Chatting with a friend, she said with a fierce look on her face:
I can't live anymore. I want a divorce.
I told you about my recent experience, and I was so aggrieved that tears were falling straight from my eyes.
She and her husband are both from rural areas and from average families. They were introduced to each other by a friend and found it suitable. After being in love for a while, they got married.
The young couple earns little and spends little, saving money on weekdays and entertaining themselves at home on weekends. If they don't spend, they don't spend. It doesn't matter.
Until the baby was born not too long ago.
It was supposed to be a big happy event, but a huge shock inside broke through that harmony.
First of all, household expenses increased dramatically. Although the two have halved their expenses, the power of the "four-legged golden beast" still makes them anxious:
Do you want domestic or imported milk powder? Diapers or diapers? Buy new clothes or sister children used? Do you want to buy educational toys?
"I think I'm frugal enough, but my husband is even more stingy than me. This is his son!"
And then there were problems with the couple's relationship.
A friend complained about her husband's lack of responsibility, coming home without the baby, not even wanting a mouthful of formula at night, and only caring about her own sleep;
Husband was also very critical, saying that his friends were always around the baby, and indifferent and perfunctory to him.
These two are blaming each other and they are having a heated argument. My mother-in-law even poured oil on them.
All you usually see when you cook is some minced meat stars, even if you don't see any concern for the mother in law. You also pointed to a friend's new yoga card.
Being a mom still boasts. Isn't it good to spend your money and time on your baby?
Weak and ashamed, the friend transfers the card to someone else that night, wraps her bloated body in a big robe and tearfully coos over the baby.
"The whole family was very embarrassed. It felt like everything was missing. I'm going to be hollowed out any minute and I'm going to hold it hard."
"You can't do it without money. Don't worry about this poor marriage."
2. What a bad marriage looks like
The "poor marriage" my friend mentioned is an interesting concept.
Let's outline a typical poor man's marriage:
Lack of money
There are two kinds of money-lacking marriages:
One is the objective lack of money, really have no money, so poor that you can't afford to buy a piano, and you can only persuade your son to bear the pain of giving up what you love.
One is the subjective lack of money, with the economic conditions to meet the needs of the "lack of money" self-hypnosis, castration of desire.
For example, the netizen said:
I'm in my thirties, and I've always used Dabao for my skin care products. Once I made up my mind to buy a set of expensive ones to try the effect. As a result, my husband disagreed and said that it would be fine to make do with what I had. There is no need to buy that expensive.
Thinking about it, forget it.
These are the first time I've ever seen a woman in the world who has been in a position to do something like this, and I'm not sure if I've ever seen anything like this.
The desire to not be able to stretch out, the heart is not willing, aggression, anger, these feelings will eventually ferment in the marriage.
Some people like to use "frugality" to whitewash this feeling of weakness, but frugality is out of reasonable restraint, not the fear of desire.
Lack of love.
It is supposed that love nourishes each other, but a lack of love can turn into mutual predation.
In a friend's story, the birth of a child triggered the "war of aggression.
As first-time parents, both men were at a loss for words.
The man, weak and anxious about the baby's cries, played games or went to bed to escape. But the woman doesn't see his feelings and puts on her "lack of responsibility" hat in an attempt to blackmail the man for his thoughtfulness.
The female breastfeeding baby to coax the baby, busy, inevitably neglected the male. But the man did not see her tired and helpless, but instead accused her of indifference perfunctory, trying to steal the woman's concern.
The two are caught in a dilemma, seeing only themselves and no one else, frantically demanding, in a vicious circle until they are suffocated by the lack of love.
Insufficient gas.
The word "qi" here refers to a spirit or inner core.
Lacking marital qi, one is afraid to pursue happiness and enjoy pleasure.
For example, a friend felt guilty because her mother-in-law's words hit a sore spot and gave up the right to be beautiful and please herself;
And some, never traveling not to play, as soon as there is time to go home to accompany their parents for fear of betraying the "filial piety" or betraying the "loyalty" than their parents' happiness. The first is the "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that.
In this kind of marriage, happiness is shameful.
The root of "poverty" is scarcity.
People build relationships.
"Poverty" in marriages is often projected by people
Because of chronic inadequacy, they are alienated and fearful of the experience of fulfillment, and subconsciously have two layers of defenses:
The first layer is a defense against the pain of having unfulfilled needs;
The second layer is a defense against the disorder and guilt caused by the lack of fulfillment. fulfillment-induced disorders and guilt.
The specific measures can be summarized as "one thought, two feelings".
One thought.
The person who lacks love believes that all resources are finite and non-renewable.
This notion creates anxiety and a huge existential crisis, so more Lepidus is mobilized to cope with the intense insecurity. This manifests itself by directing almost all energy towards "cost-cutting" rather than creation.
For example, people who are short of money will do everything they can to save money, but rarely think about how to make more money.
They say, "Who wouldn't want to make more money, but they don't have the ability to.
In fact, it's not that you don't have the ability, it's that you don't have the extra power to tap into your potential.
For example, people who lack love will be stingy with themselves and won't know how to love themselves.
Some people bristle: I have so little love, it's all given to others. Who will love me?
For them, giving something is like cutting off a part of their body, "hollowing out" and dying.
One of the core feelings: a terrible desire.
Mr. Fu says: unconscious guilt keeps people from enjoying their desires and abilities better.
So needy people treat their desires like a deluge, avoiding them, and once they are satisfied, the guilt floods in.
The netizen shared an experience:
I had my eye on a leather jacket, but I thought it was too expensive and didn't buy it. One day it was on sale while an event was going on and I ended up spending over 2,000 dollars on it. But when I got home, I found myself unhappy and full of guilt. Worn only once, it's in the bottom of the crate.
This feeling can stem from childhood, when parents neglected, devalued, and repressed their desires and internalized them as a bad, ugly, shameful look. If you get close to it, you'll never get beyond it.
Core feeling #2: I'm not worthy
Also triggers another twin feeling: because good desires are never fulfilled, I must be unworthy.
Generalization makes me unworthy of all the good in the world.
By devaluing myself and keeping a reasonable distance from my desires, I can avoid the pain of not wanting anything.
The subtext of "too expensive" in the above example is "I don't deserve to wear such expensive and beautiful clothes"; even if I bought it home, I wouldn't dare to wear it even once because this kind of happiness is too expensive and too glaring for me to enjoy.
"One thought, two feelings" can effectively protect people from the pain of desire, but there is a side effect - suffering from scarcity.
This side effect is very strong and far-reaching, and can even go on to create a "poor N generation".
4. How to turn "poor" into "rich"?
If both people have a strong sense of want, marriage is naturally "poor".
"Poor marriage" makes people feel aggrieved and harms their children and grandchildren. What are you waiting for, leave the white?
If you leave the relationship, you can't get out of yourself, and the rest of the relationship will still be affected by the "poor sour taste" without dealing with it first.
Friends decide to change.
Self-awareness
Accepting the lack of self, then capturing and experiencing that lack, and seeing the subconscious mind play all sorts of tricks.
On New Year's Eve, a friend passed a florist and suddenly wanted to buy a bouquet of flowers to decorate her home.
Quickly a thought popped up: a couple hundred bought and faded in less than a week. You are too extravagant!
Then another voice sounded: do you deserve this exquisite life?
Instead of trying to block out the harsh voices, she stood in front of the florist's store and felt the feeling. She stood for ten minutes.
Those ten minutes were agonizing and precious, and the mechanism by which scarcity operates became clear: desire rises-, desire depreciates3354, self-attacks-, self-depreciation.
Clearly there is no shortage of a couple hundred dollars, there is just an intense tearing pain. The tiny desire was brutally snuffed out at all costs.
She cried: why in the world do I treat myself so badly?
Deliberately practicing cognitive correction.
In this incident, my friend adjusted two cognitions:
First, material and spiritual resources are renewable, and as long as you have the heart, you can live forever;
Second, I'm no longer a tender child, and the right to self-fulfillment is in my hands.
This infused her with great strength, not only to buy flowers to go home, but also to face her mother-in-law's difficulties, deal with her own inner turmoil, embrace her own unusual contentment and extend it to every aspect of her life:
No longer obsess about the baby's expenses, within the limits of their ability to choose the favorite;
No longer repress themselves, yoga, shopping, girlfriends get-togethers, glorious nourishment;
No longer repress themselves, yoga, shopping, girlfriends get-together;
No longer repress herself.
No longer complaining about the husband does not take the baby, but again give tolerance and care;
Help your mother-in-law to share the household chores as much as possible, accompany her to chat, with hand cream carefully care of her rough hands.
Some advice from a friend:
Self-satisfaction after adapting, one word, cool;
Fruitful, dare to spend more money, and now also exploring new avenues to earn money.
Husband and mother-in-law still have opinions, but she gently gagged them with love and action.
System change
According to systems theory, a change in any one part of the system brings about a change in the system.
Family systems change when a friend's "little nut" doesn't work properly for a while.
For example, in the middle of the night, the father surfed the Internet, walking around the living room with the baby in his arms, whispering: "Son, stop crying, let mom sleep a little more;
For example, the mother-in-law has learned to have fun, and sometimes goes out to square dance, soaring spirits, and fewer broken thoughts;
For example, the table is becoming more and more rich in dishes, and occasionally the whole family goes out to "dabble". "The company's website has been updated with the latest information on the company's website, including its website.
And my husband took a good chance on a better paying job.
Meeting again, my friend was overwhelmed with emotion: I didn't realize that I had given up "poor parenting", and I got through it, and so did my marriage.