A mental patient screamed: I am the president, you all have to listen to me . The attending doctor asked him: Who said that? The patient: God said. Hearing this, a nearby patient suddenly jumped up: I never said that!
The fish said: "I keep my eyes open all the time in order to be by your side and not to leave." The water said, "I flow tirelessly all day long in order to surround you and hold you well and tight." The pot says, "It's almost fucking cooked and you're still so full of shit."
There is a stronger dream, a late night, I suddenly woke up, heard someone ravings - wing virtue virtuous brother, help me on the horse (Three Kingdoms) five minutes later - good head, I do not know who to cut? (Romance of the Three Kingdoms) five minutes later - Little Li Fei Dao really lives up to its name! (Little Li Flying Dagger) Five minutes later - Interdimensional Space! (If I remember correctly, it should be the Saints) five minutes later - hum, hey, wahahahaha (according to my guess, may be the Yagami three laugh ......) I really want to know what he did is what dream
Friends of the classmates, the evening self-study on the desire to soak a MM The first thing I want to do is to ask my friend, "What time is it now?" The MM looked at the table: "8:30." The guy said with a surprised face: "ah ~ ~ my table is also eight thirty, you say we are not very destiny it?!"
The ant and the elephant got married, but the elephant died in a few days. The ant was so sad that he cried and cursed, "Honey, you're ahead of me, I don't need to do anything else in my life, I'll just bury you"
The golfer happened to hit the ball on an ant hill. He swings hard and misses, but kills a lot of ants. He swung at the ball a second time and missed again, killing more ants. "Come on, come with me!" One ant called out to its panicked companions, "If we can just get up to that ball, we'll be safe."
What to see
Female: "What to see?"
Male: "Your eyes."
Female: "Like more than once."
Male: "Do you know why that is?"
Female: (smiles poutily) ......
Male: "Because you have me in your eyes!"
God loves you
Moonlit night, in the park.
Girl: "There is no more unfortunate woman than me, who does not love me."
Lad: "But there are people who love you very much."
Girl: "Ah, who is it?" Simultaneously clasping the lad's hand.
Lad: "God!"
Unresponsive
Snuggled on a bench in the park are a pair of lovers.
Man asks, "Can I give you a kiss?"
The woman didn't answer.
The man asks again, "Can you give me a kiss?"
The woman still doesn't answer.
Man gets angry, "Huh, are you deaf?"
Woman yells, "Are you dead?"
Reasons for liking
The mother is talking to her son about his girlfriend. The mother asked, "Why does she
like you?"
"That's easy," the son says modestly he says, "She thinks I'm handsome, capable
of doing things, smart, and funny ......"
"So why do you like her?"
"I just like that she thinks I'm handsome, capable, smart, and funny."
Also
A: "I was introduced to ten consecutive blind dates, and I finally met someone who was
requited."
B: "Fateful? How so?"
A: "He's the guy I went on my first blind date with."
Going home to get pajamas
One day, a young man went to his girlfriend's house to play, and when he was leaving, it started pouring
heavy rain, and his girlfriend persuaded him to stay the night, and then she went to prepare the bedding. When
she was ready to go, her boyfriend was gone. More than an hour
later, the young man, who was drenched like a chicken, returned, and his
girlfriend asked in surprise, "Where have you been?"
The lad came up for air and replied, "I ...... I went home to get my
pajamas."
Such a date
A shy lad told his mom that he was going on a date with an aunt
.
Half an hour later, he returned.
The mother asked, "How did it go?"
"It went well."
"Did you meet her?"
"Of course I saw her," he giggled, "but she would have seen me if
I hadn't been hiding behind the big tree."
Implied
A spinster said to her new boyfriend, "Last night, I dreamed
that I saw you ask me to marry you."
"How did you mean it?"
"I accept your proposal."
Bet
A young man approached a girl behind her back, put his hands over her eyes
and said, "If you can't guess who I am, then you'll let me have a kiss. Quickly
say three names!"
"Louis XVI? ...... No? Victor Hugo? ...... Napoleon
Napoleon? Still not right? Then you win!"
Look a little further
A young man visits his girlfriend at her house. The girlfriend's parents intentionally avoided
it and left the two of them alone in the living room to talk about their love. While they were kissing
, the young man realized that his girlfriend's little sister was standing in the doorway watching curiously
.
"Little sister, why don't you go to bed and I'll give you a silver dollar." The little man
said.
The little sister didn't ask for the money and ran away without saying a word. After a while,
she walked back and said, "I have a silver dollar, let me look at it a little longer."
The Ideal Lover
A girl was talking to her girlfriend. She said, "If only I had the best of both my
lovers rolled into one - Cho is rich, handsome, and witty
harmonious; and Lee wants to take me as his wife."
Clever maneuvering
In the corner of the park, a young man wanted to kiss his girlfriend.
But the woman pushed him away and said, "No, I can't do this
until I'm married!"
"Then, I'll leave you my phone number and please let me know
after you get married."
Forgotten Friendship
A man said to his new girlfriend, "If you insist on not
telling your age, I'll have to tell people that I'm a forgotten friend."
The Flying Kiss
The warmly angry father rebuked his daughter, "Clara, why are you throwing flying kisses at that strange young man in public
? What shame!"
"What? He threw a flying kiss at me first, and if I don't throw it
back, are you going to make me keep it?"
Confused
The woman asked her boyfriend, who was nearing 50, "Honey, how old are you
you look pretty young."
Boyfriend: "I can't figure it out, you can say how old you are."
Woman: "What year were you born?"
Boyfriend: "Born muddy, who knows what year
!"
Lowering standards
Woman: "You're good in every way, why couldn't you make female
friends before?"
Male: "Because I used to have too high an eye."
Woman: "Then I'm honored to be your girlfriend now."
Male: "No, it's now that I've lowered my sights."
Marriage
The father and son were arguing over their son's marriage.
Then the son's mother came in to talk things over. The son pulled his mother over and
said, "Mom, I have never interfered in your marriage, but why
does dad always have to interfere in my marriage?!"
Hot-blooded youth
A man asked after donating blood, "Please, is my blood warm
?"
The nurse nodded yes. The man then said, "Can you write me a certificate
?"
The nurse looked at him quizzically. The man explained, "My girlfriend always calls
me a cold-blooded animal. I want to prove to her that I'm not!"
Jump Levels
"Chen, tell me, have you made any progress
in your relationship with Lily?"
"Not at all. Whenever I tell her that I love her, she rushes to fork
the conversation to talk about marriage."
Obeying my mother's teachings
Female: "My mother always told me that before marriage, no matter what
you ask of me, I should answer the word 'no'."
Male (thinking): "Do you mind if I hold your hand?"
Female: "No."
Male: "You don't object to me kissing you?"
Female: "No."
Man: "Then you won't object to us going to bed together either?"
Female: "No."
Male: "Ah! Long live your mom!"
Virgin Heart
Daughter: "Mom, there are always a few men, staring at me dumbly
dumbly, on that road I walk down."
Mother: "Well, why don't you take another path?"
Daughter: "If you go another way, there will be no men!"
Halfway there
A: "Hey! How was your date with your girlfriend yesterday?"
B: "Half successful, so to speak."
A: "What's that supposed to mean?"
B: "I went, but she didn't."
Coming in over the wall
The father said to his daughter's suitor, "Didn't I tell you not to come
into my house again?"
"Sorry, I came in over the wall this time, hehehe!"
Beautiful wishes
Jack, a bachelor in his forties, was describing his beautiful
wishes to his friends, "...... As soon as I come back from work, a beautiful, young, gentle
wife is standing in front of me, and the table is set with good food and wine ...... Do you think this
is possible?"
"Yes."
"When will it be?"
"When you walk through the wrong door."
A trial of courtship
On the street, a greasy man kept staring at a bright
girl.
The girl suddenly stops, turns and asks him, "Why do you keep staring at me?"
"You're so beautiful and I love you!" He said bluntly.
"I'm not considered beautiful. My sister is in the back, she's the one who's beautiful."
The man immediately turned and walked away, but it was an old woman he ran into.
"You lied to me!" The man turned around and scolded the girl.
The girl smiled contemptuously, "You lied to me first."
Getting shorter and shorter
On the dance floor, a girl and a strange man were dancing.
The girl asked, "You are an amazing character, dancing with you
I feel like the dance music is getting shorter and shorter."
The man replied, "What's so strange about that, the orchestra conductor is
my fiancée."
Future Husband
A woman with a slutty, unattractive demeanor, after watching a movie
, said, "I wonder if my future husband will have the same bravery as the male
protagonist in this movie?"
A gentleman next to me then said, "Miss, I'm sure your husband
must be a hero, because he needs to be superhumanly brave
when he decides to marry you."
News
The doctor, who had just finished examining a female patient and confirmed that she was pregnant,
said, "Ma'am, I have good news for you."
"It's Miss, not Mrs.." The young woman corrected.
"Oh, miss," the doctor said hurriedly, "I have bad news for
you."
The terms were good enough
Jones didn't dare propose to his girlfriend in person, so he had to make a
remote tryst over the phone.
"Rita, I've got a five million dollar inheritance, a villa, an automobile
car, and a yacht, do you promise to marry me?"
"Of course I promise, who are you?"
How to express it
Lad: "I love you from the bottom of my heart, so much that I can't express it in words
."
Girl: "That's easy! You can show it with a gift!"
The Older, the Better
A famous actor told his soulmate, "I'm almost sixty-five
years old, and I have half a million dollars in savings. Now I'm in love with a young
woman. Wouldn't it be
more likely to marry her if I told her I was only fifty?"
"I think," replied my friend, "that it would be far more likely if you told her that you were
eighty!"
Only Once
Small Chen is in love, but his meager income makes it difficult for him to meet his girlfriend's
material needs.
It's his girlfriend's twentieth birthday, and it seems like he has to
give her a gift anyway. He raised a sum of money and bought her a gold ring
finger, and on a card he wrote:
"Dear Jen, Happy Birthday to you, and wishing you all the happy holidays from today until
we both get married!"
A: "What's the most expensive egg?"
B: "Eggs."
A: "No, the face is the most expensive. I've already given my girlfriend 100,000 yuan
money, but her mom said that with her daughter's face, another 100,000 yuan wouldn't be much."
Difficult to make her smile
A: "My lover is so difficult to make her smile."
B: "You are a famous 'laughing star' in the opera troupe, I don't
believe it when you say such things."
A: "I'm telling the whole truth."
B: "So she's been in a relationship with you for so long and hasn't smiled once?"
A: "Smiled once."
B: "Who caused to laugh at her?"
A: "My five-figure deposit folders!"
Money is a marriage
A young man was downheartedly holding a broken
letter from his girlfriend and asked her, "Didn't you say that the two of us were in love and that it was a 'marriage in a past life'
? How can you change your mind in the blink of an eye?"
Girlfriend coldly said: "Who changed his mind? I have always said 'money is marriage
marriage', but now you buy this also no money, buy that also no money, of course, there is no marriage
la!"
Lover's Dream
A pair of lovers were shopping and came to the door of a gold and silver jewelry store.
The woman said, "Honey, last night I had a dream that you bought me
a gold necklace."
The man froze for a moment and said, "Coincidentally, I had the same
dream last night, in which I had put the gold necklace around your neck."
Trust me
Woman: "Honey! Believe me, I love you."
Male: "I believe you love me, until you meet someone richer than me
."
Reasons for getting married
A: "Is the young doctor you want to marry rich?"
B: "Do you believe I'm marrying him for health reasons
!"
Fighting Hardness with Hardness
A: "Hey, that cabaret chorus girl you introduced me to
seems to be a very hard-hearted person."
B: "Hard-hearted? Ah, diamonds are capable of impressing her heart."
Imagine
Male: "Margot, imagine if I were the King of Greek Ships,
would you love me?"
Woman: "No, but I would marry you."
What does it mean
Male: "Darling, last night I dreamed of asking you to marry me, what do you think it
means?"
Woman: "It means you've saved up enough money."
Turning yourself into a dog
Woman: "Only a dog would love someone like you."
Male: "For your information, I just inherited ten million dollars."
Female: "Woof! Woof!"
Feelings
Girl: "Since we met, you feel ......"
Lad: "I feel like I don't get paid enough every month. "
Shaping a
A: "What are your conditions for finding a partner?"
B: "My conditions are not high, the man must have a pretty face like an actor
, a strong physique like an athlete, a great deal of knowledge like a researcher, a home furnished
like a garden, and a bank balance of a million dollars; in addition, the man must be considerate of me like a service
man."
A: "Oh - you don't have much to offer! I'll ask a neighbor to do you a
favor."
B: "What does your neighbor do?"
A: "He's a writer. Let him help you portray one in your novel."
Expensive
Female: "It's expensive to get love."
Male: "Getting love can be expensive."
Kicking the ball
A soccer fan excitedly bragged to his girlfriend, "For soccer
ball, you have to be as good at pestering as you are at pestering your lover. A pair of feet should be able to stick to the soccer ball like
cowhide, that would be great."
Girlfriend: "And then what, just kick it away. That would be absolute."
Who to congratulate
A: "Have you heard the news that Ms. Wang and I are engaged?"
B: "I heard. If it's true, I congratulate you; if it's false,
I'll go congratulate Miss Wang."
Snappy Thinking
A couple was having an unpleasant "cold war". The husband's heart was soft, and when he saw his wife sulking and not eating dinner,
he hastened to offer her a bowl of rice and joked easily, "You'll have to eat this bowl of rice so that you'll have the strength to fight with
me!" The wife immediately replied, "After eating this bowl of rice, we won't be able to quarrel
with each other."
To come back
A newlywed couple got into an argument, and finally, the wife couldn't stand it
any longer and cried, "It's a clean break with you! I'm going to pack my things and go back to
my mother's house."
"Very well, my dear." Her husband took out money, "Here, the traveling money
is here,"
She took the money and counted it, then said, "This isn't enough, what about my traveling money to get back
?"
Going together
Mr. Paul returned home from work to find his wife packing
his bags.
He asked, "What are you doing?"
The wife exclaimed, "I can't stay any longer, I keep
fighting all year long, I'm leaving this house!"
Paul stood there confused, watching his wife walk out
with her suitcase. Suddenly, he ran into the bedroom, grabbed a suitcase off the shelf and shouted,
"Wait a minute, I can't stay in this house either, I'm leaving with you!"
Originality
Two men were in a restaurant talking over dinner.
A: "I have to eat here because my wife doesn't want to cook
meals."
B: "You're lucky. I have to eat here because my
wife must cook herself."
**Same Hobby
A: "Yesterday my wife found out I was hiding personal money."
B: "Did you have a fight as a result?"
A: "No. She said that after five years of marriage, she finally discovered the only
same hobby we both
have."
Surprisingly out of the blue
One day, the husband was at home, concentrating on his book, while his wife was
watching TV. At that moment, a pair of lovers appeared on the TV screen, and the man said to the
woman, "Darling, I've always thought of you as a part of me."
The wife was touched by this. So she said to her husband, who was intently reading a book
, "Hey! What about you, when did you ever see me as part of your body?"
The husband, in his heart of hearts, hated the fact that his wife was turning on the TV to interfere with his reading, and paid no attention.
"Hey! I'm asking you na! What part of your body am I
yah?!" The wife asked again and again.
The husband impatiently replied, "It's the appendix!"
A friend was selling popsicles in a park while working and studying, and was too embarrassed to yell. Suddenly there was a man shouting: "Sell popsicles, sell popsicles". The friend was so happy to hear that. He shouted: "Me too, me too".
A certain person was contacting the bicycle, in front of a line of people, a certain person panicked, shouted: stop, stop. Pedestrians a flabbergasted rush to stop. However, a gentleman riding too poorly or the pedestrians hit. The pedestrian got up and shouted: "Stop, stop, stop". You've got a good aim, don't you.
In the hospital, the family was happy to have a son, the child was born back to speak, the child said: "Grandpa." Grandpa died with an ah. The child said: "Grandma." Grandma died with a thud. The child said, "Dad."
The little girl always showed off her new toy to the little boy. The boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say: this you never have! The girl also took off her pants and said: My mom said that as long as you have this, you can have as much of that as you want!
You haven't waited for your favorite color yet?
Stop! The man stopped. And he hit him anyway. The man said, "You want me to stand still so you can see where to hit me."
A college student was captured by the enemy, who tied him to a utility pole and asked him, "Tell me, where are you from? If you don't tell me, I'll electrocute you! The college student said back to the enemy, and was electrocuted to death, he said: I am from the University of Electricity!
College to go to Shenzhen sketching,
With classmates in the road to stroll, suddenly a male student to the side of the road,
Patting a person's shoulder to ask: "Brother,, please",
Is not his brain was squeezed by the door, but even asked for the bank's money escort!
The cashier probably didn't hear him either.
Turning back to him,
Nervous, he pointed the gun (big spray) at him, "What are you doing! What are you doing!"
My classmate took a look at the gun pointed at himself,
Scared with a sobbing voice, said: "Brother, no other meaning, I just ask what time it is."。。。。。
Popping waterfall sweat 。。。。。。。
One time, because something to contact a classmate, but the phone did not save his number, so to another and he is very familiar with the classmates text message, "May I have XXX's phone number?"
Then wait patiently for a reply, 5 minutes later, finally received a reply, can not wait to open the text message, it is written, "ah" two big words.
Have no choice but to text this big brother again, "So, please tell me okay?" Continued to wait another five minutes, received a reply, once again can not wait to open it to see, he wrote another two words, "Yes ah"!
Confessions
The wife scolded her husband, "Last night, you came home drunk again!"
"Who said I was drunk? Who is this nonsense?"
"That's what you confessed to yourself at the time."
"No, can one's words count when one is drunk?"
Before the Wishing Fountain
The couple walked through the shopping mall's wishing fountain, and the lady quickly tossed in
a coin and made a silent wish. The husband then tosses in a
coin and also makes a silent wish.
The lady asked him what he wished for. The husband said, "I wish I could pay
what you wished for when you wished for what you just wished for."
Basic conditions for divorce
Mary walked into the lawyer's office and said, "I'd like to find out if I
have the basic conditions for divorce."
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Mary: "Of course I'm married."
Lawyer: "You have the basic requirements for divorce."
So agreed
The wife proposed, "How about we respect each other from now on, I change my
bad habit of cursing, and you don't hit anyone without moving?"
The husband agreed: "Okay, if you dare to curse me again, I will beat
you to death!"
The wife shouted angrily, "Asshole! How dare you!"
Don't go forward
A: "Buddy, why don't you go home right after work and hang around here
?"
B: "Buddy don't know, my lover and I agreed that whoever comes
home first after work will cook."
A: "Oh! Then don't go any further - I see your lover is
there beating around the bush!"
Roots
Judge: "Why do you want to divorce her?"
Man: "Because she tried to stand over me at every turn."
Judge: "Is there any basis for that?"
Man: "Haven't you seen a pair of high-heeled
leather shoes on her feet?"
There are rises and falls
A: "Doesn't your family employ a maid? Why are you
still doing the laundry here yourself?"
B: "I am married to her."
Same mentality
Husband: "Why do you dye your nails and paint your eyebrows every day, what
is this mentality?"
Wife: "The same mentality as you shaving every day."
The listener has a heart
A newlywed couple was sitting on the beach watching the sunrise. Mrs.
Too grabbed a handful of sand and said to her husband offhandedly, "It's strange, no matter how tightly I grabbed it, it always leaked through my fingers, and in the end there was only
that much left."
The husband interjected, "Honey, at this wonderful time, still
don't mention my meager salary!"
Drawing the curtains
Naked wife, "Draw the curtains! Look at me,
It would be embarrassing for the man in the opposite room to see me like this!"
Husband: "Don't worry, if that man sees you like this, he will
draw the curtains of his house."
No need to ask
A couple was at odds and quarreled all day long. The old father-in-law had no choice but to
call his son-in-law to question him. At the end of the conversation, the old father-in-law asked his son-in-law, "Do you
see the need to call my daughter here so you can confront her face to face?"
The son-in-law shook his head and replied, "There's no need to be redundant, if you
want to know her answer, it's very simple, just change 'yes
's' in my answer to 'no ' and change 'not' to 'yes'."
Son-in-law's gift
Wife: "Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, what are you going to get her?"
Husband: "Send some nice cigarettes!"
Wife: "Are you crazy? It's been more than five years since my dad died, and my mom
mom doesn't smoke at all, so why would you send her cigarettes?"
Husband: "Because every time I go to her place, she just treats me to tea."
The dilemma
A: "Recently, I got a raise of one grade and I don't know what to do. If
If I don't tell my wife, she's bound to say I can't get a raise because I'm stupid!"
B: "Well, tell her then."
A: "No, I'm not an idiot!"
Get angry
A: "Why is your wife so angry!"
B: "Ah! First she was angry with the kids, then she was angry because I
wasn't angry with the kids, and now she's so angry because I'm angry for
her and the kids."
Notes
Husbands used to write notes to their wives to remind her of what she should do, and the notes
always ended with the words, "Husband's word."
One night, the couple had a disagreement and went to bed angry. The
second morning, the wife saw a note next to the dining room table that ended with:
"A distant relative word."
Randomness
A woman berates her husband in a diner. Finally, in a shrill voice
she yelled, "Of all the shameful people in this world, you are the most despicable one
!" At that moment, all the people in the restaurant looked at the two of them in astonishment. His husband
noticed this and immediately raised his voice and said, "Excellent scolding, my dear!
What else did you tell him?"
Each with his own hand
A: "On weekdays my wife practices the piano and my daughter practices the violin, so my house is
quite artistic, isn't it?"
B: "So what do you practice?"
A: "Practicing patience."
A woman bursts into her lawyer's office, determinedly asking for a
divorce from her husband.
Lawyer: "Why do you want to divorce your husband?"
Woman: "My husband has been unfaithful to me."
Lawyer: "Is there a basis for that?"
Woman: "I think that he is not the father of my children."