We often hear this sentence in life: not a family does not enter a family door, this is said as if it is very mysterious, feel that they bring home the object of the meditative heaven destined, and then we will be beautifully called - fate. In the feelings, fate is a very magical thing, as if we were born, in fact, your other half has been objective in a corner of the world, Ta waiting for the right time to meet with you, then, so to speak, we choose a spouse and why will be in that Ta? Is it possible that Ta is really our former family, so we are reunited in this life?
Speaking of which, I have a neighbor from the same village, he talked about a girlfriend during college, and at that time did not bring his girlfriend back to see his parents, but usually the hair of his parents always describe to his parents on the phone their girlfriend's hobbies, eating habits, character, etc., and his father often joked: "You find this girlfriend aspects and your mother is very similar to ah, after your father's father, I will not be able to find a girlfriend. The first thing you need to do is to get a good understanding of your mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, so that you can get along with her.
At first, he didn't notice this, but after his father's repeated jokes, he made a point of comparing his girlfriend with his own mother and found that this was true. For example, Hairy's mother likes to eat pike crabs, his girlfriend also likes to eat, his mother is fine like to dance square dance, his girlfriend is fine also like to participate in the school's dance club, just a different kind of dance, and then his mother's character is softer, other people no matter how to get angry, his mother will still be calm and reason with each other, his girlfriend is the same, so his girlfriend's roommates are praised for its superb character, the people are very I'm not going to be able to do that.
After graduating from college, he brought his girlfriend home to meet his parents for more than two years, and his girlfriend's mother and his girlfriend had the feeling that they had known each other at first sight, as if they were their own daughters, exuding an aura similar to their own, and even the same village people who had seen his girlfriend said to his mother, "Your son is really lucky, and this girl is quiet and gentle, with a shadow of you. Sven, there are shadows of you, indeed not a family does not enter a family door."
Listening to more of this makes one feel that one's own destiny has actually been arranged by the old man of the moon is clear, one does not need to take the initiative to look for destiny, as long as the quiet waiting for destiny to come, has always been "destiny" as a guideline for me to be convinced, until recently in a book on the psychology of love I saw a term called "the law of the complex" to let me suddenly realize that fate is not mysterious, we choose a spouse is actually our initiative to look for that other people in the mouth of the "family", rather than we were arranged by the old man of the moon to the plan of love encounter! The first thing I'd like to say is that I don't want to be a part of it.
One, "the law of complex" of the introduction
This term is not difficult to explain, on a simple sentence: anyone in the earliest subconscious have been love mother or love father.
Scientists in the United States once conducted a psychological experiment on oedipalism: they gave women a choice of men's clothing with different scents, and found that most of the women chose clothing that smelled more like their fathers.
This result is a direct scientific confirmation of the female attachment to the father, the so-called "Oedipus Complex", also known as the Elektra Complex.
In the previous hit TV series "Flower and Bone", after the Shu ordinary orphan girl flower thousand bone since their own birth mother died, father followed not long also died, after all kinds of coincidence, flower thousand bone became the youngest door of the long stay door white ZiPiao's only disciple, white ZiPiao has our Chinese people on the father of the perfect definition of almost all: silent, heavy to keep promises, coarse and fine Tender character and so on, although the two are also teachers and friends, but in life, Bai Zi painting, the identity of the master in the hearts of Hua Qian Bone more to play a father role, in the process of spending time together, Hua Qian Bone fell in love with Bai Zi painting.
In this love affair, Hua Qian Bone, with the deepening of the feelings of Bai Zi Painting, the entire drama throughout the feelings of Hua Qian Bone from love to self-sacrifice, revealing the "father complex" on this strong and kind girl to play an important influence.
Responding to the "Oedipus complex", there also exists the "Oedipus complex", also known as: Oedipus complex. The literal meaning of the term is that men admire and worship their mothers when they are young, and when they grow up and look for a partner, they subconsciously take their mothers' good behavior as a criterion for choosing a spouse.
Second, hidden deep in our hearts, the law of the complex
In fact, each of us deep inside the hidden complex, it is hidden deep in our hearts to play a certain influence on our view of choosing a spouse, how this law of the complex affects our tendency to choose a spouse? We will analyze this influence from two aspects: the inertia of getting along with parents and the similarity of parents.
1, with the parents of the day and night, so that we are more accustomed to this mode of living
From our wow wow fall to the ground, until we leave our parents to go out on their own to study and live, during this period of time will be and parents *** with the same spend more than ten years of **** at the same time, in the same house under one roof to eat, care for each other, nothing when chatting, and so on. When we and our parents in a mode of life after a long period of time, this mode will be stereotyped, we are familiar with each other's habits, food and drink hobbies and temperament, etc., so when we grow up in the search for an object, we subconsciously seek with the previous family of a similar way of life of the person, in other words, our mind has been parents so many years of people, habits and temperament, etc., into an input signal, and the parents will be able to find the right person. In other words, our mind has turned our parents' behavior, habits, temperament and personality over the years into input signals, and built up a data model standard in our mind, which we recognize very well. Therefore, when choosing a mate, our mind will naturally call up the standard model and compare it with the person we meet, and when the comparison value reaches a certain quantitative value, we will accept the person, or reject the person, which is a little bit similar to the logic processing mode of our computers nowadays.
Human.
People always have a kind of inertia and inertia, inertia refers to we hate to change the existing cognitive standards, inertia refers to we will be the original recognition model for the continuous cognitive reinforcement, because we have been since childhood to the parents of the attachment of the psychological, and after so many years of reinforcement, we are more determined to choose this kind of spouse on the need to find similar to the parents such as the candidate of the conviction, so we are in the selection of the spouse of the lazy to change, all the heterogeneous, and the most important thing is that we can't change. When lazy to change, all of the opposite sex to be compared with their own hearts to recognize the model, if the difference with the parents is large, the heart even if the assumption of forced acceptance of each other, the heart will feel very resistant.
2, we have lived into the parents, and parents similarity of the other half, we have a strong willingness to accept
Psychologists have pointed out that when we have a sense of love, we will instinctively parents as their own choice of standards, that is to say, we find the object of a lot of parental shadow. We know that appearance can be inherited from our parents, and temperament and personality in the many years and parents have some kind of similarity, for example, for families with sons, outsiders often say that this son's temperament and his father is really like, although science can now prove that our appearance can be inherited, but there is no conclusive and credible evidence to say that the temperament and personality can also be inherited.
But in the son's subconscious mind, he was attracted by his mother's good behavior, and has a natural urge to worship and appreciate her, and at the same time, subconsciously take his father as a competitor, he knows that his mother likes his father's kind of man, so he also subconsciously molds himself into a man similar to his father's kind of man, and that's the reason that his son's and his father's temper and personality are very much like each other. This is the reason why the son's temperament and character are very similar to his father's. And after spending time with his parents, we all have the same rhythm of life and habits with each other, the son grew up after the choice of spouse naturally to the father's image of the self, to the mother has a good character as the choice of standards, so we tend to choose and their parents similarity to the high degree of the opposite sex in order to satisfy their own unaware of the needs of the complex.
So many people say that there are a lot of similarities between lovers, although none of us may have actively noticed this, and it is only after a longer period of time in a relationship that we can either actively or passively notice that we have some similarities with the other person, even if we didn't have such an active purpose in mind at first.
Three, when choosing a spouse, how to choose their own half
1, take its advantages, go to its shortcomings
We have the law of their own complexes do not have to be recognized or denied, the parents have a good character as our half of the choice of the standard itself is not wrong, after all, after years of living with their parents, we know that these advantages will bring us a future life. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands dirty.
The opposite of good is bad, for example, there are daughters in the family, although the father is very responsible, to the daughter of a million pampered, what the daughter wants to buy what, but even a small request to his wife to be mercilessly rejected, resulting in many mothers have been working for many years have not been able to buy themselves a new dress, so daughters in the choice of a spouse, surely tend to look for pampering their own Boys, and especially like to hypothetically ask each other later have children, you have children and I which will be better, in fact, that is, in early childhood when the mother suffered from the aggression in her heart left a shadow, she does not want to be pampered situation because of the marriage and was cut off, she wants to get married before and after the marriage to enjoy this feeling of being pampered.
People are not saints, who can not fault, have the effect of the complex of parents and there is nothing wrong, we only need to compare the advantages and disadvantages against the parents leaked out of the comparison, to take its advantages, to go to its shortcomings can be.
2, love is mutual benefit, not selfless dedication
As children, our parents often pour us selfless love, unrequited, but we as an independent individual to start looking for a partner with their own hand in hand to complete the rest of their lives, we have to clearly recognize that love and even marriage does not exist in the absolute selfless dedication, and more of a reciprocal benefit, they have a certain value and characteristics that attract each other. The other side will pay you only if you have some kind of value and characteristics that attract the other side. If you lose this favorable condition, you will lose the realistic basis for the other side to pay for yourself.
When choosing a spouse, we also need to recognize the limitations behind the law of complexes, in the end, it is the essential difference between love and affection, we can't turn the selfless dedication of parents to their own affection into the object of obligation and responsibility, after all, love is based on the mutual adoration and appreciation of each other before they finally came together, so that love is selfish, we will have the advantages of the parents as the choice of their own spouse, more should be the opposite of the standard. The standard, more should reflect on their own what value, they can bring what the other side, only talk about the right to ignore the obligations of the feelings of the mirage, the lack of reality of the foundation.
The feeling of admiration and appreciation for parents extends to the choice of spouse, is a subconscious of human instincts, in fact, the world where there is so much coincidence, just to seek the ideal model of the heart of the ideal relationship and the initiative to get the results, "not a family does not enter a family," ultimately reflecting just what we have for the The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new pair of shoes or boots, and then you'll be able to get your hands on a new pair of shoes or boots.