One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the police station with a cleaver, and said to the police: "Hello, I'm the robber, I brought a cleaver to look for trouble."
Hip-Hip and Haha are good friends, very good friends.
One day, Haha died. Hip-Hip was very sad, he went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you're dead."
One day, an elephant walking in the forest, accidentally touched an ant nest full of ants, it shook the body of the ants down, but there is still a left in the elephant's neck, then the ground ants on the top of the ants screamed: strangle it ..... Strangle it ......
Three mice were bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison like candy, and I don't feel comfortable not eating it for a day." Another said, "I love to skate down the street twice a day or I can't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's late, so I'll go home and hug my cat."
The couple divorced and fought for the child, the wife said: "The child came out of my stomach, of course, belong to me!" Husband said: "Joke! Simply nonsense. The money taken out of the cash machine can belong to the cash machine? It still belongs to whoever inserted the card!
Phase
The Chinese folklore of the twelve signs of the Chinese zodiac is also a topic of great interest to Westerners, and everyone wants to find out what animal they belong to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belong to" Hemingway often confused.
One day he said excitedly to his secretary, "You belong to the pig."
The use of the words "female" or "male" in Chinese to describe the sex of an animal was too much for Hemingway, because in English both male and female can be used to describe a person or an animal.
Hemingway was walking her dog down the street one evening when she saw me and proudly introduced me as "my girl dog."
Safety cap
Hemingway, in addition to driving a small car, usually love to ride a motorcycle, said it is convenient. I said there were too many cars on the road, be careful. He answered: It's okay, I'll wear a condom. He was going to say "helmet" (helmet).
Measure words
Measure words in Chinese also gave Hemingway a headache. Once he labeled himself "a good man" and was asked what he meant. He said, "A good man means a thin, tall, good-looking man." He explained that "a" naturally means long and straight, and that "a good man" should naturally be a good-looking man.
Another time he told me he saw "a little dog" on the highway. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he retorted with a serious expression that it was really a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by a car, and the squashed puppy had been turned into a puppy as a matter of course, just like a piece of paper or a photo.
On top of that, such as what "a pair of pants", Hemingway argued, because pants have two legs, two that is, a pair of pants, so yes. He even went to the Chinese to debate, insisting that it should be "a set of buttocks" in order to be logical, which is very funny to hear.
Various kinds of "juice"
On one occasion, the test Hemingway's idiomatic ability: "racked ____ juice".
The results were:
"Strangle the ink," "Strangle the milk," "Strangle the juice," "Strangle the soup "
Ha! "You're really 'racking your brain' and not coming up with 'racking your brain'
A mom told a little girl, "If someone is sexually harassing you, if they touch you up top, say "No! If someone is sexually harassing you, if they touch you on the top, say "no", and if they touch you on the bottom, say "stop"!"
The next day, the little girl was sexually molested and came back crying to her mom, who, after listening to the little girl's words, said angrily, "Did you say no to that person?
The little girl looked at her mom with innocent eyes and nodded her head, saying, "He touched me up and down, so I said, "Don't stop!
Ge Liang is a person who is well versed in the eight arts, and one of his specialties is ventriloquism. But this day Zhuge Liang is with Liu Bei in the tent deliberations, Zhuge Liang suddenly want to fart,
and afraid of being heard by Liu Bei, embarrassed. He had an idea, said: "Lord, in order to regulate the atmosphere, I learn woodpecker call to you how?" Liu Bei nodded.
Geliang Zhuge Liang imitated the woodpecker call twice, and took the opportunity to fart. Then asked, "How about it Lord? Did I learn to imitate?" Liu Bei said, "You learn it again, just
Just now you farted too loudly, I didn't hear it."
A elementary school student was particularly nervous about her first school recitation competition, and her teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally, it was her turn.
The elementary school student gritted her teeth and took a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers, classmates, I recite the title: Red Leaf Madness (Maple) ......" ~~-#￥**......
Or an elementary school student, to see the teacher point to read the composition of the classmates, especially envious, always looking forward to the teacher can also let their own read back. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm sure I'll be able to.
"So-and-so, read your essay to everyone!"
The pupil stood up with a flourish: "My Teacher. Teacher, how much I am like your mom ......" : (
This time it was a poorly schooled host of a song and dance troupe.
A performance that was rushed on stage without proper preparation beforehand.
The performances went in order.
It was her turn to announce the curtain: "Friends of the audience, please listen to the calf (solo) flute playing ......" (Note: "calf" means "to curse" in Northeastern dialect.)
The audience poured out -#$-
My family used to plant green onions in pots in the winter to keep them fresh.
My sister saw it when she came home for New Year's Eve and said to my mom with delight, "Hey! Mom, this thick real onion ......"
My mom and I both fell down laughing.
There is a neighbor I call "Big Aunt" who rides her bicycle to work every day.
Early in the morning, I ran into her at the door, I smiled and politely said, "On the aunt ah, Taipan ......."
Bah! ...... I was dying to bite my tongue off.
A certain female classmate, one day looking at her shadow, suddenly turned her head to the person behind her and said, "Is my chest hair beautiful?"
Scared, and added: "Oh, I meant to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."
All rise! Play the flag, raise the national anthem...
I took my son to feed the ducks. He was chasing the ducks around while spreading breadcrumbs on them, and I was chasing him behind with his apple (he doesn't like it, so I had to wait for the opportunity to slip him a few bites when he was mentally distracted). He kept running and I kept yelling at him, "Come here and have a bite of apple before you chase the ducks!" Always repeating the phrase, I finally yelled out loud, "Come over here and have a bite of duck ......" And then very smartly braked the gate.
I remember when I was in elementary school, there is a piece of text called waterfalls, the middle of the author turned a mountain to see a waterfall hanging in the mountains, one of my female classmates read aloud is also the voice of the read: turn this mountain, I was stunned, a rag hanging on the mountain.
The class was stunned.
Another line in the text, taken from a novel by a Russian author, reads: All the houses here belong to the lords (meaning the rich).
The result was that one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to the lords. As soon as the words left his mouth, our language teacher asked him suspiciously: where do all the old ladies live?
Zhuge Liang is a person who is proficient in the eight arts, one of the specialties is ventriloquism. But this day Zhuge Liang is with Liu Bei in the tent deliberations, Zhuge Liang suddenly want to fart,
and afraid of being heard by Liu Bei, embarrassed. He had an idea, said: "Lord, in order to regulate the atmosphere, I learn woodpecker call to you how to listen?" Liu Bei nodded.
Geliang Zhuge Liang imitated the woodpecker call twice, and took the opportunity to fart. Then asked, "How about it Lord? Did I learn to imitate?" Liu Bei said, "You learn it again, just
Just now you farted too loudly, I didn't hear it."
Electrical supplies held a joke-telling contest, and the rule was that each appliance had to tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or be taken to Aruba.
First up was the washing machine, and when he finished his joke, the whole audience laughed.
Suddenly the rice cooker was heard to say, "It's cold~~~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
The smartest computer was up next, and as soon as he finished his joke, all the appliances all doubled over in laughter.
Another rice cooker was heard saying, "It's cold~~~"
So! The computer is taken to Aruba, too.
The third one is the most humorous, Table Lamp. The table lamp told the joke with great confidence and everyone all rolled on the floor laughing.
The rice cooker added, "It's cold~~~"
Just as the table lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily, turned his head to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough of this, just laugh, and don't open your mouth so wide, it's cold ugh! "
Electrical supplies held a joke-telling contest, with the stipulation that each appliance had to tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or be taken to Aruba.
First up was the washing machine, and when he finished his joke, the whole audience laughed.
Suddenly the rice cooker is heard saying, "It's cold~~~"
So the washing machine is taken to Aruba.
The smartest computer was up next, and as soon as he finished his joke, all the appliances all doubled over in laughter.
Another rice cooker was heard saying, "It's cold~~~"
So! The computer is taken to Aruba, too.
The third was the most humorous, the Table Lamp. The table lamp told the joke with great confidence and everyone all rolled on the floor laughing.
The rice cooker added, "It's cold~~~"
Just as the table lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily, turned his head to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough of this, just laugh, and don't open your mouth so wide, it's cold ugh! "
Electrical supplies held a joke-telling contest, with the stipulation that each appliance had to tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or be taken to Aruba.
First up was the washing machine, and when he finished his joke, the whole audience laughed.
Suddenly the rice cooker was heard to say, "It's cold~~~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
The smartest computer was up next, and as soon as he finished his joke, all the appliances all doubled over in laughter.
Another rice cooker was heard saying, "It's cold~~~"
So! The computer is taken to Aruba, too.
The third one is the most humorous, Table Lamp. The table lamp told the joke with great confidence and everyone all rolled on the floor laughing.
The rice cooker added, "It's cold~~~"
Just as the table lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily, turned his head to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I've had enough of this, just laugh, and don't open your mouth so wide, it's cold ugh! "
Ugly Child
A woman gets on a bus**** with a child in her arms. The driver took one look at the child and suddenly said, "I've never seen such an ugly child in my life!"
The exasperated woman went to the last row, sat down, and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!"
The man replied, "You hurry up and settle your score with him, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ......"
Speaking bad Mandarin jokes
1, the fish seller pulled his voice and shouted one after another, "Fish la, fish la." Next to a date seller, he yelled, "Fish, fish, fish." Fish." Fish." Fish." Fish." The more the fish seller heard, the more wrong, feel the date seller as if intentionally against him, so the two quarreled.
2, a township enterprise's factory director will go to Kobe, Japan, to visit, he can't even speak Mandarin, usually only speak dialect. So he let his subordinates to find an interpreter, the subordinates came back to report: "Japanese interpreters do not have a can understand the factory director of the vernacular". The factory manager said: "This is good, we will bring another teacher from the town, then ask him to translate our native language into Mandarin." The subordinate said, "It's not enough, when we get to Japan, we still have to ask someone to translate Japanese 'Mandarin' into Kobe's vernacular."
3, a very heavy dialect of the earth tone of the outsiders, in the city lost their way, see a gentleman lady came over, they greeted and asked: "rabbit (comrade), kiss (please) ......" Before the words were finished, the lady was so angry that her face turned red.
4, a southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing, said to the waitress: "sleep a night (dumplings a bowl) how much?" The waitress heard, the color changed, shrill: "rascal!" When the southerner heard this, he said, "Only 60 cents, cheap, come one night (bowl)."
5, there is a pair of farmers brother and sister with a crate pulling wheat to the market to sell, a southerner came to their brother and sister, asked: "Big brother, your little sister (wheat) how to sell ah?" The elder brother was so angry that his veins popped out on his forehead.
6, the cow old man in the loud hawking: "Sell moon cakes, four dollars ten." Many people went up to buy these "cheap" moon cakes, and only when they paid did they realize that the old man's moon cakes cost ten dollars for four.
7. The old people in the home for the elderly held a party on the night of the Mid-Autumn Festival, and the host, Mrs. Wang, said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin, so please be quiet."
8, a northerner in a park in Guangzhou to ask where the "cable car", according to the answer to find, found the "men's room".
9, a couple of the first morning after the wedding, the family got up and washed their faces, the bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law: "mother-in-law, please die first (wash)." After saying this, the bride then said to the groom, "If your mother-in-law dies, will you die?" After a pause she added, "When both the mother-in-law and you die, I will die last." When the mother-in-law heard this, her face turned blue and she could not say a word. The bride added, "Why don't you die, mother-in-law?"
10, a Putian old lady selling sugar cane on the roadside, a bus stopped, the car a foreigner came to buy sugar cane in front of the old lady's stall, just weighed sugar cane, not yet paid, the car started. The old woman urged, "Hurry up, you money to me, I marry (cane) to you." The foreigner was so scared that he didn't even take the sugar cane and flew to the car.
11, a country girl came to the supermarket, the waiter warmly greeted: "Miss, what do you want?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pigsun (bamboo shoots)."
12, Chunhua met a friend with his son shopping, busy to go up to greet, and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) looks really cute."
13, a rural elementary school classes, the teacher walked into the classroom: "Stand (on) class." The students said in unison: "old death (teacher) good!" The teacher said: "Spit blood (students), early death (on) good!"
14, two country girls back to the city, it is late, see a truck driving, they waved to the truck, the driver poked his head out, a girl said: "Comrade, we can do (sit) your wife (car) child?" The driver said in a bad humor, "Who wants you to be my wives." The other girl hurriedly said, "It doesn't matter, we are very close (轻)." The driver was so angry that he drove away, thinking, "Who's going to kiss you guys."
15, the village headman said at the villagers' meeting, "Rabbits, shrimps, pickles are too expensive, don't want soy sauce melon, want pig's feet." Translating his dialect into Mandarin is: comrades, villagers, the meeting is now in session, don't talk, pay attention.
When my friend and I first moved, we didn't have a TV at home, and the two of us were bored. We pretended that there was a TV on the table, and then the two pretended that there was a remote control in our hands and that we could change the channel. This son of a bitch kept changing the channel, and when I told him, he didn't listen, and then we got into a fight.
The teacher asked Ming a question in class and he stood up but didn't say anything.
Teacher: Xiao Ming?
Teacher: Xiao Ming
Teacher: Xiao Ming! What's wrong with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least tell me!
Ming: Squeak
Three bunnies pooped
The first was a long one.
The second is just a round ball.
The third one is actually triangular .
Asked, it replied, I squeezed it with my hand.
The cow calls the sheep,
and the sheep asks, "Who are you?"
The cow says, "I cow"
The sheep asks, "Shit, who are you?
Cow: shit, I cow
Pig Bajie is on the moon and Chang'e make out, suddenly a black shadow swept past, Pig Bajie hurriedly carrying a nail rake
chase out, after a while back, said: shit, Yang Liwei ......
A man had a parrot, very powerful, and it was locked up with other birds were killed by it.
Then the owner got an eagle back and shelved it, and when the owner came in to see it, the parrot's fur was hanging outside the cage.
The master said, "This time not **** it."
But in a closer look, is the eagle died, the parrot naked and said, "This grandson is really powerful, do not take off the bare bladder but also really can not beat the Ya Ting."
The prisoner was executed by firing squad, due to the bad quality of bullets, the first shot did not ring, then fired a second shot. The third shot. At this time the prisoner cried, holding the bailiff's thighs, said: big brother you strangle me to! Too fucking scary .....
"Have you ever heard of a joke where the big pig says yes and the little pig says no?" The average person would answer no.