01
Yang Lan in his work "the world is big, fortunate to have you" in this "spit" marriage:
"It's so unfair! Married for 20 years is "porcelain marriage", 25 years is "silver marriage", only a difference of 5 years, how people from the clay rose to the precious metal ah 20 years, more than 7300 days and nights, should be more than "porcelain" strong a little bit.
In the case of the "Porcelain", it is the "Porcelain" that has been used for the first time.
In this fast-paced, multiple-choice, high-pressure era, any couple can walk hand in hand for 20 years is really not easy, because in the process, the two people not only need to overcome each other's contradictions, but also need to overcome the contradictions of the surrounding environment projected in.
More often than not, it is not the conflicts between two people that cause a rift in their marriage, the disappointments pile up, but rather the kinship ties attached to the newly formed family of the two people that cause it.
Simply put, how far the marriage is, in addition to the harmony of the relationship between husband and wife, there is each other's family of origin implicated in the kinship relationship.
Despite the fact that many people will complain that the mother-in-law relationship is difficult to deal with, sister-in-law relationship is a headache, in-laws are difficult to serve, in-laws and mother-in-law family lost, etc., but as long as we can carry out the sense of proportion, the so-called difficult to become easy.
The so-called clear, need to be able to both spouses from their respective families of origin, so that the rational attitude, fair treatment of the surrounding environment to project the contradiction.
If there is favoritism on one side of the husband and wife, can not do with the family of origin in the full sense of the abstraction, then it is inevitable that the quality of self-marriage shrinks, the distance on the close.
02
After marrying her husband, He Hai, Cao Yue's relationship with her mother-in-law was quite cordial because she had been separated from her in-laws after the marriage and because her mother-in-law was not very old and still relatively open-minded.
Cao Yue, for example, went back to the festivals, dressed especially fashionable, her mother-in-law not only would not say that she was immodest, not a daughter-in-law look, but also praise her beautiful, know how to dress.
After getting married, Cao Yue and her husband used their respective savings in the past few years, together with the money borrowed from a few friends around them, to buy a house in the county for the two to live in after marriage.
Cao Yue's in-laws are both retired workers, and they are afraid that living with their son and daughter-in-law will affect their relationship, so they refurbished their old house for them to live in for the rest of their lives.
The old home to the county there is a distance, usually nothing important, Cao Yue and in-laws basically no interaction, but also on New Year's Day and festivals to accompany her husband, He Hai go back to a trip.
While Cao Yue's relationship with her mother-in-law is not as bitter as that of most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, her relationship with her mother-in-law is not as good as that of most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, and she just lives her own life.
Cao Yue and her husband, both of whom are considered to be opinionated people, have plans for the future and know when to do what. The first time I got married, the mortgage, car loans are tight, Cao Yue's job was not stabilized at that time, the two people will put the child this pushed back.
When all the work was done, the two of them put the child on the agenda. I thought having a baby would be a great way to make the whole family happy, but I didn't realize that it would make Cao Yue's relationship with her mother-in-law fall apart.
Because her parents live so far away, Cao Yue was too embarrassed to let her mother come all the way here to take care of herself, so she let her husband, He Hai, talk to her mother and let her come here to take care of herself.
When Cao Yue thought that it was normal for her mother-in-law to take care of her daughter-in-law, after all, the child has the same surname as her family, she said:
"There are too many things to do at home, and your father's health is not very good these days, so I can't get out of the house, so I'll let the sea take care of you.
Since her mother-in-law had said so, Cao Yue was embarrassed to continue.
"I didn't expect your mom to be such a person! How come I didn't hear your father say that he's not well these days, and didn't your mom post a video of her square dancing with a few aunts in her circle of friends a while ago, so don't come, and find so many excuses for what!"
Cao Yue's words made her husband, who was standing on the sidelines, not know how to answer. "Let's forget about this, I'll make time to take care of you."
Because of this, Cao Yue's relationship with her mother-in-law was not as good as it used to be, not even plain.
03
When her maternity leave was coming to an end, Cao Yue could not give up her job, but if she did, she had no one to take care of her child.
Because of this, Cao Yue's in-laws began to generate hatred, she really can not understand, are the child's grandparents, how can not have this heart to help take care of?
The most irritating thing about Cao Yue is that her parents-in-law have their own pensions every month, and they are not very old, and her husband also gives them 2,000 dollars of living expenses every month.
With a child, plus their own resignation, the quality of life is not as good as before, the family burden is also much heavier than in the past, I did not expect my husband is still the same as in the past, the month to month to the living expenses.
In order to do this, Cao Yue and her husband argued many times, but every time her husband said that no matter what his mother did to them now, but as children should be filial piety to them.
"I make 10,000 a month and give my parents 2,000, is that a problem?"
"There is a problem, your parents are only 60, and there is a pension, can be self-sufficient, life is better than we all, there is no need for this at all, and in these years, your mom is how to me and the children, you know more or less."
"My mom has raised me for so many years, isn't it only right that I honor them?"
Every time this matter is mentioned, Cao Yue and her husband are not happy, Cao Yue wants her husband to give her paycheck to herself, but every time her husband takes the reason to put it off.
Originally two people happy marriage also because of the unpleasantness of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law indirectly become unpleasant, and even Cao Yue's husband to take the child night noise as a reason to sleep in a separate room with her, the quality of marriage between the two people is slowly shrinking.
04
There is a saying: ten years to look at the mother-in-law, ten years to look at the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law is how to treat the daughter-in-law, and one day the daughter-in-law will be the same way "back".
More often than not, the relationship between husband and wife has a rift, but also through the way of communication to slowly recover, but once the marriage is accompanied by a rift in the relationship between relatives, there is no communication so simple.
After all, the formation of the relationship between husband and wife is the love between each other, and the formation of the incidental kinship relationship is only the formation of a new family of two people, the maintenance of this relationship depends on only two people, a party's carry is bound to lead to the relationship imbalance.
To me, Cao Yue's husband is not all wrong, as a son, he is right, but as a husband and father, he is wrong.
The sense of boundary between right and wrong is what I mentioned at the beginning, that is, "whether you can get yourself out of your family of origin completely and totally". Cao Yue's husband's mistake is that he has not been able to detach himself from his family of origin. He loves Cao Yue, but he loves his parents even more.
Knowing that his parents have never treated his wife as a daughter-in-law, in other words, have not fulfilled their responsibilities as elders (taking care of his daughter-in-law during her monthly cycle and helping to take care of his grandchildren), he still puts his parents ahead of his wife, and does not listen to his wife's advice on how to honor his parents.
This kind of man, is a filial son in the eyes of his parents, but never a good husband in the eyes of his wife, will only let the woman in which the heart is cold, and then is the gradual shrinkage of the quality of marriage.
In fact, the real harmony of parents and children should be independent and interdependent mode of living, neither gnawing the old, nor gnawing the small, more sympathetic tolerance, a family in order to be harmonious.