Why do we hate our parents when we are depressed?
One day, the circle of friends saw a very popular article: "Xu Kaiwen: Are parents really" evil "? Yes, people who have suffered from depression probably know the influence of family background on us.
Each of us has more or less psychological scars, probably because there is no perfect parents and perfect family, especially the love and hate between parents and children.
When depressed, many people resent being born into a family. In fact, behind hatred is deep love. So what are the aspects of depression, a love-hate relationship?
Conflict with parents
Why do we hate our parents when we are depressed?
The deeper you hate, the less you can get love.
0 1 the influence of childhood
On the one hand, the conflict comes from hating my parents to cultivate me into such a character, which leads to depression;
Blaming my parents unconsciously gave me a lot of shackles, which required me to get ahead and gave me heavy pressure;
Hate that my parents never really loved me. ......
Therefore, when I am depressed, every time I hear "I often go home to see ... the elderly don't want their children to make much contribution to the family, so it is not easy to get together all my life", I find it ironic.
I especially blame my parents. I feel that my parents never love me, but they love me conditionally. I hope to get ahead and love me.
When this kind of blame intensifies, it becomes: hate, then intensifies, and finally becomes punishing parents: cutting off contact with parents, or punishing parents through self-attack.
Unable to realize parents' ideals.
Unable to live up to our parents' expectations, we began to blame ourselves and feel guilty. Because my parents still have many relatives and friends who are comparing with my parents, I also feel that my parents are reluctant to give up. They just want to be number one. I should win honor for my parents and make them look good.
We also want to be the children they yearn for, the good children they want: successful career and shining threshold. Because only when we become what they want will they love us. So the subconscious is actually that we want the love of our parents.
I wrote in a circle of friends: "The Chinese nation is a nation that values filial piety. The biggest problem for China people is not filial piety, but being bound by filial piety at the same time. "
Therefore, when I can't be the excellent child they want (I have actually achieved what I can, but my goals are frustrated because I am too demanding of myself), I can't realize my parents' expectations, especially when I am depressed.
I began to feel guilty and blamed myself, and then I kept hinting at myself: how can I be so useless? This kind of emotion is getting stronger and stronger, and it has evolved into: hating yourself; Then constantly strengthen, and finally become more and more annoying, more and more can not accept themselves, and then began: self-attack
Parents can't understand us
When it is impossible to go back to the past and the future, we are powerless, so we ask for help. The first step to ask for help must be the people closest to you: parents.
When we ask our parents for help, because they don't know about depression, they don't know that our hearts have collapsed.
Either blame us, think we have nothing to find, and think we think too much. ......
Or when our parents see that our willpower is paralyzed and we lose any behavior, they think we are lazy and start to stimulate us with what they call provocation. ......
In other words, parents are very distressed about us, so they began to be brought into this mood, and they began to be anxious and anxious.
Blame and provocation lead to our anger, which turns into hatred when it gets worse. Their anxiety leads to guilt and self-blame, and the result of guilt and self-blame is to hate themselves and finally attack themselves.
So we can see that hate is mixed with love, and love is mixed with hate.
How do I handle conflicts with my parents?
Why do we hate our parents when we are depressed?
Let go of hatred and life will be easier; Learn to love and life will be happier.
I also dealt with this conflict almost after accepting the reality. The way to deal with it is to understand your parents, forgive yourself and forgive your parents.
0 1 Understanding parents
It is necessary to understand why parents treat us like this and why parents subconsciously instill so many values into us. In fact, to answer this question, we should trace back to the parents' family background, their social background at that time, the setbacks and social pressures they faced.
For example, my family, on the one hand, is my parents' doting on me, on the other hand, my father's anxiety, so the environment I felt when I was a child was oppressive and unsafe. But after slowly learning to understand my father, I will find that my father actually lacked love when he was a child, because my grandmother died when he was 9 years old, so my father did this.
It is difficult for parents to understand depression (especially our parents are over 50 years old) because it is new knowledge for them. You know, many people in this society don't understand depression, not to mention our parents. Even we can't describe it clearly to them ourselves.
Communicate with your parents and forgive yourself.
Communicate directly or indirectly with my parents and tell them that I can't do what they want (that's unreasonable), that's not what I really want.
I have communicated with my parents many times.
I told my parents:
"I don't want to compare with others, and I hope they don't compare with others. Spent material resources and energy, doing a lot of things to show others faces, I am also very tired ... "
"To live for the recognition of others and lose yourself, the final result is very painful ..."
"In fact, we speak very well compared with many people, but we don't have to and can't be better than every relative."
"If you can't start a business, you can work with peace of mind, and your income is actually better than many people."
""I can't bear hardships like those rich relatives, and I can't bear so much pressure. I am a woman, not as good as some relatives ";
"I don't want to work so hard. I actually want to have time to develop my own business hobbies after work, such as reading and food, instead of working ... "
Maybe, at my parents' age, we can't change this habit and the values rooted in their hearts at all, but I said what I wanted and didn't want. At the same time, I also told myself: This time, I will live for myself.
Then, all we have to do is forgive ourselves. In fact, everyone is filial, but filial piety or loving others needs to be based on learning to love yourself and live a good life.
From now on, abandon all your guilt and self-blame, because there is no need for guilt and self-blame, and we are not wrong.
Forgive your parents and learn to love.
In fact, I also hated my parents for a long time.
This kind of hate:
First, I feel that my parents don't really love me, and I only exist to satisfy their vanity.
Second, this hatred actually comes from ourselves: because of our parents' expectations, in order to gain their love, we also set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, or ask too much, but we can't meet them. Then it leads to unacceptable self, and this hatred of self is projected on parents.
Second, accept yourself. For details, please refer to my previous articles "Growing Up: Recognizing Yourself and Finding What You Want" and "How can I not care about other people's opinions? 》。
For the first one, if you can't communicate, just let it go. It can be done: it is enough not to hate parents and not to be influenced by parents.
Thanks to depression, I have gained a lot.
In fact, from our own growth process, we can also sum up many experiences and lessons of parents' education of their offspring's physical and mental retardation, so as to learn to get along better with their offspring. Isn't that a good thing?
I often talk to Lun Lun about our education view after the baby is born:
If you don't quarrel with Lun Lun, you must let the baby see and feel that the husband-wife relationship between us is very harmonious and happy, so that ta can learn to love, learn to pay and learn to cooperate (so we really haven't quarreled since pregnancy);
Give your baby enough love so that ta won't lose herself in order to gain the love of others;
Learn to control your emotions, and don't let the emotions brought by work or other places affect your family (I will digest the emotional problems myself now, and I will find Lun Lun when I finish digesting them or I really can't digest them), instead of doing nothing but complaining as in the past;
I will never tell my baby that the world is dark, but learn from Lun Lun and look at the beautiful side of the world with a kind eye, so that his heart is full of kindness and beauty;
Let the baby not be eager to ask for a return after paying, like Lun Lun, and ask for immediate results and learn to be grateful. ......
All this, instead of regretting that my parents didn't do it well one day, it is better to study ahead and do everything well now, instead of regretting it; If you do well now, you must firmly believe that you can do well in the future, so that you don't have to worry about it in the future.
Therefore, not regretting the past and not worrying about the future means doing everything well now, instead of worrying about regret, even now is not good. Because everything in the present will become the past in the future, and so on, always worrying about the future and the past, such a life is not good.
Analyzing your own growth process can really sum up a lot of experiences and lessons, which is really a valuable asset for your child's future growth.
So don't say: I know everything, but I just can't do it. In fact, I personally think this is self-limiting. Just because you have been hinting at yourself: you can't do it, thinking changes action, and you don't want to act. There is no movement. Q: If you stand in the same place, the result will automatically move forward?
Finally, take Xu Kaiwen as an example: Are parents really "evil"? The last sentence of the article:
"Reconciliation and filial piety do not mean that the harm caused by parents is correct. Reconciliation and filial piety are because we grow up, have the strength to face trauma, have the strength to have our own good life, and express our love better than our parents who once loved and hurt themselves. "
Xixi's depression and our inner conflict include the following contents (please continue to pay attention if you are interested):
1. How to get out of the desperate situation of "the past can't go back and the future is hopeless"?
2. Why do we want to divorce or break up when we are depressed?
When we are depressed, why are we afraid that our friends will laugh at us?
4. When we are depressed, why do we lock ourselves up and don't want to see friends?
5. Why don't we want to go out when we are depressed?