Adapted from Bodyguard
B (first on the stage, reciting poems): The general is born heroic, with his waist across the autumn water, and he can conquer the world with one sword. The wind blows mountains and rivers-(beating wood) lightning, the flag is high. The students bowed on the stage. Today, I will tell you a cross talk. This cross talk is called mouth-to-mouth by two people and stand-up cross talk by one person. ...
A: Yo, you've worked hard, you've worked hard!
B: (Yes, fuels) Thanks a lot!
Are you talking about cross talk here today?
Yes, I'll give you a show.
A: You have a high level of cross talk!
Oh, I'm flattered. I am flattered.
A: I have been watching your cross talk for two years!
B: Thank you. Thank you.
A: Gee ... you seem to have lost a little weight recently.
Really? I really don't care about that.
You must pay attention to your health. No matter what job you do, you must be in good health.
B: That's right. Thank you for your concern.
Look at me, how strong this body is!
Your figure is ... just so-so. Like me, a little thin.
A: Me? General? Do you know what I do?
B: This is ... I don't know.
A: I am a martial artist!
A martial artist? Ouch ... I really can't see it.
A: Huh? You are also a Jianghu person. Can you not know that I am XXX?
I don't know.
A: Maybe, my reputation is not very good. Mention my sect, and you will know for sure!
B: Are you a Shaolin school or a Wu Tang school?
A: Neither. My Sect, when it comes to you, it feels like "click!" A thunder sounded in your ear!
B: Huh? So awesome?
A: Of course. My sect is-(positive color, fuels) Jiangnan Wufangzhai!
Wait, wait ... Wufangzhai? By the way, is your "headquarters" in Jiaxing, Zhejiang?
A: ah, that's right. I said yes, when it comes to our Sect, you have to feel like thunder. But, ah, your words are not very accurate. The sects in the Jianghu are called "Chief Helmsman" instead of "Headquarters".
B: Or "the helm"? I'm glad I didn't say "head office"! Jiaxing Wufangzhai, Jiangnan area who does not know, Zongzi shop!
A: What zongzi shop! Listen to our host's first and last name. It's not for jiaozi.
Who is your master?
A: My master-(fuels) My old man's surname is Hong.
Oh, Master Hong.
A: My surname is Hong, and my name is Shang Dou Xia Sha.
B (stop a): stop "expressing words"! Red bean paste! And mung bean soup! Just zongzi!
A: You hate it! My master, the old gentleman, taught two apprentices in his life, that is, me and my brother.
Oh, brothers.
A: Yes, according to the generation of our sect, my name is "egg yolk" and my brother is "ham".
Well, you are salty zongzi.
A: Bah! What zongzi?
B: Yes, there are no such things as "egg yolk" and "ham" in martial arts.
A: We studied superb martial arts with Master.
What have you learned?
A: Weapons and fists.
B: What did the weapon learn?
A: What do you mean by sword, spear, halberd, axe, fork, whip, hammer, club and kidnapping meteor? You put these eighteen weapons in front of me, and I can give them the same-
B: Sold it?
A: This sentence is mine! Why did you take it?
B: Yes, if I don't answer, the audience will. Everyone from Zhang Shouchen to Ma Zhiming has heard of this burden. What did you learn from your fists and feet? "Cats run after dogs, rabbits flash, eagles roll over"?
This is Ma Zhiming's Kung Fu.
What is your real kung fu?
A: What kung fu! Look at it-(pendulum)
What is this?
A: Eighteen Palm Dragons!
B: Oh, the kung fu of Hong Qigong, a beggar in the north.
A: Look again-(reach out and snap your fingers)
What is this?
A: Finger flick!
Stop asking, Huang.
A: And-(holding out two fingers)
B: Could it be-?
A: One Yang refers to!
B: Duan Zhixing, Nandi, became a monk under the pseudonym Master Yi Deng.
Say it again-(get down)
B: (Fu Jia) All right, all right, I know this is Ouyang Feng's frog work. You know a lot. How many years does it take to learn so much
A: The system of our sect is like this: we are just beginners, learn from many teachers and practice basic skills for four years first.
B: This is equivalent to an undergraduate course.
A: Then, you officially become an apprentice and join the master. Generally, you can practice for three years before you start your career, or you can change your master and practice for another three years.
Two three years add up to six years.
A: When our brother has been practicing for a year and a half, Master told us that we just need to continue practicing with him, so that we can start in five years and save one year.
B: Wufangzhai also has teachers and students who make zongzi.
A: I'm in a hurry if you mention zongzi again!
Ok, ok ... what happened after your brother debuted?
A: After my debut, I'm going to wander the rivers and lakes by myself.
Homework is not included.
A: As soon as our brothers discussed it, they went to Nanjing, rented a store room and hung a sign, "Jiaxing Wufangzhai Nanjing Branch".
A branch?
A: Split the rudder! Our senior brother was originally a noble disciple, and Master also wrote letters of recommendation to friends in the Jianghu after his debut, so someone came to see us in a few days. We were practicing in the yard that day when we heard someone knocking at the door.
B: Don't turn the page, just knock on the door.
A: As soon as I opened the door, a big man stood at the door and asked, "Excuse me, do you have egg yolk and ham from Wufangzhai?"
B: It's almost the Dragon Boat Festival. Here comes the order.
A: I said, I am egg yolk and ham is in it.
Wow, two zongzi.
A: The bearer said, "I'm from Longmen Escort Agency. The old shopkeeper invited two people to discuss something. This is an invitation. The car is outside. "
B: Wait, wait! Longmen Escort Agency? Old shopkeeper boy? Isn't that in Hanzhong, Shaanxi?
A: You don't know. The old shopkeeper boy personally led a team to Nanjing to open a semicolon.
Oh, business expansion.
A: As soon as I discussed it with my brother, I followed him to Longmen Escort Agency. When I got off the bus, the old shopkeeper was already waiting there with a lot of people, holding his fist and handing it over: "Two brave men have arrived, and they haven't met each other far away. I apologize in person. "
You are welcome!
I said, "How dare you? Our brothers came in a hurry and didn't bring you any local products. "
Yes, you should bring some zongzi.
A: It is destructive.
B: (laughs) Isn't that what you have there?
A: Entering the gate, there is a wide yard with various weapons on both sides.
B: escort company.
A: There are five waiting rooms in the main hall. There is a restaurant above and a platform in the head. The stairs are just behind.
Oh, there are no stairs ahead.
A: The old shopkeeper went under the platform and said, "Two heroes, come upstairs with me for a drink!" " Go upstairs. He doesn't take the stairs.
B: Then how can we get there?
A: Well, a little kung fu. After talking, such a short man made him "pull onions in the dry land", hey! Go up.
B: Hey! That's really something.
I am ecstatic.
Hey, what are you happy about?
A: That's nothing!
Oh? How did you get up there?
Look at me! Show me my kung fu.
Let's take a look at him.
A: (posing) Hey! Go up.
B: You went up, too?
My shoes are on.
B: Are your shoes on? !
A: I didn't tie my shoelaces.
All right, silly boy.
A: I said, "Someone!"
B: Why?
Move the ladder and give me enough shoes.
B: Oh, no, why do you move the ladder when you are all kung fu?
A: How to practice without shoes? What if there is a nail on it that sticks to your foot?
B: Oh, yes, yes, it's better to be safer.
A: When the ladder was moved and erected, I said, "All right, don't bother a few people, help yourself. Brother, stop staring and go! " Our brothers all climbed the ladder.
That's easy!
A: Let me go up and have a look. Wow! A sumptuous banquet, including steamed mutton, steamed bear's paw, steamed deer's tail, roast duck, roast chicken and roast goose. ...
B: Please, please ... Don't name the dishes.
A: We are brothers!
B: Eat!
A: After three rounds of wine and five dishes, the old shopkeeper said, "I invited two heroes for no other reason. Now there are people who dare to protect the East Road Escort Agency, the South Road Escort Agency and the West Road Escort Agency, but there are too many robbers on the North Road. I wonder if you would like to go? "
B: Oh, ask your brother if he dares to go.
A: I said, "Old hero, don't be a thief."
B: Yes!
A: "Kill our own spirit!"
B: That's right!
Answer: "Isn't there a thief in the north?"
B: Not afraid of him!
A: "Let's go west."
B: Of course. Hey, where's the west? !
A: Go around.
B: If there is no detour, you have to go north to meet the thief!
A: Meet a thief?
B: That's right!
What will we meet?
B: Nonsense! What do you do? It belongs to the bodyguard!
A: Tell a joke.
B: That's what I'm talking about!
A: The old shopkeeper said, "You don't have to be modest. Please show your darts downstairs. "
B: Oh, let's see what you have.
A: Downstairs, the old shopkeeper stood up and walked to the edge of the platform. He made a gesture of "swallowing three mouthfuls of water" as light as a fallen leaf and went down. When I landed, there was no sound.
B: It's called lightness skill.
A: How many years has he been practicing at his age? It is meaningful to practice at this point.
Ouch, yo, yo ...
A: Yes, yes, not bad.
B: Then how do you get down?
A: I stood up, stepped aside and looked down.
what are you reading?
A: Wow, it's quite high!
B: That's right.
I made one. ...
Do what?
A: I'll have one-oh, no! I'm holding my urine.
Hello!
I have gained weight. How to practice this? I said, "Dude, take our brother to the bathroom. Where is it? Huh? Under the building? You lead the way. " Our brother followed the man downstairs.
B: He dodged again.
Show your darts in the yard. My brother reached out, swish! Took the big gun from the weapon rack.
We should practice guns.
A: You don't understand.
Really?
A: Very particular.
What do you mean?
A (holding a fan to build a gun rack): Seven feet is a gun, Qi Mei is a stick, and the big gun is ten feet and eight inches. My brother will take a trip to liuhe gun.
B: What's a Liuhe gun?
A: Three in one, three in one.
B: Three in one?
A: I am full of heart and gallbladder.
B: Three in one?
A: Hands, feet and eyes.
Oh?
Answer: Eyes and heart are harmonious, Qi and strength are harmonious, and steps and strokes are harmonious!
B: Good!
A: My brother is about to stab liuhe gun. I said, "Brother, you just caught a cold. Be careful not to repeat the same mistakes. " My brother nodded: "That makes sense." Put the gun back where it is and stand there. Really angry, don't change color.
B: Nonsense! He never practiced!
A: He didn't practice. I must practice.
Oh, you practiced.
A: I'll go over there, swish! Copy a single knife (set the tool rest with a fan).
Oh, I need to practice my knife.
Answer: Give the knife to your left hand and hold the moon in your arms. I'll do a "hiding the knife on all sides at night". I was just about to practice my knife here when suddenly a dark cloud came, thunder was loud and it began to rain. Wow! I am very happy here.
Why are you so happy?
That's when I show my skills!
B: Really?
Look at my knife. It flies up and down. No one was there. All wet. I don't even have a drop of rain.
B: Good kung fu! You practice knives in the yard?
I'm sheltering from the rain.
B: Take shelter from the rain! Where is the knife?
I left it in the yard.
B: I said I can't see anyone except the knife!
The old shopkeeper said, "Forget it, forget it. I think you can't wait. This rain won't last for a while. "
B: no need to practice.
A: "Then please ask two people to check the darts in the backyard."
B: Look at what you are escorting.
A: Look at the back. There are sixteen dart cars.
B: That's quite a lot.
A: They are all so big (about one foot in diameter) and come from Huang Chengcheng-
B: BRIC!
A: Pumpkin.
B: Pumpkin! Hey ... don't hire a bodyguard, I can deliver it.
Would you?
That's true.
A: You don't understand ~ ~ ~
B: Why don't you understand?
It looks like a pumpkin. It was hollowed out and filled with gold and silver to hide people's eyes and ears-this is called a dark dart.
Oh, too much pressure.
A: Walk!
B: OK.
A: Our brother rode this escort car across the Yangtze River from Huilong Bridge to Hongsun, Taishan New Village, Taoyuan, Torch Road, Neighborhood Center and Keyuan Hotel. ...
B: Still 13 1!
A: We can reach the foot of Longwang Mountain at dark. I told my brother that the terrain here is dangerous and we can't stay long. Let's get there quickly. When we get to the other side of the mountain, we will stay at Tongfu Inn.
B: Ah, ah, ah ... Tongfu Inn? Tongfu Inn is also here?
A: Semicolon, semicolon.
B: Semicolon?
You don't know, do you? This Tongfu Inn has successively acquired Yuelai Inn and Longmen Inn, becoming the largest hotel chain group in the Jianghu, with semicolons all over the country. The shopkeeper of this Jiangbei semicolon is Lv Qinghou, a warrior of Guanzhong.
Don't ask, Guo Furong is in charge. It must be safe to have her around.
A: In addition, we are betting on the escort car of the old shopkeeper of Longmen Escort Company. The old shopkeeper gave us a VIP diamond platinum card, and we stayed at Tongfu Inn for a 60% discount!
B: Save money!
A: My brother nodded yes. So we move on. Although the mountain road is rugged, it is good to have a hazy night.
I can still see some.
A: At midnight, we passed a Huangshagang, in front of which was a dense pine forest. At this time, just listen to "soft-bang!" An arrow rang, and a bang bang bang gong sounded exquisitely, alas!
B: What's the matter?
A: So there are thieves.
Hello! Don't be catchy. Isn't there a thief
A: There are thieves!
B: What shall we do?
A: Our brother ran to the front to have a look.
B: Ah.
A: Wow! Boy.
What do you mean?
A: From the forest, Cheng Chengcheng! There are more than 200 subordinates.
So many people?
A: Everyone has a ghost knife. Swallows don't spread their wings, lanterns and torches shine like day.
B: Look at this battle!
A: One of them was a big black man riding a horse, with a forged iron bar in his hand and a folk song on his back.
What did you say?/Sorry?
A: "Well! I opened this mountain and planted this tree. If you want to pass by here, stay and buy the fare. Dare to say no, kill it with a stick or bury it! "
Well done!
My brother saw a thief.
B: Hmm!
A: I'm just so angry that I'm "arrogant and my eyebrows are tight"!
B: Wow, Master Guan hit Changsha.
I just heard "Wow …"
B: What's the matter?
His trousers are wet.
Hello! I peed!
A: The little mouse thief got my brother's pants wet!
B: Is that gasoline? It's so scary!
A: "Brother, back off."
B: Ah!
Answer: "When my brother dies!"
B: OK-hey! Is it appropriate to die? That's called catching a thief to death!
A: "Someone!"
B: Ah!
A: "Pull me!"
B: I'll help you-hey, no, no, no,no. People fight on horseback.
I've never ridden a horse. I'm afraid I will be unstable.
No one is riding a cow!
Hey, riding an ox is an antique.
B: Oh, an antique?
A: As early as Sun Bin, the Seven Heroes of the Warring States Period, was fighting wits, Sun Bin rode an ox.
B: Hey, the cow in Sun Bin is a colorful cow. It can walk on clouds.
A: you saw it? You saw it? You saw it with your own eyes?
B: ... number
A: Nonsense, they are all cows anyway.
B: OK, Niu Niu Niu.
A: "Pull me."
B: Hmm!
Answer: "Lift my pole!"
B: Well, no, no, no, that's outrageous, that's outrageous! How can a man use a shoulder pole when he goes into battle with a knife and a gun?
A: This is an antique.
Is this an antique, too?
Have you seen Water Margin? "Three strikes to Zhuzhai", then Shi Xiu made a shot.
B: Alas, Shi Xiu has a gun in his shoulder pole.
A: All the same. I bought it in a place.
Oh, that's no problem!
A: Everyone has a gun.
B: Right, right, right.
A: At that time, I was riding a pole and leading a cow (with a fan).
Well done-no, no, no, this is too much! That's called riding a flat with a cow ... hey! I was wrong too. Riding an ox and carrying a pole.
Oh, yes I raised my shoulder pole and shouted, "Good thief, good thief!" " "
B: Yes!
A: "I put down my weapon, you spare me!" " Wow ... "
Great-no, no, no, come on! Stop! Whoa!
A: What's the matter?
B: surrender without a fight?
A: who surrendered?
B: You surrendered. You said, "I laid down my weapon, and you spared me." Is it more like this? Does it make sense?
A: What's the matter? What happened?
B: What's the matter? It's backwards!
A: Is it backwards?
B: That's true!
A: On the contrary, I am giving him a step down. If you are wise, won't you let me through?
There is no such thing! What does he do? It's a robber!
A: Hey, don't tell me, I met this thief. He is a cruel thief.
How fresh!
Don't listen to me.
B: That's right.
I swung a big iron bar and it hit my head.
B: Hide!
Where can I hide?
B: What about that?
A: I, put the shoulder pole horizontally, set up a "thousand-pound brake" (with a fan) and click to greet his iron bar.
B: Did the iron bar fly?
A: The shoulder pole is broken.
Ok-is it a discount? !
A: It doesn't matter if you fold it.
B: What shall we do?
A: I pulled the fireworks out (with a fan).
Oh, yes Have a gun.
A: I gave him a "cow gun" as soon as I turned around.
B: How beautiful-no, no, it's called "comeback".
I rode a cow.
Hey, I forgot about it. All right, all right.
A: thieves are so fast, swish! Caught the gun head.
Oh, you can take it from him!
A: The thief said, "Bring it here!"
B: Grab it!
A: I said, "No, I'll give it to you."
B: give up?
A: My strength can't beat him.
B: Look at this.
A: I am unarmed and empty-handed.
Then let the cow run!
A: This cow is also wicked.
What do you mean?
A: At this point, not only do you not run, but you also make do with thieves.
B: Ha, this cow also eats inside and crawls outside.
A: It's over, it's over, it's broken, my life is over!
B: Wait till you die.
A: Hold your head, hahaha, I am happy again.
B: Why are you happy again?
A: There are two knives behind this.
B: What's the use?
A: I'm not afraid of him now.
B: What?
A: All my kung fu is on the knife.
B: Really?
As soon as I touch the handle, whoosh! Both knives are out! (Take two fans to swing the tool rest)
B: I used it this time!
A: The left-handed knife broke the thief's iron bar, and the right-handed knife made him "look for the moon in the sea", only to hear "click, red light splashed, blood splashed, big head fell to the ground, rolling around!
You killed the thief?
I killed that cow.
B: Don't be scolded!
Single-mouthed Then I recommend a salesman to you.
Video:
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Text:
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"I said, sell outside, sell outside!" (audience)
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