Q: My daughter 14 years old is very rebellious. How can she enter the child's inner world? There are still many problems that reflect children's rebellious psychology. How do parents deal with rebellious children?
[Lin Dehua] This is a very common problem and a headache for parents. Why do children of this age have rebellious psychology? Adolescence is a special period, which is called storm period in psychology, and children's emotions will fluctuate greatly. During this period, teenagers have a very prominent psychological change, which is the second upsurge of self-awareness.
[Lin Dehua] At this time, children have a strong desire to become adults and some internal needs. This desire is extremely strong. Because of his psychological age and physiological age, he can't become an adult. He is semi-independent and semi-dependent, so students have a strong rebellious mentality. Parents should not think about why my child has become like this. It turns out that he is fine, and there will be a panic and fear in his heart. When parents have such worries, fears and fears, this psychological state will be brought to his interaction with children.
[Lin Dehua] First, it is normal for parents to adjust their mentality and see that their children are rebellious and hostile to their parents. Second, how to communicate with children of this age. Children usually lock up their things, and some of their inner feelings will not tell you, and even have strong emotional conflicts with you. When children have strong emotional reactions, parents should listen and not be reasonable. This is an ineffective practice that has been proved by countless people. We need to hear why children have such a strong emotional reaction. Is it because children are eager to be adults and independence, but we have not met their needs?
[Lin Dehua] Third, because they have a very strong sense of independence, we should give them corresponding trust. Children often say that my parents don't trust me or understand me. In this case, we should give him some rights and trust, let him do something independently, and accept the side that they are not doing so well. Because they are in a semi-adult and naive state, trust is very important.
[Lin Dehua] A father once told me that his children were in Grade One. The child is often absent from school, and his mother is often ill for a period of time. His father often calls his children to say that his mother is ill. Please go to the hospital to see her. Sometimes children go to see their mothers, sometimes they don't. Once his mother was seriously ill, he went to the hospital to see his mother, and then asked his father why you didn't tell me in time and why you didn't call me. Father wants to say: I called you, but you never answered. But my father held back and said, I thought you knew about mom's illness and you would come back. The child didn't say anything, but stayed with his mother and took care of her during her hospitalization. Therefore, at this time, it is very important for parents to trust and accept their children, give them tolerance where their children are not doing well enough, meet their internal needs, become "independent people" and gain trust and recognition.
Q: How do teenagers keep a good mood?
[Lin Dehua] In addition to the specific psychological age of teenagers, there may be another problem, that is, how we treat emotions. Emotion is a very important part of mental health. In the development of people's mental health, whether your mind is healthy or not is an important aspect. Whether you know how to manage your emotions well is an important life topic for primary and secondary school students and even many adults today. How can I manage my emotions well?
[Lin Dehua] First, know emotions. In the cultural tradition of China people, we often think that positive emotions are good and negative emotions are bad. What are negative emotions, such as anger, anger, sadness and fear? Many parents tell their children that you can't be angry and you are not allowed to be angry. Many families have such family rules, and children form an idea in their minds: it is not good to be angry. What should I do when I am angry?
[Lin Dehua] There are often two ways. One is to suppress anger, but it still exists in the subconscious. When I suppress my anger once, twice and many times, it will accumulate to a certain extent. If it is suppressed to a certain extent, I can't suppress it any more, and it will explode one day. At this time, there was another huge explosion. The other is to avoid stress. There is actually positive significance behind negative emotions. Everyone has negative emotions. We can't treat these negative emotions across the board.
[Lin Dehua] Let me give you an example. A mother's child is over two years old. The common way is to hit her head against the wall and even bleed. What is behind such a strong emotional reaction? Children over two years old have self-awareness. Sometimes my mother asks her to brush her teeth, and if she doesn't, she forces her to go. Mom said that you put away your toys and our family would go out, but she didn't want to and had a good time. When she has unhappy negative emotions, the child doesn't know how to resolve them, and she wants to express her dissatisfaction. She finally hit her head against the wall to express my anger, dissatisfaction and anger.
[Lin Dehua] In this process, what we see is that when the child is angry and angry, the parents tell him that you are allowed to have such anger, and you tell the mother why she is angry. We change from knowing emotions to the second aspect: accepting emotions.
[Lin Dehua] Accept that our child has some negative emotions, instead of telling him that you are not allowed to have negative emotions. We see your negative emotions and allow you to have negative emotions. Let's see why you are so angry and how to accept these emotions. In the process of talking with children, children will learn slowly. When I have anger, how to express and vent it in a more reasonable way, instead of "groping" myself.
[Lin Dehua] The third aspect: transforming emotions. When I have negative emotions, I can adjust and transform them by relaxing, imagining and changing my cognition, so that the negative emotions gradually become positive. If I can't adjust my positive mood for a while, for example, I am still very anxious today, it doesn't matter. It reminds me that there are some things to deal with, just let it exist, nothing. Many times we worry about my anxiety. What should I do? The more I think about it, the more anxious I may be. On the contrary, anxiety is a part of my body. I allow it to exist. Probably my friend. When we look at these negative emotions in this way, the negative impact of negative emotions on us will be much reduced.
[Lin Dehua] What are the factors that affect mental health? The first factor is environmental factors, including family factors. Family is the most important environment for a child from birth to growth. Before the child is 6 years old, it is the most critical period for the child's psychological and personality development. What are parents' education methods and parent-child relationship? Including parents' expectations and family structure. We can imagine that there will be some differences in the growth of children from divorced families and normal families, although these differences are not absolute. However, we can see that the psychological problems of primary and middle school students in divorced families are relatively higher.
[Lin Dehua] The second factor is the school factor. What is the relationship between teachers and students in the school, the rules and regulations of the school, and whether students are accepted by the class in the school should form a sense of belonging in the process of being accepted by the class. If students have no sense of belonging in the class, they will be rejected and abandoned. This has a great influence on the growing primary and secondary school students. The relationship between teachers and students and interpersonal relationships in schools will also have a very important impact on students' mental health.
[Lin Dehua] The third factor is the influence of peers. Peer is one of the important factors that affect the behavior of primary and secondary school students. Therefore, whether the relationship between teenagers and their peers can be accepted and recognized by peers will also have a great impact on the mental health of primary and secondary school students.
[Lin Dehua] The fourth factor, the individual factor. For example, we can't absolutely say which type is good and which type is bad, but when the temperament type interacts with environmental factors, we imagine an introverted and timid temperament type child who happens to meet very strict parents. When the environment interacts with individuals, children will have psychological problems during their growth.
Q: What are the reasons why teenagers lack self-acceptance and cognitive factors?
[Lin Dehua] It is a phenomenon of the times that it is difficult for teenagers to accept and evaluate themselves. We have done a lot of research, and in the consulting experience, we have also found many cases and some sexual phenomena. Not only among children and teenagers, we find that we can't evaluate ourselves and accept ourselves well, even among adults, this problem is very prominent.
[Lin Dehua] Why can't teenagers accept themselves well? We need to see how his self-evaluation develops. The child's initial evaluation comes from his parents, teachers, adults and important others. If these people's evaluation of him is "You are fine" and "Mom likes you very much", then the self-acceptance of these children is a positive factor. From this perspective, parents who accuse their children, or even their behavior, are also demeaning his personality. Parents say "you can't" and "you are stupid", which demeans the child's personality. The child gradually thinks that I am not good, I am not as good as others, I am stupid, and gradually his self will have some deviations.
[Lin Dehua] On the other hand, in the process of adults guiding children and adolescents to know and accept themselves well, we have noticed that although other people's evaluation of children and adolescents is very important, this evaluation is not completely correct. In this process, adults should guide teenagers to realize that I want to evaluate myself objectively, and some evaluations are good and correct, and I accept them; Some comments are not correct and biased, so I can have a good look. If I think it is an incorrect evaluation, I can refuse.
[Lin Dehua] Teenagers should change from others' evaluation of me to their own evaluation. They should evaluate themselves, examine themselves and accept themselves, instead of taking others' evaluation as the only criterion for self-evaluation.
[Lin Dehua] If this is the case, I think this is a very prominent problem. Many students are good at partial subjects, and the math teacher likes him very much. He is very good at math. The language teacher doesn't like him. He hates learning Chinese. In the process of learning, students regard whether the teacher likes him or not and whether he is recognized as their own evaluation and the most important factor in their activities. This has a great influence on students. Students will think that "I study for the teacher, not that I am willing to learn or like to learn". It has changed in essence. We must help students pay attention to this problem. The core of mental health is self-esteem, which is the most important aspect of mental health education.
Q: Professor Lin, please tell us about the foreign practices in cultivating the psychological quality of teenagers.
[Lin Dehua] Compared with foreign countries, whether compared with the United States, Japan or Hong Kong and Taiwan, the development history of mental health education in China is shorter than that of foreign countries. Our mental health education started late. However, the development of mental health education in China is still very fast.
[Lin Dehua] There are many good practices in the process of mental health education abroad today. First of all, the orientation of mental health education objects, I think their orientation deserves our careful consideration.
[Lin Dehua] Before 1980s, the orientation of mental health education in American schools was also individual and problematic students. Since the 1980s, especially in the last two or three decades, the United States has positioned mental health education as more prevention, education and development issues, facing all students, helping all students adapt to learning and society, and promoting the development of each student's personal potential. This change of orientation has a very enlightening effect on our domestic mental health education today, and we are gradually developing in this direction.
[Lin Dehua] The second aspect includes the organization of mental health education. Every school abroad is equipped with psychologists, social workers and student counselors, and it is an institution composed of these people. These institutions are responsible for the psychological diagnosis, evaluation, consultation, prevention and intervention of students in schools and the whole school district, and are social institutions. Today, Beijing requires all primary and secondary schools to be equipped with psychological teachers.
[Lin Dehua] The tip given to us by foreign countries is that we can better integrate more people engaged in this work, such as social workers. Mental health education is not limited to schools, but also extends to families and communities, making full use of various resources of families and communities to promote students' mental health development. Mental health organization should be a large network structure, and there are good examples and experiences abroad in this regard that are worth learning.
[Lin Dehua] Third, the professional training of mental health education. Professional training is very strict in training psychologists abroad. For example, every psychologist has to undergo formal undergraduate training in psychology or pedagogy, and even a considerable number of school psychologists have master's degrees. In addition to studying at school, they also have an internship for one year. Internship can only get the certificate of school psychologist by passing a certain exam. There may be some psychological teachers in our school who are engaged in moral education. How to improve the professional knowledge of these teachers needs us to think.
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Q: My daughter 14 years old is very rebellious. How can she enter the child's inner world? There are still many problems that reflect children's rebellious psychology. How do parents deal with rebellious children?
[Lin Dehua] This is a very common problem and a headache for parents. Why do children of this age have rebellious psychology? Adolescence is a special period, which is called storm period in psychology, and children's emotions will fluctuate greatly. During this period, teenagers have a very prominent psychological change, which is the second upsurge of self-awareness.
[Lin Dehua] At this time, children have a strong desire to become adults and some internal needs. This desire is extremely strong. Because of his psychological age and physiological age, he can't become an adult. He is semi-independent and semi-dependent, so students have a strong rebellious mentality. Parents should not think about why my child has become like this. It turns out that he is fine, and there will be a panic and fear in his heart. When parents have such worries, fears and fears, this psychological state will be brought to his interaction with children.
[Lin Dehua] First, it is normal for parents to adjust their mentality and see that their children are rebellious and hostile to their parents. Second, how to communicate with children of this age. Children usually lock up their things, and some of their inner feelings will not tell you, and even have strong emotional conflicts with you. When children have strong emotional reactions, parents should listen and not be reasonable. This is an ineffective practice that has been proved by countless people. We need to hear why children have such a strong emotional reaction. Is it because children are eager to be adults and independence, but we have not met their needs?
[Lin Dehua] Third, because they have a very strong sense of independence, we should give them corresponding trust. Children often say that my parents don't trust me or understand me. In this case, we should give him some rights and trust, let him do something independently, and accept the side that they are not doing so well. Because they are in a semi-adult and naive state, trust is very important.
[Lin Dehua] A father once told me that his children were in Grade One. The child is often absent from school, and his mother is often ill for a period of time. His father often calls his children to say that his mother is ill. Please go to the hospital to see her. Sometimes children go to see their mothers, sometimes they don't. Once his mother was seriously ill, he went to the hospital to see his mother, and then asked his father why you didn't tell me in time and why you didn't call me. Father wants to say: I called you, but you never answered. But my father held back and said, I thought you knew about mom's illness and you would come back. The child didn't say anything, but stayed with his mother and took care of her during her hospitalization. Therefore, at this time, it is very important for parents to trust and accept their children, give them tolerance where their children are not doing well enough, meet their internal needs, become "independent people" and gain trust and recognition.
Q: How do teenagers keep a good mood?
[Lin Dehua] In addition to the specific psychological age of teenagers, there may be another problem, that is, how we treat emotions. Emotion is a very important part of mental health. In the development of people's mental health, whether your mind is healthy or not is an important aspect. Whether you know how to manage your emotions well is an important life topic for primary and secondary school students and even many adults today. How can I manage my emotions well?
[Lin Dehua] First, know emotions. In the cultural tradition of China people, we often think that positive emotions are good and negative emotions are bad. What are negative emotions, such as anger, anger, sadness and fear? Many parents tell their children that you can't be angry and you are not allowed to be angry. Many families have such family rules, and children form an idea in their minds: it is not good to be angry. What should I do when I am angry?
[Lin Dehua] There are often two ways. One is to suppress anger, but it still exists in the subconscious. When I suppress my anger once, twice and many times, it will accumulate to a certain extent. If it is suppressed to a certain extent, I can't suppress it any more, and it will explode one day. At this time, there was another huge explosion. The other is to avoid stress. There is actually positive significance behind negative emotions. Everyone has negative emotions. We can't treat these negative emotions across the board.
[Lin Dehua] Let me give you an example. A mother's child is over two years old. The common way is to hit her head against the wall and even bleed. What is behind such a strong emotional reaction? Children over two years old have self-awareness. Sometimes my mother asks her to brush her teeth, and if she doesn't, she forces her to go. Mom said that you put away your toys and our family would go out, but she didn't want to and had a good time. When she has unhappy negative emotions, the child doesn't know how to resolve them, and she wants to express her dissatisfaction. She finally hit her head against the wall to express my anger, dissatisfaction and anger.
[Lin Dehua] In this process, what we see is that when the child is angry and angry, the parents tell him that you are allowed to have such anger, and you tell the mother why she is angry. We change from knowing emotions to the second aspect: accepting emotions.
[Lin Dehua] Accept that our child has some negative emotions, instead of telling him that you are not allowed to have negative emotions. We see your negative emotions and allow you to have negative emotions. Let's see why you are so angry and how to accept these emotions. In the process of talking with children, children will learn slowly. When I have anger, how to express and vent it in a more reasonable way, instead of "groping" myself.
[Lin Dehua] The third aspect: transforming emotions. When I have negative emotions, I can adjust and transform them by relaxing, imagining and changing my cognition, so that the negative emotions gradually become positive. If I can't adjust my positive mood for a while, for example, I am still very anxious today, it doesn't matter. It reminds me that there are some things to deal with, just let it exist, nothing. Many times we worry about my anxiety. What should I do? The more I think about it, the more anxious I may be. On the contrary, anxiety is a part of my body. I allow it to exist. Probably my friend. When we look at these negative emotions in this way, the negative impact of negative emotions on us will be much reduced.
Q: Many teenagers really need psychological counseling now, especially to avoid another crazy fan like Yang Lijuan in the future. The most terrible thing is to do something wrong without knowing it and not correcting it. What do you think of the Yang Lijuan phenomenon?
[Lin Dehua] The "Yang Lijuan Phenomenon" has been heated up on the Internet. Psychologically speaking, this is a very complicated psychological and social problem. From this phenomenon, I see a very important point, that is, the "idolatry" of teenagers, which is a very extreme example of "idolatry".
[Lin Dehua] Aside from Yang Lijuan's personal character, from the perspective of "idolatry" of teenagers, what we want to see is whether "idolatry" is a normal phenomenon or an abnormal phenomenon for teenagers. Teachers often say that you students only know idolization and don't know how to put more attention on your studies. Teachers send such information to students, and children feel more that you don't understand me and there is a generation gap between us. Ha Han and Ha Ri were popular a few years ago. Many parents have such feedback and can't understand why my children worship Korean and Japanese dramas so much. Children can't understand why our parents don't like these.
[Lin Dehua] We should see that, first, idolatry is a normal phenomenon among teenagers and children. It has a great relationship with the characteristics of teenagers' own psychological development. Teenagers have self-awareness and want to be adults and my ideal. But he can't realize his ideal for the time being. He will look for his favorite idol as a substitute for his influence.
Second, when a teenager wants to be the ideal me, we call it "psychological weaning period". When he is eager to draw a line with his parents and doesn't want to rely on them, he should find a substitute. From this perspective, "idolatry" has become a substitute for parents.
[Lin Dehua] Third, it has a lot to do with the environment. For example, people around me are worshipping Andy Lau. I want to tell them that I am not behind the times, have the same interests as them, and may unconsciously worship Andy Lau. This is a psychological phenomenon caused by the pressure of the environment and peer groups.
[Lin Dehua] Is idolatry positive or negative? How do parents deal with the problem of "idolatry" among teenagers? There are two kinds of idolatry. Some teenagers worship the appearance and behavior of idols. If there are too many imitations, they may fall into a misunderstanding. One is the connotation of idolatrous personality. Although the idol encountered many pressures and difficulties, his idol overcame all kinds of difficulties and finally succeeded. Such persistence, perseverance, hard work, and the belief of never giving up until the last moment, if these are the objects of youth worship, then the connotation of idols has a positive impact on young people.
[Lin Dehua] When teachers and parents treat the "idol worship" of teenagers, they should first regard it as a normal phenomenon and don't blindly suppress it. Even if these teenagers have been obsessed with the appearance of "idolatry", we can't blindly accuse and suppress it, which will be counterproductive. Even if parents and teachers are kind, they will not be accepted by children.
[Lin Dehua] Back to the case of Yang Lijuan, we can't be too strict with children's idolatry, but it is wrong to relax idolatry and blindly obey children's idolatry. Yang Lijuan's parents are completely child-centered, and children do whatever they want, too obedient to their ideas, without guiding her, which makes Yang Lijuan go step by step to the present on the issue of worshipping Andy Lau, and come to an end that no one wants to see. This is one of the main contradictions among teachers, parents and children today. We should look at the problem of "idolatry" from the above angle.
Q: Hello! My daughter is almost ten years old, and she is excellent in learning and other aspects, but she is not confident enough and timid enough to speak loudly in public places. When she was in grade one, her husband went to work in other places, and I took care of her alone. I lived in a small circle for five years. Is it related to this lifestyle? How can I guide her? What do you think of autistic children in modern cities? There is an expanding trend on this issue.
[Lin Dehua] It is difficult for me to judge from a few words of netizens, and it needs specific analysis. "Autism" is a psychological term. Our children are more self-centered and not good at interacting with others, but whether they are "autistic" or not, we should carefully analyze them. Maybe he is self-centered and doesn't know how to communicate with people, but he is not in an autistic state.
[Lin Dehua] The "autism" mentioned by psychology has reached a very serious level. For example, an autistic child only pays attention to his own life circle and ignores the interaction with the outside world. There are many mechanisms leading to autism, one of which is related to brain mechanism. An autistic child may have some brain damage in his mother's stomach, which will lead to some problems when he is in contact with the outside world. This is a very serious psychological disorder and mental illness.
[Lin Dehua] Today's only children have some similar problems, but they are far from autistic. Some parents say my child is autistic. How can I be autistic? Parents say that children don't play with children when they go to the community square. The child is at home. Do parents react when they talk to him? If a child just doesn't play with his peers and communicates with his parents and others normally, we can't judge that he is autistic. However, the common problem of children is that they don't associate with their peers, which has a lot to do with how we cultivate children from an early age and whether we teach them the ability and quality of communication.
[Lin Dehua] Some parents gave me feedback. My child ignored his parents, so the parents came to the conclusion: Is my child autistic? Some parents told me that the first thing after work is "baby, mom is back, come and meet mom!" " "The child does not move. For another example, let the children pick up the toys, but the children still don't move. What were the children doing when you came back from work? Usually, children are either playing with their favorite toys or watching cartoons. When the child is immersed in what he likes, you call the child, and of course the child does not move. It's not that he won't listen, but that he won't do it.