I hope this will be the first and last letter sent to you, because I don't really want us to need to do communication in this way in the future, it's too raw, isn't it?
Dear Dad:
When I wrote this letter, it was April 13, 2020 at 10:00 am, although I am not sure if this letter will be sent, but I was a little apprehensive, I have not had such a formal conversation with you, there is a little bit of constraints, and even the style of writing more than I used to be a little careful.
Not for anything else, but because the other person is you, my favorite dad.
I have thought of a thousand words, really meditate on the fingertips, but can not knock down.
The most fortunate thing in my life is that I have never been in the words of vilification of you, or actions to do to hurt you to the deepest things, because I am afraid, I am afraid of words out of the words can never be put back, I would rather hold back to hurt themselves, I will never allow themselves to hurt you, my dearest family.
But the truth is that I have, and more than once or twice thought this way.
I have a lot of secrets, a lot... A lot... A lot ......
For example, why did I apply for volunteering in the college entrance examination without even reading the volunteer book, and directly choose to study medicine.
For example, why did I fail to get into the study?
For example, why did I choose psychiatry for my training?
For example, why I have so few friends over the years.
For example, why I have never been in love.
For example, why I am so resistant to dating and marriage.
For example, why I was once so proud of you, and now I will lose, will make you just a sigh of relief.
Another example, this year's New Year's Eve, I was why, so decisively told you, I do not want to continue to be a doctor.
I grew up knowing that you have high expectations of me, you hope that I can jump out of your black and white gray, struggling in the poor trivial life trajectory, to embrace a more bright and easy future, and for this reason you spared no effort to give me and my brother to fight for your ability to range, the best material life and learning platform.
I know, I've always known.
So I have been trying to respond to your expectations, trying to become your ideal.
And I did, to be someone else's child, to make you proud, to delight you, to give you hope and enough courage to face the cruelty of life.
In the past, of course.
I was really, really scared to see your disappointed eyes, scared, scared.
I love to see you jumping for joy because of my grades, really, when you received my college acceptance letter, that kind of happiness, that kind of joy from the heart, let me feel that all my efforts are worthwhile, in order to see your smile, I am willing to devote my life's efforts.
Characteristically I inherited your toughness and sense of responsibility, such qualities are naturally good, but when used in the wrong place is not so pleasant.
More than twenty years of conditioning, I try to meet your expectations of me, naturally, I subconsciously think that the value of my existence is to get good grades to make you happy.
On the other hand, if I don't have good grades, then I feel that I am useless and my life is not worth living.
With this subconscious knowledge, I went to college, and the wasted road began.
Back to the original question, why did I insist on studying medicine?
The answer to this question, I think my mom knows.
For more than a decade, I've felt that I killed my grandfather with my own hands.
If I hadn't changed my new clothes so often and delayed the time, Grandpa would not have lost the last resuscitation, he wouldn't have died, and everything would still be the same as it was before, and the same as it was before, and the same as it was before. ......
Mom was in a parent-teacher conference to know, then let write "a letter to the mother", I was young heart panic, and do not know what to do then mentioned this matter.
At that time, my mom was a sensation in the whole school, because she was crying hysterically in front of thousands of people in the whole school.
The whole school was confused, the whole class was confused, and they all came around to look at me.
I didn't see the scene, and the table asked me: what did you write in the letter?
I did not answer.
I was afraid that if I made a sound, it would be the same hysteria.
I have carried this life for more than ten years.
Mom has tried many times to open my heart, but to no avail.
I can't get over this hurdle, you know? I can't get past it! Always, can't get past ......
Grandpa used to be so good to me, and all the good memories were given to me by him.
I don't even dare to think about it, the kind of guilt and self-blame inside almost engulfed me.
I used to wonder why I still have the face to live, why I still have the shame to face my mom, grandmother and uncle's family.
I didn't dare to think about it, I really didn't dare to think about it, I was afraid I would choose a desperate path.
So, when applying for volunteering, the class teacher asked me: according to your character, doctor or teacher?
I did not hesitate, doctor.
I wondered if taking good care of my family in one way was another kind of redemption.
In hindsight, the path of the doctor was no better than the path of extinction.
I don't like studying medicine, you know?
Since my grandfather's death, life has never been a mere theory or object of study in my eyes, it is a responsibility, self-redemption, and I have treated it with nothing but caution and devotion from the very beginning.
I can't concentrate on learning, although I can get a top five in my class with just a little bit of effort.
But in my mind, the subject of life should not be this score, definitely not full marks, this is life.
And I couldn't reach that height, so I self-loathed and self-exiled.
In anatomy class, I couldn't look at my anatomy teacher, who was once a living being, and I had nightmares every night that my anatomy teacher was sleeping next to me, every day, every week.
Every morning when I woke up, my pillowcase was so wet that I could wring out the water, I don't know whether it was sweat or tears.
Until one day, I couldn't stand it, I packed a parcel and called my mom to say I don't want to study, I want to go home, I cried so much that I couldn't come up for air, and I couldn't speak without sentences, I was just too scared, I simply couldn't face the fragility of life, couldn't face the death of life, and couldn't bear the weight of life.
Mom on the phone in a bunch of rambling, trying to appease my emotions, I did not listen to a word, I just, too scared, too scared, do not know what to do.
In the end, it's a no-brainer, because I know the cost of giving up, and I don't want you to be disappointed.
Studying medicine has never been the same for me as it is for anyone else, and I've always been clear about that.
From the beginning of the study of medicine, I seldom smile, and always carry a big stone in my heart. I have always been a sensitive and humble person, and I am always on the lookout for the outside world.
Yes, since I went to college, I have become cautious, low self-esteem and timid.
Misfit, easy to compromise, forced smile, look at others face, always go to apologize, never refuse ......
Being pulled by girlfriends to dance, being pulled by friends to learn tai chi, being pulled by a new acquaintance to enroll in the Japanese and Korean societies, partying and eating food they don't like, being forced to wear shirts they don't like ......
They do not know that I have the willingness, some do not want to, they never ask, I never take the initiative to say, so held back.
Until my senior year on the clinical internship, I really realized that in the future I have to face what kind of work ......
At that time is the most serious time of medical disputes, every day can hear people downstairs crying, people, the class teacher repeatedly instilled: to learn medicine to walk on thin ice, to learn medicine to be scared of.... Go downstairs and go out the back door, don't let the patient's family block you... Don't wear a white coat back and forth, look at the situation unfavorable and run quickly ......
I was terrified, I never thought, I learn medicine not only to overcome the devil, but also ready to sacrifice.
I was at a loss, my work and rest was upside down, the class was not properly on, every day, a large amount of hair fall, less to my tie is not put is not; tie, hair and ghost shaved head like clean; not tie, with the ghost of the same scary.
At that time, I also had pityriasis rosea, the whole body like being poured with sulfuric acid in the general miserable, not a good piece of land, every moment itchy I even want to cut with a knife, insisted on a week before going to the dermatology department.
At that time, the low self-esteem to the bone, I think that look was seen really too indecent, the dermatologist is still to give me a lesson, the serious sense of shame so that I can not face my former teachers and classmates naked eyes, otherwise it would not be so serious to that point.
Eventually, the first year of graduate school did not pass, but successfully graduated.
The road to learning medicine is very limited, you say you do not do what the doctor, no one told me, I naturally have no doorway, in addition to the Second World War, no second choice, so go home, this year you also know that the decadent and depressed.
In fact, that time is the most serious time of my depression, senior high school when the pressure is too much self-inflicted injuries, because of the fear of leaving wounds are some of the self-inflicted injuries do not leave wounds, pain in the heart will be relieved, and sometimes do not pay attention to the wounds left behind by the mother to see that it is accidental can also be excused.
After graduation that year I did not self-injury, the brain is mush, every day, every day as the walking dead general living, you come to the strong spirit to cope with, always hungry a full meal, every day, sensitive nerves can not sleep, because I always feel that there are eyes out of the window staring at me, a pair or countless pairs of eyes, do not dare to close their eyes at night, do not dare to move, daytime, dead sleep does not wake up, the point of uncertainty of the meal, want to think of oh, today not yet! The first thing you need to do is to get a good meal, and then you can eat a meal, and you don't feel anything when you are burned, just like a caveman.
Low mood?
The future? I can remember to drink water and eat every day. I can remember to drink water and eat every day is already very good.
I went to the Second World War, but I didn't learn what good results will come.
At that time, I had a chat with my friend, who has a diametrically opposite outlook on life, so passionate, so full of life.
I was trying to mobilize my nerves to think about the future, I was eager to get back to the old days, the self-confidence, initiative and enterprising self, so I found a way to verify that I was suitable to continue to be a doctor.
3 years ago at that time, I also wrote a long article "learning medicine road, I in the end there is no wrong choice?
This does not mean that I will make a new choice and choose to continue to be a doctor, I just say that I do not regret studying medicine.
Because it cured my depression, so that from now on I can face the world with a healthy mind.
I always apologize to my grandfather.
Many years of medical career I am very clear about the cause of death of grandpa, grandpa's clinical manifestations of the onset of a movie like a vivid memory, combined with the history of grandpa's many years of bed-ridden, I'm almost certain that grandpa died of an acute pulmonary embolism, and the most important thing about this disease is the timing of salvage.
That's why my mother never succeeded in persuading me to let go of my heart, because the truth is that, although I was still lucky at the beginning of my study of medicine, maybe there was another reason for my grandfather's death, but the truth is that, I can never stay out of it.
These three years I have repeatedly wavered, when the doctor, not a doctor, when the doctor, not a doctor, a few times I was even determined, believe me, as long as there is a hint of the possibility of not giving up, I am willing to try, until, a thing happened.
I can't continue to run away from my deepest fears.
I had a patient who committed suicide shortly after discharge from the hospital.
No one, really no one, knew what that, really meant to me.
Dad, really, I can't do this.
Even though I didn't do anything wrong, I really ... I can't... I really can't face the loss of life with an open heart, when I learned the news, anger, extreme anger, angry at the superiors, angry at the patient, angry at the family, angry at themselves why so incompetent!
It's time to start again, ruminating, desperately ruminating, desperately thinking back to the time when he was hospitalized, which details I did not do, if I can then how to do will make him feel better, perhaps will not make that kind of decisive choice?
Even though I knew in my heart that everyone around him had done all they could.
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get through the night, but I'm going to be able to get through the rest of the night, and I'm going to be able to get through the rest of the night, and I'm going to be able to get through the rest of the night.
Starting again, there are unconscious wounds on the body, I did not want to hurt myself, but that time there are always inexplicable small wounds on the body, bleeding but not painful, green a piece of purple a piece of but not painful, the edge of the socks red I thought rubbing something, and later found to shave calf hair left a wound, has been bleeding, I did not notice. Feelings have waned again, this happens every time I'm not in the right mood, I don't feel it when it's hot, I don't feel it when it's cold, I never wear anything based on how I feel, I look at what other people are wearing.
That's when I knew I couldn't go on like this.
I didn't dare to tell anyone, I didn't know what to say, I was afraid to face the result that I simply couldn't bear.
I looked up a lot of information, it says that in fact, psychiatry this kind of thing is not uncommon, out of the family need to do psychological intervention after the fact, as far as the clinical front-line doctors are concerned, psychological counseling and treatment is also very critical.
No need, such a thing if another time, I will not exist, I simply can not afford such rubbing.
And the only way to stop it happening again is to leave.
And these things, and you can not say.
I have always hoped that in your eyes is the best, the most capable, I do not want to pile up all the problems in front of you, so that your forehead wrinkles deepen a few points, I hope I can not only solve their own problems, but also in the near future to take over all of your problems, I hope that you are happy, happy.
But that, too, I never seem to do.
What I can do is just try not to trouble you, don't let myself become your burden, don't let you regret... Have me as a daughter .....
I have written many suicide notes, handwritten and machine-typed, but never thought to show them to you.
Then why write them?
Because I'm afraid, I'm afraid that if I suddenly die, you do not know anything, I do not want you to be sad, but if I have to, I hope you at least know that I love you.
This is the biggest motivation for me to be strong, I don't give up on myself, in fact, I don't want you to be sad.
My lock screen password has always been my mom's birthday, and my best friend knows that I stressed to her that in case... She can tell you.
I've never really given up hope, I try to find meaning in life to live, to make decisions in my favor, so that I can live less heavy, so step.
Making that decision was hard.
It meant that I probably wasted almost a decade trying to come to terms with my mental issues.
It meant facing my greatest fear: your sigh of disappointment.
It means facing the future, the terrifying unknown.
That video with you before New Year's Eve this year was my first straight face with you after I weighed in on my decision not to be a doctor and cried hysterically, packed my bags and smoothed out my emotions.
God knows how much courage it took.
The first time I saw you, I was so upset.
You are a good guide, I hope that I do not give up years of study, said you know I have always been stubborn, have made the decision is not easy to change, but still hope that I can think about it .......
I finally lost, I can not refute the words, I do not know how to put so many years I told you to listen to, looking at you haggard old, familiar and strange cheeks, I can not say.
Then let's say you think so, I am stubborn, I am capricious, I said words are not easy to change.
If so, can help me to hold on for a period of time, so that you can not find out, my real vulnerability.
Although you do not know anything before, but I still want to tell you, now my depression is almost good, no longer persistent low mood, not interested in anything, do nothing, easy to lack of sleep, despair, helplessness ....... All sorts of sleep and cognitive problems have largely disappeared.
Now I am no longer afraid of the unknown future, because I firmly believe that the most difficult time has passed, I have enough courage and confidence to face, because I am clear, things will not be worse than my past, now I no matter which direction to go, will be on the up.
Yes, I am now very confused, at the crossroads of life can not see the direction, but I am clear about what kind of person I want to become, what kind of future, I think life as long as I can achieve one thing is enough, not much, the most wanted this one is good.
I will not carry the debt of my grandfather's life next, I will carry the expectations he once had for me on the road, but also with an apology, I will find a way to take care of Grandma in my way, which is also the part of the past I failed to do.
Be competent, not emotional.
Emotions don't solve real problems, and I want to carry my apologies with me on the road, which is the source of my motivation.
In the same way, I no longer cater to your expectations, I will not continue to be a doctor as you expect me to be, I want to live my life the way I like to live it.
Marry, don't marry, have kids, don't have kids, I don't care.
Many years of study abroad and my withdrawn and introverted character make my social circle extremely narrow, and even I do not have the concept of home, our home for me is more like a travel station, and I drifted out of the place is where I belong.
That's a bit harsh, but true.
Of course, family, always family, never because of distance and centrifugal.
A person is used to, will not adapt to the existence of another person, so I am very excluded from the matchmaking marriage, I think a person is very good.
Although my girlfriend is a friend, she is more like my family, because in my darkest and gloomiest time, she has always accompanied me by my side, and silently supported me in her way, and I am very grateful.
Just yesterday, I enrolled in the career planning class, I will follow up, and strive in these two months to be able to the future direction of life to sort out a one or two, you and as always, no need to worry about me, I will be good, everything will be fine.
This letter, as usual, I hope to send it to you after I have solved the problem of my own existence and future direction.
I hope you don't have to grieve for me, because I am fine now.
No need to blame yourself for your neglect of me, it was never your fault.
I hope that no matter what my future will be, you will always be proud of me, not for the grades, not for the salary, not for the status, not for the power, but only for this daughter, who is the only one for you.
This is the first time I've ever seen a woman in the world who has been in the same position as me, and I've never seen anything like it.
I hope so.
Love you always Chenbao.
2020.04.13 13:51