1.
A girlfriend told me about her frustration. Since having a son, her life has been centered on her son, who cries and laughs and rolls over and walks away, and he has attracted her full attention.
A person's energy is limited, because she puts all her focus on her son, and her attention to her husband is much less accordingly.
When her husband was late for work, she used to call him to ask how he was doing, but now that she has a son, she doesn't call him anymore;
When her husband was sick, she didn't stay by his side all the time as she used to do, but had to take care of her son instead;
When her husband wanted to eat the food she cooked, she had to see if her son was happy to have his father take care of him so that she could take time out of her day to go to the kitchen...
When her husband was sick, she had to go to the kitchen to check on his son's health, so that he would have a good time. ...
Because of her negligence towards her husband, she feels that their relationship is getting weaker and weaker. There is no conflict, just less and less communication, and they are no longer as close as they used to be.
She herself knows that this is not good, but let her more than a year old son, on the secondary position she can not do.
So she had to continue the conflict, and business as usual.
In fact, in addition to the girlfriend's case, there is another is a worse relationship between husband and wife, because they can not get the love of their husbands, many women have children, can not help but to put their own love, all invested in the child.
Because the child occupies the favorite of his heart, the husband and wife relationship is relegated to the second love, and even no longer love.
2.
This kind of family relationship is not normal, but unfortunately many people do not realize it.
Let's talk about two examples from acquaintances I know.
There is a distant aunt whose marriage was decided by her parents. After the marriage, the two couples did not get along, often quarreled, and were particularly indifferent to each other.
The aunt has only one son, because the marriage has become a setup or empty shelf, she put all the love and hope, all to the son.
The son on the junior high school residential school, she rented a house in the town to accompany him; son on the high school, she rented a house in the city to accompany him; son on the university, she still can not part with her son, she ran to the son of the university as a dormitory administrator.
It was not easy for her son to graduate from the university, she took out her savings to help her son make a down payment, and then she lived with him.
At this point, it looked like they were happy.
Later, when her son got married, she had to follow the couple when they wanted to go downstairs for a walk; she had to follow them when they wanted to go out for a weekend; she had to follow them when they sat on the couch and snuggled up together, and she had to go and join in, squeezing in the middle of the room.
Sometimes her son doesn't want to take her, but she says he doesn't love her anymore and cries and screams to go home. Her son is very helpless about it.
On top of that, she has an inexplicable hostility towards her daughter-in-law in her family, and often tells her relatives around her that her daughter-in-law is too lazy, rude, and not nice to her. I have met her daughter-in-law, a very gentle girl, sensible and reasonable.
Later, her son saw that this is really not good, too much hindrance to their lives, want to let her go back to their hometown, she refused to go.
Because of her excessive adhesion to her son, the relationship between her son and her daughter-in-law is now very bad, and has reached the point of divorce.
Her son is miserable. Instead of reflecting on herself, she often says, "My Qiangqiang is not short of a daughter-in-law, so it's good to be divorced.
The relatives around her also advised her many times not to interfere in the lives of her children, but she did not listen.
This is the first time I've ever seen a woman with a child in her life, and I've never seen her with a child in her life.
3.
There is another aunt I know who is particularly reasonable.
Because she and her husband had a very good relationship, at a very young age, she pushed her children out to be independent.
When it was time to live in school, when it was time to exercise, and she was just being a normal mom and giving her children normal love.
So when faced with the separation of her sons and daughters from her as they grew up, instead of being anxious, she said, "I'm going to be liberated, how wonderful.
Now, her sons and daughters have started their own families. She never interferes in their lives or decisions.
For this reason, her daughters-in-law respect her very much and often go back to see her on holidays.
Her daughter once asked her to take care of the kids and she refused. She said she had a mother-in-law and she didn't want to be involved in their family life, and that she couldn't help but be in charge if she went, and that it wouldn't be good for either of them.
She now lives in our town, dancing with the old ladies in the evening and raising flowers and vegetables during the day.
And she and her uncle are very much in love with each other, the two go out to buy a vegetable, but also often arm in arm, around the neighbors will sometimes tease their old couple.
4.
In this comparison, the aunty at the back is much happier and more likeable. That's because she handles family relationships well.
The German family therapy master Hellinger said: in a family, the relationship between husband and wife, there is a "priority", parents must not "love children", and ignore the spouse.
My aunt was unhappy because she neglected her spouse and put all her hopes on her children, and she couldn't help but interfere in their lives when they became adults.
This is one of the worse family relationships out there.
The famous psychological counselor Wu Zhihong said: the first law of a healthy family - husband and wife relationship, is the NO.1 at home.
Although many women just become a mother, can not do to put the child on the secondary position.
But as the child grows up, it is possible to gradually get out of hand.
Because children have their own lives, they can't need us all their lives.
5.
My good friend Lanlan thinks very openly about this, and her son is 3 years old.
There are always those two weekends a month when she takes half a day out to go shopping by herself and her husband, watch a movie, or go find a place to relax for a short while and leave her child with her in-laws.
Now her son, every time he sees the two of them going out, he will consciously say: Mom and Dad are going to go to their own life again, I go to find grandparents.
Such childish talk is very interesting and inseparable from their teaching.
A lot of people say, "I can't live in a two-person world when I have a child," but it's just that you don't want to be separated from your child. The fact is that you don't want to be separated from your child, and it doesn't mean that your child doesn't want to be separated from you.
Even without the help of the elderly, after the child went to kindergarten, it is also possible to have a couple of dashes.
A few days ago, a friend of mine told me that she and her husband had discussed that on the first day of kindergarten, the two of them would go out for a day of relaxation and living their own lives, even if it meant going to a movie arm in arm. Even if they were at work that day, they were going to take the day off to go out.
After hearing this, I think it's a great idea. At the very least, they understand that what matters most in a family relationship is the relationship between the two of them, not hogging the kids separately.
6.
For the kids, if their parents don't put so much energy all over them, as long as their parents love each other, they can be at ease being a kid without deluding themselves into being the adult spouse of a heterosexual parent and doing things that are very much out of character for his age.
Having prioritized family relationships and understanding that your spouse is the one who will truly be there for you for the rest of your life. If you still want to live with him properly for the rest of your life, you need to adjust yourself, refocus your life, and actively improve your relationship.
Instead of letting the relationship get worse and worse, to the point where it's irreparable, or even if you don't get divorced, there's a great deal of indifference between the two of you.
Many parents want to do what is best for their children, so they give them all their love. But we also need to understand that for the sake of our children's health, we can't be too attached to them and don't love them more than your spouse.
The ones we love the most are bound to be the hardest to let go of, just like my aunt who still can't let go of her son even though he's married and it's time to live his own life.
Since it is bound to be cut off, we should not let it become the favorite. Even if it's temporary, it's time to adjust and get back to normal, so that it's really good for the kids, good for the family, and good for you!
Otherwise, in the future, you will definitely be the mother who makes the child hate and helpless, and the wife who makes the husband not spoiled. This is horrible! Even though you didn't intend it to be that way!
Your kids shouldn't be your favorite, you are.