Reading time: 2022. 1. 19
Reading list: I hope my parents will read this book.
Reader: Zhang Hongmei, member of the Expert Committee of the National Maternal and Child Network.
I see:
This book will bring us a sense of healing, and understand what hinders parent-child communication and how to make your parent-child relationship deeper.
The "parents" in this book generally refer to people who take care of their children. Including parents, surrogate parents, the older generation, step parents, paid or unpaid helpers or anyone who has the main responsibility for children.
first part
First, the influence of past experience on parenting.
1, it is easy to think that when I evaluate a child's behavior or my feelings, it is only related to what is happening now.
2. If children ever make you lose your temper, we need to stop and ask ourselves, is it because of children? If not, stop by yourself.
Parents are always reluctant to talk about their childhood.
Second, practice: find the root of your emotions.
1, where does my mood come from?
2. Find the law of anger.
Third, rupture and repair.
When you were a parent, what triggered the factors that he didn't want to remember and made him want to be isolated from this family?
If you don't release the sadness hidden in your heart, you can't release absolutely fair love to others, and this kind of sadness will prevent you from repairing the divided part of your family.
Fourth, practice: repair the past.
1, looking back with empathy
2. Information in memory
If we are willing to understand it from another angle, in fact, we are not doing it because I deliberately want to do something for the children. I love him, I want to pay for her, and I want him to be good, so I will make these reactions.
But I just don't know that my reaction now is because I have been hurt before, so I will do it.
If you are willing to try to repair yourself, try to give yourself a cure, try to give yourself more patience and give yourself time to grow up, dear, from today on, your education for your children will stand in a more relaxed, intimate and warm environment, which will make you better, not more sad, powerless and confused.
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The second part-how to create a healthy and growing family environment for our children.
Harmony between parents is an important factor in educating happy children. According to the results of investigation and inquiry, 70% children agree with this sentence.
Therefore, the really important factor is how parents and children get along, not how we earn more money and give our children better material conditions.
First, when parents are separated.
Generally speaking, don't always criticize or condemn each other in front of children.
Second, when there is a dispute.
Only describe feelings, I state sentences.
What if parents always quarrel?
1, an effective way to argue: use "my statement" to describe my feelings.
2. Dismantling debate
1) Admit your feelings
2) define yourself, not others.
3) Don't react, but reflect.
4) Accept your vulnerability, not fear of weakness.
5) Don't blindly agree with other people's intentions.
The most suitable environment for children's family growth comes from how each family member gets along, how to express himself and how to interact with each other.
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The third part: How to respond to our children's feelings and how to have the simplest and most effective communication with children.
First, simple and effective communication: response
The first way of communication, the simplest way is to respond to the child's feelings.
1, the first step is to tolerate feelings.
When I was a child, I was often told "Don't think too much" if I didn't get understanding and comfort. As you spend more time alone, your ability to endure unpleasant or painful emotions will become worse and worse. Therefore, if we didn't tolerate children well at that time, you will find that the space for accommodating painful emotions is gradually shrinking, and when you cram too many emotions into this space, one day this space will burst and overflow, leading to your whole emotional disorder.
1) Don't suppress the emotions of yourself and your children.
2) Don't overreact.
3) Don't ask why, recognize your child's emotions.
"Honey, aren't you happy?" One word is enough.
2, the second step, confirm the feelings (* * *)
Don't argue with children about their feelings. Be able to discuss your feelings maturely and guide your children to discuss their feelings maturely. Understand children and accept their feelings, but have some positions.
We often let ourselves have more time by distracting our children. In fact, in exchange,
Step 3: repair the relationship, not the cold war.
Don't choose to be silent, don't choose not to take the initiative to contact, don't choose to wait for the children to repair with me, but I will take the initiative to do something.
I feel the child's feelings instead of dealing with hers. The more children are fully accepted, the more capable they are to live a happy life.
The more you can't destroy your emotions, the more you can't accept your child's emotions.
Second, let happiness become the ability of family inheritance.
When you want your child to be a happy person, have you ever reflected on whether you are a happy person? Are you a person who has feelings for happiness?
Accepting your unhappiness can make you really happy.
How can I give my family the simplest and most effective way to communicate?
It is by feeling each other's feelings, by tolerating each other's feelings, and by not denying each other's feelings.
I think:
1. The family environment I provide for my children is three days of zero interaction and zero communication. It is also because I dare not accept my vulnerability, will not show weakness, and have no effective communication with the other party. Or accusations. Lack of communication to describe feelings. Then you can't help talking to your heart. Of course, the other side is also evasive and unwilling to break and repair. It's hard for me to try to take this step by myself, and it annoys me to think that the other person is also evasive. Is it also Germany's understanding and acceptance of each other's childhood growth environment that has created his character and way of getting along today?
2. I don't have enough tolerance and understanding for myself. I am always too demanding of myself, afraid to face or accept my past self, and often have a lot of shame about past things and behaviors. This may be because I can't fully accept children's emotions. For example, when she cried, didn't she ask you if you were sad first? Are you sad? Instead, direct her not to cry, or ask her why she is crying. At this stage, children can't fully express their feelings and can only use simple words. I also lack tolerance and understanding for my husband. If I can love my husband like a child, will our relationship be better?
3. In this book, the middle part is probably about * * * *, but the author or recommender, Mr. Zhang Hongmei, puts it bluntly and awkwardly. However, is "* * * love" really my simple acceptance and understanding of each other's feelings?
Need to buy a physical book to study.