"An An, you said you love me, and I believe you, but is it just words?"
"An An, do you still want to go to Beijing? "Well, yes." He asked me tentatively, but I answered firmly.
"An'an, it's not that I don't love you. Have you ever thought about whether you could give up something for me?" I have nothing to say. Over the past six years, I have indeed loved him seriously. I want to work hard to keep going with him, but I have never thought about how to make real efforts. I can take an overnight train to see him, or I can knit scarves and make cakes for him, but I have to admit that I have never I thought about changing my life and trajectory for him.
"Look, after six years, I am not even qualified to be your weakness."
Wu Chenxuan is the one I have been with for the longest time, and he also regards me as a good person. The clearest one. Before the relationship was confirmed, he said that in the future, I would be the one sitting on top and moving around as I pleased when I had sex with others. "An'an, you seem to like to take the initiative." At that time, he just thought it was a joke. , but the more I thought about it, the more appropriate it became.
We met in Tieba, Hell Apartment, an online novel whose content I have almost forgotten.
On September 2, 2010, I was woken up by a nightmare at 5 a.m. and could not fall asleep again. I happily started a group chat. At that time, he was the only one online. "You got up so early too?" "I'm 3 and haven't slept yet!" "Then why aren't you sleeping yet?" "If you don't have faith, you can't sleep." When I rubbed my eyes and saw that the words "no faith" were motionless, When I was lying on the ground with the screen of my mobile phone at five o'clock, I was so disgusted. "Then let me be your belief!" Well, I was disgusted by myself again.
"Xuan Mo requests to add you as a friend."
"Girl, do you have someone you like?" "Yes, I like our physics teacher." "Is he handsome?" "An old uncle." "Are you an uncle person?" "Yes. Ah! "Then you can call me uncle from now on!" From then on, I called him uncle for nearly six years.
We often play Scary Instructions together in the forum, just like in the novel, while avoiding the pursuit of ghosts, while brain-burning to find a way out, he will always save me in critical moments, Yun Listening to his analysis in confusion, I remembered a sentence written by Black Tinder in the novel, "Conversations between smart people don't need to be explained too clearly." I followed him all the way, from a rookie who didn't understand anything, to a rookie who could live for a long time but still didn't understand anything.
I don’t believe in online dating, nor do I believe in long-distance relationships. Maybe it’s because I think it’s good for someone to save me, or maybe it’s because I think it’s good for him to listen to what I say. There are a hundred ways to be together. The reason is that we just naturally get together. I probably know that he is eight years older than me, lives in Shanghai, likes football and games, and keeps saying that he likes me. In fact, he is right. I do like to take the initiative. I can be an excellent listener to my friends. However, to my boyfriend, I always like to bring up the topic myself. I will use various words when he is halfway through talking. I interrupted for various reasons, but Wu Chenxuan would always express his understanding no matter what I did, so in the six years we have been together, we have only had two quarrels. However, I have told him the legends of my family for eighteen generations many times, but he has not mentioned a word about his life, so I still know very little about him, and the topics between us are becoming more and more complicated. Come less and less.
The most common thing we did was make phone calls. At the beginning, we had endless things to say. I come from an area inhabited by ethnic minorities. I have seen the Miao people's poison, the Yi people's Torch Festival, and the Bai people's ancient writings. He liked to hear me talk about these strange customs and habits, and I liked to hear about his past affairs with girls. Each phone call lasted at least two hours, and we talked so much that I was dancing and talking, and my mouth was dry, and I seemed to really like him.
Because the most common thing we call is that he sings to me. He sings really well. He will also study the songs I want to listen to, whether it is the folk songs of Good Sister, Luo Zhixiang’s dance music, or Zhao Chuan’s rock and music. He has sung all Adele’s classics for me. I still remember what I loved hearing the most was that the moon represents my heart. I happened to be learning guitar. Every time I learned a new song, I would record it and send it to him, and he would learn the song and sing it to me. He never knew that I would record every time he called me. I would record the songs he sang and the words he said he loved me. "An'an, actually you don't have to go to such trouble to record it. I can be your mobile karaoke station in the future. I can sing for you anytime you want."
This incompetent mobile karaoke station It only lasted three years before it needed repairs, so on our fourth anniversary I put all the audio I'd recorded on a CD and sent it to him. At that time, we hadn't called each other for a long time, and he hadn't sung to me for a long time. That was the second time we quarreled. He probably didn’t disclose our affairs to his parents, so the 28-year-old was arranged for the first blind date, the second blind date, and the third blind date. The one I bumped into was the third blind date. Second blind date. "Uncle, have you eaten?" "Sorry, he went to the bathroom. I'll ask him to call you back later." This is not the familiar and gentle voice, it is an elegant and mature girl. I don't have it. That elegance and sophistication. Later, I just tentatively asked him who the girl was, but there was a moment of silence. After the silence, he calmly admitted that he went on a blind date. "What about me? You went on a blind date, what should I do?" "An'an, I'm sorry, please give me some time, I'm sorry."
I was not surprised by his honesty. His mobile phone I will always carry it with me. If I can just give another girl a chance to "answer the phone", I have already announced this to me. So we had a cold war for more than half a year, and the communication for half a year ended with "good morning and good night" from Ding Mao in the morning and evening. I really regarded myself as a single person. I remembered that the first time we quarreled, it was not a cold war and it was very intense. I forgot the reason. It was probably because he was playing games with several girls in another forum. I only remember the result clearly: I took an all-night train to Shanghai. As soon as I arrived at the downstairs of their company, I slapped him in the face. I made a scene like a shrew bargaining at a market. In the end, I was held in his arms and kissed him for a while. , and there was no more quarrel.
Three days before his birthday, I sent the CD. After struggling for a long time, I finally wrote "Uncle, I wish you happiness." "An'an, do you believe me?" Before I could answer, he continued: "I said I would be your lifelong mobile karaoke station, and I will never break my promise. I will take you back to my home when you graduate from college. Believe me.”
Whether it’s because the ghost is obsessed with him or he’s still greedy for his favor, we still made peace.
Since then, I have been using this mobile karaoke station for six years.
The most heart-warming thing about Wu Chenxuan is that he replies to my messages instantly every time, even if I just follow a funny Weibo post and follow him, he has persisted for many years. You know, doing many things once or twice is just impulsive or convenient, but doing it for three to five years is the real warmth. "Human Chrysalis" said: There is telepathy between people who love each other, so no matter what the reason is, I am very moved. He keeps saying that he is a robot that responds instantly.
Yes, the service life of this instant reply robot is only six years.
In fact, at the beginning, I always felt that Wu Chenxuan was a liar, either a pyramid scheme or an organ seller on the black market. I am so insecure, and I always feel that society is full of dark sides. I feel like I am being persecuted and paranoid, thinking that people around me have ill intentions towards others, and I am afraid and unwilling to trust anyone. It wasn't until the first time I met him - it was my eighteenth birthday, and he came specially to celebrate my birthday with me - that he didn't tell me in advance. He found me at the address I gave him and found him downstairs in my dormitory. I made the call.
He was wearing a velvet black shirt, dark blue jeans, short hair, and holding a bouquet of red roses. The petals reflected the early spring sunshine on his cheeks. He didn't know whether it was the redness reflected by the roses or the heat rising at noon. The crimson eyes showed a maturity that boys in college did not have. It was the maturity portrayed by that kind of life that stood out among the crowd of classmates that attracted me.
I took the flower from his hand, held his hand and walked out of the school gate in the eyes of my classmates with envy and astonishment. This bouquet was a joke when we first got together: "Uncle, when will you come to see me?" "We will see you when the time comes." "Then buy me a bouquet of flowers when you come, okay? This way I can recognize you at a glance." It was just a joke out of a girl's vanity, but he took it seriously.
A man who was once a promiscuous man can change his gender for you. This is something that makes a girl feel more proud than conquering a cold and inexperienced man. So he always makes me believe him. You see, he is a real master of flirting with girls. In the six years we were "together", I only shed tears for him three times. When we finally broke up, in the rest of the days, they all spoke love words to me, even though I kept reminding myself that these were all words - yes, every girl doesn't like to hear sweet words, they are so charming. The ears are soft and soft, and the whole heart is full of surprise and throbbing.
October is the time to fill out the application form. We had originally agreed that I could really get on the right track with him after I went to Shanghai to study for three years as a graduate student. But it wasn't until the re-examination at the beginning of the next year that he discovered that I had not yet booked a ticket to Shanghai, but instead quietly went to Beijing.
"An'an, did you... not fill in Shanghai?"
"Uncle, I'm sorry."
I am not full of positive energy and want to fight all the time. People like most girls do not have any great ambitions. Why don't you want to marry a rich man and live a leisurely and comfortable life? I know Wu Chenxuan meets such conditions, and I believe he can do it. However, I am too insecure. This kind of security can only be given to myself. So I faced the fork in the road between Shanghai and Beijing, so I chose the brighter one - going to Beijing.
In fact, filling out the application was just a matter of moving the mouse. He did not see my hesitation and hesitation, and I did not have time to tell him that in fact, he had already penetrated deeply into my soul and had grown into my weakness. I didn’t explain any more. In fact, even though several months have passed since I made this choice, I still don’t understand my thoughts. He insists on thinking that he is insignificant in my heart, so it’s no surprise that he said When I said "Happy breakup", I broke up peacefully with full understanding. I was so confused that I didn't know what I was thinking or what I would do in the future.
Like a walking zombie, he accidentally pulled out a book of Shu Ting's poems from the bookshelf. He didn't know when he put the bookmark in it, and when he opened it with his finger, he found "To the Oak":
If I Love You ——I will never be like the climbing flower in the sky, using your high branches to show off myself;
If I love you——I will never imitate the infatuated bird, repeating monotonous songs for the green shade;
It is not just like a spring, bringing cool comfort all year round;
It is not just like a dangerous peak, increasing your height and setting off your majesty.
Even sunlight, even spring rain. No, these are not enough!
I must be a kapok tree near you, standing with you as the image of a tree.
The roots are tightly held in the ground; the leaves are touching in the clouds.
Every time the wind passed by, we greeted each other, but no one understood our words.
You have your copper branches and iron trunks, like knives, swords, and halberds; I have my red flowers, like heavy sighs, and like heroic torches.
We share the cold wave, wind and thunder, and thunderbolt; we enjoy the mist, mist, and hauni.
It seems like they are separated forever, but they are still dependent on each other for life.
This is great love, and steadfastness is here: I not only love your majestic body, but also the position you insist on, the land under your feet.
After I read this poem word for word, I remembered that I had inserted this bookmark a few days before filling out my application form. The reason why I gave up going to Shanghai was precisely because of this sentence—— I must be a kapok tree near you, standing with you as the image of a tree. The reason why I gave up going to Shanghai is that I hope I can try my best to choose a better place. I don't want to just be Wu Chenxuan's rib. I hope I can fall in love with him on an equal footing. I have told him this reason many times, but the social experience that preceded me many years has made him lose his fighting spirit. He often tells me: As long as we can have a good life, there is no need to work so hard. But I don’t believe it. In my heart, I always want to work harder on my own with the energy that has not experienced setbacks.
"An'an, I like you so much, I like every part of you: the coquettish, willful and unreasonable you, the soft-spoken and shy you, the careful recorder of every detail of your life. What I like most is that you are always full of energy and do whatever you want. I wanted to do it for you, but I didn’t expect that it was you who attracted me the most and pushed me farther and farther step by step.”
After falling in love, I finally walked towards a path that is more suitable for me. I will definitely become a better version of myself. Uncle, I am very lucky to have loved you, which made me willing to give and find the source of my efforts. I am also very lucky to have been loved by you. Every care and touch you gave me will always be remembered in my heart and will make me happy. Cherish it in the future life.
I wish you had your copper branches and iron trunks, like a knife, a sword, and a halberd; I wish I had my red flowers, like a heavy sigh, and like a heroic torch. Even if I can no longer share the cold wave, wind and thunder, and thunderbolt with you; I can no longer enjoy the mist, mist, and rainbow with you.
We finally separated forever, but failed to be dependent on each other for life. Goodbye, my uncle who is eight years older than me; Goodbye, my mobile karaoke station; Goodbye, my instant reply robot.