everything about himself.
Brad's dream is to be a teacher, which is just an ordinary dream for ordinary people, but it is an unattainable dream for a Tourette's disease patient.
His mother has always encouraged Brad and never showed a trace of giving up on her son.
Both parents love Brian, but they love him in different ways. My father just realistically advised him to give up being a teacher and didn't want to see him get hurt. Mom said, I believe you can, and you won't lose to it.
Finally, with the encouragement and support of his mother, Brian got a teaching opportunity in a primary school. It was also in his first year in office that he won the best new teacher.
Brad's success is inseparable from his mother's help, and it is because of her encouragement that Brad realized his dream.
Trust and encouragement, let children know their own value, have a positive attitude, and maintain a self-motivated spirit on the road of chasing dreams. Parents' encouragement and trust are the greatest motivation for children's growth.
2. Respect children's personality and dreams, and let children be themselves.
Faye Wong's children, Leah Dou's growth from childhood to adulthood, has always been concerned.
Although her parents gave her a comfortable environment for growing up, Leah Dou's experience and personality were questioned online.
On the Internet, she was criticized for tattooing, smoking and even dressing style. Too many people worry that she will become a negative example of the second generation of Xing.
Wang Fei, on the other hand, speaks for his children, defends their "rebellion" and treats them equally.
"You can't be bad, but you can be bad", which is Faye Wong's demand for Leah Dou.
Leah Dou dropped out of high school twice, and then dropped out of Berkeley Conservatory of Music. Every time she asks her mother for advice, the answer is "Don't regret it".
In fact, every time Leah Dou made full preparations for his choice, he became a better self.
This is closely related to Faye Wong's "free-range" education, which allows children to know their own uniqueness and complete their own life value while distinguishing right from wrong.
With the respect and understanding of parents, all children's personalities and dreams can shine in unique places.
Parents should avoid unintentional "injury" when educating their children.
Some time ago, when Sun Li found out, he was sometimes unhappy and so on. After looking for a professional educational psychology teacher, I found that the reason turned out to be a casual comparison between adults!
Sun Li said: "Adults will compare their children intentionally or unintentionally in the process of speaking. Adults don't care, children will be wronged, and negative changes will occur over time.
A little carelessness on the part of parents may cause great harm to children.
As parents, we should always pay attention to children's emotional changes and consider their feelings. Pay more attention and less attention.
Don't let the parents' casual words subtly destroy the children!
Parents' "comparative education" brings more negative effects to children, and blind comparison will cause great pressure and trauma to children.
Giving children more encouragement and trust and respecting their personality and dreams is the best education for children.