Faced with feelings on the verge of disillusionment, many people want to recover, but they don't know where to start. The one who wants to save is either entangled, begging humbly, or letting himself be manipulated by the other party, but in the end there is no hope.
Looking at your partner's indifference and rejection, you constantly question yourself: "Why did Ta become like this? What should I do? I tried, will he change? " It is true that you are so eager and trying to save your love and change the status quo, but why are you getting more and more disappointed? In fact, recovery should not be carried out blindly, and before that, you need to do the following things well.
First, reduce the sense of demand.
The so-called sense of demand is the intensity of your compound intention during the recovery period. For example, when the other party asks for separation, you keep saying to the other party, "Will you give me another chance?" You stand downstairs in the other party's house all night to express your sincerity; Summon up the courage to stand at her door; Your essay is paragraph after paragraph, but I don't know that "all long speeches are losers" ... these are all behaviors with strong sense of demand.
Therefore, most people will find that under the premise of separation of authenticity, the stronger the sense of need you show, the more disgusted the other party is with you. Why? For example, you went to a hot pot restaurant yesterday and had a bad experience. Today, you passed by this store and deliberately avoided the clerk at the door, but the clerk of this store came up to sell you enthusiastically, stuffed the leaflet into your hand and loudly said that it was not delicious and didn't cost money. What do you feel?
You must be very resistant in your heart, because the negative impression of this store in your mind has been aroused and deepened by this forced sales promotion. The correct way is to give the other person a period of time, so that the other person can slowly dilute the negative impression on you, and you can also adjust yourself through this period of time.
Second, adjust the understanding.
Many people have some stubborn misunderstandings about feelings, but they just don't know it. For example, many women have entrusted mentality, and think that a man should be unconditionally responsible for her bad mood. If the other person can't stand the choice of escape or transfer, she thinks this man is love rat.
Women may feel that no matter how angry they are, no matter how ugly they say, the meaning is obvious, just because they want a man to coax them. But they also have to think about it. Men also have self-esteem and emotions. How can he coax you with humility every time? What's more, you may not be as easy to coax as you think. For another example, some women like to make emotional efforts. She thinks that the more they pay, the better, but the other party is getting worse and worse for her.
This is because women pay too much in their feelings and it is easy for men to have pressure. Once the pressure of "I must do something for each other or I will be sorry for her" appears in the relationship, men will want to escape. There are still many such misconceptions, and there is not much resistance to recovery.
Therefore, we must adjust ourselves by reading books or learning from teachers in order to have a healthy emotional outlook. The correct way should be, if I like to pay, then I will pay, if I feel reluctant, then I will stop paying. In this way, you will feel that what you give is what you get-happiness instead of resentment, and the other half will be more relaxed and happy.
Third, meet each other's needs.
Think about it, has the other party ever said to you, "I don't think you understand me"? Most customers find me and feel that they know that person too well. But this is often not the case. If they really knew each other well enough, they wouldn't have to be saved.
What are the core needs of men and women in marriage?
Men need attraction, sexual satisfaction, companionship, respect, reproductive value and nurturing value. Women need romance, security, listening, loyalty, honesty, financial support and commitment.
Do you understand all this?
In addition, because everyone's growth experience is different, different types of attachment patterns will be formed: security, anxiety, avoidance and anxiety avoidance, which will also affect the changes and emphasis of people's needs in feelings. People with anxiety, avoidance and anxiety avoidance all need a sense of security, regardless of gender, but in different forms.
Anxiety will constantly verify each other's love; Avoidant people crave a sense of control, and once the other person's behavior is judged by them as not loving, they will shrink back; Anxiety avoidance is sometimes cold and sometimes hot.
Fourth, be patient.
It is a patient thing to repair feelings. It is not a cold day to freeze for three feet, and it is not a cold day to melt ice for three feet. The correct compromise between husband and wife is the benign interaction between them.
It is based on mutual respect, mutual willingness, a better life, and a vow to grow old together, which makes the marriage relationship more indestructible. Be patient at this time. Many years later, when you suddenly look back, you will find that those hurdles you once thought you could not walk are "good things."