This is indeed a very sad issue. The problem is not the harm caused by divorce itself to children, but that many of us divorce and become enemies. The adults do not interact with each other, and even hate each other. No matter who the children are with, They will miss a lot of love from another parent.
I hope that my parents can still get along with each other like ordinary friends after their divorce. We can spend birthdays and some festivals with our children together, and our children can walk around on normal days.
Of course, this is my good wish. In reality, the reason why parents break up is usually because at least one of them is selfish or narrow-minded. After all, if they have children, they will not be able to live together, and they will not separate.
I am a single mother raising a son. Before the divorce, I took care of my son a lot, so the impact on the child is not too great. If his father picks him up to play, I will actively support him. But then my son grew up, and I couldn't take care of him due to some special circumstances. His father took over the care, because his father didn't understand my behavior, and it seemed that my son and I also had a sense of distance. I really regret it.
So from my personal experience, I think the most important thing when taking care of a child is two things. One is to get along with the child more, and the other is to be tolerant and not say anything bad about the other person in front of the child. good.
If it’s a girl, it’s better to stay with your mother! What’s more important is to see who has the conditions and time to take care of the child, the man or the woman, and which one is beneficial to the child’s growth. I got divorced, and the custody of my daughter will be mine from now on. I took her back to my hometown in Shandong, and his father is still working hard in Guangdong. It is more convenient to go to school in my hometown, and it is convenient for the girl’s mother to take care of her. How can a child's childhood be without his mother?
As a young psychology intern in the late 1970s, my first patients were boys from divorced families who suffered from what was then called "father hunger." In those days when parents separated, fathers were abandoned. It is up to the mother to decide whether the father watches the child. This habitual consequence of divorce reflects the belief that mothers are vitally important and fathers expendable. We've come a long way since then.
My colleagues and I have been observing the problems that come with divorce since the late 1970s, and have been studying how to help children cope better when their parents divorce. Children and their fathers often (though not always) want and need more time together. All indications are that having both parents share the responsibility for child care would be beneficial to most families. This is what is now called co-parenting.
Children who spend at least 35 years with their parents, rather than living with one parent and visiting the other, have better relationships with their parents and do better academically, socially, and psychologically . As described at an international conference on shared parenting to be held in Boston next week, they get better grades; are less likely to smoke, get drunk, and use drugs; and are less susceptible to anxiety, depression, and stress-related illnesses. sensitive.
Despite the clear benefits of sex and parenting, gender barriers do not break down easily, and legal reform does not usually proceed without hindrance. Although critics of co-parenting acknowledge that children whose parents share custody enjoy many benefits, they argue that these children do better because their parents have more money and less conflict. Not because their children spend nearly the same amount of time with their parents. Critics also argue that if one parent objects to joint custody, it's a bad plan for the family.
Children whose parents share custody have better outcomes, even if one parent initially objects to the arrangement, and even if the conflict between the parents is severe. ***The benefits of raising children have nothing to do with the parents’ income. Lessons from her job? To ensure better outcomes for children of divorced parents, focus on improving the quality of their relationships with their parents and maximizing the time each of them has.
Most psychologists recognize the importance of both parents being actively involved in their children's lives. But some people draw the line when it comes to young children.
Many people still believe that mothers should care for babies and young children, and if we trust fathers to do their job, we are jeopardizing the health of children.
In practical terms, this means that children whose parents are separated spend every night at their mother's home. No sleepovers at dad's house, even if the same kid sleeps at daycare, takes a nap at dad's house on Saturday, and spends the night at grandma's house.
This blanket restriction continues even though dads are now pushing more strollers than at any time in history. In dual-income families, fathers account for 41% of the total time parents spend with their babies. This is good news for their children.
Fathers benefit from working just as much as mothers do. They learn to read the baby's signals and respond sensitively. Fathers may even have a greater impact than mothers in some areas, such as language development and persistence in the face of challenging obstacles—the "can-do" attitude necessary for success.
When a person goes to jail, the health of his children also suffers
There are two main takeaways here: First, ***co-parenting should not only be a parent* **The standard for children living together, and should be the standard not only for older children but for children of all ages whose parents live apart. Children need a father, not an uncle. Second, if we want to give children the best chance of developing a normal relationship with their fathers, then limiting fathers' working hours to daytime hours before the children enter kindergarten is simply not possible.
It is true that not all families have identical parents after divorce. But it's generally thought to be good for many of them.
If we value dads soothing fussy babies at 3 a.m., or reading "Goodnight Moon" to toddlers when their parents live together, why do we value dads just because they no longer live together? Or is it depriving a child of the expression of his father's love just because the sun has set?
After the couple divorces, whether the child is better off with the father or the mother, this question is analyzed as follows:
1. Look at the age of the child. If the child is under two years old, it is recommended to stay with the mother, as it is easier for the mother to take better care of the child; if the child is over two or three years old, this problem does not exist;
2. It depends on whom the child has a good relationship with. It depends on who is more in charge of the child when he is young, who has a better relationship with whom, and who he is with; this will help the child smoothly adapt to the life of separated parents, make the child feel more secure, and have a positive impact on the child's growth. Advantageous;
3. See whose job is more stable and can have stable and continuous income. Raising a child requires both time and financial foundation. Whoever has a stable job income will be better off with the child, so that the child can have a stable life;
4. Look at the couple who is more mature Intention to take care of children. When couples separate, some feel that they have to take care of their children no matter what, while others want to find some leisure time, or they don't have the conditions to raise children so they don't want children. It all depends on which of the two parties wants to take care of children more strongly.
In short, when the husband and wife separate, the adults can live without each other, but the children are innocent and innocent. We hope that the husband and wife will not affect the grudges between the adults to the children; when the husband and wife separate, the children It is necessary to leave one of the parents, which is very cruel to the children. I hope the parents will negotiate and implement the children's affairs well to minimize the impact of divorce on the children.
In addition, although the adults are separated, they will always be the parents of the child, and the blood relationship with the child cannot be broken. Both husband and wife must have some sense of responsibility and should raise the child. When alimony should be paid, alimony should be paid.
After divorce, if a couple has two children, they can share one child with each other. If there is only one child, should it belong to the mother or the father? Let me tell you in detail.
First of all, you should look at the father and the mother. Who is more like a reliable person in life? Generally speaking, if the mother is reliable, then the child should belong to the mother. After all, maternal love is the greatest love in the world. Generally speaking, if a child lacks maternal love, the child is considered pitiful, but fatherly love? It seems to be too far away from maternal love.
If you are the kind of mother who only knows how to put on makeup and show off her flowers all day long, has a bad style, never cares about her family, and is out of tune, and your father is a father who just wants to live a good life wholeheartedly, this kind of Mothers in this situation often think that their fathers are useless. If they get divorced, the children should definitely follow their fathers. At least they can eat hot meals with their fathers and receive some good education!
If both parties insist on having children after the divorce, you can seek the child's opinion on who he or she prefers to be with, whether he or she prefers the mother's warm embrace or the father's care.
Also, if one of the parties is obviously in poor physical condition, it is better for the child to belong to the healthier party. This is more appropriate. After all, raising a child is a long-term and long-lasting project. A healthy body may not be able to handle it.
Alternatively, the child will belong to whichever party has better economic conditions. After all, today’s children, from kindergarten to high school, have been enrolled in extracurricular tutoring classes and interest classes since childhood, not to mention Chinese, math and English, abacus and mental arithmetic, swimming, various ball games, calligraphy, painting, dance, and even Go and robots. There are all kinds of classes, piano and other musical instruments, taekwondo, martial arts, etc. If the financial conditions are not good, how can you afford this expensive expense?
Whichever party has more practical meaning for the child, the child will belong to that party.
Purely for the sake of the children, the children will belong to whichever party can give the children a better future.
I really want to say that for the sake of the children, it is best not to get divorced.
Regarding this issue, we can first look at two real story cases:
There is a child in a family named Xiaoliang (forgive me for such a vulgar name, because, I think the more ordinary, the more representative, so the names of the children in the following families are still very vulgar).
After Xiaoliang’s father cheated on her, her mother filed for divorce. Xiaoliang lived with her mother and needed support and help from her grandparents from time to time.
Because his father was at fault first, his mother, and his entire family, were full of hatred for his father and regarded him as an enemy. In order to achieve revenge, they even deliberately prevented his father and the child from getting together. Meet Liang.
Men are all big pigs.
Xiaoliang’s father was no exception. After the divorce, he quickly married his cheating partner, started a new family, and gave birth to another child. But Xiaoliang's mother, despite secular prejudice and busy life, never remarried, and her life was bitter and difficult.
After having a new home, my father was under a lot of pressure to raise his family, and the child support was not paid in a timely manner. The extremely annoyed mother often asked Xiao Liang to call his father to ask for money, and scolded him in front of the child:
"Your father is really nothing. He was ungrateful and abandoned me at the beginning, and now even you... The relationship between Xiaoliang and his father has become a naked financial relationship. Xiaoliang is indifferent to his father, and his father is cold-hearted towards Xiaoliang. The relationship between father and son, which was already alienated, will become even stranger in the future.
Xiaoliang became more and more silent due to his guilt towards his mother and hatred towards his father.
There is a child from another family named Xiaotian.
Xiaotian's father also cheated, and eventually divorced Xiaohua's mother, and Xiaotian also lived with her mother.
Oda’s mother chose to divorce and was willing to take the responsibility. Although her life was very busy and difficult, whenever Oda expressed doubts about her parents’ divorce, she said this:
Mom and dad once loved each other very much, so you are the fruit of their love. But later, my parents fell out of love and chose to separate after careful consideration. Love or dislike is not static, so it is natural to separate.
After we separated, dad also loved you very much. Because mom and grandparents were very, very reluctant to let you go, they fought with dad many times to keep you with us.
Of course, later on, Xiaotian's father, like Xiaoliang's father, quickly formed a new family with a new wife and children. Xiaotian's mother also chose to be single.
One day, Xiaotian asked his mother: "Mom, you have worked so hard, why don't you find me a new father? Are you afraid that the new father will not like me?"
Mom thought about it Thinking about it, he held Xiaotian's hand and said:
My child, my mother did not remarry, not because of you, but because she did not meet anyone she truly liked. It is indeed tiring and difficult for a mother to be alone, but seeing you growing up day by day and having endless energy in your body does not make you feel lonely.
My mother often reminds Xiaotian that when meeting his father, he must respect and care about him. Because there are not many opportunities for father and son to get along with each other, so every time they meet, they must cherish it.
Xiaotian loves his mother very much, so he naturally obeys her words. Therefore, every time I meet my father, he is very sensible and considerate.
Dad had always felt guilty towards Xiaotian because of his cheating and divorce. Now that he saw his ex-wife raising the child so well, he felt even more guilty, so he tried every means to hurt her even more
I love Xiaotian. No matter how tight my life is, I still pay child support to Xiaotian on time.
In this way, Xiaotian gradually grew up. He is not very talented and his academic performance is not particularly good. He only got into an ordinary university. But he was gentle and kind, and made many friends. While studying, he fell in love with comics and calligraphy.
His comics are lively and natural, and his calligraphy is unique. After graduating from college, he held two calligraphy and painting exhibitions and published a comic book. He has many fans online and has become a veritable internet celebrity.
Two separated marriages, two different outcomes
So, when your parents divorce, is it better to stay with your mother or your father?
My answer is :
What affects children is never divorce, but how adults behave after separation.
Here lies the joy, sorrow and destiny of the child.
The best destiny for a child is to have a healthy family.
After divorce, is it better for a child to stay with his mother or his father? This requires detailed analysis of specific circumstances.
1. Let’s see who is willing to have a child, the father or the mother.
If one person wants something that another person doesn’t want, then of course they have to follow the one who wants it, whether it’s dad or mom.
2. Look at the age of the child.
If the child is too young, it is better to stay with his mother for a few years.
As the saying goes, if you have a stepfather, you have a stepmother. Children who are too young cannot do without the personal care of their parents. If a child follows his stepmother, no matter how careless the father is, the father will not know that the stepmother has abused the child.
I heard about a girl who followed her stepmother and her biological father. Her biological father and her biological father's relatives all praised her stepmother for being very good to her children. However, the girl became thinner after following them for a while, and finally returned to herself. My mother's side. I seriously doubt that this stepmother knows how to save face and is definitely not good to girls behind her back.
If the child is older and does not need personal care, this problem may be avoided.
3. Look at the abilities of both father and mother.
If one party has no ability to work or is not strong enough to support the family, he is obviously not as suitable as the other party to take care of the children.
4. Look at the conduct of both father and mother.
People who have a strong sense of responsibility and are more reliable in doing things are more suitable for raising children.
Conclusion: Both husband and wife have the freedom to decide the survival of their own marriage, but children cannot choose their own family and origin. I hope that parents will be cautious, and while pursuing their own happiness, they should also think more about their children and try their best to arrange their children well.
The first question is often, who is the child with? No matter what the answer is, it's always a sigh. Yes, children do not have the right to choose their parents, and they cannot prevent their parents from divorcing. What adults often think about when they get divorced is that the child is mine. If we are willing to ask the children for their opinions, I believe they will say, I want a father, and I also want a mother. However, adults create the reasons for divorce, while children have no choice but to accept the results of divorce.
Don’t dare to say the same thing. First of all, consider the character of the person at fault, especially the woman’s moral character. If she has a particularly bad moral character, let’s not talk about motherly love. She is just a beast. Children must not be raised by her. , especially girls
Be good to your mother. If you have a stepmother, you will have a stepfather. It is not the flesh that fell from your own body, so you won’t feel bad [smile]