Kind of nonsensical, kind of boring, to put it nicely, kind of postmodernist. Modern people got tired of telling those primitive jokes, got bored of hearing them, and came up with all this cold stuff.
Small White is a lot like his brother, you know why?
Because: really like the big white
2, a polar bear stayed alone on the ice, really boring to start pulling their own hair to play, a ...... two ...... three... ... the last plucked one not left, he suddenly shouted ............ so cold ah! ..................
3, there is a person who looks like an onion, walking and crying
4, a hot summer day, two bananas walking on the road.
Walking in front of the banana suddenly felt so hot, he said, so hot oh, I want to take off the clothes.
The banana in front of him felt hot, and he said, "It's hot, I'll take my clothes off.
The banana behind him fell down.
5. There's a hide-and-seek club, and the head of the group hasn't found it yet.
6. What's a two-finger V? What is it? It's a yay~~Hands shaking and shaking down, what is it? It's a falling leaf! hahaha,I'm laughing my ass off
7.Stretching four fingers,
is how many?
FOUR,
Bend four fingers,
what is it?
WONDERFUL~!
8, millionaires driving a luxury stretch "Lincoln" sedan through a village, saw two beggars on the side of the road is pulling grass to eat, the millionaire then stopped the car.
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We really don't have any money ......" A beggar replied.
"Really, get in the car and go to my house."
"I have a wife and two children at home ......" A beggar muttered.
"Get them here.1 The rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call your family too."
"My family can be very large, besides my wife, I have five children." The other beggar said.
"It's okay, call all of them, go1
In this way, the two beggars and their families got into the car, good thing it was a stretch car. Exercise on the way, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "boss, you people really good, even poor people like us you can invite home ."
Millionaire replied: "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, the family house has been left unattended, the yard lawn may be more than a meter high, you can eat enough.
1. Is there any more vegetables? --
In chemistry class, the teacher explained the relationship between solvents and solutes: "A certain solvent can only dissolve a certain solute. For example, you ate a bowl of rice, and then another bowl, and the third bowl is already full, can you still eat?"
One student asked, "Is there any more food?"
2. Calculation -
A student took out the dice and shook out ten multiple-choice answers during the exam. Near the end he suddenly took it out and shook it. The invigilator finally relented: "What are you doing?"
The student replied, "I'm checking my math."
3, to where--
One day, a lady called for a cab. Miss: "Hello! I'm at so-and-so intersection, I need a taxi."
Driver: "What are you wearing?" Miss: "I'm wearing a white blouse and a blue skirt."
Driver: "Where are you going?"
Miss : "To the knee." Driver : "。。。。。。"
4, Egyptian and Indian people oh, is not to use grass paper, they have responded to the call of nature , you know what they how? They use their left hand to clean, and then rinse with water, how dirty ah, but every time I pass by a building, see there to buy Indian dump cake queue so long, I have to cover my face and laugh to go over, to know ah, that hardness dump cake a hand is not shaken up ah.
5, look at the legs to recognize people -
In a university animal examination, the examining professor announced the question: in front of the classroom put ten birds, each bird is covered with a bag, only the legs are exposed. Each bird is covered with a cloth bag and has only its legs exposed. Look carefully at the legs of each bird and tell us its common name, its habits, its genus, and so on.
One college student looked at the legs of each bird, but they didn't seem to be very different from each other, and the more he looked, the more annoyed he became, so he got up and said to the professor, "This test is so boring, who can recognize birds by their legs?
The professor was surprised by his behavior and asked, "What class are you in and what's your name?"
The annoyed college student walked to the podium lifted his pants up and yelled at the professor, "Guess, guess!"
6. The Beggar and the Scrooge -
A beggar came to beg in front of a Scrooge's house.
Beggar: "Please give me a small piece of meat, cheese or cream." Scrooge: "No!"
Beggar: "Breadcrumbs will do."
Scrooge: "Neither!"
Beggar: "A drink of water then!" Scrooge: "We don't even have water anymore."
The beggar got angry: "Then why are you still sitting at home? Why don't you come with me and beg for food!"
7. The Captive and the Horse -
A cavalryman was unfortunately captured in battle.
"We will kill all the prisoners." The leader of the enemy army said to him, "But since you have performed admirably in the battle, I can kill you in three days and fulfill three requests before then. Now, you may make your first request."
The cavalryman, without thinking, said, "I want to say something to my horse." The chief agreed. So the cavalryman walked over and whispered into his horse's ear. When the horse heard it, it gave a long whinny and galloped away. At dusk, the horse returned with a beautiful girl on its back. That night, the cavalryman spent the night with the girl. The chief marveled: "What a marvelous horse!" he said. He said, "But I still have to kill you. What is your second request?"
The cavalryman again asked to speak to the horse. The chieftain agreed, so the horseman whispered to the horse again, and the horse whinnied again and sped away. At dusk, the horse returned, this time with an even sexier woman on its back. That night, the cavalryman and the girl spent another night together.
The chief was impressed: "You and your horse are a sight for sore eyes, but I'm going to have to kill you tomorrow, so now make your last request." The cavalryman thought for a moment and said, "I want to talk to my horse alone." The chief thought it was strange, but he nodded his head and left with his entourage, leaving only the cavalryman and his precious horse in the tent. The cavalryman stared at his horse, then suddenly grabbed it by the ears and said angrily, "I repeat, bring a brigade, not a woman!"
8. Grab the answer ----
A man went to the restroom at a highway rest stop. The first stall was occupied, so he went into the second. As soon as he sits on the toilet, he hears someone next door say, "Hey, how's it going, everything okay?"
The man felt strange talking to someone while he was on the toilet, but, in order not to be rude, he reluctantly replied, "It's going okay!"
Then the man next door added, "What are you up to?"
The man was shocked and even more surprised, but still answered: "I'm going to Taichung on business."
Then he heard the man next door say, "I'll call you back later. There's a psycho next to me, every time I talk to you, he snaps to answer."
9. Interval Station ---
A passenger says to the conductor, "I want to go to Tonkas."
The conductor says, "You can't stop at Tonkas on this train on Tuesday, but, man, we slow down when we change tracks at Tonkas, so I'm going to open the door and you just jump off. The car isn't going very fast, but you'll have to follow it forward after you jump, or it'll roll you into the wheels."
When the train reached Tonkas, the carriage door opened, and the man jumped off the train and darted forward, and, being nervous, he ran until he reached the door of the first two carriages. Just at that moment the carriage door opened and a steward dragged him into the carriage again. The train resumed its normal speed.
The steward said, "Man, you're lucky we don't stop at Tonkas on this train on Tuesdays!"
10. Boast ----
A farmer boasted to someone that his estate was very, very large. He said, "If I drove around my estate, it would take a week."
A listener sympathized and said, "Yeah, I had a beat-up car like that too."
11, our multiplication mnemonic is very powerful ...... several scientists in a meeting together, someone asked 11 times 11 is equal to how much, the American scientists hated to put their feet out of the count, the Chinese scientists immediately answered to 121, the American scientists immediately criticized in a serious manner: how can math be masked it, science is a very serious topic. Science is a very serious topic. Then took out the calculator and pressed half a day, really is 121, can not help but be surprised: rely on, you Ya Meng really accurate
12. A person regardless of what car, are to lean against the window. One day, to go to the airplane, he took the boarding pass with the lady said he wanted a window, the lady told him that there is no more.
After boarding the plane, he casually found a window seat and sat down, suddenly came a man, said to him, this is my seat, he said I like this seat, I just do not let it, the man begged and pleaded, to no avail, and so very angry, said: well then, the plane you to drive it!" Turned around and left!
Ghosts demanding their lives
Once upon a time there was a man who had a girlfriend. He loved her more than any other person in the world. But one day, his girlfriend left him mercilessly, without even giving him a reason. Watching his girlfriend being taken by someone else on her arm to go shopping, he was in so much pain that he lost his mind. Finally one day he killed his girlfriend. Originally he planned to kill himself after killing her. But he only felt the preciousness of life when he was about to die. From then on, he was plagued by nightmares every day, in which his girlfriend was naked, with her hair hanging down, her red tongue hanging to the ground, and her fingers like hooks to ask for her life. The nightmares tormented him so much that one day he came to a Taoist priest to get rid of them. The Taoist priest asked him to do three things: first, bury his girlfriend's body properly; second, burn the nightgown she wore before she died; third, wash the bloody clothes he hid; and all these things must be done before the third night, or else he would be killed! He followed the Taoist priest's instructions to do all the things carefully, but the bloody clothes could not be found. It was about to be the third watch, and beads of sweat dripped down his face wetting the carpet. When the third watch was approaching, he found the bloody garment, but no matter how hard he rubbed it, it would not come off. Suddenly there was a gale of wind, lightning and thunder. The windows were swaying from side to side by the wind, and the sound of breaking glass made people more alarmed. Suddenly all the lights went out, and the whole house was in darkness. Lightning, only to see his girlfriend wearing blood-stained pajamas, blood dripping from the eyes, full of grimace pointing at him in a stern voice: " Do you know why you can not wash off the blood stains," he was stunned a sentence can not speak
Girlfriend continued: "Because you did not use the sculpture brand laundry detergent, stupid. "
It was late at night, and a cab driver decided to take one more passenger home, but there weren't many people left on the road. The driver was driving without a purpose when he noticed a white shadow in front of him, beckoning to him. It was unnatural to have people in the quiet of the night, and the situation had to remind people of something they didn't want to think about, which was ghosts!
But in the end, the driver decided to pull her, and the man got into the car and said in a miserable, hoarse voice, "Please go to the crematorium." The driver winced with excitement. Could she really be. He couldn't think any further, and didn't dare to. He regretted it, but now there was only to deliver her surprisingly quickly.
The woman's face was clear and white, and she had nothing to say all the way, which made people's bones creepy. The driver really can't continue to drive on, very close to where she wants to go, he found an excuse, stammered, "Miss, really sorry, the front is not good to turn around, you walk over there, it's already very close."
The woman nodded and asked, "How much is that?" The driver hurriedly said, "Forget it, forget it, you're a woman, so late can, come here is not easy, forget it!"
"How can that be good."
"Just let it be!" The driver insisted.
The woman couldn't argue, "Then, thank you!" She said, and opened the door.
The driver turned around to start the car, but didn't hear the door close, so he turned back. How did the woman disappear so quickly? He looked at the sit, it wasn't there! Not in the front of the car, not on the left, not on the right, not in the back! Did she just disappear?
The driver's curiosity then he wanted to find out, he got out of the car and came to the door that hadn't been closed,
"Did that woman just walk away so fast, or is she just ." He was about to break down and was just about to get out of here when a bloody hand tapped him on the shoulder, he looked back and the woman stood in front of him with her face covered in blood and spoke.
"Master! Please, next time you park, don't park next to the ditch."
3)There are two people
In a remote village, there is a straight utility pole on a goat's path, and strangely enough, people often have accidents there.
Soon a young man and woman were accidentally knocked down by their bicycles and killed instantly. One night, five-year-old Xiaozhi and his mother passed by there on their way home, when Xiaozhi suddenly said, "Mom, there are two people on the pole." Mom held his hand and quickly walked away saying, "Kids don't talk nonsense!"
But this incident soon spread, one day, a reporter came to interview Xiaozhi let him take him to see the place where the accident occurred, Xiaozhi generous lead him to walk there, the reporter asked: "Where?" Xiaozhi pointed to the top, the reporter looked up, the pole hung a sign,
On the writing: traffic safety, everyone is responsible .
4)Complaints from three ghosts
One day they met God while shopping! They told God that they had all died horribly and wanted to be allowed to go to heaven! God said, "There are too many people living in heaven right now, and it's full. But there is still one more place left! You can tell me who died the worst death and who will go to heaven!
So the first ghost began to speak: I was a cleaner in my lifetime. I worked very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning the glass outside a building! It was one of those dangerous jobs where you hang outside at high altitude! I was on the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and I fell! I thought, "That's it! I'm going to die! But my survival instincts had me grabbing unconsciously! Luckily, I grabbed a balcony railing on the 13th floor. I thought, "I'm saved. I thought I'd climb up after I got my strength back! Suddenly, someone swiped my hand and I fell again! I thought, "This is the end of me. But I was not meant to be. There was a tent at the bottom that caught me, and I was glad that I must have been virtuous in my past life! I thought I'd go down when I got over it. But then a refrigerator fell from above and killed me!
The second ghost said: I was a clerk in my past life. Everything was fine, I had a wife, very beautiful. Great body! But just a little watery. I had a slight heart attack. One day at work forgot to bring medicine, I went home to get . When I came in, I saw my wife's hair was all over the place, and her clothes were all unkempt. There must be an adulterer. So I searched all over the house, the kitchen and the toilet, but I couldn't find anything. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing, and I thought, "Adulterer. So I rolled up his hands. I thought, "13th floor! I'll see if I can't kill you! But when I saw him, he didn't die! He was caught by the tent! I was in a hurry, so I searched all over the house. I went into the kitchen and found the refrigerator was big enough, so I threw it down. Finally, I smashed him to death! I was so happy! I couldn't stop laughing. Who knows, I laughed so hard that I died of a heart attack!
The third ghost said: I was a punk in my life, but I didn't do anything bad! One day I went to a female friend's house! I had just finished my business when her husband suddenly returned! I had to find a place to hide. I searched the kitchen and the toilet, and finally found a big refrigerator, so I hid in the refrigerator! I don't understand how her husband knew I was in the fridge. He actually threw the fridge down from the 13th floor! He threw the fridge down from the 13th floor and I fell to my death with the fridge!
5)Ghosts in the toilet
Chu Yang went to the countryside to visit his relatives, who told him that there were ghosts in the toilets, but if you don't accept the ghosts' things, the ghosts won't hurt you. May be the reason for the soil and water, to the night, Chu Yang Xiang's stomach aches to death. There was really no other way, Chu Yangxiang had to go to the toilet with fear in his heart. Chu Yangxiang just squatted down, then heard the ghost's voice:
"Want red handkerchief or white handkerchief?"
Chu Yangxiang knew he couldn't accept anything from the ghost, so he replied, "I always use newspaper."
Looking like he had dysentery, Chu Yangxiang ran to the restroom again not long afterward, but, this time, he was no longer afraid.
After the ghost saw Chu Yangxiang, he stretched out his hand again and said, "Do you want the Youth Daily or the Central Daily?"
"I always use sports newspapers."
In the night, Chu Yang Xiang went to the toilet for the third time.
"Want Youth Sports or Central Sports?" The ghost asked.
"I ...... I just want to pee."
(6) Mighty Ghost Phone
There used to be a time when you made a phone call and the number wasn't pressed like it is nowadays, it was dialed by inserting your finger into a disc with a hole in it. That is to say, once upon a time. The phone number of Xiaoming's house was 444--4444, and there were often strange calls coming in.
One day at 12:00 midnight, the phone rang, Xiaoming picked up the microphone. The caller said in a miserable voice: "Is this 444-4444? Can you help me call the police at 119? I'm so miserable!..."
Ming: "Go find someone else to help you, don't come to me!"
The man: "I can only call 444--4444, there's no way to call anyone else."
Xiaoming was scared to death and hung up the phone quickly.
Can only call to 444--44444? Is it a ghost?
After a while the phone rang again, Xiao Ming did not dare to answer, but the phone kept ringing. Xiao Ming had to pick up the phone.
The man: "Is this 444-4444? Can you call the police for me at 119? I'm so miserable!
My finger is stuck in the phone dialing hole!"
(7) Seeing ghosts
Two men were walking home from a Halloween costume party. As they passed a cemetery, they were tempted to walk through it. Halfway across the cemetery, they were startled by a knock-knock-knock sound. The sound was coming from a dark place and they were trembling with fear, then they found an old man with a chisel in his hand, chiseling a gravestone.
One of the men then said, "My God! Sir, we thought you were a ghost. What are you doing here so late at night?"
The old man cursed, "****, they spelled my name wrong!"
(8) Ghost Fire
On a dark night, a man was rushing through the night and passed a graveyard. The breeze was blowing, and the sounds around him were rustling, which made his hair stand on end and his scalp crawl. At that moment, he suddenly realized that there was a little red fire in the distance, which appeared and disappeared. His first thought was "ghost fire". So he picked up a stone with fear and trembling and threw it at the bright light. The fire flew to the back of another grave. He was even more afraid, so he picked up another stone and threw it at the fire, only to see the bright light flying toward another grave. At this point, he was close to collapse. So he picked up another stone and threw it at the bright light. At this time, he heard a voice from behind the grave: "Damn, who is it? You can't even let people take a shit. A bag of cigarettes work cut me three times."
9)The Doll
There was a taxi driver who worked at a taxi company. Late one night, he was driving through a very desolate area, surrounded by darkness; suddenly he saw a building in the wasteland in front of him, with dim lights on. He was wondering when here up such a building, he saw a lady on the side of the road to sit in his car to go home, the lady sat in the car, he closed the door, began to drive, after a while, he felt very strange, why the lady did not speak, the results of his rear-view mirror to see, which is what the lady, there is only a doll sitting there, he was scared to death, grabbed the doll to the window and threw it out, and went home, he was sick!
After he got well, he went back to work at the taxi company, and his colleagues said: "You're really not nice enough, a beautiful lady came to complain that she wanted to ride in your car last time, and then she just threw the doll in, and you closed the door and drove away.
10)The Ghost Woman
That is to say, on a dark and windy night, right on the longest. The scariest road.
The taxi driver drove by
and there was a woman by the side of the road waving to get in
It was quiet all the way
until the woman spoke
She said, "An apple for you to eat is very tasty."
The driver thought it was great and took it.
Then took a bite.
The woman asked, "Is it good?"
The driver said, "It's delicious!"
The woman came back with, "I loved apples when I was alive, too."
"Wow, &*? $#@",The driver, upon hearing this, was so scared that he applied the emergency brake and turned white.
Only the woman slowly tilted her head to the front and said to the driver: ......
Wanna know what she said?
"But I don't like to eat it after having a baby ......"
That year, after Wu Sung fought and killed Ximen Qing, Pan Jinlian knew that a big trouble was coming, panicked and ran out to escape, she thought ah, this thing is all the Ximen Qing to mess up, the west door is unlucky She thought, "This is all Simon Qing's fault, the west gate is unlucky. Finally realized that there is no way out only to cross the sea, in a small island to survive. The child was born in the stomach, a few years later, the child grew short and short, she knew that this is Wu Da Lang's, but to give the child a name? Call it Taro. You don't believe me? Japanese people have called Tai Lang, Ichiro's, never called Da Lang's, because Wu Da Lang is their ancestor. The Japanese are built by the genes of Wu Da-lang. Mother and son lived on the island. That wave hoof can not help loneliness, hit up the son's idea, finally, mother and son into a good thing, the people on the nearby fish boat have accused, that wave hoof cursed: "my son is my son, self-produced and self-sustaining, care about what you do", so later, everyone will call them "Japanese "The more children you have, the more you raise. More and more children, Taro thought, why don't I set up a country, over a time when the emperor's addiction. The country needs a flag, Pan Jinlian heard, said: "Your father is a cook cake seller, just draw a cook cake on the sheet," so, the flag has. In order to the old Wu family can make good luck, and specially on the flag some four big words: "Wu luck long".
1 chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the gibbon poop, gibbon gentle and careful to help it scrub clean after they fell in love, others asked how they came together? The chimpanzee said with emotion: ape feces! It's all ape feces!
2Fish said: "I always keep my eyes open is to be by your side do not want to leave." The water said, "I flow tirelessly all day long in order to be around you and hold you up well." The pot said, "It's almost fucking cooked and still so stubborn."
3 A house is rented out to multiple men and women, and the bathroom has to be ****ed up, so it takes forever to line up for a shower.
One night Xiao Wu came back from outside and wanted to take a shower, but it just so happened that there was a woman in the bathroom.
So Wu asked, "Miss, do you have someone to wash underneath you?"
The lady replied angrily, "I'll wash myself down there!
4 Female Intern of the Year Award: A Farm Intern
A large group of girls went to a farm for an internship, and the farmer taught them how to milk a cow, and after a demonstration, he taught them to try it themselves. One of the girls was puzzled when she saw that the others had already milked half of the tube, while she had only a little bit of her own.
The farmer came over to take a look and said, "Miss, not only are you milking in the wrong place, but you've also chosen the wrong cow.
The award speech: with practice to prove that if you work hard you can get what you want.
5 Dress of the Year Award: Thong
Before, take off your underwear to see your butt; now, pull out your butt to see your underwear ......
Award Speech: It is a strong proof of the trend of global warming
6 Service Industry Phrase of the Year Award:
I can't give you happiness, but I can give you comfort. But can give you comfort!
The award: Comfort for a moment, happiness for a lifetime.
7 A man had a parrot that was so powerful that it killed all the other birds it was locked up with.
Then the owner got an eagle back and shelved it with it, and when the owner came in to look at it, the parrot's feathers were hanging outside the cage.
The master said, "This time not **** it."
But in a closer look, is the eagle died, the parrot naked and said, "This grandson is really powerful, do not take off the bare bladder but also really can not beat the yatting."
8 very early, there is an American, the French and the Chinese were at the same time fell on a desert island.
There was nothing on the island, so the three of them could only ask God for help, and it was true, the gods came out and said; I promised each of you three requirements you who first said?
The Americans first said: 1 I want a million gold coins, 2 give me six beautiful women, 3 let me out of here.
The gods waved their sleeves and the American disappeared.
The fairy said to the Frenchman: What about you?
The Frenchman: I want 2 million gold coins, 12 beautiful women and get out of here .
The fairy has a wave of his sleeve 。。。。
The fairy asks the Chinese: what about you?
"Give me a bottle of Erguotou " after drinking it down and said: in to give a bottle. 3rd , I have no fun drinking alone let them both come back to drink with me.
So 。。。。。。
After coming back, the Americans and the French were helpless and had no choice but to pray to the gods again for a manifestation.
Sure enough, the gods came out and said that this time I could only grant you two requests, which one of you came first?
The Americans had a good heart and said, "Let him (the Chinese) go first, he went first.
The Chinese said: Give me a bottle of Erguotou. The gods hurriedly asked where is the second one?
Then the Chinese man was drinking that Erhotou too late to speak on the impatient said: OK, OK no you thing, you go 。。。。