Since Ningning entered the nursery four months ago, as long as I have nothing to do for a few hours, I will fall into a strange circle of anxiety and self-blame. I am a person who likes watching TV dramas very much. In the past ten months, to be honest, I have never seen any Japanese TV dramas. I told myself that I sent Ningning to school because I had a job and a thesis, and Ningning would go to school because I had a job and a thesis.
Since last September, I have insisted that I don't want to drop out of school, so I still have to fly to Beijing to report my progress. The scholarships are basically spent on air tickets. Among them, if a group meeting is held in Beijing on Thursday, I will fly there on Wednesday night and return to Tokyo on Thursday or Friday. Before the class, there was a group meeting on Friday, that is, flying on Thursday night and flying to HNA Feiyu field on Friday night, so that Ningning woke up the next day and began to take care of her and let her mother-in-law who came to help go back to rest.
Usually when I bring home, I will make non-staple food, accompany picture books, play with toys and take photos together. I am with you all the time. During these times, I have an invisible timetable for what I want to do. I would rather eat, take a bath, play with picture books and sleep, all of which must be completed within a certain time. Generally speaking, she will fall asleep in her room around eight o'clock. Before going to bed, I can have at least three hours to eat, work, write papers and exercise. But as long as Ningning hasn't fallen asleep after 8: 30, I will start to fall into anxiety.
Starting from this year 1 month, the original unit asked me to go back to class. I don't want to give up my long-lost teacher platform. At the end of the class, Ningning was cross-infected in the sick children's nursery because of a cold and was hospitalized with adenovirus. When she was in the hospital, she only gave me a hug. Just going to class, coming back during hospitalization, let my mother-in-law help. When I gave her a hug, her hand didn't leave and she began to scream and cry. She has always been a child who doesn't cry very much. After explaining some precautions to my mother-in-law, I turned to leave the ward with my husband, held back my tears and followed me through the crying of the ward door. I hope that no matter how old she is, I will never forget it. I only hope that she will live healthily, and I finally decided to compromise with myself.
If you can't finish the paper, you can't finish it. If you can't attend the class, don't attend it. I haven't been able to learn Japanese well. It's not too late. Only exercise has stayed, and I think the more this time, the more you should exercise. The rest, just put it aside for the time being. As soon as I have such an idea, Ningning may have sensed it tonight. She dragged me to play and stayed in the room until nine o'clock. I took out the living room, played with the building blocks again and listened to the music picture book again. This is the first time in three months that she went to bed before nine o'clock except for illness, and it is also the first time that I didn't feel anxious because of the passage of time.
Everyone says that being a mother is a process of reconciliation with yourself. Is this a settlement? Or compromise? Or sacrifice? Or willingly? In fact, everyone pursues different things. Others are others, and this other person has other people's dreams, saying that dreams sound great, but dreams don't matter whether they are high or low. How many people in the world are dreaming different dreams. Self-identity is not given by others, nor sought by oneself, but comes from one's own inner identity. For more than half a year, I doubted whether I could call my child a mother. Once, I doubted that I had reached a morbid level. Once I caught my eyes and ears, the poison of self-doubt spread all over my body. I admit that my pride won't allow me to bow my head so soon. I am angry and consume myself to face it. I know I can't do this anymore. Finally, I have to sit down with my husband and talk about my mentality. The ship I am sailing needs someone to share. Sometimes, things come and the time to touch your heart comes. Face it, pick it up or put it down. There is only one time in life. Don't do nothing because you are afraid, don't do it because you are afraid of not doing well, don't be afraid, just don't be afraid.
I want to cherish everyone at work, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law, but the priorities are replaced with each other and the proportions are different. Remember, you are yourself, not who others say you are, okay? I wrote it in Ningning when I was ten months old. For myself, I hugged you when I saw the last line.
About the author │ Misa L. Podcast? Host of Overseas Children's Aviation Chinese Channel. Graduated from Chinese Department of Tainan University, Ph.D., School of Chinese as a Foreign Language, Peking University. Mr. Japan currently lives in Tokyo and has a daughter. Parents who want to raise and live overseas can use words to encourage and share the excitement of live high.
"This article is the author's view on cooperative innovation, not his position."