Sexual desire is the core of the will to survive, which is the crystallization of all desires.
The perfect love between men and women is free and fearless, and it is an equal combination of body and spirit. It should not be impossible to be ideal because of the body, nor should it be scary to the body because the body will interfere with the ideal.
the sweet love of communication and the sensual love of madness and pride are combined into one, which is the most ideal.
Sex is a kind of poetry and music that comes from the core of life, and it has different scenery because of different interpretations.
The greatest disaster of our civilization is the morbid hatred of sex.
1. Women are the hardest hit areas of "sexual shame"
Xiao Huang, a visitor from the Sleep Psychology Center of our hospital this afternoon, talked about a boyfriend a year ago, but broke up a month ago. When it comes to the reasons for breaking up, I realize that this girl is really miserable.
Speaking of the reason why she broke up, in fact, up to now, she is not particularly clear. She has been wondering whether she is too bad or not, and she feels very guilty and guilty.
I asked her when she began to realize that something was wrong with their relationship.
Xiao Huang said, "One night, we went out to play with a group of friends. It was too late, so we got a room outside."
I said, "Did he get your people and stop caring about you?"
Xiao Huang argued, "No, if I got it, I might not break up. When he took off his clothes and tried to get close to me naked, I pushed him away, because what I felt at that time was disgusting and I couldn't accept him approaching me. "
me: "Are you frigid?"
Xiao Huang: "I don't think so. Sometimes I still have desires and impulses, but at that time I just thought he was disgusting when he took off his clothes. My mother told me that girls should love themselves and not hand themselves over casually. "
I: "Oh, so besides nausea, you felt ashamed at that time, didn't you?"
Xiao Huang: "Well, something like that. I think I may just be too embarrassed to accept it generously. Later, we slept with our clothes on. It seems that after that day, I sent him a WeChat, and he rarely replied, or replied very slowly, and his attitude towards me was very cold. I was also talking on the phone, and he just said,' Uh-huh, oh, ah, good'. Later, I said that we are not suitable to break up. "
I am silent!
There is a saying on the Internet that girls have lived in shame since childhood.
Shame of development, shame of menstruation, shame of love for beauty, shame of dressing up, shame of falling in love, shame of going to bed, shame of giving birth to a child, shame of feeding a child, shame of domestic violence to the public security bureau, shame of divorce, shame of second marriage, endless ...
In this matter of sex, we can never talk well. Xiao Huang is not a case. I believe many people have had similar experiences.
There is widespread sexual shame among women in our country. In fact, women, like men, have desires for sex, but few women face their desires, let alone enjoy the pleasure of sex. Once they enjoy it, they will soon deny it in their minds and think that it is wrong for them to do so.
This is the so-called sexual shame. For this reason, it seems that being sexy and loving beauty are also sinful. When I wore lipstick as a child, I was scolded by my mother for not learning well. When I was a teenager, I loved to dress up and was mistaken for a bad girl by others.
In society, women who love makeup and dress sexy are always called foxes by others. It can be seen that sexual shame is deeply rooted in women's minds, so many women are afraid to wear beautiful clothes and make up.
Because this is not allowed in our culture. It is precisely because of the influence of this traditional culture that women have not really received sex education, and their parents are very conservative, which makes women feel that it is a shame to talk about sex.
Second, "sexual shame" is a normal psychological phenomenon
Sexual mental health refers to the perfection and coordination of sexual behavior in physical, emotional, rational and social aspects by enriching and perfecting personality, interpersonal communication and love. Sexual mental health is an important part of human health, which can not be ignored. In recent years, more and more attention has been paid to it.
sexual mental health must meet four conditions: first, the individual's body and mind should belong, with obvious contrast. If yin and yang are indistinguishable, it will be difficult to implement sound sexual behavior and obtain happy love; Second, individuals have good sexual adaptation, including self-adaptation and heterosexual adaptation, that is, they can accept their own sexual characteristics and desires and get along well with the opposite sex; Third, treat both sexes equally, and should not artificially create division, discrimination or prejudice. Have a clear understanding of all sexual ignorance, sexual prejudice and fallacies that have been formed for various historical reasons, and understand and pursue sexual civilization; Fourth, you can naturally enjoy sex with high quality.
As a part of physical and mental health, sexual mental health is closely related to people's physical structure, physiological function, psychological quality and social adaptation, so there are many factors that affect sexual mental health. First, the quality of parents, to a considerable extent, genetic genes and embryonic development determine the physical and mental condition; Second, I, since I am sensible, have certain control and responsibility for my physical and mental development; Third, family and social education. Anyone who lives in an environment that can treat society and family in a scientific and civilized way can always face and treat sex naturally, independently and happily. However, in a family or social environment where sex turns pale, people are forced to have a dirty, mysterious and disgraceful psychology towards sex. This unnatural mental state, contradiction and struggle with natural life needs, often distorts human nature. This not only leads to unhealthy sexual psychology, but also has a bad influence on people's life.
Sexual shame is a normal psychological phenomenon and belongs to the normal category.
shame comes from people's own contradictions. For those things that are not recognized by us, but cannot be avoided and must be experienced, we can only face them with shame.
It is normal and advanced for people to have sexual shame, because shame itself is a high-level emotion that we humans have generated and inherited in evolution.
Sexual shame is by no means a "shame" thing. It doesn't matter if it exists, because sexual shame is a very normal thing. If you don't believe me, ask your friends, I won't believe that you don't have such friends.
Third, "sexual shame" is an escape from life.
Sexual shame has spread to this planet like a plague. People use all kinds of secretive and childish words, such as "Tintin", "Sister" and "Love" to talk about all kinds of things related to sex. It is also blood, but many people insist that menstrual blood is dirtier than nosebleeds; When children explore genitals with curiosity and joy, they are often violently attacked and banned by adults, and since then they have had a psychological shadow over sex; Many people actually have a lot to say and a lot of questions to ask about sex, but they can't say it or have nowhere to say it ...
Some people worry that if they are not ashamed of sex and don't suppress it, people will be addicted to sex. However, who knows that the phenomenon of excessive indulgence and destruction of life balance is often due to long-term suppression of dissatisfaction. If you are finally free, you will of course want to make crazy compensation.
Let's take a look at the examples of eating. Most people don't have too much shame and depression about eating. They eat freely, and they don't ruin their lives by indulging in food. However, if you suppress your demand for food for a long time because of compulsive weight loss or other reasons, you will often be unbearable and have symptoms of overeating.
If you had complete freedom and could enjoy all the food in the world, would you do nothing but eat for 24 hours? Do you want to stuff all the food in the world into your stomach? Or will you feel relaxed, secure and confident in this freedom, and only eat the food that you really want to eat and feel comfortable after eating?
Many people have misunderstood the phrase "all evils are the first". The original intention of the word "obscenity" is excessive and has nothing to do with sex. Excessive will destroy the balance of life, which will naturally bring all kinds of pain. The real balance of individual life comes from free, smooth and personal exploration without repression and distortion, just like weighing things with a scale, which needs to be explored left and right to finally find that balance. Any standard from external authority or the public may not be your true balance.
Let's take a look at nature. Nature is full of sex. Flowers are the sexual organs of plants. They bloom on the earth without shame. People can't help admiring these beautiful genitals, taking pictures, smelling them, eating vegetables and tea ... but they are often ashamed and disgusted with their genitals, thinking that they are dirty and ugly.
people who are lucky enough to give birth naturally are born from the sacred vulva, and every part of the whole body has experienced a tight hug from the vulva. To think that the vulva is ugly and dirty is tantamount to thinking that one's life is born from ugliness and filth. What a fierce self-attack!
Mother Nature is sexy and passionate. Sexual energy exists continuously between heaven and earth, flows and expresses itself in various forms. Butterflies fly to flowers, and peacocks display colorful screens, all of which are dances of this sexual energy.
not every situation is suitable for expressing sexual energy by words or actions, but it is not necessary to see, recognize, accept and celebrate the existence of sexual energy within yourself. The flow of this energy is as natural and wonderful as the sun falls on the top of your head and the breeze blows over your face.
sexual energy is much broader than sexual behavior. It can be expressed in too many ways, such as creation, dancing, eating a strawberry with full devotion and enjoyment ...
Sex is often regarded as a scapegoat. Historically, people often attribute the unwise behavior of men themselves to the sexual charm of "femme fatale", which is really unreasonable, just like students themselves don't want to study, but they blame the clouds outside the classroom for being too beautiful.
It's certainly easier to attack something that everyone is attacking without analyzing the cause of things in depth and in detail. Instead of thinking about how to use something correctly and wisely, it is certainly a good way to be lazy.
Shame is actually an escape. Shame makes people avoid talking about it, not facing it, and escape from real action, change and growth.
Maybe, you still have a lot of confusion, a lot of pain and a lot of things that make you feel uncomfortable about sex. But you don't need to be ashamed of it.
When the barriers of shame are removed, there will be more room for light to shine in.
sex is sacred. Using it consciously is a door for the soul to go home.
sex is normal. There are countless ways to love, and sex is one of them.
sex is a miracle, and you come through this miracle. You are a miracle, and this universe is the mutual echo of miracles.
IV. Causes of "sexual shame"
1. Cultural customs
It seems that there is no sex education in the education we received since childhood, and our parents are very shy about talking about sex, but they will convey to us that sex is shameful and dirty by actions.
For example, if you are caught reading pornographic books, you will be severely beaten or scolded; For example, when we see kissing in a TV series, we will change the channel calmly to avoid embarrassment in front of our parents, but it will be even more embarrassing.
As a result of this taboo sex education we received from childhood, many of us have a sense of sexual shame, especially in this respect, the requirements for women are more demanding. It seems that many women can't generously put forward the demand of "I want to have sex with you" in the relationship now.
2. Conformity effect
Shame implies our deviation and violation of the rules.
Eve and Adam never felt ashamed when they played naked in the Garden of Eden, because no God told them it was wrong.
Women in a certain place in Africa don't wear tops, and outsiders will feel shy and shocked when they see them topless, but it is a common thing in the local area.
But in our country, if someone plays happily in the square naked, it will definitely be regarded as abnormal or mentally ill. Because it violates the rules that we are used to, and it is different from us.
Similarly, when a person feels ashamed, he feels that he is doing something that is not allowed, and this thing deviates from the public's judgment standard.
When we realize that we are the same as others, we won't feel ashamed. This is the strength of the group and our psychological need to avoid loneliness and seek a sense of identity. This argument is equally applicable to shame
3. Low self-esteem
Each of us has two evaluation systems: self-evaluation and other evaluation.
when there is something wrong with our self-evaluation system (such as low evaluation), we can't form a clear positioning of ourselves, and we often know ourselves with the help of outsiders' evaluation of ourselves.
when we are in a state of self-confidence (high self-evaluation), we seldom care about the evaluation of others.
For those who are sexy and ashamed, their self-esteem level is often lower than those who are not ashamed, and they will have complex emotional feelings such as self-denial, attack, self-blame and guilt.
Because they need to agree with other people's views on sex, which usually come from their parents' views on sex when they were young, as mentioned above, the sex education we received from childhood shows that sexual shame has become a natural thing.
V. How do women eliminate "sexual shame"
With the continuous development of society, women also have independent ability and consciousness. As an independent individual, women should also face up to their own desires. Everyone has their own desires, including sexual desires.
In people's subconscious, it is easy to associate the word sexy with slut. In fact, women themselves can be sexy, which is also a symbol of female charm. This is different from slut, and women should know how to distinguish it.
Sexiness is a part of women's life, but attractive women are often judged by various kinds, but women should also have courage, but these courage may also be hated, and there are certain risks.
When you think about the charm of women in live high, you may be criticized by others, even women will reject yourself, but you must know in your heart that you have not done anything shameful and there is no need to be ashamed.
With the development of the times, this sexual shame may gradually fade away, but this process may be very long. After all, it is also influenced by traditional culture, but women should not suppress themselves to pay for the sorrow of the times and make themselves live so tired forever.
you should embrace yourself and accept yourself. Tell yourself: "Don't be ashamed, it's all normal." If you can, hug her and accept her. Say: "Don't be ashamed, that's not wrong."
ding jungui
November 18, 221